


Death and Rants

by Forgivethefew



Category: Columbine High School, Dylan Klebold - Fandom, Eric Harris - Fandom
Genre: Bullying, Friendship/Love, Multi, Murder-Suicide, Psychosis, Revenge, Sexual Content, Teen Angst, Weapons
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-12
Updated: 2015-09-26
Packaged: 2018-04-20 10:46:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Underage
Chapters: 26
Words: 184,798
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4784495
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Forgivethefew/pseuds/Forgivethefew
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“I leaned down and breathed in the breath you let out. I inhaled your life into my soul and I will take it with me today as I descend into another world and take the inhumanity out of it.”  Nathaniel Durham</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Paul Langley: The Misunderstood

_I woke up this morning and mom was nagging me about some shit about helping dad with the guttering thing after school instead of going to Nate's after school...bullshit, bullshit!!! I've got to get to school early tomorrow because I left my book in my locker and that damn assignment for Lowe's class is due...CAN'T FORGET THAT! I have to get at least a B in there this semester! Michelle didn't call me back tonight and she wasn't at the bowling alley Saturday neither. I don't know what the fuck is going on with us anyhow, I mean I know I'm probably too young for her, I should've kept lying to her...ever since I told her everything is weird with us now. I think I must fucking love her or something! God No! Not that! I drank too much with Nate Friday night...maybe I am a pussy, I threw up half the fucking night! Thank God I was at his house, my parents sleep too damn light! I came down here, there's nothing on the stupid television. There's too many fucking religious channels, too many so called "christians" telling me how I should believe and live my life to be accepted by God. If I ran down a retarded football field and caught a pig skin ball, even if I couldn't spell my name, would God fucking accept me then? One time me and Nate were in his car and Dave crossed our path and Nate asked me if he should stop and I said "Fuck No!" "Splatter his guts!" "I want to watch him bleed!" Kill all those motherfuckers! I wouldn't shed a fucking tear!!! Everyone in the school would be so sad that one of their perfect little son of a bitches was gone....WHO GIVES A SHIT?! Why doesn't Michelle call me? I want to hold her and kiss her again. I love talking to her, she really listens to me like Nate, but different. I want to nail her bad! He He! God do I love her, or do I just want her? Signing off Amigos 9/13/97 love, me_

 

   Thoughts of his day and the days that proceeded are what he most often wrote about, such trivialities of being seventeen. With the last letter form his pen, he put down his spiral which was his bible of sorts and turned his light out and rolled over to stare at the wall before falling asleep. Sometimes laying there he wanted to cry, but mostly he laid there and let the tension and the hate and the resentment towards everyone and everything build until he couldn't fall asleep at all, until his head hurt so bad he lay there with his fists on either side of his head begging for the pain to cease, cursing, and breathing deep. He had explained this to his therapist, his new one, and he prescribed him an anti-anxiety medication which was supposed to help, but the hatred of those who he felt were out to get him or just had no plausible explanation for being, just kept building. Sometimes he would say to his self, _"I used to not be this way...what the fuck am I thinking."_ Sometimes his parents felt too hard to reach, too distant, too serious. They had been through this with him since he was eleven. They took him to one psychologist who recommended he see a psychiatrist and start taking ADHD medication, then there were the anti-compulsive disorder drugs, though he couldn't quite remember being compulsive about anything, and then there were a few anti-depressants which made him nauseous or gave him diarrhea and then last but not least there are the anti-anxiety. They had worked the best so far. No side effects or none that bothered him much. Sometimes he questioned whether he was truly mentally ill or did he just have a "chemical imbalance"? The thoughts of how wonderful it would feel to kill someone he hated, how when he had a bad day at school, to come home and turn on his computer and enter his doom site and shoot the shit out of anything that moved. He loved to turn his stereo up so loud and yell and scream and cuss and hate and get it all out. One of his therapists recommended he start writing down his thoughts, no matter how graphic or pathetic, in a journal. This seemed to be what worked best. So he did every night, every day, every time someone pissed him off, or made him horny, or made him laugh, or cussed him out, or when his mind was racing, he wrote. This seemed to be his life besides hanging out with a few tight knit group of friends, smoking, drinking, blowing up stuff with homemade fireworks, cruising in his car, making fun of anything that was "superficial", jacking off, bickering with his parents, keeping an above average grade point level and trying not to give up, in fact, some days talking himself into not committing suicide. Those were his hard days and those days seemed to be getting too close together.

 

   That Tuesday morning came and was as rainy and miserable as the days that would succeed it. It was the kind of rain that no matter how much you tried to avoid it, you always ended up drenched. Ohio is known for its cold miserable mornings. Paul waited in the parking lot of Westvale High school for his best friend. He didn't mind the rain, and it didn't mind him, soaking his hair, his trench coat, and his duffel bag. He hadn't gotten much sleep from the night before and had planned to write Michelle a detailed letter of their brief insignificant relationship in study hour. A few other students walked by, some paid him notice; some did not, a few said hello. He was too numb anymore to realize a lot of things, and then there were the things, that no matter how much he tried, tore at the inner core of his being. They were things that other kids commented about or made gestures to, that went beyond hurting his feelings. What made him different now began to be something he cherished and craved. He went out of his way to show some of his peers that he was different, that he was to be feared, though many of the _"ass suckers",_ as he referred to them, were under society's hypnosis of what makes someone a good person, and at Westvale with its upscale suburban society, his parents fit into this niche', yet he didn't fit in at all. Nate didn't fit in either. They didn't care in fact they loved it. They took pride in their black ensembles and rantings of hatred and swastika decorated notebooks, writing and telling everyone about what a joke all of their lives were. A lot of these ideals were hidden form their parents. The conclusion everyone came to about the pair were that they were normal rebellious teenagers who will eventually get their act together and go on the have bright wonderful futures. It was never taken into consideration what the future plans of either boy were. Nate was to go on to college, had applied to three of them, one, Missouri State, looked promising. Paul's future didn't look so clear. Military like his grandfather, junior college in Cincinnati, nothing was for certain except for his grand plan. A plan he was contemplating on letting Nate Durham in on. A plan, in his mind, that was completely conceivable.

    Nate pulled up in his 1980 BMW his dad had purchased at auction, he acted like he was going to strike Paul with it as he pulled in the parking space. Paul flipped him off. Nate got out of his car and reached in to grab his backpack and pop. "Top of the morning to yah dipshit!" Nate greeted. "You couldn't hit me if you tried motherfucka!" Paul retorted. "Why the hell are you so early?" Nate questioned his friend. "Oh that damn assignment in Lowe's. I forgot my damn book so I thought I would show up early and finish it. I'm about done with it anyway." Paul said with grief in his voice. "Michelle call?" Nate asked. "Fuck no!" Paul yelled. "I wish I could figure out what the hell is up with that! I was up half the god damned night trying to figure things out!" Paul wearily responded. "She knows you are just seventeen doesn't she?" Nate chuckled. "Fuck you! I could pork her as well as any tenty-one year old." Nate laughed at his friend's boldness. "Yeah I could get that pussy primed!" Paul said smiling. "I don't know it's not really what we're about. She treats me real and you can't find that with the girls around here, yah know?  She sees my ideas, she gets me, she likes the same music I do and she gives me the biggest hard-ons." Nate laughed at Paul. Nate knew all too well what he meant by 'the girls around here'.

   There was one girl though who was different and that was Amanda. She thought Nate was adorable. She loved bad boys, boys who were brooding and intelligent and yet who were kind underneath the exterior. Against all her friends skepticism she saw all of this in Nate. There was a part of her that wished to be like him, maybe not so much of a follower, but a deep thinker, full of darkness and mystery that he and Paul seemed to possess. She had always had a feeling Nate had liked her for some time and the beautiful sixteen year old had the biggest crush on him. She wanted to be with him, but would he have someone like her? Was she dark and mysterious and open minded enough? Or did he simply see her as a part of her friends, not her apart from them? Nate really didn't give her much thought in that sense feeling as if she would never like someone like him. They shared a couple of classes and a couple of mutual acquaintances and a few conversations about trivial topics now and then. He thought she was cute, genuinely friendly and owned a dark sense of humor which he respected and he had been attracted to her for longer than he cared to admit to anyone; even Paul.

 

   "You better get in to Lowe's if you're gonna finish that thing." Nate said to Paul. "I truly don't give a shit!" Paul retorted. "Yes you do." Nate said with a tone of sincerity. Nate had noticed a change in his friend over the course of the last year and a half. A change to some extent he admired. It was a side to Paul that wasn't so nerdy or clingy. To just look at Paul he was a good-looking kid, a very mischievous smile, a five foot eight frame, with a slender muscular build. Dirty blonde hair adorned his head and his inset hazel eyes could stare right through you. He had a stride that made everyone aware of his presence. He and Nate's attire had changed over the last year but like everyone said it was attributed to being a teenager, finding your niche', discovering your independence. Paul was suited in mostly black T-shirts, black combat boots, black fatigue pants or cargos, a beret and suspenders. Nate's wasn't much different, he just wore it different. It wore him and his six foot three frame with shoulder length brown hair that he sometimes wore in a small ponytail, and blue eyes. There was nothing muscular about him. He was tall and lanky and gawky in some regard. He wore his combat boots on the outside of his jeans, and wore flannel shirts with t-shirts under them most often. His mother did not approve of his attire but figured since he was maintaining a reputable grade average, seemed to have a lot of friends, and had an enthusiasm for life in high school and thereafter, she didn't pursue to make a fuss about it. Nate was not as handsome as Paul, not the same new found confidence. He had never been on any kind of psychotic medication, but fought bouts of depression on a regular basis. Not a soul was aware of this besides Paul. He confined it, he confined the thoughts that associated themselves with it, and he worked through it. When he was in the midst of a battle with one of these episodes he bought into Paul's sarcasm and rants and speeches of how only the perfect beautiful people survived or were worth anyone's time. He also bought into these theories that there needed to be an uprising against these ridiculous judgments and they should be wiped away, a holocaust of sorts but against all humanity. Sometimes these thoughts made him scared for his friend, yet somehow he realized that his friend was right. Maybe this was the reason he fought this depression because it was all just one big mind game with some unnatural power in control. Maybe these people didn't have a right to live. What made them perfect anyway? Maybe there needed to be another mass extermination, not because of religion, but with the people of great wealth, people who had made themselves cosmetically perfect, people who had sports cars and rubbed it in your face, people who couldn't be your friend because if you were different or overweight they couldn't be seen with you. The problem was that Westvale was full of these types, at least in Paul's mind there were. Nate would consider for one second that maybe his friend was just a mind controlling bastard, but then when someone would snicker at his attire or go by and say "FRRREAK!", and get everyone in the hallway laughing as if they were a fucking genius and made up the word themselves, he bought into all his friend was telling him, took it for gospel, realizing something did need to be done to change the order of things. Maybe Paul was right, just graduating and getting out wasn't enough anymore. He would also listen for hours about how people abused welfare and how abortion should not be something seen as a sin, and how all the so-called "christians" needed to be seen for what they really were and that his parents had bought into all this bullshit and put him on every mind control drug known to man. And then he would laugh and say "If I ever really do kill someone they'll have to let me off because I'm fucking insane, all that shit that's been pumping through my system these entire god damned years! Fuck they don't even realize what a person like me is capable of without even caring! Hell I don't even care!" Nate would just laugh right along with Paul. For in many instances it was funny, his parents being held liable for his actions for they were the ones dosing and re dosing him. Then Paul would turn on a serious note, "No, if I ever did something so foul I couldn't turn back from, I wouldn't want them to be blamed, I would want all the fame. They have just been trying to help me. There's no helping one of Satan's sons." He would say this with an almost malicious tone in his voice. "You're going to Hell!" Nate would laugh. They usually got into these discussions while they were drinking from their parents cabinets or that which was purchased by some of their older acquaintances such as Michelle.

 


	2. The Impossible Heart

    Michelle was flattered that a seventeen year old kid was interested in her. She was delighted at the fact of deflowering him. She wasn't serious about him; she just liked his company, his and Nate's. They made her laugh. She thought Paul was an excellent kisser for his age and he made her remember a time when not so long ago she was in high school and felt too awkward to date much. She could also sense a maturity about Paul that not one else could. She wanted to have sex with him; she just didn't want to be in the position of having him cling to her because of it. Michelle called this the "puppy dog syndrome". She enjoyed dating guys her age; there was just something about Paul. She had met him four months prior at the bowling alley. He was just throwing the ball down the lane instead of really trying at it and he was keeping the company around him amused. One of her friends had worked at Hilltop pizza with Nate and recognized him and went over to challenge them to a game. They ended up playing three games and flirting. Michelle's friend, Callie, introduced Michelle to Paul and Michelle thought he was adorable. She and Callie were sharing an apartment on the outskirts of town and Paul would come over and they would make-out and talk for hours. He wouldn't ever step into his soap box with her alone. They would talk about school, their parents, childhood, drinking, movies, and music. She loved these times with him. He had confessed to her a week ago that he wasn't nineteen. She was upset that he had lied so she decided to punish him by not calling. He would leave her three or four messages a day for a couple of days. He stated he felt "normal" when he was with her. She didn't know exactly what he meant by this but found him appealing because of it. They had discussed having sex, he said he had been dying just thinking about it. She laughed at this. She had let him fondle her breasts and the outside of her underwear, but nothing more. She wasn't a virgin by any means; she just wasn't sure of his mental state sometimes, what having sex with no kind of commitment with him would conjure. Paul, she had concluded, needed commitments like that he and Nate shared, that Nate not only hung on every word but took it for truth.      

    Michelle was cute but was no beauty pageant winner. She was a size two with small breasts and mousy brown hair that she tried highlighting herself. She liked country music, smoked and thought for the most part that life was to be enjoyed only, for you never knew when it was going to be taken away from you. She was a tad immature for her age, but enjoyed being on her own. Paul kept insisting that she let him spend the night. She hadn't let him yet, for she knew if she did she wouldn't be able to back down to his advances. He had snuck out of his house a time or two and they would go driving around smoking cigarettes and listening to his cd’s and making out. She would buy him and Nate alcohol occasionally and have them over at her place, and laugh at the impressions and lip synchs that Nate would do to pop stars and hip hop music. She enjoyed the way her and Paul would snuggle on the couch laughing at his friend and he would hold her so tight it felt sometimes as though she couldn't breathe. It was these things that made her wish he was older and out on his own. Could she ever have the kind of feelings for him that would allow her to wait until he was? She knew he hated being in high school. She was aware that from about sixth grade on he had been picked on something fierce and this had left undeniable scarring. He did have this awkwardness about him that the other kids just couldn't grasp or accept. Sometimes he could be just plain weird as she recalled some of his ranting, " _If you don't play a fucking sport or suck some teacher's dick you don't get any kind of motherfucking respect around there! These people are never gonna change and they are what's wrong! They are the reason no one can afford medical care and there are homeless people! Because if you can't afford their kiss ass lifestyle then you're not worthy and you may as well die!"_   Michelle had trouble understanding some of this reasoning for his parents, and Nate's, were upstanding respectable people. They lived in more than modest homes and afforded things for the boys that a lot of kids would've given anything for. She felt Paul was a little spoiled in some regard, but then she figured that no matter how much money you had or what your parents were like if you were an oddball that's just how it was going to be. Michelle had grown up pretty close to poverty with an alcoholic father and learned that having a job and living on your own came from not giving up or giving in to what anyone had to say about you. She had known the taunts in high school and was glad she was free to some extent from it, and for this her heart went out to him.

 

    It was Tuesday morning and she had gotten to work late as usual, a habit she was trying to get out of, and clocked in. "Hey you did it again." Her boss Ellen walked by and let her know. Michelle worked in the classified section taking orders for ads at the Cincinnati Herald. It was tiresome and boring but it helped pay her rent and car payment. She had stayed up most of the night, silly she thought, to be thinking of a kid like she would a guy her own age. But she liked him, she really like him, and she was going to call him. She thought she probably should have last night, she just didn't know what to say but now she did. She couldn't hold back anymore, hell she was a woman after all she had urges and a huge crush on him, maybe more than she cared to admit. For now she would enjoy the flattery he put upon her because she was older and she paid him attention and he treated her like some unreachable goal and this in itself excited her.

 

    School had already been alarmingly boring today. Paul finished his assignment but not without the notice of Mrs. Lowe. She called him to her desk when class was let out. "Paul you are a very talented writer. You are very expressive, but I have noticed lately you seem to be lacking a little ambition. Is everything ok?" She questioned him. "Yeah, I've just been tired, I haven't been feeling well, and I think I have been fighting the flu or something. I enjoy your creative writing class; I just feel that some of the assignments are a bit tedious for me." Paul stated quite matter of fact. Lowe wanted to cheer his poignancy and at the same time realized why the other kids had a problem accepting him. He could be awkward. "Well I'm sure as the year progresses I will have more assignments which may spark your interests and talents to a greater degree." She said trying not to sound sarcastic. "I just wanted to touch base with you and see if everything was alright." She finished. "I appreciate that." He answered with that incredible grin. He went to his desk and grabbed his duffel and saluted her as he exited. His mind was racing. He got to study hall a few moments later and opened his journal.

 

_Fucking stupid whore! I'm lacking ambition. What, did her husband not eat her out well enough this morning that she has to pick on me? I was just minding my own god damned business and she had to go and ruin my fucking day!!! I have always done well in her class. Why doesn't she say something to the stupid fucking little miss perfects that sit behind me that can wave a fucking pom pom and probably can't even tie their own fucking shoes? Maybe they have ambition I don't have because they can fuck their stupid boyfriends on Friday night after the game, and shake their little asses in front of people and still go to church on Sunday and be forgiven for all that is not holy. I'm better than that! I'm not some fucking low life that has to live up to their expectations. I need a fucking pop..fuck that, I need a fucking buzz! Fuck everything I'm calling Michelle, she's gonna talk to me about this shit of I have to go over there and gag the bitch! I HATE THIS FUCKING PLACE! How's that for lack of ambition? Sometimes I wish this place would burn to the ground and leave all of your charred remains around so that you would have to be identified by forensics and then they would dig a mass grave and have on the headstone of it "HERE LIES A BUNCH OF WASTED LIVES WHO DESERVED WHAT THEY GOT!!!" Signing off Paul 9:15 am._

He put the time of day, for he knew where he was at, and that would not be his last entry of the day.

     The bell for the end of third hour rang, and Paul left his seat and slipped on his coat, grabbed his duffel bag and headed for the door. He walked to the part of the school where he knew Nate would be waiting on him to go to lunch. He spotted him on down the hallway and raised his arm to get his attention. Nate was in conversation with someone he recognized, it was Bruce. Bruce was friends with Chris who was a pretty good friend with both of the boys. Bruce scribbled something on a piece of paper and handed it to Nate. Nate quickly slid it in his pocket. He noticed Paul coming down the hallway and slipped his coat on. "I'll see yah man!" Nate said to Bruce. "Are you ready?" Paul asked coming up to him. "Yeah let's get the hell outta here!"

    They walked to Nate's car. "Where to?" Nate asked. "McDonald's sounds kosher to me." Paul answered. "Hey I got kind of a question for yah." Nate said "Well what the fuck is a "kind of a “question, either you have one or you don't. Want one?" Paul said as he held a cigarette up in front of his friend. "Sure...ok...what do you think of Amanda Beckwith?" Nate swallowed. "She's kind of one of _them_ isn't she?" Paul answered. "Well so if she is but what do you think of her damn it!" Nate insisted “She's real cute! Great ass." Paul said with a smile on his face. "I was thinking maybe she could come hang with us sometime, you know like at Michelle's or something." Nate said. "Hell who knows if I'm ever gonna be at Michelle's again." Paul said and for the first time he felt a real pain in his gut as he thought about never seeing her again. "How are you and her buddies anyway?Isn't she Chris's ex?" Paul asked. "Well she's still friends with Chris and Bruce. She was at the bowling alley Saturday and we have third period together...we've talked, she's cool...smart, not like some of the others. I catch her flirting with me, it drives me crazy!" Nate said laughing. "Maybe she's a tease?" Paul questioned. "I don't know, I don't think so, she doesn't seem the type." They got to McDonald's and ordered lunch and didn't have much to say to each other. They were consumed with thoughts the other one understood. "Oh, by the way, I can't come over today. My dad is "winterizing" the guttering system on the outside of the house, so you know what Mr. Paul Langly is going to be doing until it gets dark? Freeze my balls off!" Both boys laughed at Paul's comment. "Shit it aint that cold out yet!" Nate said. "When you’re on top of the friggin roof it sure the fuck is!" Paul retorted. When they had finished luch they got back in the car, lit and finished what was left of their cigarettes before they had entered the restaurant parking lot and extinguished them in Nates ashtray. They did this every time they went out. They would smoke half of the cigarette on the way there and then the rest on the way back to the school. It was like an unspoken ritual between them.

    The day dragged on and when the last bell rang Nate hurried to his car, threw his backpack in and raced home. His parents and little brother, who was at daycare after school, were never home before 5:30 so he had about an hour and a half every day to himself. He usually ate a snack and watched television. Sometimes he would nap, especially when he was really depressed. He had gotten a package of Twinkies from the pantry and laid them on the table. He poured himself a glass of milk and started for the living room. He laid the snack on the end table next to his dad's recliner. He sat down and unlaced his boots, and unbuttoned the top button of his pants. He was completely comfortable. Usually Paul was straddled on the couch next to him, but not today, and today he was glad for it. He wasn't going to just watch television today, he was going to make a phone call, a phone call that put butterflies in his stomach just thinking about it. He had been turned down by more than one girl in his short existence. He had a version of a one night stand one time with some girl he met at camp when he was fifteen. He didn't know how it came about, but they met, flirted and snuck out and had sex in the woods. He remembered her, she wasn't attractive. She was too skinny, but he remembered the way she would giggle when he would touch her somewhere. He remembered how nervous they both were and how quickly it was over and how he couldn't wait to get back and tell Paul about his exploits, him and all their other companions. Nate never returned to camp after that summer, for by the next, he was working at Hilltop Pizza, and he never saw Tanya again either. Sometimes he had trouble remembering her name. He finished his Twinkies and took one big gulp finishing his milk.

    He grabbed the cordless phone off of the end table and stared at it for a minute before reaching into his pocket and grabbing the number Bruce had wrote down for him. _Was Amanda Beckwith a tease?_ He thought about her blond hair in those long spiral curls, and her short tight black skirts she wore with tights and the way her earrings would dangle when she moved her head, and the way he could smell her perfume before she even entered the room. What was he looking for, a girlfriend or a savior? Sometimes he didn't even know, but he was about to find out if it was even worth his time. He dialed, he waited.

    Later that evening after taking a shower, Paul lie on his bed and let the ceiling fan cool his body. He had thought about Michelle all day. He grabbed his hair and pulled it to feel something. He did stuff like this a lot, just to feel his own reactions to things, sometimes to see if he still existed. He jumped when the phone on his dresser rang. His parents installed a line a couple of years ago for they felt every teenager needed one, and his older brother had had one. "Hello?" "Paul, I want to say first I'm sorry. I sometimes get into a funk like this..." Paul didn't let her finish. "I'm so glad you fucking called. You don't hate me?" Paul asked “No Paul, I don't hate you; I could never hate you.” Michelle answered. "It's just when you lied to me, I was nervous, your age, and now that I'm saying it out loud it sounds ridiculous." She kind of chuckled. "When can I see you?" "Whenever you want." She answered. "You know I get off of work around 5:00 it only takes me about fifteen minutes to get home." Michelle was inviting him, he was happy. He couldn't think of many things that made him as happy as this did. As happy as he was when he was talking to her, or with her. "My parents had a talk to me about wanting me to get a job this year now that I'm a junior and shit, and Nate said they are probably hiring at Hilltop. Nate only works weekends to keep his grades good." "Why are you telling me all this?" She laughed. "Because I need to work to be a responsible adult and so I can take my girlfriend out on real dates, and buy my own fucking car insurance my parents keep bitching about." Paul knew he was blushing. Michelle couldn't remember when a man had made her smile so much. "Well I do work, and I want to take my boyfriend out and how about Friday?" She asked. "Sounds real good." Paul answered. This was the first time they had referred to the other as boyfriend/girlfriend. They talked for the next couple of hours while Paul finished his homework and she lay in bed with the television on. Paul would sleep just fine tonight. No cursing, no headaches, no more journal entries for today.

 

   Wednesday Paul waited for Nate in the parking lot as usual, but today he felt like sitting in his car and having a cigarette. He kept looking in his rearview to see if Nate had driven up yet. _"What the hell is taking him so long?"_ Paul muttered to himself. Just then Paul saw David Brach pull into the spot directly in front of him. His girlfriend was with him, and they were talking and laughing and looking Paul's way. Paul pretended not to see them. Just then David walked around to the passenger side of Paul's car and motioned for him to roll down his window. Paul rolled his eyes and reached over to roll it down. "Hey faggot smoking kills." David started laughing. "Fuck you, you fucking piece of white trash!" Paul yelled. "Get out of the car asshole and I'll make new parking lines with your god damned face." Dave threatened. "Leave him alone, Jesus just grow up." Sarah insisted, pulling her boyfriend by his upper arm towards the school. "He'll always be a strange one, just let him be." Sarah laughed. Paul wanted to yell at her and call her a stupid worthless fucking whore, but he had done that before, and he nearly ended up with a broken nose. Those two weren't the only ones to have treated him that way. One time when Paul was at his grandfather's he looked down the barrel of his uncle's shotgun and imagined Dave's face at the end of the barrel. It was a real pleasant feeling. He imagined which way the brains would probably come out. Just thinking about that now made him smile.

    He looked in his rearview and saw Nate's car pull up in the row behind him. He saw Nate get out, and then he saw the passenger door open up and Amanda stepped out as well. Paul, for a second, questioned what he was seeing. They walked over to Paul's car and Amanda said, "Come on open up its cold out here!" Nate just stood there smiling. Paul reached over and unlocked the passenger door. Amanda climbed in the back and Nate got in the front. "Hey can I steal one of those; I haven't had a cigarette in two days!" Amanda pleadingly asked Paul. "Sure." Paul wanted to know everything; why was Amanda with Nate? Did she just need a ride to school; no she usually rode with Chris. Did she really like Nate? Maybe she did, maybe Paul had been wrong about her. "Hey Nate was telling me you guys like to shoot bb guns and stuff out in the woods, well my uncle owns a shooting range, he has guns you can practice with, I just thought if you wanted, it might be fun." Amanda said to Paul. "I asked Nate and he said I should see if you wanted to come. It's a great way to blow off some steam, I've done it myself." She continued. _Blow off some steam, what the hell had Nate told her?_ Paul turned to his side and looked at Nate and Nate just shrugged his shoulders. "Maybe." Paul answered. "Paul makes some killer homemade fireworks, once we made this pipe bomb, a small one, from a manual that he stumbled across on the internet, and we blew up an old dog house with it." Nate told her. Paul laughed remembering the look on Nate's face when he wasn't sure if it was going to go off and then it did unexpectedly. "We better get in there, we're gonna be late, assholes." Paul said to Nate and Amanda.

 

In Lowe's class she was showing a film about American authors. Paul was busy writing his latest rants in his journal.

 

_So Nate has a girl. Good for him. I guess she seems sort of cool, but she better not interfere with us. Maybe I should get to know her better. I don't know if I like Nate telling her shit about me. But then again I tell Michelle shit about Nate, like when he does something stupid and pisses me off. I can't see her and Michelle getting along very well, she's too cutsie for Michelle. I wonder where Michelle is taking me Friday? I slept so good last night I thought I was in Heaven. Well, I probably won't make it there. He he!_

_Dave Brach...YOU are the most retarded mother fucker I have ever laid eyes on! YOU know you don't deserve to live don't you? YOU are the most fowl smelling piece of shit that ever floated on a river. Now let's talk about your piece of ass....OH MY GAWWWWWD, what a little loose lipped piece of dog shit she is!!! I bet she can't even suck your dick without gnawing on it. I wish you were dead and I wish I was the one to kill you. You better watch your back and grow eyes in places you didn't know existed because one of these days I'm gonna come for you and you better run. You can run like a mother fucker but you can't hide. I've got a disease in my mind they don't know what it is, but it won't let me feel any remorse for what I am capable of . Go ahead waste what time you have left. Laugh, live it up! See if you can laugh after my sawed off gets done with your face. Signing off, love Paul 8:45 am._

Nate called later that night feeling unease with his best friend.  Paul answered sounding drained from his day. "Yeah?" "Hey I just wanted to clear the air so to speak about this morning with Amanda. I should have said something to you."  He said with sincerity. "Eh, no biggie, dude." Paul said yawning. "So are you and her a 'thing'?" Paul questioned him.  "Oh, I think we are just getting to know each other better.  She seems like she can at least be a good friend; she's a good listener."  Nate explained feeling as if he was beginning to senselessly ramble on.  Paul couldn't help feeling a twinge of jealousy but this had always been the case when it came to his best friend. 

 

 

  

 


	3. The Curse of Being the Third Wheel

     After school Paul followed Nate to his house and realized Amanda was going there too. Paul felt awkward. Maybe this is how Nate felt around him and Michelle, but he never remembered him not wanting to go. The three of them sat in front of the television eating chips and drinking pop and making fun of the old re-runs. Amanda took her shoes off and sat on the floor for a little bit laughing at the boy's comments. Nate had taken over the couch and Paul had cozied into the recliner. Amanda got up and walked over to the couch and sat next to Nate. Paul watched from the corner of his eye as his friend put his arm around her. Paul took this as his clue that his company was no longer needed.

      He gathered his things, bid farewell to the both of them and got in his car. He decided to take the long way home, sometimes just driving by himself felt like some kind of freedom. For a second he realized how lonely he had felt walking out that front door knowing that Nate was snuggled up with Amanda. Nate had told him during lunch that they were on the phone until almost 3:00 till her mother got on and told her to get to bed. "I can't believe we hit it off so well. She really likes me and I told her I liked her and we just clicked. It was so fucking cool. We have so much in common." Nate couldn't stop talking about her. Paul felt that after Michelle, he guessed it was his turn to play audience. He missed Michelle all of a sudden.

     He reached his house at around 5:15 and his mom had just got home and was going through the mail and taking off her shoes. "Hey you been at Nate's?" His mom asked. "Yeah for a little while." Paul responded. "I don't feel much like cooking; maybe your dad can pick up some Chinese on the way home." She said. "That would be cool." Paul answered.

     Margaret Langley was a shy woman who never asked much from anyone. She put herself through college on a music scholarship and met Bill Langley her sophomore year. He was handsome and outspoken. Margaret was more reserved and polite but there was something she found very appealing about him. The two started dating and were engaged to be married their senior year. They were engaged for two years before they finally made it official. They married August 18, 1971. They had their first child in 1972 and named him Casey. They lived on hardly any money those first few years. They hadn't planned on Margaret's pregnancy with Casey so they squeaked by on what Bill made as a draftsman for an engineering firm. He worked his way up in the firm and it was nine years later before they decided to plan to have another child. On August 20, 1980 two days after their ninth wedding anniversary Margaret gave birth to another son named Paul William Langley. She loved Casey dearly but it was Paul who was the center of her world. She could tell early on he was bright. He caught onto things quickly and learned to read by the time he was four. He was accepted into accelerated kindergarten and was placed in the honors program upon entering second grade. Margaret noticed Paul starting to regress socially about fifth grade and mentioned this to Bill. Paul would throw violent fits and hit and kick at her. This broke her heart. She was frightened for her son who was so gifted yet now seemed as tortured as she watched his reactions to all the medications the psychologists prescribed. She loved this child so much and her and Bill tried desperately to help him. They read every article, did research on different specialists and prayed. He had practically no friendships to speak of, just playmates here and there, but no real attachments to anyone. When he reached eighth grade he started to settle a bit, started being interested in girls, video games and skateboarding. This pleased them for he was showing signs that he had normal interests and was parallel to other children his age. This was also the year he met Nate. Margaret and Bill were so glad that they had become friends, close friends. Nate's parents were wonderful and were understanding to the difficulties they had had with Paul. Paul was always welcome at the Durham household and Nate was at the Langley's. Casey, Paul's older brother had found work out of state for a construction company as a salesman and moved out of the house when Paul was only twelve so he wasn't around much as Paul got older. In fact, Casey was scarcely around, and his parents were always regretful of this for they wanted their sons to have a closer relationship. They felt that they were partly to blame for all of the attention that Paul demanded of them, especially Margaret. Casey came home on Holidays until he married when Paul was fourteen. He had transferred to California and now they were lucky they heard from him twice a year. For Paul's seventeenth birthday the Langley family took a trip to California to be with both of their children. Paul and Casey hardly spoke. Margaret thought the trip would cheer Paul up and give her and Bill a chance to sort of make amends with their eldest son, but neither idea materialized. Paul had seemed so depressed. In fact Margaret had realized Paul didn't talk to her or Bill much anymore. She didn't want to cramp her son's personal space so she kept her relationship with him as close as she could without stepping over boundaries. She felt teenagers, especially boys, needed a lot of privacy, and she gave this to him. Margaret was unaware of the journal with sadistic language and the web pages of hatred dedicated to those he despised and the ever changing weak mental state of her youngest son. "Pizza sounds good also." "No mom, Chinese or whatever is fine." Paul answered closing his bedroom door which was the home’s basement.

      His room was a collection of rock posters, dirty clothes by his bed, empty pop cans made into a pyramid, the dresser where he hid cigarettes and books containing instructions on building pipe bombs. One drawer was filled with nothing but small ones he had made with gunpowder and other miscellaneous materials. When he and Nate had nothing better to do they would drive out to the woods by the lake and set them off. Nate took one to work once when a co-worker didn't believe him about it and he caught a dumpster on fire with it. He almost lost his job and was suspended. He told his parents that he had built it all by himself. He would never incriminate his best friend.

     Paul shut his door and grabbed his telephone. He dialed Michelle's number but she wasn't home yet. Her answering machine picked up and after Callie's voice cut off he left her a line. "Hey M it's me, I just thought I would give you a call, I didn't know if you'd be home or not. Well...call me. This is Paul." He reached over and put one of his favorite cd’s in his stereo. He pulled his books from his duffel bag and scattered them across his bed. He turned the stereo up louder and let the music fill his head. He retrieved a pen from his duffel and started doing his chemistry review homework. This school work was so tedious, he wondered how much of it would he really use once he was on his own. He wondered what the Marines would be like. Would there be guys there that he had things in common with? He doubted it. He was for certain there wouldn't be anyone as smart as him there. What if there was ever a war? What if he was ever placed in the position of really having to kill someone and have it be legal? He thought about that. He thought about all the release associated with that, or would it be scarier than he thought? He went back to concentrating on his homework; he didn't like to think about it, not now.

     A few moments later there was a knock at his door. He went to open it, and Nate stood before him. "What are you doing here? I thought you were with Amanda?" He asked in a sarcastic tone. "She had to be home." Nate answered. "Is she your girlfriend yet?" Paul asked. "I don't know, we'll see I guess. I like being with her, I know that." Nate answered. "I just don't know, that's all." Nate said with a smile on his face. Just then his mom came down. "Hey Nate you want to stay for dinner?" Margaret asked. "No I have a ton of homework, thanks though." Nate answered. She turned to go back upstairs. "I came by cause I felt that you might be pissed.” Nate said staring at the floor. "Well I better get going.” Nate said as he turned to leave. He reached the door and turned back around one last time. “Do you like her?" Nate asked. "Yeah she's not bad, really." Paul said of Amanda. "See yah!" Nate said “Yeah!” Paul answered. Nate walked upstairs and said goodbye to Margaret and left.

     Bill arrived at home with Chinese food in hand and sat it on the table. "It sounds as if there's a damn live band playing in our basement." He commented. "I'll go get him." Margaret said. She went and retrieved Paul and he joined them at the dinner table. He took his fair share of rice and two egg rolls. "I thought you liked the broccoli beef stuff." Margaret said. "Yeah I do I'm just not real hungry. I ate too much lunch." Paul answered. "So have you asked Nate if they are hiring at the place he works at?" Bill inquired. "No I haven't had much time." Paul answered. This annoyed his father. "You have time for the god damned video games, computer, and playing with your friends, but you don't have the time to find a job? I find that hard to believe." Bill answered. Paul sighed loudly rolling his eyes. "Yeah, I'll ask him tomorrow." Paul answered. "You better do something. I and your mother aren't going to pay for your insurance and all the other little expenses for the rest of your life, son. You need to start taking matters with some things in your own hands. It costs us an arm and a leg just to put fuel in three cars. “Yeah I know, I am going Saturday when Nate is there and see about it, I promise!" Paul answered. His father didn't say anything else to him. Bill and Margaret turned to conversations about their jobs and friends. Paul was all alone again, even at the dinner table with his parents. After he had cleaned his plate and belched loudly, getting a knowing look from his father, he retreated back to his basement, his room, his world. He took out the spiral and began writing.

 

_I love my father, I really do. Why doesn't he just for once ask me how I'm doing? Why is it the only time he wants to talk to me he has to nag at me? I don't know him anymore. Ever since I have been in behavioral counseling and on meds, it's like I'm not his child anymore. Mom...it's like she doesn't know what to say to me. Sometimes I feel they are more strangers than parents. I want to tell them so much. I want to tell them I'm sorry for all the stuff I have put them through. I want to tell them thank you for being patient and finding me help, or trying to anyway. I know some people would give anything for my parents, and that's cool. But here I am they are mine and I don't really know them, or at least that's how it feels. I wonder if Michelle is going to call me. I can't remember what night of the week she and Callie go and do laundry. I want to smell her hair. Sometimes I sit and think about the few bitches that dumped me. It would make me crazy and I did some pretty fucked up shit to get back at them. Like when I laid on Megan's door step after she told me she just wanted to be "friends". I had a toy gun and was screaming at her and acted like I was going to shoot myself. She started screaming and crying and saying she was sorry and shit. Finally, I couldn't handle it any longer and I just started cracking up. She went back to school and spread all kinds of shit about how crazy I was. What a fucking little whore. I would've dumped her anyway. Michelle can be as weird as me. She likes looking at all those gory pics on the computer and has the sickest sense of humor....I love it!!! Amanda seems ok. Nate can have a real kiss ass side to him sometimes and I guess this is where she fits in at...fuck who knows? Why should my best friend stick with me? No one else does. Sometimes I think about leaving this miserable fucking place, this miserable fucking existence. I've thought about it a lot lately. Sometimes I can't find a reason for staying here. Do you really go to hell when you die? Or does God feel sorry for you, is there a God? Heaven or Hell....ok my pagan personality is showing. Ha Ha! I don't want to die alone. Sometimes I think about taking all those with me who made me suffer, just start killing them and then before they catch me kill myself. What a sick twisted fuck I must be to think this way. Ha Ha Ha!!! Ok enough fucking around....well my phone is ringing, love Paul. 7:32pm_

_  
_

     "Hello?" Paul answered the phone. "Hey you, what are you doing?" Michelle asked. "Not much just homework. What are you doing?" He inquired of her. "Just got home I worked over a little while, I need the extra money." She continued. "I can't wait to see you I thought about you a lot today...I know that sounds corny." She said. "No, at least someone did." Paul answered. "Oh are you in one of your self-pity moods?" She joked “Yeah something like that. My dad was sort of on my ass at dinner." Paul said. "Oh you make me remember of why I am not at home anymore." She laughed. "Just hang in there you've only got two years give or take a little." She said. "Yeah but I don't know." he said. “Know what?" She asked. "Sometimes two years seems too fucking long." He answered her. "I have to see you Michelle." He said with a serious tone in his voice. "I know I have to see you too, you will Friday. Can you wait? You only have three days." She said as she giggled. "Come get me I'll sneak out." Paul insisted. "Babe I can't, I am really tired, I would be no fun." She replied. "Yeah you would, you're always fun no matter what we do." Paul said. "I can't Paul, I need some rest sweetie." She said sounding regretful. "Whatever." He said slightly agitated. "Well, I need to go Paul, I will talk more tomorrow night, I’m just really tired." She said. She knew he was in one of his moods and she didn't want to get into an argument with him. "Yeah, we'll talk tomorrow; I have a lot of fucking homework anyway." Paul said. "Bye Paul." Michelle said "Bye." Paul returned.

      He hung up the phone feeling guilty for the tone he had used with her. He was aware of why she had gotten off of the phone so abruptly with him. They had ended up in an argument when he was in one of these moods and they almost stopped seeing each other. Then he finally told her the truth about his age. “This girl must really like you for she keeps putting up with all your crap!" Nate had told him once. Deep down he knew it was the truth.

 

    Friday after school, Paul came home dropping his things in the front entryway and went and grabbed the phone book from beneath the end table. He looked for the number to the Cleveland Herald. He had had an idea that had been with him all day. He found the number and went to use the kitchen phone. After a few rings a woman answered. "Cincinnati Herald, what extension please?" "I'm not quite sure, I would like to place and ad." Paul said without trying to snicker. "One moment and I'll connect you." the woman said. "Classifieds" another woman answered. "Yes, last week I placed an ad regarding the sale of my boat and the woman told me it would run until this Saturday and it hasn't. I would like to speak to her please." Paul continued. "Would you like to speak to a supervisor sir?" The woman asked. "No I want to talk with the young woman with whom I placed the ad. "What was her name sir?" "Michelle Winters ma'am." Paul answered. "One moment, please sir." The woman said as she transferred the call. A few seconds later Michelle answered. "This is Michelle Winters how can I help you?" Paul did his best to disguise his voice. "Yes I need to speak to you about an ad regarding a boat." Paul said “Ok, have you already placed the ad?" Michelle asked. "No, and I want it to read like this." Paul said ready to activate his plan. "Hang on a second sir let me get to that screen on my computer. After a brief pause she spoke. “Ok sir go ahead, and then I'll get your billing information after we're finished here, ok?" "Sounds good. I have a boat, or I know where one is and I was wondering that after your date with your boyfriend if you wouldn't mind meeting me there for a little, well you know. I think it would be completely romantic, and erotic in every sense, and truly ma'am I think you don't know what you're missing." Paul was about to start laughing. The line went quiet for a second before Michelle said, " You jackass you're gonna get me in trouble." She was laughing. "So where's this boat?" She asked   "Down by the lake do you want to go?" He implied. "Yes I do." she answered. Paul was grinning from ear to ear. "Hey Mr. I'll see you about 6:30." She said smiling. "I'll be waiting M." He answered.

 

     He went over to the pantry and grabbed something to snack on and went to the living room and turned the television on. He flipped through the stations and didn't find anything that sparked his interests. The doorbell rang and he got up to go towards it. When he answered Nate and Chris were standing on the porch. "What do you assholes want?" Paul asked jokingly. "We just came by to see what's up." Chris replied. "Well here in a little while I need to start getting ready to go out." He said. "Oh yeah the big real date with Michelle." Nate snickered. Sometimes Paul hated the way Nate could act around their other friends. "We really came by to see if you wanted to go to the shooting range tomorrow with us." Chris asked. "Well I guess I could, I thought you had to work?" Paul questioned Nate. "Well yeah, I get off at around 4:00, so sometime after that, just for an hour or so. Amanda will be there tomorrow and we can get in for free." Nate continued. "I see." Paul said. "Sure pick me up when you're ready." Paul said. Chris turned and stepped off of the porch. Nate proceeded then turned to bid his friend farewell. "Hey have fun tonight." Nate said with sincerity. "I'm sure I will." Paul responded confidently.  

 

      Paul waited what seemed like forever on the Langley's couch staring at the clock. Finally he saw a car's headlights beam off of the wall in the entryway and knew it was her. "Mom, I don't know what time I'll be home. I won't be out after midnight, and if I need anything I'll call." Paul assured her. "I trust you." Margaret answered laughing. She couldn't believe how nervous her son was. She knew he had been out before with Michelle and not to mention a few other girls, she didn't really understand what was different about this time, but Bill was keen to his son's nervousness. They were also guided under the false pretense that Michelle was only 19, and went to junior college in the city. Paul made it to the door and his dad caught him by the arm as he came into the living room. "Don't do anything that you can't turn away from." Bill said quietly to his son. Paul couldn't believe what he was hearing. He kind of half smiled and continued putting his trench coat on. "Bye dad." It was all that Paul could manage with a reddened face. He almost felt like he was stuck in a bad episode of a family sitcom.

       He walked over to the passenger side of Michelle's car and opened the door. He could tell she had just extinguished a cigarette before she arrived. She leaned over and kissed him. He wanted to get as far away from his home as possible. She drove him on into Cincinnati and they arrived at a quaint little Italian restaurant. He wouldn't let her open her own door, and she told him she didn't know where the boat was at so he could drive the rest of the date. This made him smile. He held her hand as they walked in the little restaurant and he pulled the chair out for her once they were seated. "This is nice, how did you know about this place?" Paul asked.   "I came here once to celebrate my dad's birthday. As you know we didn't go out much so when we did it was a special occasion." She smiled remembering that day. "He loves Italian food." She continued. "So how was your week?" She asked. "Ah, school is school. I guess I'm going to some shooting range with Nate and probably Bruce and Chris also, tomorrow, and Nate's ‘girlfriend’." He said gesturing quotations with his fingers. The waitress came over and asked them if they were ready. "No, I need a minute or so." Paul answered. "Take your time." the waitress said. He began scanning the menu. "Since when does Nate have a girlfriend?" Michelle asked curiously. "Since this past week." Paul answered not looking up from his menu. "How does that make you feel?" Michelle enquired. "Oh hell I don't know, I guess a part of me is glad, but she's not like you, she's kind of spoiled." Paul answered. "Is she pretty?" Michelle asked laughingly. "Yeah, she is pretty....she is… like you." Paul answered assuring her. She appreciated that gesture. It was that kind of small insignificances that made Paul different than the other guys she had dated. He was already aware of her feelings about female insecurities, like what her boyfriend thought about other girls. "Is the linguine any good?" Paul asked Michelle. "Yeah their Alfredo sauce is made from scratch, it’s the bomb." She answered. "I'll have that." He said closing his menu. They finally ordered and didn't really talk much while they ate. They finished their meals and sat for a moment talking about the changes going on in her department at work, and then he talked about having to find work, before they decided to leave. They got outside and she handed him the keys. He opened the passenger door for her and she got in. Paul got in and started her little red Escort. He leaned over and kissed her on her forehead. "Thank you for being here with me tonight. Not many people understand me like you do Michelle. You're so different from the other girls I have known. It won't be long before I'm eighteen, and I want you to know that no matter what my future plans are, I want you to be a part of them. I like you madly, like I have never liked anyone. You make the hatred in me go away. I just wanted you to know that, I'm not trying to freak you out or anything." Paul stated to her. "No, I think that is one of the sweetest things I have heard in a long time." Michelle said smiling at him. "Thank you for making me feel this way." She said. She stared at him as he was driving and realized how much it made her ache, that he would be eighteen before long, but could she wait, would he wait? She knew what it was like to be on your own. There were so many things that life still had in store for him, for her too. Then she wondered why she was feeling this way because she wasn't supposed to.

    They reached the boat docks after almost an hours drive and he pulled up to the sign that stated what size fish you were allowed to keep. He handed Michelle the money. "You'll have to pay the guy because I'm not old enough. I know how to drive a boat on this lake though." "They rent them out this time of night?" Michelle asked Paul. "Yeah, a lot of guys rent them to fish at night. The lake is manmade you know and it's not that big. It's not like you can steal it." Paul laughed. "I'm not worried about that." Michelle rolled her eyes at him. "Why did you give me so much money?" She asked. "Because it cost more to rent the ones with the cabin below." He said nearly blushing. "Oh." She said as she turned around and headed for the window. There were a few guys fishing off of the dock, who gave funny looks to the young couple who were a tad too dressed up for a late night fishing trip. She walked to the window and made her request to the man seated in front of a television in the tiny trailer. He was short and balding and kind of reminded her of her father. Paul stood to the side of the trailer watching her every move. He noticed how nice her legs looked in her black hose, and black pumps. She had to stand on her toes to reach the window, and her legs showed their definition. Paul found himself strangely aroused. He had never noticed that about any woman before now. She was dressed in a long sleeved dark blue dress that hugged her thighs right above her knees and a small black leather jacket. Her hair was pulled back in a French twist and she smelled like peaches and musk. She wore a tiny gold chain around her neck with a cross pendant. She wore a little gold band on her pinky and her small gold watch with little rhinestones and her earrings were fake diamond studs. Paul stood back watching her show the attendant her license and count back the change to make sure it was correct before handing it to him. He was taking all of her in; for he had a feeling he would never forget how she looked on this night.

      "It's number twelve." She said pointing to the boats. They found number twelve and climbed on. Paul stuck the key in the ignition and started it. He drove the boat out past the few fishermen that were perched along the banks and came to a small cove. Michelle enjoyed the ride. The air was cool and crisp but it was so peaceful. The sky was clear and the sound of the water was wonderful and inviting. The mist that sprayed her was cold but invigorating. Paul brought the boat to a halt in the little cove. "Well here we are." Paul sighed. "So how do you know how to navigate a boat?" She asked. "My dad, uncle, grandpa...all big hunters, fishers, that sort of thing. I think I was eight or nine the first time I drove one. My mom never knew about it. It was me and dad's little secret." He thought back to that moment for a brief second remembering how proud his dad was of him as he threw the anchor overboard. Michelle opened the hatch which led below and she started climbing down the stairs. Paul followed her. "It stinks in here!" She gasped. She took a small perfume bottle from her purse and gave it a couple squirts here and there. "Better." Paul said laughing. He turned on the small lantern on the wall of the cabin and took a quick survey of the cabin. The bed was unmade, but there were fresh sheets on the small table against the other wall which folded out into a bed. It had been a long time since he had been on a boat like this. Michelle grabbed the sheets. "Are you going to help me?" She smiled at him. "Yeah." He said grabbing one end of the sheet before unfolding it. Together they made the bed and sat down on it afterwards. "Well Paul I think you should know something before anything happens. If you brought something with you, you don't have to use it. I have been on the pill since I was seventeen." She said shyly. "I am glad you told me that but I hope you don't feel like I intended anything to happen." He said looking at the floor. "No that's not what I meant; I just wanted you to know in case, ok?" "Ok." He said. He took her hand and kissed the back of it. She smiled and put her arms around him. She started kissing him all over his cheeks and lips and neck. He thought how nice that it felt like they were the only two people at that moment. He returned her kisses and caressed her back. He ran his hands down her legs and up her thigh. She let out a slight moan, and it drove him crazy. So here he was; where he wanted to be and who he wanted to be with. It felt more wonderful than he had ever imagined. Before he knew it his nude body lay next to hers with just a thin sheet covering them, and one beneath. Her sweat incased him and the light from the small lantern illuminated her face and at that moment he couldn't remember ever seeing a woman more beautiful.

     They made love two more times and before he knew it, it was 2:30 in the morning according to his watch which in the heat of things he hadn't removed. "Shit I have to go and I don't want to." Paul said regretfully.   "Sweetie I wish you could stay the night." She said holding him on top of her. "I have to." A part of him wanted to cry. He got off the bed and found her clothes and handed them to her. He scooted around with his hands and found all of proceded to get dressed. They tidied up and took the sheets off of the bed and put them in the plastic laundry bag and headed back up to the deck. They had been so warm and now it felt freezing. "Come here." Paul called to her. He placed her hands underneath his on the steering wheel and she helped him steer. She was so happy at that moment. She wished he could go home with her, so he could be the first thing she saw in the morning. Her heart ached knowing that they would be parting soon. She felt it unfair to be feeling this way. He was feeling it too. He knew now, he loved her. Not just because they had had sex but because he really did love her.

     They took forever saying goodbye and he finally went in and closed the front door behind him and watched her drive off through the peephole. His parents were in bed asleep. He knew one, if not both of them, would lay into him in the morning, maybe even ground him, but he didn't care. He went to his room and took his clothes off except for his underwear. He held his sweater up to his face. He breathed in her perfume. He reached over to his dresser and grabbed his notebook.

 

_Oh my dear wonderful friend, my lists of all emotional thoughts. I think I am in love. Is this what it feels like to be normal? Have a girlfriend. I definitely have to get a job now. I want to buy her things, take her places, show her things, show her that I am responsible. I can't believe I feel this way. I don't know if I can tell Nate about this, he'll think I'm a pussy. A part of me can't wait to get that rifle in my hand tomorrow. All that power and right now I feel like I can do anything. I'm going to drive to Hill top pizza in the morning and see about that job. I forgot how nice it was to drive a boat. Maybe I'll get one of my own someday. Well journal I am completely exhausted, but I don't think I'll have any trouble sleeping. He He! That was the most amazing thing I have ever felt. I just hope she enjoyed me, I think she did. I hope I measure up to the other guys she has had. I want her to want me again. Signing off Love Paul. 9/19/97 4:45 am_

Paul didn't get up until 11:10 the next day. He found his way into the kitchen and proceeded to make himself a bowl of cereal when Bill looked up from his paper. "By the way son you are grounded for two weeks." Bill said without blinking an eyelash. Paul looked at his mother who was tidying up the kitchen and said, "Paul you had me worried sick." She complained. "But you two were in bed when I got home. You must have not been too worried." Paul insisted. "We knew you were probably alright, you just didn't keep your word and no seventeen year old kid needs to be out until 3:30 in the god damned morning!" Bill stated. "Whatever!" Paul said pouring his milk. "You're going to think whatever. That's no after school with Nate nothing on the weekends for two whole weeks, sir." His father continued. "Yeah but you wanted me to go see about that job, which I am." Paul continued.   "That's different, you can still go to work, in fact you will go today if I have to take you myself, and then you're coming back home, straight home!" Bill insisted. Paul sat down at the table but found it impossible to eat. The night before was probably one of the best nights he had ever had and now this. How was he supposed to tell Michelle he couldn't see her for two weeks? He thought of how embarrassing that was going to be, even though he knew he might suffer the consequences for being out so late. “Since I and your father were up late we did some talking and we don't think it's such a good idea you see this girl anymore, she's a too old for you, you are still a minor technically, it could be illegal.”, Margaret said knowingly. "I can't believe this!" Paul cried. "I'm out late one lousy night and you take everything away from me, I promise it will never happen again!" He continued trying not to curse towards her. "We really don't think it's a good idea, you need to date girls your own age." His mother said. Paul turned and got up and threw his bowl of cereal in the sink. Margaret was a little startled. Paul stormed to his room. He slammed his door threw himself on his bed and grabbed his notebook.

 

 _What the hell did I ever do to them? Should I be asking that, I mean the stuff I can control. Now I have to go get ready to go see about that stupid job and I'm not even in the mood. Fuck them! I know they care and all that other parental bullshit, but are they against me feeling normal? I love Michelle I really do I can't imagine what would become of me without her! She's the only real thing I have in my life besides Nate and a few other things, really not worth mentioning. I swear if I had a gun I would end it now. I would rather end it than have to tell Michelle what an immature little punk she's dating._ Paul started crying. _I don't know what the fuck to do sometimes. I try to fit in everywhere I go, I'm starting to go inside myself and I don't like what I see. I'm scared actually of what the person inside is capable of. What a beautiful Saturday, what a good day to die...no not today I have to get a job. He He! I even sound fucking crazy. I wish my head would shut up. I can't make it shut up. I hate everything that moves in this house. I feel like something has caved down on top of me. Signing off, Paul Saturday September 20, 1997._


	4. Who Says There's Something Wrong?

     He left his room and went down the hallway to the shower. He started the water to let it warm up, and looked at himself in the mirror for a moment. He was wearing one of his black t-shirts that read "serial killer", which Nate had gotten him at the record store, and his blue boxers. He wasn't homely by any means. He surveyed his face closely running his hands over his chin. He hadn't gotten even stubble yet, his skin was still smooth. Nate had though, a little bit above his lip. This was funny to Paul. He opened his mouth and looked at his teeth, and ran his hands down his chest. He put his mouth to the mirror and opened it wider. He stepped back from the mirror for a second. He said to himself, _"What is it about me that they don't like or can't accept?"_   He undressed remembering how Michelle had touched him in different places. He turned and got in the shower. He let the warm water run down his back calming him down, bringing him back to the frame of mind he needed to be.

 

 

    Hilltop pizza was in the middle of one of their Saturday lunch rushes. Nate was working as fast as he could to keep dough coming out of the humidifier and onto the topping table. He enjoyed it when it got this fast paced for it made his day go by a lot quicker. He was anxious for this one to be over. He couldn't wait to see Amanda. They weren't serious but he liked her a lot. He wanted to get to know her better and better. They had nights in the past week where they would stay on the phone for hours. A lot of their conversations were silliness, some a little serious, but he was just beginning to get to know her. Nate was shy where girls were concerned, and he was completely content in letting her take the lead. Nate could feel the sweat on his forehead, for when he opened up a humidifier the steam would engulf him. Amanda and Chris said they would meet him there after he got off of work. He kept looking out towards the parking lot to see if maybe they were going to show up early. It was almost exactly forty five minutes before he got off of work.

He looked outside to the parking lot to see if maybe they would show up early. Just then Nate saw Paul and Bill pull up in Bill's pickup truck. They entered the restaurant and Paul walked up to the counter to ask Sylvia, one of Nate's co-workers, for an application as Bill seated himself in the booth by the window. Nate knew something was up. He took his last rack of pizza dough out of the humidifier and took a moment to go over to where they were sitting. He knew something was wrong but he wasn't daring enough going to enquire about it. "Hey there Nate." Bill said greeting him. "Hey guys, finish that thing Paul and when Greg, my manager, gets back I'll give it to him. I told him about you. He said he's wanting to hire someone to work in the evenings after school. I talked to my parents and I think they are gonna start letting me work more hours." Nate finished. "You guys cost a lot of money anymore, girls, video games, crap for computers, higher car insurance." Bill said jokingly. Nate let out a slight laugh and asked his friend if he was still coming with them that afternoon. Paul looked up from his writing and smiled. "No." Was all he could manage to say. Nate desperately wanted to know what had happened. He had a gut feeling it had something to do with Michelle. Paul handed the application to Nate and just got up and walked out without even telling his friend goodbye. "Call him later will yah?" Bill asked of Nate. "Sure." Nate responded. Bill and Margaret felt in some ways that Nate was one of the best things to have ever happened to their son. Margaret had gotten to know other mothers around the neighborhood where they lived after they had settled and enquired about Nate since him and Paul seemed to be spending more and more time together. Everyone liked Nate he was a quiet kid who was mannerly and never caused anyone any kind of grief. He was smart and did well in school. He didn't have many friends in school but he didn't seem to mind. Nate fought plenty of his own demons that no one was ever aware of. There were some days the depression would consume him entirely. He was a wonderful actor. He always seemed happy, never having much to say. Teachers raved about him as did some about Paul. Some kids joked around that they were gay. They had an attraction but it wasn't like that. Nate hated the way they could be treated. He hated that there were boys, who when they were younger, were his best friends and now shunned him like he had the plague. They would make fun of his thin body in gym class, tease him about being so tall, and make fun of his unusual sense of humor. Since he was twelve he was considered to be a fag, computer geek, nerd, and freak. He loved the way the trench coat and the combat boots made him feel. He felt as weird as he possibly could. He wanted to give them something to laugh at. He wanted to be a freak. He loved to get up in front of the speech class and give speeches about German rock bands and people who used dope and his ever famous English composition paper on how to be a successful hit man. His teacher found it amusing and never gave it a second thought that Nate could be really calling out for help in some way. Nate loved listening to music, especially driving in his car while smoking cigarettes and singing off key. He wore a baseball cap backwards on his head and always had dark sunglasses on if he wasn't indoors, even in Winter. He loved his family and his little brother Beau the best. Beau was seven and he looked to Nate as his hero. Nate enjoyed this immensely. Paul was the first person he ever felt a true connection with outside of his family. They had things connecting them like hatred and depression and sick twisted views of how things should be with the government and mankind.

    Nate was getting ready to clock out when he saw Amanda and Chris pull up in the parking lot. They stayed in the truck. Nate finished clocking out and washed his hands and ran them through his hair. He slipped on the long black coat, sunglasses and his ball cap. Amanda got out of the car to let Nate get in the front seat. Before he got in she gave him a long hug. "I've missed you." She laughed. He kissed her quickly and then got in the car.

    They drove out to the shooting range which was about fifteen miles outside of town. Amanda got out of the car and then grabbed Nate's arm playfully helping him out. "You usually have to take classes and stuff, which Chris here has. But my uncle will let you shoot a high powered bb gun." Amanda stated to Nate. Nate was a little disappointed. He had shot a rifle once when he went to Paul's grandfather's home. It was fun, it felt empowering as he remembered. He remembered imagining the targets were people who brutalized him and people on television that were in annoying commercials and such. Chris got his pistol out of its case from the trunk. "That's not much." Nate said. "I can get a hold of whatever you want." Chris said seriously. My dad knows gun dealers and stuff. "You're just bullshitting." Nate laughed. "No I'm fucking serious. You name it, automatic, semi-automatic, hunting rifles, twenty-five caliber pistols women can hide in their bras." Chris retorted. "Ok man, I was just playing around." Nate laughed. "You interested?" Chris asked. "Maybe." Nate said. "Just let me know." Chris finished "When will you be eighteen?" Chris asked Nate. "Not until next November." Nate answered shyly knowing that Chris was already eighteen for he had been held back a grade in elementary school. "That shit doesn't matter." Chris answered smiling. Amanda returned to them with the bb guns she had promised for her and Nate. Nate realized he only had a couple of months before he would be seventeen. He watched Amanda shoot the targets. She was pretty good but not as good as Chris, even Nate was impressed. Nate had always wondered what the relationship was between Amanda and Chris. They were real chummy to each other even now to the point Nate felt like a third wheel. Chris hit the one target straight on and Amanda ran over to him and kissed him on the cheek. "Way to go baby!" She yelled. Nate wanted to leave witnessing her flirting with Chris. How could he have been such a fool? Maybe Paul was right. Maybe she was a tease. "I need to be getting home." Nate announced. "Well I need to practice a bit longer." Chris implied. He threw Amanda the keys to his truck. "Come on I'll take you back to the pizza place to get your car and then I'll come back for that one." She said smiling. "It's hard to tear him away from this place, especially only after a half hour or so." She stated.

    They got in the truck and Nate couldn't figure out exactly what to say to her about the thing she had with Chris. "Are you alright Nate?" She asked. "What are you and Chris?" Nate asked. "I think we're friends." She answered. "You think!" Nate yelled. This was a side of Nate that not just anyone saw. "Listen I don't know what you think we are, I just thought you were fun, maybe I was fucking wrong!" Amanda retorted. Nate felt his blood boil. "I like you a lot, Nate, but I don't want to be serious with anyone right now, especially Chris." She said trying not to cry. "I'm not some whore!" She pronounced. "Did I say you were a fucking whore? Do you think I like fucking little whores?" Nate screamed. "Jesus Nate whatever fucking trip you're on I hope you come back soon, you're scaring the shit out of me." She said nervously. Nate burst into laughter and for the first time she was able to see Paul in him. "Just fucking take me back to my car, I can't believe I'm fighting with someone who doesn't even know if she wants to be my girlfriend or not." Nate said laughing. Amanda had never seen him like this, but she knew one thing, she couldn't wait to get him back to Hilltop pizza. "I wanted to get to know you better." Amanda said crying now. "There's not much to know. Are you some fucking prize that I, Chris and god knows who else has to compete for and then you get to choose which one of us is lucky enough to get to fuck you?" Nate continued. "You really don't understand. Maybe we can talk about it later." She ended the conversation. She finished driving to Hill top pizza and let Nate off. He got out and slammed the door. They didn't tell each other goodbye, and he was already sorry.

     "Hey Nate look what mommy got me at the drug store?" Beau held up a set of play walkie talkies. "I want you to have this one." Beau handed one of them to Nate. "Thanks bud. I need one of these." Nate said to him. He walked into the dining room laying his hat and sunglasses on the dining room table. "How was work?" His mother asked. "Same shit different day." Nate answered. "Nathaniel Marcus Durham, you will not use that kind of language in front of your brother." She warned. Nate kind of chuckled and so did Beau. Janice Durham loved her two sons more than anything. There dad, Howard Durham was a workaholic who was rarely home. He was employed with a consumer products council that did testing on different household items and commodities. Nate always wondered if he was having affairs on his mother now and then. He never related his fear to his mother. His mother helped run a small packaging and postage business. She didn't make much money but she loved to work with the public in their community. She had always been active in PTA and many charitable organizations and the town's welcome wagon. Nate always referred to her as the "saint." He loved her dearly and his father when he was around, but his fondest memories were of that with his mother, especially before Beau was born, as there was almost ten years between them. Nate retreated to his room taking the cordless phone with him.

    Nate dialed the number he knew without even having to think about it. "Hey there partner." Paul said knowing it was him from his caller ID. "I got in this huge stupid fight with Amanda." Nate said wearily. "What the fuck for you two aren't even technically together...right?" Paul added. "Technically, now there's a word." Nate said laughing. "So what the fuck are you grounded for now?" Nate asked. "Didn't take much to figure out that one, huh?" Paul kind of laughed. "I stayed out too late humping my girlfriend." Paul laughed. "What the fuck ever dipshit." Nate laughed. "No, that is the reason." Paul said with a serious tone. "You got Michelle?" Nate sounded surprised. "Yeah, and now they don't want me to see her anymore." Paul said hatefully. "They know you two slept together?" Nate asked. "Hell no! I didn't come home until around 3:30 or so, they were pissed even though they were both asleep when I got here, which doesn't make a fucking lick of sense. You know they have to protect their little mental patient." Paul said seriously. "They are protective of you but they have been through a lot with you, you know?" Nate said reassuringly. Paul knew his friend was right. "So you and Michelle fucked. When are you gonna fuck her again?" Nate laughed. "Well at this rate when I'm twenty-five." Paul said sarcastically. "I called her earlier and she acted disappointed, even kind of pissed but she said she wanted to see me as soon as I was paroled." Paul continued. Nate laughed at what Michelle had said. He couldn't imagine Paul having sex with anyone, even though he had seen him and Michelle together. One time he had pretended to be asleep and watched them make-out on her couch. "Maybe if your parents met her they would feel different." Nate said. "Maybe, I don't know what the hell they think." Paul added. Janice called from the kitchen that she had to use the phone. "Hey dude, I'll talk to you tomorrow the "saint" has to use the phone." Nate said sarcastically. "Gotcha!" Paul said. "I'll call you tomorrow and let you know what Greg said about your application." Nate finished. "Cool." Paul said. They hung up the phone and both of them continued lying on beds in separate households staring at the ceiling.

    Michelle sat at her desk the following Monday missing Paul. She couldn't wait to talk to him. She couldn't believe she had to wait a whole two weeks to see him, but she was determined to sneak him out of his house. She had to see him. She couldn't believe she felt this way about a barely seventeen year old boy, no one knew about her and Paul except Nate and Cassie. Cassie called her cradle robber constantly. She had dated a man once ten years older than him the previous year and he wasn't half as romantic or considerate as Paul.

    Carrie, a co-worker and one of her close friends came by to tell her the big news; her and her boyfriend became engaged on Friday. Carrie was two years older than Michelle, but she felt pains of jealousy down deep somewhere, for on Friday a seventeen year old boy lost his virginity to her and got grounded because he was out so late. She thought about that for a moment. "Oh my God Michelle it was the sweetest thing ever, we were right in the middle of the restaurant!" Carrie squealed. "I know I'm sorry, you'll find somebody, in fact Jason was asking me if I knew any single, young, cute girls to set his friend Tom up with. What do you say? Double date? He's a paralegal, makes good money, it's his uncle's law firm, and he's in law school. He is cute Michelle. He and his girlfriend just broke up about six months ago. I don't know why I didn't think of you sooner." Carrie continued. "Oh I don't know." Michelle responded. "Come on it'll be fun." Carrie coaxed her. "How old is he?" Michelle couldn't believe she was asking. "He's twenty-five has a nice bachelor's pad, dog, he's about five foot nine, great build, real nice always smells good." Carrie said laughing. Michelle thought for a moment. "I'll get back to you." She responded. "He's a great catch don't wait too long, somebody else will snag him." Carrie said joking around with her. Michelle sat there feeling confused. This guy sounded perfect, but then no one is. It pained her to think about how Paul would feel. She knew how important she was to him. She could tell by the tone in his voice when he talked of what his parents had said. "They will never keep me away from you, Michelle, never. We are going to be together all the time someday, and be in love and all that stuff; no one is going to take that away from us." Michelle remembered these words and knew she had to see him before she made the decision. It was just a date, with friends. She probably wouldn't even like the guy; anyway it would give her a chance to see how she really felt about Paul.

    Dave Brach was standing in front of his locker as Nate and Paul were coming out of the men's restroom. "Hey were you in there sucking each other’s dick?" Dave and three of his friends began laughing. Nate rolled his eyes and Paul just looked straight ahead and kept on walking. They were coming back from lunch for they had stayed at school to eat today. It was the dullest Monday in a long time, probably because Paul got grounded and Nate had his fight with Amanda and she wasn't talking to him. They saw Chris by the door as they were going out to Nate's car to have a cigarette. Chris came over to walk with them. "Hey does one of you guys have a light?" Chris asked them. "Yeah, I do." Paul said pulling it out of the inside pocket of his trench coat. They reached Nate's car and him and Paul lit a cigarette and climbed inside. Chris got in the backseat. "I guess you really pissed Amanda off." Chris said laughing. "She won't tell me what the hell you two got in a fight about." Chris said. "Something stupid." Nate answered. "Hey there aint nothing between us if that's what you're worried about. She really likes you Nate. She's a real cutie you know. I mean she could be something for yah." Chris continued. "You're saying I'm lucky to get her because maybe no one else would want me." Nate said coyly. Paul raised his eyebrows and was suddenly interested in the conversation. "No I didn't mean it like that." Chris said. "Damn man what the hell is your problem?" Chris continued. "Hey if she's a tease, she's a tease." Paul said exhaling his cigarette. Nate smiled at him. Paul was always good at underlying remarks that put people in their place.   "She's not a tease." Chris said rolling his eyes at Paul. "Whatever." Paul said gesturing his hand in a circular motion. "I guess I'm not having a good day." Nate responded. "She wouldn't even talk to me in class second period." Nate said taking a drag from his cigarette. "I guess that's why I like older women they know what they want." Paul stated. Nate and Chris simultaneously said, "Shit." And laughed. Then Paul kind of laughed. "Hey one of these days when you come to the range with me, just you, I’ll give you a "real" gun to toy around with." Chris said. "Sounds cool." Nate said. "What about me?" Paul asked. "Sure, whatever, man." Chris said nodding towards Paul. "That would be fun but I'm fucking grounded right now." Paul said. "Well whatever, when you're not grounded." Chris continued. They could hear the lunch bell ringing and started putting their cigarettes out. "Nate give her a call." Chris said talking about Amanda concealing the fact she had asked Chris to talk to him for her. Paul shot Nate a look and he said, "I'll think about it." They grabbed their things and got out of the car and back towards the school.

    Paul arrived back into fourth hour late. He looked at his teacher Mrs. Rosenthal and gave her an apology. He took his seat. "Hey are you late because Nate's condom got stuck up your ass?" Nick Kessler asked him. Paul felt his hair rise on his neck and his face became hot. Paul took out a piece of paper and wrote on it. _FUCK YOU AND DIE!!!_ Nick read it and laughed. Nick was part of Dave's clique and was always taunting Paul. Paul hated fourth hour for this reason. "Is there something you would like to share with us Mr. Kessler?" Mrs. Rosenthal asked. "No ma'am." Nick answered. Before the end of class Nick tilted his desk so he could whisper in Paul's ear. "You are gonna be so fucking sorry you weird little faggot. The only pussy you can ever get is your mama's." Nick finished. Something in Paul wouldn't let him cry. He was trying to make himself numb so he couldn't feel it. He had gotten used to holding back, but just knowing the tears were there was enough to make him mentally shut down and turn on the part of him that he hated most. "The monster", as he had described it in therapy many times.

    It felt like he was almost carrying himself to his next class after the bell had rung. Nick came from behind and pushed him as hard as he could. Paul fell to the floor. "I guess that trench coat can't keep you from falling down huh?" There were about ten to fifteen students just standing around staring or laughing. Paul could taste the blood in his mouth. "You are used to being on your knees aren't you, you little fag?" Nick kept taunting. Paul managed to get up collecting his things, which were scattered around him, and started walking away. He felt like dying right there. He wanted to go home and he did, skipping his last two hours. He knew the school would call his parents but he didn't care, he had to get out of there. Nate waited and waited for his friend after school and got worried when he walked out into the parking lot and his car was already gone.

    Paul was at home, curled up in his bed with the covers over him letting the tears roll uncontrollably, he could only think of one person. Michelle. He needed her like he had never needed her before. He finally dried off his face and called her at work. The operator put him through and he felt better just hearing her voice when she answered. "Please come see me tonight baby, I need you, I have had a really fucked up day. I just want you to hold me." Paul said in a pitiful tone. Michelle's heart went out to him. "Just tell me what time sweetie." She said. She needed to be with him too, she couldn't stand to hear him this way. When they got off of the phone Michelle walked over to Carrie and said, "I'm sorry, I don't think I could start dating anyone right now, I kind of, am already seeing someone. I just hadn't said anything." Michelle explained. "I'm sure he's a real nice guy, but you understand don't you?" She asked Carrie. "Sure I wish you would've said something. Maybe he ought to go out with us sometime, it would be nice, I would like to meet your man." Carrie said smiling. "He's not really into things like that." Michelle answered. "Oh, ok, that's fine." Was all that Carrie could manage as Michelle walked back to her desk. She couldn't do that to Paul especially after the way she knew he needed her. That was what it was, the need of hers to be needed. She knew this and she didn't care. Paul fed the desire too well.

    Margaret got home and found Paul in bed and Nate sitting at his computer desk. "I'm sorry Margaret, I just came over to see about him, and I didn't want to leave until you got home." Nate explained. "He's really bad." Margaret knew exactly what Nate meant. The depression was really bad. Nate gathered his coat and hat and walked out of the room. "Nate I could never thank you enough." She said. "I was just worried about him, I know he's grounded and all." Nate responded.

   Margaret sat on the edge of the bed and put her hand on her son's shoulder. "I'm not going to talk about it." Paul said. "I know, I wasn't going to ask you anything." She responded. "The school called and I just thought you were sick." She continued. "Yeah, sick of their shit! They'll have to answer someday." He said. Margaret couldn't think of anything else to say to her son, yet then she realized why he had come home. His lip was swollen from hitting the floor, but his face was buried in his pillow and she didn't notice.

    Margaret went back upstairs and was looking over the mail and hit the button on the answering machine. _"Hey Paul this is Greg and I was wondering if you would be available for an interview tomorrow, say 4:00? Give me a call at 365-4496, thanks."_ Margaret smiled. She thought having a job would be good for her son. Paul didn't eat dinner and he never left his room the rest of the evening. Nate called once but Paul told him he really didn't feel like talking. Michelle called around 7:00 and they made plans to meet around 10:00 after his parents were asleep. Margaret never mentioned any of the day's events to Bill.

    As Paul waited on Michelle he made one journal entry.

_You, you that make me feel this way; someday you will pay in blood. It will not be a laughing matter, but I will be laughing. Hysterically laughing. Your values are a disgrace. You're lives are already wasted. You just don't know it yet. I'm starting a list for everyone that has wronged me, and I'm gonna start collecting bullets with your names on them. I'm gonna practice until its go time. Nate, he'll make you pay too, he just isn't aware of the power yet. The incredible power of selecting lives with no meaning and ending them. In fact we're doing you a favor you motherfuckers. We're giving you back to the same God that made you, because you have flaws that need fixed, but you must be sacrificed first. Jocks will die, Christians will die, for they laugh too, you lovers of the internal perfect society which is blind to human suffering. Yeah, we are doing you a favor; I just hope someone finds out before it's too late, so I'll be famous. Paul, 9:34 pm September 22 1997_

This was the first of many entries of its kind.

 

   Michelle pulled up about two blocks from the Langley residence, like she had done a few times before, and waited patiently. It was about 10:15 and she could see the figure of a person coming up the street. She knew it was him. She took another cigarette out of her pack and lit it with the car's cigarette lighter. Paul came up and knocked on the window. She unlocked the door and he sat down beside her. She could see his bruised, swollen lip in the street light that was glowing through the car windshield. "What the fuck?" She asked him. "Michelle, babe, I really don't want to talk about it." Paul responded wearily. "Come here." He said to her. She laid her cigarette in the ashtray and leaned over towards him. She sat there holding him and smelling him, and taking him in. She felt like she just wanted to start driving and take him away from there, without ever looking back. He put his hands aside her face and kissed her softly. "I need you, not like that, but like this." She knew what he meant. She put her hands over his, and warmed them up. It started to rain lightly, and she let go to finish her cigarette. She took another out of her case and handed it to him, after lighting it off of hers. "Thanks I needed this too." He smiled. They sat right there in the car and talked for what must have been hours.

    In the Durham residenc, a few blocks from the Langley's, all that could be heard was the sound of a computer game coming from Nate's room. Beau was asleep as were Nate's parents. He enjoyed this time, to play his games in peace without Beau harassing him about playing. He was on level four of what he called the revenge game. He had just decapitated the leader of the Neutron World, and was battling his way towards the prison, where you were to free prisoners and have them help you kill all of the Neutron World's guards who hold them captive, so you could find some higher power. Nate usually played online with Paul, but Paul hadn't been on all night. Nate was a wiz at computers. He had once hacked into the schools computer system and got the combination to Dave Brach's locker and him and Paul put a roll of toilet paper in it with a note reading, " _To a real piece of shit, wipe yourself out!"_ Dave never did figure out who it was. Nate had created two of the worlds which existed in the revenge game. Paul had a love of computers also, but he enjoyed creating web sites which depicted murders he wished to commit on those who wronged him. He had just started this process with the web sites a few months prior. Other people, who shared his ideals on society's ills, were urged to post a message, and he would respond, and praise it if he agreed with it, and make fun of and degrade anyone that didn't see his point of view. Nate had thought about what Paul had been through that day. Nate knew the treatment all too well himself. He remembers that first year of high school when he and Paul didn't have lunch together. He remembered how it felt to sit all by himself. How humiliating it had been until he had made friends with Chris and Bruce who shared his lunch period. Kids would come by and grab chairs, "Hey the fag doesn't need this", and they would take off to place themselves at other tables. He felt all alone in the entire world, until him and Paul were together, ranting about the world and how "fucked up" they perceived it to be. He hadn't called Amanda as Chris had urged him to. He didn't know what to say to her if he did. He had passed her in the hall on the way out to wait for Paul and she smiled at him. He didn't smile but stared right at her. She looked down at the ground and kept on walking. Nate, for one moment, loved the power just that sinister stared brought him. He had shamed her, and in his mind after he was done shaming her for what she had done to him then he would see fit to give her the time of day.

    Nate shut down his computer and went over to lie down. He stretched out in bed and looked out through the open blinds in his room and could see on the opposite wall the shadows of the falling rain. He thought to himself, _"If Amanda were here right now, I'd fuck the shit out of her. I would fuck her so damn hard. I would take all my anger at everyone out on that girl._ Maybe Paul was right in his proverbial view of society and Christianity, and the school system itself, and how he took control of his demons and depression, and knew that it was time to show "them" that they couldn't go around treating others who were superior to them like "they" did. Maybe it was time to start a revolution of sorts. What Nate wasn't aware of is that in Paul's mind, as of today, the war had already been waged. Paul just couldn't take it any longer.

 

_Here I am in this place, this sarcastic unreal emotional journey that leaves little to the imagination. I spend my days surrounded by assholes, and my nights surrounded by those who love me but will never fully understand me. I know a good woman and one good man, and they are my friends, my allies. I stand against the way the world perceives me, and judges me. I stand against the way people go around judging all human existence. Where do they get the balls to tell someone you're not good enough, conscious enough, wealthy enough, and proud enough? Why not start to wipe out what took generations to create? It will never end unless someone takes a stand against it. Why did Hitler do what he did? He was tired of rich fucking Jews telling his people they were shit. Why has any war been fought, because basically someone said the other side wasn't good enough, "be like us", or we'll beat you into submission? America is wonderful at that. What an arrogant nation we are.   People are dying and all we care about is Sunday football. What a fucking way to die, caring for something so trivial. There are so many that will be sorry they have tried to conform me into what they want. I know I have problems; all the psychologists are just jealous and keep doping me up because they are afraid of my superior intelligence. You sad fuckers the countdown has started and you are not even aware of it. He He He! Love, Paul Saturday September 28 9:34 am_

   Paul closed his journal and began to get ready for work. He got to work a couple minutes after his shift was to begin at 10:00 a.m. Nate had come in an hour earlier. Paul had worked at Hill top for four days now, and enjoyed it. Greg worked out an arrangement with the two boys. If they would work Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday, he would give them Saturday, Monday and Tuesday off so neither of them would get behind on their school work. He knew that most Saturdays were important to teenagers, and he thought it would be convenient for both of the boys in case the other ever needed a ride, etc. It was a beautiful Sunday morning; the sun was shining like it hadn't in weeks. It was still completely wet wherever you looked; the rain hadn't stopped for days. Paul worked as cashier in the front, with Jessica, and made drinks and filled the salad bar. He enjoyed making his own money. He was busy thinking about not only the things he had to pay for but those things he wanted to pay for. He missed Michelle and he was still grounded until next Saturday. He was hoping his parents would let him out Saturday night for a little while. He had to see her. Michelle had been taking a lot of work home and she hadn't had time to come see him late at night. He had had what felt like a ton of rough nights since the incident with Nick. Margaret said she was calling the school after discovering his lip, but he pleaded with her not to and she respected her son's wishes. Nick had said nothing else to him, just one quick snicker the next day at school when he saw Paul's upper lip.

   Hill top was never very busy on Sundays and Nate had the radio turned up in the back. He was singing along and Paul started howling. Nate rolled up a small ball of dough and chucked it at Paul. They both started laughing. Shortly after eleven o'clock they turned on the open sign and started attending to customers. Greg came in later that day to tell Paul what a good job he was doing and how happy he was that he picked up on things so quickly. Paul appreciated the compliment. The day went pretty smooth, and they both got off around three thirty-five.

    Nate walked outside first lighting a cigarette outside of his car. "What the hell you doing the rest of the day?" Nate asked his friend. "Not really fucking anything, I'm still god damned grounded." Paul responded. "Well let's go driving for a little, you can tell your parents that you worked over." Nate explained. "I can do that.” Paul said. He reached in his car and changed shirts and walked back over to Nate's car and got in. "Guess what I got?" Paul asked him smiling as they pulled out of the parking lot. He slipped his hand into the inside pocket of his coat and pulled out what seemed to be a small tube. "Pipe bomb time!" Nate yelled laughing. "Not just any, I filled it with all the special stuff. My parents don't realize by grounding me they have made me into a chemist of sorts." Paul said snickering.

    They drove to a remote valley, and parked the car by the road. They walked down the hill and started collecting loose branches and dead leaves. The sky started to cloud up overhead. They had made a pretty good pile and proceeded to stick the small bomb in the middle of the pile. The nose of the bomb was sticking out and Nate went and stood up the hill from it and watched as Paul quickly lit the fuse. Paul ran to meet Nate and it detonated sending debris from the branches and the dirt below everywhere. "I bet if you put glass and shit in those things the shrapnel would be outstanding, it would hurt like a son of a bitch." Nate said laughing. Paul was proud of his homemade explosive. "I plan on start making more of them." Paul said. They started heading back up towards where Nate had parked.

   They got inside the partly beat up BMW and lit cigarettes. It started sprinkling and then started pouring. They cracked the windows to let the smoke out. They didn't say much to each other for a few minutes, just listened to the radio and smoked. "Did you ever call Amanda?" Paul asked. "No I have been in a real down time." Nate answered looking off into the distance. Paul knew what this meant. “I didn't even talk to Michelle last night. I think she's a little annoyed about the whole grounding thing.  Maybe she needs someone who can give her more time." Paul said as he took a puff of his cigarette. "Are you breaking up with her?" Nate asked him in a serious tone. "I feel like maybe I would be doing her a favor." Paul said in a depressing tone. "What the fuck are we here for Nate? What the fuck does it all mean?" Paul asked. Nate couldn't answer him for he had the same questions. "I need to take a piss." Nate stated. He got out of the car and walked back down the hill in the pouring rain and relieved himself. He took off his baseball cap for a minute or two and let the rain soak his hair and his face. It felt so unbelievably good for a moment, he couldn't believe it. He had the answer to it all then; an answer that made him feel free and one he had been struggling with for months. He walked back up the hill and got back in the car, where Paul was hunched down with his arms around himself. All of a sudden the whole scene felt surreal. The sky got darker and the rain started pouring heavier. Nate twirled his cap on his index finger and it dropped landing on the floorboard. "Fuck." Nate said. "Paul, I can't find any reasons to live anymore, seriously." Nate said without missing a beat. "I don't have any either, except you. I can't expect a woman to ever understand all of this. I have created this impossible fantasy as of lately. I take my own life, but not before I take a few of them with me.” Paul said matter of fact in monotone. Nate had a slight smile on his face as he leaned against the steering wheel. “When we go out into life, and college, it’s gonna be the same shit, why not just get it over with now?” Nate asked Paul. “Exactly.” Paul responded. “Do you remember when we were in middle school in the gifted program and they had the motto “Making the impossible possible?” Paul asked him. “Yeah”, Nate smiled. “Well let’s make the impossible possible.” Paul said smiling. “It’s just death it can’t possibly feel that bad.” Paul continued. “We’ll be famous, you know this.” The two looked at each other and took in what the other one had just said, and then they both looked away. “This fucking year has just begun and it’s already worse than the other ones. I mean do you think just because we graduate and go away they’re going to stop treating the ones who are like us like shit?” Paul questioned. Nate waited a few seconds. “No...They’re not; something definitely needs to be done about that. If I have to pay for it with my life, they will too.” Nate said being completely serious. The rain let up and without saying a word to one another, Nate drove back to Hill top to let Paul out to retrieve his car. Nate sat there for a minute with his engine running and watched his friend dig for his keys as the rain soaked him. Paul opened his car door and turned to salute Nate as he pulled away and Nate nodded towards him.

 

_Well, I think we have come to that point. Me and Nate have decided to make the impossible possible, there will be no stopping the slaughter, now. The rain beats down on my window and the anger and hatred beats at my heart. I talked to Michelle earlier. I know I will miss her. Sometimes I want to kill her, so I will know in my own mind that she is mine only.   I have thought about breaking up with her a million times in the last week since I have been fucking grounded. I haven't talked to her in almost two days. If me and her were madly in love would it stop me from wanting to go through with this? HELL NO!!! I think I might love her and all, in fact, I know I do, but it isn't enough. When you think, I mean really sit down and think about your death, everything seems so fucking trivial. Why is all this bullshit so important? Paying car insurance, getting laid, making sure you brush your teeth, etc. etc., bullshit, bullshit. All of it bullshit! I get ungrounded this coming Saturday I can't fucking wait, for me and Nate have a lot of planning to do. A lot of discussing to do. This is so fucking devastating, it's so unreal, it is the best answer, it is the only answer. In fact, I don't need to date these anymore, for I'm counting down my own death in my mind, I don't need it displayed before me. If Nate backs out on this, I swear, I'll kill him anyway. JUST KIDDING! Ha Ha Signing off, Paul_

Their conversation had beendevastatingly final. It was sad to say the least. Paul spent some days going by the bathroom mirror looking and re-looking at himself again, to find a conscience of sorts, but there was none. He could imagine his face being plastered all over newspapers and the news, magazines all over the world, if his plan went as followed. He wanted more than anything to set an example for those who would follow. He wanted to be a martyr of sorts to those who were like him and Nate. He wanted revenge, and that was the biggest most single reason. He didn't care to live anymore, and it wasn't just because his life was boring and full of one conquest after another within his own mind, it was just downright pathetic, and the way society viewed him and Nate as outcasts certainly didn't help. Nate and Paul were beyond reaching. They had moved on from caring about Prom, zit medication, dating, school work, rumors, and a zest for life. They were above all that trivial meaningless that came with living. They were to embark on what the afterlife was about, to answer all those age-old questions, with their hate fueling them along the way. They would take those with them that made their suffering intolerable. They had made a pact, both would know what the other was thinking, dreaming, and collaborate constantly. They would almost literally become one entity to rid the world of its ills, or the world around them. Then there was the fame they both craved. Paul's mental state was declining at an alarming rate as he stopped taking his medication. He didn't find the need for it anymore. He thought by maybe having a psychotic state of mind he could sail through it. Nate was severely depressed and laughed at how it went unnoticed, he marveled at what a wonderful actor he had become.

    A few months had come and went and the second semester of their junior year was about to start. Nate had celebrated his seventeenth birthday at home with his parents, Paul, and pizza.  They gave him money and a card with the usual sentiments.  Paul had spent the night and they stayed awake till dawn coming up and going over ideas for their uncertain future. They were still working the same shifts at Hill top, which was a good thing, for Paul's car had been giving him problems. Paul made his first insurance payment, and was hardly seeing Michelle. Nate had made many different decisions. He brought up his grade point average, and started being more active in school. He signed up to paint props for the Spring play the seniors were performing, and thought after months of not talking, he would try to make amends with Amanda. He thought it might be nice to have someone miss him after he was gone besides his parents. He would make her fall in love with him that was the plan. Paul really didn't care about having someone to miss him, and for some strange reason he wondered what Casey would do. Would he finally get closer to his parents? He laughed at this, that his death could maybe cure his family ills of sorts. He knew his mom would be devastated. Both boys didn't talk about their parents’ reaction to it all, for that was what they couldn't stand to imagine. Paul wondered how he was ever going to say goodbye, or would he? They had agreed for it to be their senior year after the Prom so Nate could hopefully take Amanda. Oh, the memories she would have. Paul agreed to this, out of consideration for his friend's feelings. They laughed at their own insanity. They even decided to give up the trench coats for more "reasonable" attire whilst at school. Their parents were thrilled at the change they were seeing. Paul, even without medication, decided to do his best to ignore the taunts of his fellow classmates and proceed with the performance of his life. He was actually quite surprised at how much better he felt without the medication, how better he slept and how more and more he was going inside himself for answers to all the questions that faced him. The coats and the hats and the personalities that made them Nate and Paul weren't entirely wiped out, but were put up on a shelf for now. They would be needed again, but not for months. Only in private would the two emerge. They wanted to prove to the world that being a decent citizen, made you who you were, and they would be completely shocked at what a decent, upright, forthcoming, student, and child was to be capable of...one of the most tragic events imaginable. For now they would enjoy their families and Christmas break, and help each other through the most gut wrenching last months of their lives.

    It was two days before Christmas Eve and Nate had been home all day by himself with Beau. He had agreed to keep him instead of letting him go to daycare. Janice thought this was the sweetest gesture, knowing how his little brother detested daycare. Nate was letting Beau eat cereal on the coffee table, which Beau thought was so cool. Nate had his own bowl and was eating his on the couch. Beau was watching cartoons and for the first time in a long time, Nate found them hilarious. He realized for a minute how he wouldn't get to watch Beau grow up, but he hoped he would leave him a lasting impression as a kind older brother who let him break their parent's rules when they weren't around, and not see him as others would, a murderer with no regard for his life or anyone else’s. He wanted him to think back on days like this, and smile.

    The phone rang and echoed through the Durham household, before Nate could manage to make it to the kitchen to answer it. "Hello?" Nate said hiding a yawn while standing in the kitchen in his boxers and sweatshirt. "Hey what are you doing dipshit?" Chris asked. "Not a whole lot, watching the tube with the little brother." Nate responded. "I have something you would be interested in." Chris said. "Yeah?" Nate was curious. "I just got my hands on the shotgun Paul had his eye on at the pawn shop. This thing would look really nice with the end sawed off just as Paul was imagining it that day." Nate was very interested in buying the gun for his best friend. Chris was, of course, oblivious to the reasoning. They had all went inside a pawn shop in Akron about a month ago and Paul had spotted the old Winchester and thought it was a perfect weapon to utilize in their planning. He only ended up purchasing a couple knives. Nate had finally turned seventeen, but neither boy would be eighteen in time to purchase and perform well with the weapon. "How the hell did you get you hands on that?" Nate wanted to know. "I told Bruce, who has the money, who said if he bought it, he wanted to know how you would pay him for it. I told him about you wanting to get if for Paul and all, and that you would definitely pay him for it." Chris said. "Hell, yes, how much?" Nate asked “Only wanted a hundred twenty and forty for his troubles." Chris answered. "Yeah, I get paid next Tuesday, I'll go to Hill top and pick up my paycheck and meet you guys somewhere, we'll talk more about it after we get this Christmas thing out of the way." Nate stated. "That's cool, he said if you didn't pay him he would keep it, or sell it to someone else." Chris said. "No, you tell him that I will definitely pay for the son of a bitch, don't do anything with it." Nate said sternly. "Sure, I'll tell him man." Chris responded. "Hey how is Amanda?" Nate asked coyly. "She's great, I guess, I haven't spoken to her much of lately, been working and trying my best to pass my fucking classes so my parents won't kill me and shit, but she's good. Call her!!" Chris said laughing loudly. Nate smiled and said goodbye to Chris and thought about how to begin to work his own personal plan with Amanda.

     It was a Wednesday and Hill top was closed for Christmas Eve and Christmas, so the boys wouldn't have to return to work until the following Sunday, they both were grateful for the time off from school and work.

    Twin oaks mall was bustling with people. It was almost hard to breathe in some stores. Everything was for sale, from jewelry, to furs, to candy and sunglasses. It smelled wonderful and Paul thought about how he always loved the way the mall smelled this time of year. He thought of how this would be his second to his last Christmas. He didn't think he would enjoy it much next year; it would be too much almost to bare. He was wondering how he was really going to deal with those issues. He figured he would handle it the best he could as they came along. Michelle came out of the bathroom wiping her hands on her jeans. "I hate those damn bathroom air dryers; they never get your hands dry enough." She finished as Paul stood there smiling at her. He took her hand and they walked towards the makeup counter inside the department store. Michelle picked up a bottle of cologne she had smelled a sample to in a magazine. "I love this stuff!" She said sniffing the top of the bottle. "What the hell is it called?" Paul asked. "Love me Do." She said reading the bottle. "I knew it sounded like a Beatle's song." She laughed. Paul took it from her hand and smelled it. "That's not bad, you want it?" Paul asked her. She looked at him in shock. "Paul it's fifty dollars." The sales woman came over to the two of them. "Can I help you sir?" She asked. Paul looked at Michelle. "No Paul it's too expensive." Michelle said seriously. "Yeah I want the big bottle of this." Paul said. The woman took a box from the bottom of the glass cabinet and started to ring it up. Paul laid the tester back in the little mirrored tray. "I can't believe you!" Michelle said feeling like she was going to cry. "Well, I, of course, don't get to see you until after Christmas so I knew I wanted to get you something and I wanted it to be something you wanted. I love you." He said putting his arm around her. "I love you too." Michelle said as she kissed him on the end of his nose. He was so happy when he was with her, and maybe a part of him wished that this alone could be the reason to stop the demonic plan that was already set in motion, but it wasn't. He had had his suspicions that Michelle had been seeing an older man, which had recently started working at the newspaper. She had said she wasn't attracted to him that way, but just enjoyed his insight and knowledge on a number of things in their line of work, and how he had made her realized she could work her way up at the newspaper and do rather quite well for herself. Paul didn't believe it, but he wasn't ready to let her go just yet. He and Nate had laughed a few nights earlier. “I would break it off with her, but our plan doesn't include, ceasing to get laid." The two drove to her apartment, where they locked themselves in her bedroom and made love all afternoon before Callie got home.

   Michelle had taken the week off to finish up her shopping, and just get a break before she had to start the family thing, which exhausted her, in the morning. Paul knew she needed her sleep for she was to get up at the crack of dawn and drive about two hundred miles to her parent's house. He left shortly after seven and told her he would miss her. He knew he would miss her. What would she do when she found out? Would she cry? Would she tell anyone, besides the ones who knew, that she had known him, not to mention that she had slept with him? He thought about these things when they were together. A part of Paul was changing due to the amount of chemical switches going off in his brain without the drugs that had become their power source. He was becoming more arrogant, especially at school, almost mean. If someone were to bump him in the hall, instead of ignore it, he would turn around and stare right through them, with the most evil of stares. They would shoot him curious and confused looks back. He stopped talking to his teachers, and in his mind became invincible to all that wronged him. He got on his web page and would write passages like the following:

 

                                               YOU WHO HATE ME....YOU WILL DIE!!!!

 

                                              YOU WHO HAVE NO RESPECT....MUST DIE!!!!

 

                                               THOSE WHO TRY TO STOP ME....WILL DIE!!!!

 

                                                   STUPID PEOPLE.........MUST DIE!!!!!

 

                                               YOU WHO FEEL I'M NOT THE LAW.....WILL DIE!!!!!

                        

                                 ALL GOD FEARING MOTHERFUCKERS......... MUST DIE!!!!

 

                                       ALL GODLY LITTLE WHORES..........WILL DIE!!!!

 

AND TO THOSE OF YOU WHO THINK YOUR LIFE WILL REMAIN THE SAME....SAY YOUR PRAYERS!!!!

 

                                     WE WILL GET YOU ALL...HAAAAAAAAAAAHAAAAAAAAAHAAAAAAA!!!

 

   He thoroughly enjoyed this side to his new found personality. He relished in the thought of how he would turn the lives of Dave Brach and Nick Kessler and those like them upside down. He wanted to plan something so significant, they would have flashbacks for the rest of their lives and know why and who to blame.

    Months had passed since Nate had spoken to Amanda. He was sitting in the cafeteria waiting for Chris and Paul, for they were staying on campus for lunch, and she walked in. She went straight to the vending machines, and retrieved a glass of apple juice and a package of Twinkies. "Hey only real women eat Twinkies." Nate said with a smile across his face. "Oh you mean you are still alive?" Amanda said sarcastically. "What the hell is that supposed to mean?" Nate returned. "Well, when someone doesn't speak to me for a whole four months and then all of a sudden decides I'm worthy of their presence, they become dead to me." Amanda said matter of fact. "Hey Amanda if it's any consolation, I've been doing a lot of thinking lately, and well, you know me, I'm not very "forward" with things I feel, and for that I just want to say I'm sorry. I hope you can accept my apology." Nate finished. Amanda stood there for a minute with her lips pinched, thinking of something to say. This was a boy that she had been very interested in, and who had picked a fight with her for reasons unknown and all of a sudden was sorry. "Whatever." She said rolling her eyes. "Give me a call; I'm going to go enjoy my Twinkies out in my car before my cigarette. Now get out of my way...and give me a call tonight, we'll "discuss" things." She said as she turned to exit towards the front of the school. Nate watched her walk away and was happy that he had found the nerve to go and talk to her, though on the outside, he was visibly shaking.

    He saw Chris and Paul coming down the hall talking and laughing about something Paul was saying. "What so damn funny?" Nate asked them with a pretend glare. "Your face!" Paul said jokingly. They followed Nate back into the cafeteria, each retrieving a sandwich from the vending machine with a pop and chips. They talked at lunch about what they had received for Christmas and what they had done for New Year's Eve, and Paul put his two cents in. "And then my good friends here, (he looked at both of them), got me my favorite toy of all, my beautiful gun." "Let's cut last period and go target shooting!" Chris said excitedly. "I need to get my hands on a saw and make that thing illegal." Paul said. "The more illegal the better." Nate shot a smile at Paul. They got up after they were finished devouring their lunches so they would have enough time to grab a smoke in Nate's car. When inside the car, Paul said he would definitely be interested in going after school to shoot off a few rounds from his new Winchester. Nate agreed nodding his head.

   They were off from work until Wednesday and really had nothing better to do for there wasn't much homework, starting a new semester, and Nate and Paul knew they needed the practice....and lots of it. They extinguished their cigarettes as they stepped from the vehicle and just then, Cameron Radnor drove by and screamed something at the threesome and hurled a plastic orange juice bottle at Paul. "What the fuck!?" Screamed Chris. It was merely inches from hitting Nate in the head. "That's one of Dave's butt buddies." Paul answered.   The list was growing.

   That night Paul hit his journal hard. He had made it through school that day, barely.

 

_School was ok today, except after lunch, Cameron Radnor threw a bottle at me, I know. It almost hit Nate but he didn't say anything, he didn't have to. It's like we can almost read each other’s minds anymore. I had a lot of fun after school though. We went to the rural shooting range with Chris, and we each took turns shooting up the shells with my Winchester that Chris had bought me. Nate paid him for the gun, but Chris threw in some shells as a Christmas present and also because a couple of times before I had a car, I loaned him gas money, and he remembered that. I don't remember that but it was pretty cool of him anyhow. I took Michelle to the mall right before Christmas and got her a bottle of perfume. She didn't get me anything except she wore this really sexy nightie thing and we had sex the whole afternoon before the day she was leaving for her parent's house. I thought that was pretty cool. I talked to her yesterday, but not for very long. I haven't seen her since that day. I think she's got someone else. I don't know. Before now I would have been severely pissed, but now I really don't care, it's like I'll enjoy her while I have her, while I still have this life.   Me and Nate sit around sometimes and don't talk, but we know we don't have to. We're still thinking about vantage points, points where we know their precious little angels are going to be, so our weapons can get the clearest shots. We hope to build as many as 100 pipe bombs. Nate found a manual at the library where some idiot made a bomb out of propane tanks, he likes this idea, could be cool, I will definitely research it more. Christmas was pretty cool. Me and Dad had a long talk about me going into the Marines and he thinks it would be the best thing for me. Oh dad, if you only knew. Sometimes I wish I could tell you. I'm saying "you", because when the police get done raiding my room and go through all of my things, they'll find this and you'll eventually get it back. I like the idea of the Marines and I am definitely going to find out about it. I wish I could find something that was more important than this, but if I don't do this, I wouldn't be doing what I was put on this Earth to do. I and Nate were meant to meet; it is all fate, all of it.   We live...and die by it. Paul_


	5. A Second Chance with AB

    "Is Amanda there?" Nate's stomach was turning. "Hello?" Amanda said. "Hey there." Was all that Nate could manage at that moment. "Oh it's you. I knew you'd call." Amanda stated. "How?" Nate asked. "Because I know you, remember?" Amanda snickered. Nate couldn't believe he was capable of such a deceitful plan. She would end up being devastated or would they already be broken up before Prom and then they would find such reasoning as to why Nate had done what he did merely because his girlfriend had broken up with him? All these thoughts were running through his jumbled mind. They started talking about all their new classes and going out to the shooting range after school, and joking about what a bad shot he was, and they broke the ice. "I know I should've given you some explanation as to why I didn't want to get serious with anyone. I'm a virgin and I don't want that to change until I'm eighteen." She was forward and that's exactly what Nate wanted. He apologized again for acting so immaturely and explained he had acted that way because he really liked her. He also stated that he had been having some family problems for a while. This wasn't true, but it sounded like a good excuse to him, and she accepted it. They made fun of a few other students at school and Nate told her about the bottle incident and then she told him how Dave Brach had come up from behind her once and grabbed her ass and called her "Juicy." This made Nate furious but she told him it had been about a year ago. "They will pay some day Amanda." Nate said seriously. "I know God will punish them all." She said laughing. Nate didn't laugh.

    Paul got to school early and was grabbing his duffel out of his car when Bruce came up to him. "Hey, don't go into the main hall, Dave and his buddies are waiting on you." Bruce said. "What the hell are you talking about?" Paul looked confused. "When I went to walk in they asked me if I knew when you were going to be here. Something about you were gonna pay for something you put in his locker?" Bruce said sort of questioning Paul. Paul stood there and rolled his eyes. "Jesus fucking Christ! That was like months ago...fucking assholes!" Paul remarked. "Well, I need to go; I have to get something to eat before first." Bruce said as he turned around to leave. Paul didn't know what to do. For three years he had put up with their cruel pranks, and gestures, and being ridiculed. Paul, Nate, and their friends quickly learned that you don't say anything, because nothing gets done about it. Paul even stopped telling his parents about it years before. He was in ninth grade when it started and his parents took it as just something you kind of had to deal with being a freshman in a new school. Nate never did tell anyone in his family. They both kept it mostly to themselves. Paul really wasn't concerned anymore, with judgment day approaching, but it was still the thought about it that made him furious. Furious at teachers who would turn a blind eye, and the parents who thought their kids were perfect and wouldn't do such things. And this was Paul's problem with Christians, because most of these kids went to church every Sunday and took communion and then came back to school Monday and used those who were different from them as personal punching bags and entertainment.

   Paul took a deep breath, and grabbed his duffel and proceeded towards the entrance of the school. He was angry and completely full of adrenaline by the time he opened the front door. He placed his hand on the cold handle and opened it. He stood there for a moment to survey the front hallway for anyone who resembled Dave Brach or his associates. It was if he were the predator locking in on anything that might be considered prey...he was tired of being the hunted. He started walking towards his locker when he heard Dave's voice from behind him. "There's the faggot!" He heard Dave's footsteps getting louder and he quickened his pace. He reached his locker and grabbed onto the lock to undo the combination. He felt like he was burning up. All he could think about was how Nate was storing his set paints for the senior play in his locker, for it was quicker to reach from his previous hour than going all the way around the building to his own, his locker contained three or four cans of spray paint. Paul grabbed onto the first can at the top of the brown paper sack. Just then he felt a hand grab the back of his shirt and caught a glimpse of Nick Kessler before he punched him right in the face. Paul could already feel the blood running down towards his mouth. He grabbed the can and just started spraying anything he could hit. The pain in his face was incredible. He didn't have his eyes open but he could hear Dave cussing and then a woman's voice sternly telling him to get up. "You two get ready for class, get out of here!" She grabbed Paul's hand and when he opened his eyes he saw Miss Tearny. "You get to the office!" Paul wanted to argue with her, he wanted to slap her and his mind was racing with things he wanted to do and say _. "You fucking worthless bitch they were the ones who were on me, I'm not going fucking anywhere!" "Fuck you!"_ Instead, he got up off the ground and gained his composure, holding his nose in his hands, and all the while with Miss Tearny behind him; he could hear snickers and people saying his name under their breath as he walked back towards the front hall to the principal's office.

   Nate was just entering the building when he glanced into the office and saw Paul sitting there all slumped over in a chair by Mr. Caldwell's door. His mind went into over drive. He just kept walking not knowing exactly what to do, and suddenly saw Dave with black, what looked to be paint, covering his Cubs t-shirt. He was cussing about "little son of a bitch" to his girlfriend as they walked down the hall. Had Paul had something to do with that? Nate smiled to himself thinking of that. Just then he saw Cameron turn from his locker and look right at him. He gave Nate the biggest "go to hell" glare anyone could and Nate just smiled at him, for then he was positive that Paul had something to do with the new decorations on Dave's attire. Nate and Paul had just been driving around that weekend laughing and arguing about which one of them the other got to kill. He knew now that Paul definitely was the winner, hands down, when it came to Dave. For a second this made him wonder just how sick and twisted both of them were, but what a grand feeling it was going to be to watch them stare down the barrel of that gun before he shot the brains out of their skulls. Nate began whistling a song he heard on the radio, and proceeded to first hour.

   Margaret Langley was furious. She hadn't been at work an hour when the phone rang and she was talking with a very upset principal Caldwell. She knew there was more to the story than what she was being told. Paul was in jeopardy of being suspended, and would have to swallow whatever costs of damage the paint had made to Dave's shirt. She grabbed her cup of coffee and whisked out of the office. She drove as fast as she could through morning traffic in Cincinnati to make it to the high school.

   She walked into the main offices and knocked on Caldwell's door. He opened it up, and there sat Paul holding a paper towel to his nose and mouth. "Oh my God! What happened?  What did you do?" Margaret gasped. "I didn't do anything to him mom, except defend myself." Paul announced muffled from behind the paper towel. "How can he possibly be the one in trouble here, when he's the one sitting here bleeding?" She asked of Caldwell. "Mrs. Langley, Paul perpetrates a lot of the friction between him and other classmates. He makes a point of being different, and dislikes anyone who doesn't see his point of view." Caldwell sternly answered. "Can't you see that being hit in the hallways of this school is an everyday occurrence? All of Paul's friends have been dealt the same hand, for what? Being themselves? Mr. Caldwell, you can't expect every child to be a football player or a homecoming queen. My son is a very bright individual who has a positive future ahead of him. Being punched, picked on, tripped, and publicly embarrassed are sure not going to be on any college or military service resumes as academic achievements." Margaret said trying to keep her voice down as best she could. "You will not suspend my son for any shirt he destroyed and you better hope his nose isn't broken or you will have one hell of a lawsuit on your hands. If Paul receives suspension, then the other boy must also. I won't be quiet about this if my requests are denied." Margaret finished. She looked down at her son. "Paul do you want go home?" She asked him. "No, mom I'll be ok." Paul answered.

   Mr. Caldwell taken aback by her threats excused both of them and Paul walked his mother out to her car. "Mom don't worry about me, ok?" Paul assured her. "You aren't my son, you are my baby boy, and you can't ask that of me. You sure you don't want me to take you in to the emergency room?"  "No, mom, I'm fine."  He answered quietly. She answered "Ok then." before she touched him on the hand and she drove off. Paul had study hall the next hour. He didn't do any of his homework; instead, he just looked out the window towards the city and thought about his mother. He thought of how this would be impossible for her to ever comprehend. She knew he had problems, he had always had them. Maybe she would be a little relieved for her fight for answers with him would be over. He thought of how she would hold him when he was little and how she made him potato soup when he had the flu and how she would stick up for him in fights with his father. He then thought of how she would feel to bury him. This was going to devastate her. What had to be done, had to be done, there just wasn't any turning back.

   Nate waited for him after lunch and Dave was down the hall calling him a mama's boy. "Let's just get the fuck out of here." Paul groaned. "Whatever, sure." Nate said reassuring him.

   It had already been snowing for weeks and the roads were slushy and muddy. Nate fishtailed getting out of the parking lot. "I don't think I want to go back to school today." Nate said. "I don't care what we do...I really don't want to go back either." Paul responded. "Where are we going?" Nate asked. "I don't know, anywhere you want is fine with me." Paul answered.

   They drove for miles out of town until they reached the lake. For a moment Paul had remembered being here with Michelle, though everything was closed for the season, and the lake was frozen in many places. Nate parked the car and took a fresh pack of cigarettes out of the glove compartment. "Thank fucking god, I forgot mine at home, and I sure as shit need one." Paul said eyeing the cigarettes. Nate grabbed his lighter out from the pocket in his jacket and handed it to Paul along with a cigarette. Nate opened his door and got out of the vehicle. Paul looked at him for a moment and got out of the vehicle also. It was colder around the lake than it had been in town. They sat there for a moment; both of them sitting on the hood of the car holding their coats around them, and then Nate broke the silence. "I'm gonna miss this fucking place!" Nate yelled and his voice carried across the lake. Nate started shaking his head and was holding back tears. "Why have they done this to us? Why have they made us want to leave? Paul, sometimes I don't want to leave!" Nate said as his sobs grew louder. Paul wanted to look anywhere but his friend. "Sometimes I don't want to either." Paul could barely muster. Nate got off of the car and walked towards the lake and looked out into the grey wide open and remembered when he was little and his parents would bring him there to swim and fish, though he never caught anything big. He looked up to the sky, and could have sworn he could see the cold. It had been days since the sun had shone and the air hit him hard with no warmth around. Paul sat motionless on the hood of the car, almost afraid to move. "How can I do this to them?" Nate said bending over as if it would make him scream louder. "Paul fucking help me you bastard!" With that Nate fell to the ground and sat with his legs crossed with just the tail of the trench coat underneath him to shelter him from the cold snowy ground. Paul looked at his friend, his soul mate, his companion, sitting there with his arms around himself crying, with his cigarette still lit in one hand. This made Paul furious. He then realized all of the pain that Nate kept hidden. It was coming out. Paul walked over to him. His nose had turned bright red from crying and the cold and Nate took his hand from his side and wiped it. His eyes were bloodshot as he turned to look Paul straight in the face as he knelt beside him. Paul started to stand back up not exactly knowing what to say to him. Nate grabbed his forearm before he got the chance. "I want to kill them; I want to kill all of them for this." Nate said in a sinister tone almost under his breath with his teeth clenched tightly together. Paul then knew in that moment, that they had created him, those who wouldn't leave him alone, those who taunted and ignored and whispered all those lies and deceptions. Paul thought for a moment, _"I was born this way, they have made him this way, pushed him, left him out there."_  Paul turned to walk towards the car and sat there giving his friend the time that he needed to grieve and it felt like hours. Paul knew then there was no way anything could be answered. There was no mixing logic into this. Their minds were already numb to every other possibility in fact it had basically been robbed from them.

   Nate finally got back in the car and started to apologize to Paul. Paul put his hand up to silence his friend. "You can apologize for it being so motherfucking cold though." Paul said. Nate started laughing, and Paul reached down to light another cigarette. "If we go to hell, I'm going with you." Nate said smiling. "Ha Ha Ha! We're fucking insane!" Paul said in a fake insane asylum style laugh. Both boys started laughing. "Take my fucking ass to Cincinnati, I want to see Michelle, I'll give you gas money." Paul requested. Nate agreed and they drove off towards the freeway.

    It was nearly 2:15 when they reached the Cincinnati Herald. "We can't just go right in." Paul said with a serious tone. "There's a set of payphones over there at the other end of the parking garage." Nate said looking around. Paul grabbed fifty cents out of Nate's change holder under his gear shifter. He got out of the car and walked over to the first payphone in the line. He put the change in and proceeded to dial. Nate sat patiently in the car watching his friend as he got a hold of Michelle. Paul hung up the phone and Nate lit a cigarette as he watched him cross the parking garage. "She said she'll be down in fifteen." Paul said out of breath.

   They waited for a few minutes before Michelle appeared. She came to the driver's side of the car. Nate rolled his window down. "Hey Nate do you mind if I take Paul over to where my car is parked, I need to borrow him." Michelle said jokingly. "Sure!" Nate sarcastically responded. Paul snickered “asshole", and got out of the car. They walked over to Michelle's little red car and got in. "Paul we really need to talk." Michelle said grabbing his hand. He could smell the perfume on her that he had bought her for Christmas. "How many bad soap operas am I gonna be stuck in today?" Paul yelled. "What?" Michelle sounded confused. "Nothing." Paul said laughing. "No I really want to talk to you. Listen I don't have long here. I'll call you tonight, and maybe we can work out a time we can go out or something." Michelle continued. "Ok, yeah." Paul muttered. "Are you ok?" She added. "I'm just fucking fabulous!" Paul said laughing. Michelle was suddenly worried about him, she had never seen him act this way not even when he had been drinking. "I have to go back in, Paul." Michelle said coolly. "Bye baby." He said before he leaned over and kissed her on the cheek and exited the vehicle. She got out of the car and waited on him. He came to her side of the car and grabbed her hand. "Seriously, whatever you want to do, ok?" Paul said smiling at her. She felt a great uneasiness come over her as she stood there looking at him. "I work until Saturday." He finished. "I know." she answered. "Call me!" He said walking backwards with that peculiar grin on his face.

    Michelle felt as though she was almost scared of him. She was dumbfounded by his actions and taken aback by his coolness towards her. She got back into her office and sat at her desk with her head in her hands. Ray came over to her. "Sweetheart, yah all right there?" He placed his hand on her shoulder and she looked around to make sure no one was watching and kissed his fingers.

   "You gonna tell me what that was all about?" Nate asked of his friend as they proceeded to get back upon the highway. "Bitch is breaking up with me." Paul said staring out the window with his arms crossed. "You fucking serious?" Nate asked. "Serious as our plan." Paul answered. Nate didn't have anything left to say. They drove back towards the suburbs without saying a word to one another until they reached Westvale. "I'm fucking starving!" Nate announced. Paul retrieved his vehicle then followed him to Hill top pizza where they could eat for free and spent a couple hours that evening chatting with Rebecca and Steve, a couple of co-workers. Paul didn't have much to say and wasn't that hungry but it was better than going home or back to school for ten minutes of their last class. He would get home and have to think of some falsehood of his day, why he wasn't at school. He really didn't care. All they would do is ground him. He didn't care about seeing Michelle because he already knew what she was going to say and he didn't want to hear it. He didn't give a care about much anymore, and plus being grounded gave him more time to finalize their plan.

   They had talked recently how they would have the whole summer to really get things in gear. They were going learn to be better marksmen and build a bigger, better pipe bomb, and work on the propane explosives that Nate so dearly wanted to get his hands on. Summer would be a grand time. They also talked of doing test missions and start giving the ones that were on their "list" a warning of what was to come, though they figured no one would pick up on it. There personalities were also going under renovation. Paul didn't want to be nice anymore; he was going to start making other individuals feel as uncomfortable as they could possibly be. He hated almost everything, except for a few things, anyhow. There was no reason anymore to look for joy in anything, gratitude in anything, meaning in anything. Life was ending for him, he hadn't truly come to the conclusion of where he was going when he left but he definitely knew that he was going to be remembered, and that was enough for him.

   Nate stepped foot in the Durham residence at about five o'clock. He noticed his mom and Beau had come home early and Beau met him at the door. Beau motioned for him to stoop down as he hung his coat up. "I think you are in trouble." Beau said as seriously as a seven year old could. "Mama was real mad, she wouldn't even talk to me and I asked her what was wrong and she said your name." Beau finished. Nate couldn't help smile at his innocence. "Nathaniel, I'm glad you're home, let's go in your room." Janice said as she entered the living room from the kitchen. Nate followed her to his bedroom and she took a seat on the edge of his bed. He readied himself for her discipline speech which was sometimes comforting and scary all at the same time. He thought she must know about him skipping, or maybe Lowe turned in his essay on hitmen and called her, telling her it was too disturbing. He sat down next to her and prepared himself for anything. "Nathaniel." she said disgusted as she looked towards his pile of dirty clothes on the floor by his dresser. "I'll get them mom." He said assuring her. "I don't know where to start son." She said looking out his window. "Me and your dad are separating. Oh god that was a lot easier than I pictured it being." She said with a sigh of relief. He didn't feel like crying, he just sat there trying to figure out how to feel. He stared at the laundry she constantly nagged at him about and then he stared at her. She was still pretty and had her figure, she looked better than most moms, she was beginning to get more wrinkles around her mouth and eyes and her hair was turning grey on the crown of her head. He remembered her when he was younger, he remembered once he told her that he was going to marry her and take care of her if something ever happened to his father. She laughed and told him that would be impossible. Yet now his dad was leaving and in a little over a year he would be gone and there would be no one to take care of her. He looked at the tears swelling up in her eyes and thought then that some other man would be stupid not to want to take care of her. "It will be ok I guess, it's not like he's here much anyway." Nate replied. He couldn't help but wonder if there was another woman, in fact he didn't want to know. He really didn't care. His father hadn't been a major part of his life in over five years. He then though back to the time his dad took him and Paul to the lake to ski and Paul never could get his balance and they laughed at him the rest of the afternoon.

   "Why don't you drive to Hill top and get us a pizza, take my car, take Beau with you, he'd like that." He guessed she didn't have anything to add to the conversation so she changed the subject entirely and sent him on a mission for food. He couldn't tell her he had just had pizza, especially at Hill top, for then he'd be caught. He would tell this story to his co-workers tomorrow and they would laugh, heck, he was laughing now. It really didn't bother him his father was leaving. He did wonder how his mom would get through his death alone, with Beau. He knew it would be hard on her, but a part of him couldn't wait to leave, especially now. In another house on another street:

  

_Here we are ladies and gentleman as in what I would like to refer as my new death and rant log. I came home today from skipping two classes and my mom said she knew what kind of day I had had and didn't even tell the old man. Ha Ha Ha, I'm more fucking clever than most people give me credit for. You worthless, shit eating, maggotfied, dogshit eating, lazy, motherfuckas, you won't know what happened until it hits you, right between the motherfucking eyes. Did Michelle call me tonight, well hell no she's off jacking old wrinkly dick off. I fucked her before I realized she's a little loose lipped whore like all the rest, CAN WE SAY CUNT? Love it, Love it! I crack me up! When I die do you think she's gonna mourn my ass, well she better get used to mourning, for she's gonna be fucking that old fucker and he's gonna die of a heart attack right on top of her! He He He! Then she'll remember this young stud she wasted like I was a piece of fucking trash. Kill em' all! Bury them in a fucking hole so deep the depths of the earth will be burning em" new assholes! Take me seriously folks; your day is a coming! Paul_

Nate finished his dinner and went back to his room. His mother hadn't spoken a word since she had talked to him earlier. He felt it was better to probably leave her alone. He sat down at his desk and stared at his computer table and turned on one of his favorite games but he quickly lost interest. He took off his shirt and laid on his bed, and proceeded to finish his homework for first period. He could hear the phone ring in the kitchen and Beau opened his door and handed it to him. "Yeah?" He answered expecting it to either be Paul or Chris. "Well I'm sure fucking happy to talk to you too." He smiled when he heard Amanda on the other end. For a while he let her ramble on about some "bitch" at school that was saying "shit" about her, and then the fight her and her step dad had gotten into about her borrowing his car, and then how her mom read her journal and she was really upset, and about the homework she finished and found out she had done the wrong page. He loved listening to her. Sometimes he wondered why she wanted to continue living. He thought about how meaningless everything she was telling him about actually was. None of the things she had mentioned in the last twenty minutes or so had any meaning in the grand scheme of things, and after a long one-sided conversation of him saying, "uh huh", "oh I know", "yeah me too", he finally laid it out there for her straight as an arrow. "My dad is leaving my mother, probably for another woman, and I need to ask you out for this Saturday." It was straightforward, it was his day, and it wasn't full of diversions of what was really going on. "Oh my god Nate...I'm so fucking sorry...I didn't mean to...” She started. "Don't give a worry to it." Nate replied. "He's hardly ever here, and anyway when he is he doesn't pay me or Beau a rat's ass." Nate finished. "Well I would be interested in going out Saturday." She answered. He laughed. "You're probably just going out with me because you feel sorry for me." He said laughing. "Nate, I don't feel sorry for you, hell my dad's not even my dad, that fucker took off when I was like three, I've never even cared to see a picture of him." She swallowed hard as she said that, for she knew she was lying. "Let's go do whatever you want to do." He told her. "I like to do a lot of things." She giggled. "Do you just want to go out and have sex with me then?" Nate replied coyly. "Nate Durham you're an asshole!" She screamed. "I've been hearing that a lot lately." He smiled “No I'm not gonna screw you!" She said laughing. "Hey it was worth a try, right?" He playfully questioned her. "No, seriously I'll take you out and we'll have a decent time, so it will make me want to have more decent times with you, ok?" He said sweetly. "Ok, Nate." She answered softly. She really liked this boy. He was so dark and to himself, yet so sweet and intelligent, not a real smart ass know-it-all like Chris. For a second she thought about how it was to kiss him and be near him, and she wanted that again suddenly, that beautiful subtle sweetness, which only Nathaniel Durham possessed.

    School for Wednesday was pretty uneventful, Paul thought he would have retaliation of some sort, but with luck nothing happened. That morning he waited in his car for Nate and smoked a cigarette. Nate drove up and parked next to him. He watched as Nate took off his sunglasses for a moment and checked himself out in the mirror straightening out his hair. He put his ball cap back on and his sunglasses and reached in his back seat for his backpack. He locked his door and got out.

   He went straight over to Paul's car and got in the passenger seat. He lit his own cigarette from his backpack and started telling Paul about his evening before. "That's pretty insane." Paul answered. "Yeah, but I think it's been coming for some time now." Nate said confidently. "Aren't you even a little upset?" Paul asked smiling. "Why should I be?" Nate said shrugging. Paul just smiled and took a drag of his cigarette. "I can't wait; I sit here and fantasize about it. I fantasize about walking through those doors and just start fucking shooting. I can see the blood in my dreams.  It almost seems like a movie."  Paul said seriously. "I don't care about how many, I just want Nick Kessler." Nate retorted. "You can have the worthless fuck; just let me piss on his brains for a second or two." Paul continued. Both boys laughed at their craziness. It was becoming their reality more and more each day. This was the first phase of the planning, just letting it all sink in, placing their hands around the actuality of it. Not looking at it as if they were everyday murderers but rather revolutionists with an answer to a very large problem. They were dwelling in their own world now. This only made sense to them. With each passing day their plan became more commonplace. "I talked to Bruce last night." Paul said. "He said he knows a guy that knows a guy that can get his hands on an AR15 and SKS assault rifles and shit like that. "You're shitting me." Nate gasped. "No fucking really." Paul continued. The SKS is like five hundred bucks." Paul explained. "Where in the hell are we gonna get our hands on that kind of money?" Nate questioned. "We'll save it up." Paul said. "I'll even tell my parents I just want some money for Christmas, not gifts but money, yah know for next year." Paul continued. "Yeah, but won't we need the guns before then?" Nate asked. "Well, we're not doing it until spring, so that still gives us time to practice and you know Chris would shit his pants to come along." Both boys laughed at Paul's comments. "We could save up a lot also before then." Nate added. "That's right, now you're talking my amigo." Paul said giving him the high five gesture. "I talked to Amanda last night." Nate said looking off in the distance. "What yah think?" Paul asked exhaling his cigarette. "I think she's gonna give it up and she doesn't even know it yet." Nate said jokingly. "Get you some; get you as much as you want before you die!" Paul started laughing and got out of the car. "Michelle?" Nate looked over at him. Paul didn't look his way. "I'm seeing her Saturday afternoon, she is gonna be too busy fucking her "old man” that night I'm sure."

   They continued walking in the building as every other student had before them with worries about tests, and fights with boyfriends and parents, and whether or not they were having a bad hair day, or if they remembered to let the dog out. Yet Nate and Paul were walking in wondering where would be the best place for the first stage of a massacre.

   They went to school and work the rest of the week like nothing eventful was in the works. They kept their scheme well confided with everyone around them especially their parents. They felt no remorse in living life to the fullest up until judgment day, as they now were referring to it.

   Saturday morning at the Langley residence meant a day where breakfast was more than just toast or cereal. Margaret was in the kitchen scrambling eggs, Paul and his dad were in the living room, Bill with his newspaper and Paul with the cartoons on television. "Paul why don't you tell your dad about the fantastic grade you got on your trig test?" Margaret said trying to start up a conversation between the two. "I got an eighty five percent." Paul said without looking away from the TV. "Great, maybe you can do as well in physiology." Bill answered without looking away from his newspaper. Paul and his father really didn't have much in common of lately.   "Thinking about when you want to sign up for the Marines?" Bill asked him. "I don't know I've been pretty busy with stuff." Paul answered. "Well, you better start thinking about when you want to visit with a recruiter, I'd be glad to take you when you're ready." Bill suggested. "Yeah, I guess." Paul answered. Bill wasn't exactly happy with his son's lack of enthusiasm.  "What are your plans for today, your day off?" Bill asked him. "I don't know, I'm supposed to be going to the mall with Nate." Paul answered him. He couldn't tell them he was going to see Michelle, for they had expected him to obey them when they told him they didn't want him seeing her anymore. Paul reached over and grabbed the remote and turned the television off. "Breakfast is done." Margaret called from the dining room. Having meals together in the Langley family was a priority, and Margaret called them to the dining room. Paul thought to himself, _"Here we are the happy family sharing a meal together, and I still want to kill myself."_

    It had been months since he had taken a pill, but his mother kept going to get his prescriptions filled. He kept the full bottles of anti-anxieties hidden in his room. "Paul I think you need to go in to speak with Dr. Largent. You seem to be depressed more than usual lately." Margaret advised of his psychologist. "Maybe, I've just been really tired." Paul answered. "I think I'm going make you an appointment for next Tuesday, that way it's on an afternoon you don't have to be at work." She continued. "Whatever." Paul said. Margaret and Bill exchanged knowing looks. “Howard is leaving Janice." Margaret said lowering her voice. Bill looked up from the shock of what he was hearing. "Has Nate said anything?" They both looked at Paul. "He really doesn't care; he said it's needed to happen for a long time." Paul answered chewing his food while trying not to open his mouth. Margaret looked at her son confused for a second. "Isn't he upset at all?" Margaret asked. "No mom, he's really not." Paul said trying to silence her questioning. "I feel for Janice. She called me the other night when you boys were at work, and Beau was at cub scouts, for he is too young to get a hold of this yet. She started crying and I told her if there was anything that we could do, just let us know." Margaret said to Bill. "I really hate to hear that." Bill commented. "You need to be there for your friend, Paul." Margaret said. "Yeah mom, I am, the best I can be but the guy could really care less. You talk to Janice, you be there for her, you all need each other, and will need each other." Paul said not completely believing the words had come from his mouth. Margaret looked at him dumbfounded. "What was that Paul?" Bill asked. "Well, we're gonna grow up, you're getting older, that's all I meant." Paul said trying to make sense of his previous statement. He suddenly felt a great weight on him that made it hard to breath in that room. "I need to go get ready for the mall." And with that he got up, leaving his parents puzzled. They both shrugged it off and continued their breakfast.

   After Paul had left the dining room, Margaret leaned over to Bill. "I'm glad that will never be us." She said smiling. "I know what you mean." Bill answered, not looking at her. "Did you know Howard had another woman?" Margaret asked Bill. "Hell, no I didn't know." Bill said with a serious look on his face. "She's afraid Nate has picked up on it but she's not quite sure. Supposedly she broke down and told me he has been fooling around on her for years and she's kept it all hidden for the boys." What Margaret didn't know is that Paul was listening right around the corner to see if they made any comments about what he had said. _"So Nate was right."_ Paul thought to himself as he walked down to his room. He hated Howard for a moment for doing that to his best friend. Then he thought, _"Boy won't that son of a bitch feel like shit when his kid blows his brains out."_

   At around twelve forty-five, Paul had finished getting ready for his trip to the city to meet Michelle. He was sort of nervous, and sort of sad. He wondered what she would tell him. He wandered how he would respond. He finished getting ready and went out to his car. It had snowed overnight so he took a few minutes to wipe the snow away with his bare hands. He got inside and the let the defroster do the rest. His ears and his hands were stinging. He lit a cigarette, and sat there and finished it while his car continued to warm. Slowly but surely he started out of the drive and began his long drive to the city to meet Michelle at the same little Italian restaurant where they had shared the most memorable of nights. He felt as though he was sinking inside when he reached the restaurant and found a parking spot two spaces down from her escort. He walked by her car recalling the many kisses and conversations that had taken place inside of it.

   He opened the door to the restaurant and she was sitting in the lobby as she said she would be waiting for him. He felt like he was shaking. He knew this would be it. This would be one of those moments that made his plan truly seem desirable, just as it was when he was at Westvale and took his daily taunting and beatings. She got up and walked towards him smiling. She came and stood beside him and grabbed his hand. "I'm so glad you made it." Michelle said sweetly. _"How cliché'",_ he thought to himself. "I don't feel much like talking, so I'll leave that up to you." Paul responded. Michelle was nervous now after his sudden personality change, in fact she was unsure as to what expect from moment to moment with him now.

   They were seated and the waiter came over to take their order. "I'm not hungry; I'll just have a coke." Paul said. "I'll just have a salad and some garlic bread." Michelle requested. They sat there for what seemed like forever until Michelle realized he really wasn't going to speak. "Ok Paul, you are not making this easy. There are so many things I need to tell you, to try and make you understand how difficult this is for me." Michelle began. "Is it supposed to be fucking easy?" He answered with that crazed smile. "You want to make me all kind of promises and then take them and smash them right in front of me!" He said with his teeth clenched, clapping his hands together. His actions startled her. "Paul you are so young there will be many other women in your life." She tried to explain as she swallowed hard. "Ha!, Now you sound like my fucking old man." He sarcastically laughed.   A part of her wanted to jump up and leave. She was truly becoming afraid of him now. The waiter brought over his coke and her salad yet she had no appetite left. "What do you want me to say Michelle?" Paul asked her. "I want to leave." Michelle said with tears welling up in her eyes. "Fine with me." Paul retorted. He got up and left with her still sitting there. She scrambled to her feet embarrassed in the same place which had brought her so much joy. She felt as though she was chasing after him. She stopped at the desk where the hostess was seated and handed her a twenty. "I know this is more than enough...we were seated right over there." Michelle said pointing out their table. The hostess took her money wondering what had just transpired between the two of them. Michelle reached him outside where his car was parked. "Paul don't leave!" She screamed across the parking lot. "You...you bitch! How dare you bring me down here and try to embarrass me in front of people. I don't fucking need that you whore!" He said as he literally spit the words out. Michelle had rarely seen someone so angry. "What the hell did you think I was going to say to you?" Michelle was trying to reason with him. "You think I'm a dumb motherfucker? Is that it? You don't even know that half of it!" Paul said starting to control the tears. "I thought we could at least be friends." Michelle said with her hand over her mouth. "So I was right...you were breaking up with me. You were breaking up with me." Paul repeated smiling through his tears. Michelle grabbed at him and held him tight to her. He forcefully pushed her away. "Get away from me!" He screamed. He walked a couple of yards to where he was parked and turned, staring at her there, as she stood sobbing. He found his composure for a brief moment. "Bye Michelle." Was all he said before he got into his car and headed for the freeway with the music blaring and a cigarette in his right hand. He knew it was the first of many last goodbyes.

   Back in the suburbs later that evening, two teenagers were enjoying an empty house all to themselves. Janice had gone to Nate's grandmother's for the weekend taking Beau with her to have some time away and make plans and decisions for the uncertain future that laid ahead of her. Nate enjoyed having the house to himself. Amanda sat on his bed munching on the popcorn he had made for her. She stared at his walls and surveyed his cd collection and stared at him as he punched away at the game on the computer. "What time does the movie come on?" Nate asked her. "I think it comes on at around eleven." Amanda answered. Neither one had the money to go out so they had picked a movie on cable to watch instead. They sat around Nate's bedroom lightly chatting and playing with his computer wasting time until it started. "You've asked me that like a hundred times." Amanda giggled. Nate was a little uneasy having her in his room, though he didn't let on. He was nervous for he had never had a girl come into his private domain. He had never let a girl get to know him as well as this one was. "I'm getting tired though, I don't know if I can make it until eleven." Amanda said yawning. "Did you know my parents think I'm out with Brooke?" She laughed. "Really, why didn't you tell them?" Nate asked coming over from his computer to join her on the bed. "They think I'm too young to date." She said seriously. He grabbed a handful of popcorn and rolled over flat on his back and dropped the pieces in his mouth from the air. "You're going to choke!" Amanda screamed. "Nah, you'd save me." He said laughing.   "So you lied to your parents just to see me?" Nate asked her shyly smiling. No girl had ever lied to be able to see him; in fact he had really never seen any girl at all. "You're worth it." She said feeling her face flush. He was in one of his playful moods but still he felt like testing her. "I want to tell you something but you can't tell anyone else." Nate said drawing nearer to her. "What?" She said peculiarly. "Me and Paul have this plan. We are going to go into Westvale one of these days and get our revenge." Nate said trying to be as serious as he could be. "What kind of shit prank does Paul have cooked up?" Amanda said laughing. "No we're going to murder them, fucking shoot them, one by one. Nick, Dave, Cameron, Jason...bang, bang, bang, and then we'll leave just two bullets for ourselves so we can exit this shithole we know as life." Nate stated staring at her. "We will be known all over the world." There's been other, so called, "school shootings", but this is gonna be meticulously planned. There will be brains all over that place when we're finished. For years they will try to put the pieces together. They'll blame our friends, too, hell Amanda they'll even blame you." Nate smiled and sat back waiting for her reaction. "What the fuck is wrong with you Nate?" She asked him seriously. "I'm just fucking with you!" Nate said as he began to laugh. He had been so serious with a look in his eye so similar to the one he had given her in the hall the day after their big falling out, that she wasn't laughing. "So Amanda what do you want to do with your life?" Nate asked changing the subject. She didn’t quite know how to answer him at first after his sick display of humor. "I don't know, I know I want to find a job that makes me happy. Both of my parents work jobs just for the money and they are miserable." She answered gaining her composure from being shocked. "I'd like to get married...and have like twenty kids!" She said rolling over on her back. "No I'm kidding about the twenty kids, two will do. I don't want my ass to get all out of shape." She said giggling. "You don't have to worry about that." He said softly. He leaned over her, kissing her, first subtly, then began to kiss her deep like he had imagined so many times before. Amanda had been the subject of so many of his fantasies when he was by himself. He had imagined making love to her so many times, he felt like he had rehearsed it. Amanda suddenly turned to look at the clock on his computer desk. "It's almost eleven Nate; we better go pop some more popcorn." She said springing off of the bed. Amanda wasn't ready yet and she wanted to make that clear. Nate laid there for a moment as left the room for the den, and thought about how he would be a gentleman, but only for so long. He had what felt like a ball inside of him that was wrapped so tight, he couldn't take it. Yet, when he fed into this ball, he felt like he wanted to hurt something, take control over something. He knew the ball would consume him; it would have to for him to carry out the massacre that lay ahead. He got off of the bed and joined her in the den. Amanda lay in his arms letting him feed her popcorn as they watched the movie. Just as she had predicted she fell asleep. He didn't try to wake her, he let her lay there, as he turned off the television and covered them with the throw from the couch and slept there all night beside her. _"This was worth waiting seventeen years for."_ He thought as he drifted off to sleep, not caring of the punishment that was in store for Amanda for her to have never come home that night.

_Oh my god. One down so many to go. I will never see Michelle again. I knew it would come, I knew it was coming. I guess I just didn't think it would be this soon. Something in me can't get over the fact that in a few months I'm not gonna be here anymore. That's the side of me that is still a child. The other side of me is the logical adult, ready to take on mine enemies armed through the teeth. Ready to take back all that has been bestowed upon me. Where will their spirits go? I think I will probably go to hell, but truth is, it won't be much different than here. I have been in hell. My head never ceasing to shut up, except for when I'm drunk and that's not enough. I piss, I sweat, I cry, I bleed, I shit, I hurt, I jack off cum, I hate, I live, I take air into my lungs. All of this will cease. It will come to a close. I will make an end to a bleak existence with a dead end future. Oh mom and dad you would be proud of me to know I have chosen this as to not let you down when I'm older. To be the son that failed you, but hell I have already done that now haven't I? I, the nutcase, the mentally challenged child, who has such an IQ but not the stability to use it for his advantage. I don't want people pitying you because of me. In fact, they will hate you because of me, they will blame you because of me, and for that I am sorry. You guys did your best; you really fucking tried so hard. Michelle didn't try hard enough. I could've gone in a hailstorm of bullets with her arriving in time to die in her arms and stain her new dress. What a fantasy life this one leads. Paul_

   Paul lay on his bed nearly until dawn wondering why life had dealt him the hand it had. His chest hurt inside for a number of reasons. He could hear the street light buzzing out by the curb. He went to his computer and tried to see if maybe Nate was online but he wasn't. He felt he should say something to Michelle, something to explain his actions, try to tell her he was sorry. He wasn't interested in working things out with her, for tagging someone along in the plans that lay ahead, didn't seem to make any sense. He knew now that he and her were over it was time for him to get serious about the inevitable. He was ecstatic that Nate wanted it so badly also. They had been through hell together, fought against their peers together and dreamed together, it was only fitting that they should die together. Paul thought for a moment how desolate it would have been if Nate were to commit suicide and leave him here all alone. Who would he have? Chris? _"Yeah right!"_ He thought.   Paul thought long and hard and decided to send an e-mail to Michelle's computer at work:

_Michelle, I first want to apologize for the way I acted and made you feel earlier tonight. I was truly an ass. I hope you will miss me as I will miss you, as I will miss a lot of things. Thank you for giving me the time you did, for this has been something I have always wanted to experience, someone to love me and listen to me as you did. I understand you must move on and I hope you are happy wherever life takes you. Don't worry about writing me Michelle; I am very mentally unstable as for the moment. I have a lot of problems and hearing from you and dealing with those feelings will only make it worse. I'm sorry for scaring you, for you are the last person I wanted to have feared me. Remember me, please? Never forget about us. No matter what you hear about me, don't take it for truth. I did love you; I just wanted you to know that. Cheers, Paul_

He ended it and cried himself quietly to sleep.

 

   That Monday before school Nate waited for Amanda outside her house to give her a lift to school. She came out of the house with a smug on her face. They had only spoken briefly on the phone the night before after Nate had gotten off of work, and she was grounded except for receiving rides to and from school. She was a little upset with Nate for not waking her up. He had pretended like it was an accident, but she knew better, even though she didn't let him know that. Brooke had lied for her saying that she was at her house. Amanda did however think it sweet of Nate to want to sleep next to her. She opened the door and got in. "I need a cigarette. My mom is still not speaking to me." Amanda stated. "I'm really sorry...shit." Nate said. "Don't worry about it." Amanda said lighting the cigarette. She looked especially good to him at that moment. She had on baggy jeans, those silver hoop earrings that he loved, a plaid shirt with a white t-shirt underneath and her boots tied tight around the ankles over her jeans. She always chewed gum and smoked a cigarette at the same time. She wore about six rings on her fingers and her nails were painted a dark pink. "I really am sorry; I never meant to get you into trouble." Nate said reassuring her. "I'm only grounded for a week; they wouldn't be able to stand having me in the house any longer than that." She said with a slight laugh. "Is your mom ok?" Amanda asked. "Yeah, she and Beau got back about five yesterday, not too long after I got home from work, and she was better, anyway." Nate answered. "Being home all day yesterday cooped up in my room I thought about some stuff." She began. "I thought about how I really appreciated the fact that you didn't push the sex issue. Most guys won't stop at just kissing and you did, you respected me Nate. You don't care about the fact that I'm not ready, you spent the entire night next to me and you didn't even cross the line. You gave me a lot of really heavy stuff to consider. I know you want me for a girlfriend, I mean you and me only stuff. I think if you want, that might be ok. I've only dated a couple of guys since school began this year and they really aren't worth thinking about." She finished. Nate smiled as he thought about that. They really didn't say much more to each other, they mostly chatted about school and their homework the rest of the way to Westvale.

   They reached the high school and got out of the car. Amanda proceeded ahead of Nate. He caught up beside her and grabbed her book bag and took her hand. She looked up at him and smiled. They walked past Nick Kessler on their way in and he didn't have anything to say. Nate didn't feel depressed at this moment, as his plan was falling into place. He would leave this earth possibly frightened, misunderstood, but hopefully loved, missed, and remembered by someone.

 

    Paul was standing by his locker getting his books assorted for the next three classes when he saw Nate and Amanda coming down the hall. "Hey Paul." Amanda said looking his way. "Well, I've really got to go, I need to get to Fisher's and go over my chemistry stuff for the quiz." Amanda told both boys. She gave Nate a hug and started for the stairway. As soon as she rounded the staircase, Paul looked up at Nate, "Ahh isn't that just the sweetest thing!" Paul said in a fake cutsie voice. "Shut the fuck up!" Nate retorted. Paul turned around just in time to see Nick Kessler getting ready to walk by them. "Hey Nate has himself a little tramp...does she know you're gay?" Nick said slapping the side of his face with a look of surprise. "Fuck you, you stupid son of a bitch!" Nate said sneering. Paul put his arms up to act like he was shooting a rifle aimed at Nick. "Kaboosh!" Paul said laughing.   Nick just laughed, "What cute little girls", and walked on down the hallway. "I've been doing some thinking." Paul told Nate. "I've been thinking about going on missions of sorts, I'll fill you in at lunch, gotta go!" And with that Paul turned from Nate to walk the opposite direction.   "Later Amigo!" Nate said to Paul saluting.

    Nate had heard Paul mention "missions" before, but was still a little unclear on exactly what he meant by it. Nate walked out onto the parking lot and found Paul sitting in his car during their lunch period. "I thought maybe you had left without me." Nate said smiling. "Nah, I just don't feel much like eating, just needed a pop and a cigarette." Paul answered looking off towards the distance. "So let's talk about missions." Nate said to his friend as he bit into the sandwich he had purchased from the vending machine. "My whole fucking car is gonna smell like that shit!" Paul said to him. Paul despised bologna. Just then Nate let out a huge burp and both boys laughed. "Fucking a!" Paul said disgusted with his friend. "Ok, getting back to the subject! I want to give them some kind of warning. Start doing things to their houses, cars, mailboxes, etc, kid brothers and sisters, nah I'm kidding about the little brother thing, but you get the idea?" Paul said awaiting Nate's approval. "Say we get caught." He said swallowing a large drink of his pop. "Then they'll start watching us like fucking hawks, I don't know Paul." Nate said cautiously. "Has anyone even asked you if you're fucking depressed...hell no!" Paul remarked. "Well now it's like it's expected with my dad and all." Nate said taking another bite of his sandwich. "Yeah...I can really see you're upset." Paul said smiling as he watched his friend down the last bite of sandwich. "You're a pig...Jesus, Nate!" Paul commented. "Yeah, you're point is?" Nate said belching again. "Listen I don't care it's whatever you want to do...I just don't want to get caught. I don't want anyone to find out about the master plan, because we made a few stupid plans, yah see?" Nate stated to Paul. "Well then, we just can't get caught." Paul said with that sinister smile. Startled Amanda knocked on the window. Nate opened his door for her. "Hey Paul you got another one of those?" She asked looking at his cigarette. There had always been something about Paul that made her uncomfortable but she couldn't tell exactly what it was. She was friendly to him but kept somewhat of a distance from him. She knew he was Nate's best friend, but they were so different. She got in the back seat and lit the cigarette. "So I hear my friend here got you into trouble?" Paul asked her. "Oh, it's nothing; they're always looking for something to rag my ass about." Amanda responded. "Sounds like my old man." Paul said rolling his eyes. "I don't really care; they didn't know I was with Nate." Amanda added. She always felt that Paul didn't like her but today she guessed since she was now his best friend's girlfriend, the rules had changed. She finished her cigarette. "Hey Nate do you want to walk me back?" Amanda asked him. "Yeah." Nate said opening up the door and getting out of the car. "I'll see yah later Paul." Nate said to his friend. "Thanks for the cigarette." Amanda said leaning in before closing the door. "Hey, no problem seniorita!" Paul said smiling. Nate grabbed Amanda's hand and led her across the parking lot back to the school. "I never thought Paul liked me much." Amanda said looking up at Nate. "He can be real weird sometimes....but then, aren't we all?" Nate said with a chuckle. Amanda silently agreed. They reached her locker and she reached up to hug him. "I'll see yah later, ok?" Amanda said. "I'll give you a ride home." Nate said smiling. "Meet me around the orchestra door because instead of study hall they have me painting props that hour." Nate requested of her. "Gotcha!" She said kissing him. She walked off and he watched her walk. He stood there for a moment thinking, his high school career couldn't get much better. His grades were improving, he had a cute and sweet girlfriend, he was starting to be involved with the senior play which he enjoyed, but there it was it was always there. He knew these temporary happenings wouldn't last; they would fade just as his mind was starting to. He couldn't believe Amanda actually liked him. Maybe she didn't, would he ever really know? He turned to head to his fourth hour with the feeling of dread hanging over him once more.

     Tuesday after school Paul wasn't driving home, but merely driving a route he hadn't in a few months, the route to Dr. Largent's office. Dr. Largent was used to working with teenagers and he tried to be "cool" so to speak, and Paul liked him. He always gave him things to think about. Paul would analyze his advice, but continually come up with his own which was much more idealistic for him. He waited in the front office for nearly ten minutes before Dr. Largent called him in. Paul walked into the room and Dr. Largent shut the door behind them. Paul sat down in the big high back chair and propped his foot on his knee, and clasped his hands together. "Hey Paul what's been going on in your neck of the woods?" Largent asked him. "Not a whole lot. My grades have improved some, my girlfriend broke up with me, I've gotten beat up a couple times...I don't know, how 'bout yours?" Paul chuckled. "Why did you get beat up?" Largent questioned him. "School shit...I mean stuff." Paul said correcting himself. "It's ok Paul, you're not at home." Largent said smiling. "Your mother told me she had a little confrontation with your principal." Largent continued. "It's just school stuff, there are kids who don't like who you're friends with, how you dress, how you look...real bullshit stuff."   "Girlfriend broke up with you, was that why you were fighting?" Largent looked at him seriously. "No! She didn't go to school with me, she was older, at first I lied about my age but then I told her the truth, it's a long story, she was really cool." Paul said looking at the ground. "So you've been depressed of sorts, just the blues, and any bad thoughts about yourself or others?" Largent urged. Paul wanted to laugh at that question recalling the hundreds of conversations him and Nate have had about their murderous spree just in the last week. "No, nothing like that." Paul said with a completely straight face. "You still are taking your medication?" Largent asked. "Everyday". Paul said with the up most confidence. "After my talk with your mother I thought about maybe trying you on just a straight anti-depressant again and foregoing the anti-anxieties." Largent announced. There it was the story of Paul existence. He had come to realize he would never be able to live drug-free. This saddened him most. The doctors would see to it that he never did. He had been too violent, caused too much of a problem. When he thought of what he was capable of, he understood their reasoning. He had known for over a year, he was a murderer. He couldn't wait for the kill, for that was all that was going to satisfy him. He wasn't going to pay for his crimes for the rest of his life, he wasn't about to become a Ted Bundy of sorts, he was going to finish himself off along with the few souls who had caused him so much grief and despair. This thought that was rolling around in his head as Dr. Largent spoke, made him very excited for a few moments. He realized he had not been listening to the man for a couple of minutes and he looked up at him. "Don't you think Paul? You with me? I think I may have lost you there for a minute." Largent said. "Yeah, whatever." Paul responded, and then Largent knew he had. Paul left and walked out of the office building with his prescription in hand and wrinkled it up and tossed into the bushes outside of the parking lot. He drove home feeling unaware of his surroundings and hearing his own heart beat in his ears. Yeah, he was crazy...so what?   He smiled, in May of next year he would be gone.


	6. A Year Too Quickly

   Spring came upon the town of Westvale and Nate had put the finishing touches on his part of the props for the school play. Janice came to see it and was proud of the good work her son had completed.  Amanda said she was proud of him also. His father had come to gather his things from their home, and Janice had been in an especially good mood lately. Nate realized just how long a troubled marriage had bothered her. Nate had been spending more time with Amanda and they were becoming closer all the time. He was almost starting to feel like his plan was too much, like he wanted to tell her because he didn't want to hurt her. He hadn't planned on these certain feelings. School had only a few days left and Paul was already on lawn mowing duty at home. They had purchased enough gun powder to make some thirty pipe bombs, and had attained a new gun, a nine millimeter.  Nate, Chris and Bruce had gone deep into the woods to practice with the weapon and Nate was actually getting comfortable with it. He loved the way it felt in his hand when he shot it, and how powerful it made him feel inside, to be that destructive. Paul had been actively hiding the weapons in his room, for both boys knew Janice made random searches of Nate's room, where Paul's parents didn't like prying on their son's "privacy". They often laughed about this. They had done their first mission in early April, sneaking out of their houses and supergluing Nick Kessler's front door shut, while they slept and blowing up their mail box with three m80’s. They would sit on Nate's roof at night and wait till Sarah, Dave Brach's girlfriend, who lived a couple blocks from Nate came driving by, and shot at her car with their high-powered bb guns, then roll off of the roof and into the yard and laugh hysterically at how scared she had been. They bought paint guns and covered Dave's new pick-up with bright orange and yellow paint, and busted his tail lights out with a hammer. They were having a blast, and had yet to get caught. Even at school the victims took it as the rival team from the other high school "getting even". It was never even suspected that it was Nate and Paul.

  They wished to get their hands on an assault rifle, and knew they would be working more at Hill top in the summer and would be able to afford it. They were glad their junior year of high school was coming to a close, and together, they realized, laughing, they had less than a year to live, yet so did so many others. Paul would turn eighteen this summer and was getting ready to try and enlist in the Marines. Nate had gotten a letter from Missouri State College which sounded promising and his dad was thrilled. He and Beau had started visiting him at his new home with his girlfriend, Beth. The strange thing was that Nate liked her. He noticed his dad was starting to be the dad to him that he hadn't been in a while, and this made Nate glad for Beau's sake. Janice had filed for divorce, and Howard gladly let her have the boys, car and house; he had been more than generous with her. Amanda had talked to Paul about setting him up with her friend Rory, but he wasn't really interested. He was only interested in one thing and one thing only, death and revenge; it was all so real now.

    Westvale was alive with the activities that associated themselves with the graduation ceremonies as Paul made a trip to the Westvale East shopping strip with his father to see a Marine recruiter. Paul was somewhat nervous, Bill was ecstatic. On the way there he started sharing old stories about his friends in the military and his dad, Paul's grandfather, and how Bill wished he would've followed in his footsteps and enlisted in the military. Paul had heard all these stories before, but he just let Bill ramble on. Paul watched his dad, every hand gesture, or every move his mouth made as he spoke. Paul knew that his father was proud to be sharing this moment with him. Paul's mind started to wonder for a moment though as they were waiting on the recruiter to call them back to his office. He was thinking of a new mission. He had seen Nick Kessler's new car his parents had bought him for his eighteenth birthday, and it sent Paul's mind into a spin with all kinds of malicious pranks that can be done to a car, especially a new Camaro. This made Paul smile. Bill noticed this and took it that his son was thoroughly enjoying his ramblings of his glory days. Paul was enjoying this moment, no matter how sinister his thoughts. He hadn't had a moment like this with Bill in years and probably wouldn’t have many more. Bill looked out the window at the ribbons some of the Westvale seniors were attaching to lampposts along the parking lot. "Look Paul, it's your high school colors." Bill commented to his son. "Yeah, it's spirit week because of graduation and all." Paul replied staring out of the window towards the distance. "That'll be you next year." Bill said to Paul smiling. "Yeah, I suppose it will." He answered. He was thinking about if he told his dad the plot, how crazy he had become, he'd have him committed. Paul smiled at that moment. Just about then a man walked over to them and introduced himself as Sgt. Briggs. Paul shook his hand and the three of them walked into his office.

    "Nate! Catch!" Amanda shouted to him as she threw him the candy bars. "What are these for?" Nate asked. "Have you seen how freaking expensive the ones are at the drive-in?" Amanda questioned him. "I haven't been to the drive-in since I was a little kid." Nate said laughing. "They were like fifty cents back then." He added. Amanda went back in the house and grabbed them two blankets. "I thought...in case we want to sit outside, it's still a little chilly at night." Amanda said bringing them out to his car. "God woman, yah think anything else is gonna fit in the damn car?" Nate laughed at her. "Kiss my ass!" Amanda said getting in the car. Nate got in and started it up as Amanda was putting her hair up in a ponytail. It was going to be a beautiful May night. Late May was always a great time of year in Ohio, never too hot, never too cold. It was going to be a clear night full of stars, the kind that made Nate wonder how much he would miss astrology and nature, two of his favorite subjects. "Hey Friday I'm off work because me and Paul's summer schedule is a little bit different than when we were in school, so I was wondering if you wanted to go with me, Paul and Chris to the woods to do a little shooting?" Nate asked her. He wanted to show off to her what a good shot he was becoming. "I guess, I need to look for a job one of these days." Amanda sighed. Amanda leaned her head back onto the headrest and smiled at Nate. He leaned over and grabbed her hand and kissed it and held onto it while he drove. He suddenly thought as he looked at her as she closed her eyes in the seat next to him, _"What the hell am I doing? Why doesn't this make me happy, I mean she does, but this is all fucked up, a part of me wants to cry out to this girl to help me. I'm god damned insane! This girl is destined for better things than I could ever give her. God, if there even is one, thank you for giving me this before my end."_   With that last thought, Nate smiled to himself. He figured she'd go onto college and forget about him anyway. High school romances never last. Now he could hear his mother's voice in his head as he had the thought. He remembered that conversation well, when he was fourteen and he was worried because he couldn't find a date to his freshman Valentine’s Day formal.

   He was looking forward to target practice Friday. He loved shooting the weapon. He had just bought more bullets for it with his latest paycheck, yet he remembered what Paul had said, _"We need to start stashing a lot of these back instead of practicing with them, yah know, for the big kill!"_  He knew Paul was right. Nate had decided in his own mind that the nine millimeter would be his weapon of choice to end his own life, for he knew the shotgun would create too much damage to his skull and face. He had wondered if his parents would opt to have an open casket funeral, as they had for many in his family, so considering that fact, he decided on the nine millimeter. Thinking of this, he closed his eyes hard and then he quickly opened them. "Are you stoned or something?" Amanda giggled. "You're just staring off squinting your eyes, don't get in a wreck bud, that's not how I'm going out!" She said pointing towards the sky. "Me either." Nate answered with sincerity.

    Paul and Bill stepped foot inside the front door. Paul stormed off to go down to his room. Margaret came around the corner where she had been in the dining room reading the mail. Bill sat down at the table and leaned back in one of the dining room chairs. "Ok?" Margaret asked him. "No." I don't know what to say to him." Bill responded with a sigh. "Say what...to Paul?" Margaret asked concerned then. "They won't take him. He can't join as long as he's on the meds.  He has to be medication free for six months; we can't take that chance, Margaret." Bill said closing his eyes as he put his hand over his forehead. "Poor kid was embarrassed as hell. My heart went out to him." Bill said. "There's still college." Margaret said reassuringly. "He wanted this Margaret, he didn't want to be stuck going to some damn junior college here in Cincinnati." Bill protested. "He can still apply somewhere else, in fact maybe he ought to just take a year off and work. That might be best and let him mature a little more, I mean face the facts, he's not that self-assuring." Margaret said trying to be positive. "Margaret the kid just got his damned world smashed right in front of him for something he has no control over." Bill said loudly.   Margaret felt for Paul at that moment. "Well he just finished his junior year; he still has another year to decide." Margaret said to him. "I can't believe it's summer already." Bill said looking out of the window into the back yard.

   Down in his room Paul sat on the edge of his bed with his head sunk. For a moment in that office he thought about telling his dad he had been off of his medication for almost six months. On the way home he wanted to tell him so much that it didn't matter anymore, for there was no future, and that he didn't need to worry, he would be out of his house soon enough. Paul took a deep breath and recounted the look on his father's face. Paul thought to himself how embarrassing that must be for someone to tell you that since your child was a mental defect he couldn't even serve his own country. Just then he laughed to himself. It was as if someone was helping the plan along by shutting out one by one his plans for a future, first Michelle left him, now this. It had to be fate; it had to mean that he was chosen for the mission on hand. He would be known the world around, and for this, schools would have to change their policies on the way students treated each other, and just because of who you were, you wouldn’t be treated any different. Then he thought about how wonderful it would feel to finally put an end to lives which made his existence, in many ways, a living hell.

_It won't be long now. Less than a year and I will do an extraordinary thing with my life, I will make history and hopefully change the life of others. Hate has been a friend to me. Hate hath led me this far. Hate will make a martyr of me. This hate fuels my soul and being and existence. My poor parents they feel sorry for me now. I am such a fucking burden to them. I will free them of all the stress, all the worries of me having a normal future. I thought for the longest time last night. I wonder if Michelle would come to my funeral. Will my parents have a funeral? Will they fucking be able to have a funeral? There will be so much press! Ha Ha it’s just what I want. I will mow down the ones who are with guilt. I will leave this god forsaken place and take my best friend with me. No one has ever come between us, no one understands us. MISERY LOVES COMPANY! And my Nate has been the best company, I really do love him in a sense, enough to kill him if need be. Nah, he wants to pull the trigger on himself and I admire him for that, really.   I wonder which set of parents they will blame more. Really, my parents have no fucking idea, neither do Nate's. DON'T EVER BLAME THEM! You Mr. Detective or whoever the hell gets a hold of this. I know how the system works, you will autopsy my room, my life, like you'll autopsy my corpse, but believe me with a sawed-off Winchester, there will be no second guessing at cause of death. Paul_

   That Friday Nate showed up at Paul's as planned at around ten o'clock. Paul grabbed his Winchester and stuck it in the carrying case he had ordered for it, and headed out the front door. He was a little less than amused when he noticed Amanda sitting in the front seat. _"Jesus Christ...is this gonna be the new fucking thing?"_   He thought to himself as he motioned for Nate to open the door. "Bruce and Chris are meeting us out there." Nate announced. Nate had purposely not told Amanda that Paul was coming along until that morning, for she had confided in him that Paul made her nervous. Nate thought it was hysterical, but kept it to himself. Paul had his own secret fears about this girl. The fear that Nate might back out because of her, or even worse, rat him out because of her to save himself. Nate knew he had these insecurities and went out of his way at times to remind him that the whole thing with Amanda was part of the "grand scheme."

   Paul sat quietly in the back seat taking the gun from its case while Amanda and Nate chatted on the way to the woods where Chris and Bruce were waiting. He loved the way the steel felt smooth and cool against his bare thighs. This was the first time Paul had worn shorts in months but the temperature was supposed to soar way up into the eighties. It was going to be a beautiful early June day, full of bullshitting, shooting, and fantasizing. Every time Paul shot the gun the fantasy became more of a reality. They pulled off the main road onto a narrow path that led to a river bed where a lot of men fished, yet the bed had nearly dried up so there were hardly any visitors down this path anymore, except for kids who came there to make out, or to shoot off fireworks.

   As they pulled up, Paul recognized Bruce's blue Chevy pick-up truck. "Hey fuckers!" Chris said as Nate stopped the car. Bruce was taking boards out of the back of the truck and propping them up against trees in the distance. Paul started to load his gun. Nate reached below his seat and grabbed the box which contained the nine millimeter and loaded it as well. "Damn Nate where the hell did you get that thing?" Amanda asked as her eyes widened. "Ah, just a friend of mine." Nate said smiling as he put on his sunglasses. Paul didn't say a word and got out of the car. Bruce pulled an even bigger carrier out of the back of the truck. "Like?" As he showed it to Paul. It was an AR15. "That's not funny!" Amanda said shocked at her friend's weaponry. Paul shot her a look and then turned back towards Bruce. "That mother fucker is amazing!" Nate walked over to admire the rifle also. Bruce handed it to Nate as Nate handed the nine millimeter to Paul who took it with his free hand. "Hell yeah!" Nate said as he held up the rifle and looked down through the scope. "It can be yours or one of yah all's for five hundred bucks." Bruce announced. Paul smiled. As many hours as he could work during the summer at Hilltop the weapon could be his in no time flat. He looked at Nate who nodded towards him. "Nate what the hell do you need that kind of a gun for?" Amanda demanded. Paul grabbed Nate by the arm. "Didn't I tell you? No girls!” The other boys started laughing. "Fuck you!" Amanda said looking at Paul. Nate didn't laugh and shot his friend a look. Nate took Amanda over to the car and lit her a cigarette. Bruce, Chris and Paul started for the trees and started shooting. "I don't like that fucking asshole!" Amanda said under her breath. "I know, he can be really weird sometimes, even an asshole, I'm sorry for that." Nate reassured her. "How can you be friends with someone like that. You are so fucking not like that. You know I have to defend you all the time when people start saying things about you and it's mostly because you hang around with him!" This made Nate furious in his friend's defense. "Fuck everyone else Amanda! No one understands Paul the way I do, ok?" Nate said turning red in the face. "You didn't even take up for me back there." Amanda said trying not to cry. "I'm sorry...I'm fucking sorry!" Nate screamed. He walked closer to her. "I have been friends with the guy since I was thirteen, I watch out for him, he doesn't think, and he doesn't understand things sometimes, ok?" Nate said worried. Nate knew they were all lies, but he was a little irritated at Paul for saying what he did to Amanda and then he was a little upset with Amanda for saying what she did. "Do you want me to take you home?" Nate asked her. "No." Amanda said reaching into the car grabbing her bb gun. Nate found this a bit amusing just then as he watched Amanda storm off towards the woods.

   Nate stood there for a minute finishing the cigarette that he had lit for her and watched her as she struck up a conversation with Chris. Nate joined them a few moments later and held the nine millimeter tight in his hand and took his turn after Paul and fired towards the tree to the right. He was almost exactly on perfect aim, enough to let Amanda know that he had practiced. Amanda took the BB gun and fired a few shots completely missing the target. Paul laughed at her missed shot. "You know you're not much better." She said smiling towards Paul. Paul gave her a knowing look with a smile before he turned and fired the rifle at the target in the middle. "Come here." Paul said motioning to Amanda. Nate watched his friend carefully with his girlfriend. Bruce was busy handing Chris a cigarette out of his truck. Paul placed the sawed-off Winchester in her hands and positioned it for her. She closed her sights in on the target and pulled the trigger and fired. Her whole body shook and it felt like the weapon had exploded in her hand. The power of it made her tremble. She handed it back to Paul. She stepped back and bent down to pick up her bb gun. "Now that is fucking awesome, isn't it Amanda?" Paul asked her. "It hurt my hand!" Amanda laughed. "All that pain is worth the death!" Paul said smiling. "You're a fucking weirdo, Paul." Amanda said still chuckling. "Yep, that's me!" Paul said making a goofy smile as he put his sunglasses back over his eyes. There was a weirdness that surrounded them just then. Nate couldn't quite figure it out, but it was definitely present and at that moment he wanted to leave.

    On the drive back to town, Amanda seemed less uneasy than before they had gotten to the shooting range. Paul had given her a cigarette and they were making jokes about people at school. Amanda had even let Paul sit in the front seat. They reached Paul's house and let him out. He grabbed his gun and gear, placing it in the trunk of his car in the driveway, and looked at Nate. "Hey we seriously need to consider the gun that Bruce has." Paul said smiling walking towards his house.  Nate agreed but just waved for him and put the car in reverse.

    As soon as they were backed out of the driveway the questions started. Amanda had gotten back in the front seat and was facing Nate. "Why do you all need those guns?" She asked him without smiling. "Ah shit, it's just for fun." Nate replied taking a drag of his cigarette. "So your interest in them is strictly recreational?" Amanda added. Nate chuckled at the question. "What...do you think I'm gonna kill someone with them?" He asked laughing. "Don't you think I would’ve already tried to kill yah?" Nate continued. "Fuck off!" Amanda said laughing. "In bad B horror flicks the girlfriend is always first, or boyfriend, whichever the case may be." Nate added. Amanda was laughing. "Anyways you love me too much to kill me." She said looking off towards the road. He shot her a glance and then looked back towards the front of the car. He knew she was waiting for some kind of response. "Honestly Amanda I don't know how I feel about all that right now...the love stuff, I guess I really don't know what it is exactly." Nate said giving her his most honest answer. Amanda was a little disappointed at his response. "I bet if I slept with you then you would say you love me, right? Isn't that a typical guy thing to do?" Amanda said sarcastically. "That's not true, Amanda. The sex thing really doesn't mean that much to me, really." He said blushing. He couldn't believe he was actually talking to a girlfriend about sex. "I know...I'm sorry." Amanda said uncomfortably. "I guess if we decide to ever...you know...then we'll know, ok?" Nate said extinguishing his cigarette. He grabbed her hand and held it all the way back to his house.

   Janice had never met her, but he felt now was of good a time as any. She always got off of work early on Fridays and it was going on three o'clock. They pulled into his driveway and he made sure his gun was concealed in his car before he even turned off the engine. "What time do you have to be home?" Nate asked Amanda. "Oh, I told mom I'd probably be gone until around seven or so." She answered. "Ok, I have someone you need to meet." Nate said blushing. "Oh god Nate I look like shit...not your mom!" She said checking her hair in the rearview mirror.

   They got out of the car and Nate let go of her hand. Beau came out the front door to greet them. "Nate, mom said we could order something for dinner, you pick!" Beau announced. Nate looked at Amanda. "We do a lot of "ordering" since my parents split up." He explained. Amanda just smiled and walked in the house ahead of him. Janice was sitting on the sofa and didn't look up from the TV guide. "Did Beau tell you? You decide, anything sounds good to me." With that she looked up and saw Amanda standing there. Janice had known for some time that there was a girl she just didn't have a face to put with the knowledge.  She wondered if they were sleeping together, or how her eldest son felt about this girl. Janice thought she looked a little cheap, maybe she just had too much make-up on or the shorts she was wearing were too cut-off, she couldn't quite soak in what it was about her that she didn't care for. Maybe it was just that Nate's life was just beginning and she felt a pang of jealousy for a major part of her life was ending. Amanda's white socks came out above her tennis shoes and her T-shirt wasn’t her's at all, it was an undershirt of Nate's, she recognized it immediately. "I'm Janice, and you're?" She asked politely. "I'm Amanda, I'm friends with Nate." She said cautiously. "Well ok, let's order some pizza, and some pop?" Nate suggested trying to ease the look on his mother's face. "Ok." Janice said motioning for Beau to bring her the telephone. "It's nice to meet you, Amanda, would you like some pizza?" Janice asked her. "If it's ok." Amanda answered quietly. "Well sure don't think nothing of it, hon.” Janice added. "Well, we'll be in my room." Nate said pointing towards the hallway. "Oh, ok." Janice said not really knowing what to say. Beau was busy watching television and really hadn't paid much attention to the whole scenario, but then, he had already met Amanda a few times before.

   They entered Nate's room and Amanda lay across the bed on her stomach. "Shit I'm sorry about that." Nate said lying down next to her laughing. "She doesn't like me." Amanda said seriously. "Ah, she's just mad because one of us is getting laid, and it's not her." He said laughing. "That's terrible, and anyway you're not getting laid, not by me anyway." She laughingly stated. "Yeah, but I could tell by the look on her face she thinks so." Nate added. "Oh great, now I won't be able to look her in the face again." Amanda wined. Nate took her shoulder and rolled her over on her back. He started kissing her. She put her arms around him, and he stopped. "There's not many things in this fucked up world worth the time. Not school, not parents, not money, not...shit who knows what else, but if I feel this way...I guess it's the closest thing I've ever had to love, but then I've never really had a girlfriend. You're like the third girl I've ever kissed, and the others weren't important. Fuck my mom, fuck Paul, fuck everything...this here and now...I can't explain it, but that's where I'm at with this, and it doesn't matter if we're screwing or not, because it just isn't important, ok? Stop worrying about it." Nate concluded. Amanda hadn't exactly understood everything he had just tried to explain to her, but she didn't care. Maybe her friends were right, maybe he was a computer nerd and he had weird friends that dressed and acted strange, but she cared for him, she really cared for him, and she didn't care what they thought. He was the best friend, not to mention, boyfriend that she had wanted.

   Nate thought to himself for a while as she lay on his chest, _"Who will take care of this girl when I'm gone. I know she's gonna cry now, she's never gonna forget me. Is this really what I wanted? I'm gonna break her fucking heart. Why isn't this enough? Silly, maybe it's enough to actually make me want to commit suicide, for it only goes downhill from here so why not just get out while the getting is good?"_  He then had that feeling like he had had so many times before. It always felt like he was the only person in the room and the walls were slowly closing in on him. He felt it hard to breathe. He shut his eyes until the doorbell rang. "Come on Nate, pizza." Amanda said nudging him.

 

 


	7. Apologies, Apologies

    Paul punched away at his computer in his basement room, moving his files around, adding comments to a web site which few read, that was mostly about the days shooting statistics, and then adding levels to his game. The game was of death where he always came out a winner. In Paul's innermost thoughts he looked at death as the consolation prize, for to live anymore in a world that hated, judged, manipulated, and strangled those who were innocent, death was the ultimate escape.   He then opened up his e-mail and began reading. Most of it was usually junk mail or pornography advertisements, which amused him. It sat there for a moment staring him in the face. He didn't know to open it or not. He then tilted his neck from side to side to pop the joints and lowered his eyesight on it. His heart was racing and his mind was spinning. He read the following at least five times before the reality of it sank in.

 

 

 

_Hey Paul,_

_I know it has been awhile and I'm sorry for that, I really am. I got your last e-mail and I appreciated the apology. I was really worried about you. You weren't acting like yourself, I don't know if it was your medication or just the situation or what. I'm sorry too. I'm sorry for hurting you, but what we had probably never should have been, with the age difference and all, I mean, come on, did you really think it would last? I enjoyed every moment we were together. I'm doing just fine, and I hope you are too. I hope you're looking forward to being a senior. You are so cute and adorable; there will be plenty of girls who will be perfect for you. I will never forget you, ever, I promise. I must tell you something. I am engaged, we're getting married next spring. He's really nice Paul. I told him all about you. I just feel terrible leaving you hanging like this for so long. You are a wonderful person, but a person with a lot of growing up to do, and you will, and you'll grow up just fine. You are terribly smart and I know you will be something great. Don't let anyone tell you you can't do something. Sometimes I really miss you, Paul. Love, Michelle_

Paul thought to himself for a moment. _"Did I really think it would last?" "Well hell no you self concerning bitch!"_ He was exploding and he grabbed his journal.

 

_Don't you just love people who don't talk to you for like four months and then write you an e-mail like you were the one who expected too much? Well yeah, I expected a response before I was a fucking old man, but then I'll never be an old man will you Paul? I have yet one more reason to be glad of the death that awaits me...it will hurt her, because she will think she had something to do with it. Haaa! The guilt she will feel, oh yes just imagining it is sweet, fucking little traitor! No one gets to hurt me, just ask the headless Nick Kessler or the heartless Dave Brach, see these are the things I plan to take away from them, their brains and their hearts! Oh fuck yes!!! See my darling little Michelle, you who sucked my dick then stabbed me in the gut, you will suffer the worst, that is why I must let you live, though some would say I should've taken you with me. I would love to rip your eyes out right now, so you will never be able to see your children and your fucking husband you worthless dog in heat. I am the best fuck you will ever have, I know it, and you know it. If you were in front of me now what would I say to you, NOTHING, I would laugh my ass off at how pathetic you must be, you fucking loony tooned bitch. ANYWAYS..... We went out shooting today, grand time, grand time, and my friends. The weather was beautiful. I let Nate's little bitch feel the power, the power that will forever shape her life. She will be the mistress of the fury that is the killer, my wonderful Nate. He has the sickness like me; she can't even take it away from him. It is a fever of sorts, and I gave it to him, no, I didn't give it to him, he always had it, it just took me to introduce it to him.   Hate, this is Nate. Nate, here lies the answers to all of your misery, your innermost sadness and secrets, your incurable sickness. He met it and he knows. It's mission time. I feel another mission coming on, tomorrow night after work. I have to have that gun of Bruce's. That is friggin awesome, and I didn't even have to be a piece of shit Marine before I used one, Ha fuck you all. My father feels sorry for me, I know this, dad don't worry, I'm not gonna go to war and let some mother fucking foreigner kill me I'm gonna do it myself, of course I won't be a hero to as many, but we will be heroes, you wait and see. Paul_

   Nate came by to pick up Paul at around ten o'clock the next morning for work. Paul lit a cigarette and sat back to enjoy the ride. "How was your evening?" Paul asked Nate sarcastically. "I let Amanda meet mom." Nate replied. "Oh I didn't know meeting your mother was a special privilege." Paul laughed. "Shut up asshole." Nate smiled. "Sometimes I can't wait till this whole thing is over." Nate said seriously. "Sometimes it's like it's not even real to me." He continued. "Sometimes I can't wait till that final moment, yah know, I want to know what happens, where are we going?" He concluded. "I don't really know where we're going, but yah know it's got to be better that here. I get so sick of all those ass kissing Christians saying you automatically go to hell when you commit suicide, shit, this place is hell." Paul remarked, throwing his hands in the air. "No shit!" Nate agreed. "Did you get some pussy last night? What's with all this Hallmark bullshit all of a sudden?" Paul asked Nate. "There is no pussy, there is no Hallmark bullshit, just plain ole' curiosity, that's all." Nate responded grabbing another cigarette from the glove compartment. "Did you know that I finished my junior year with the highest grade point average I have had since I started this so-called high school career? Death has given me a reason to care. I don't want them sitting around stereotyping me! He was from a broken home, he smoked pot, he made bad grades, he smelled funny, he was mean, and he beat up other kids all the time...fuck that shit! Do you see what I'm saying? Here goes, he was on the honor roll, he wore stylish clothes, he had short hair, he held a job, his teachers liked him, he had two, wonderfully loving parents, he never used dope, yet he killed almost one hundred students and faculty! Do you get me?" Paul finally finished. Nate looked at his friend for a moment as they were at a stop light, and lowered his stare on him. "I have always got you." He said it with that demonic smile, which few knew he possessed. "Ha Ha Ha!" Paul started laughing at his own genius. "Have you told her you love her yet?" Paul asked him quietly. "No, not yet." Nate answered with a smile. "I'm waiting, but you know what, I think I just might really love her." Nate said comically. "Oh the shit have hiteth the fans!" Paul said laughing. "I'm happy for you, my amigo." He added. "My mother hates her; she'll blame her in some way for this maybe." Nate commented. "They'll blame a lot of things, but they won't realize that it was just you and me kid." Nate thought to himself for a moment worrying just then that maybe his mother would blame herself, for he would be coming from a broken home, she would blame herself for not holding it together somehow. He knew she had been miserable with Howard for years, and Nate promised himself, right then and there, he would find some way to let her know this was not her fault before he went on.

    All day at work Nate thought about what he and Paul had talked about on the way there. Where were they going? What is hell? What is Heaven? Do they exist? His life now was held in this balance. He watched as Paul joked around with their co-workers and was polite to customers even when they were being disagreeable. That was the thing about Paul that Nate never quite understood. He was horrible when it came to getting along with his peers, yet the general public and parents he was fantastic with. Nate wasn't good with either. He had spent most of his life being terribly shy, and he wondered if he would even be capable of a relationship, like the one he had with Amanda, if he didn't know his fate was sealed. This is why he believed Paul when he had stated that being knowledgeable about your own death gave you a new found confidence about everything. Nate had marveled over the way he had been with Amanda, when, since puberty, the thought of having to talk to a girl he was attracted to made him nauseous. He laughed at this as he overheard the conversation between Jessica and Paul. "My girlfriend broke up with me, she was a real bitch and she lied to me and shit, I found I was better than that, you will too." Paul finished as he gave her "being dumped" advice. "I don't know we were together for so long and then I found out, like, he had been lying to me the whole time." Jessica complained. "So what are you gonna do blow your brains out over it?" Paul asked her laughing. "Fuck no! He's not worth the ammunition!" Jessica said joking with him.

   Nate was finishing his chores before his shift ended and happened to look out the front door of the restaurant. Amanda had pulled up and she was in her friend Rory's car. Rory got out of the passenger side. Rory didn't go to Westvale, Amanda had met her at a party the summer before and the two girls became fast friends. Rory was petite, wore a lot of make-up, had her hair dyed a plum color, always wore black, and no matter what her attire, always had her pair of black Chuck Taylor’s on. Nate thought she was kind of cute, she owned a weird sense of humor, but was actually very intelligent. Nate didn't mind being around her, for he respected most of her views on society as a whole and her views on religion and Christianity mirrored Paul's. Paul turned around to face Nate. "Who is that with Amanda?" He questioned his friend. "That's Rory, you might actually like her, she's pretty cool." Nate commented. The two girls entered the pizzeria just as it was starting to get busy. "Hey Paul, looks like we came at a bad time." Amanda said looking around. "Na, me and loser get off in about five." Paul smiled at her. "Well, then we wanted to know if you two wanted to go up to the lake and hang out for a little while." Amanda asked him. Paul shrugged his shoulders. "I'm game, why don't you ask your boyfriend?" Paul said making quotations with his fingers. Greg came from the office. "Jessica take over Paul's register, it's time for Mr. Langley to go home." Greg said waving to him. "Wait here, I'll get Nate." Paul finished, and with that he disappeared into the back. Nate was cleaning up so Steve could take his place. Rory and Amanda sat at one of the front tables and waited on the boys. "Did you tell them we have alcohol?" Rory asked her. "Hell no, I don't want to get Nate into trouble." Amanda whispered to her. "Paul is kind of cute." Rory commented. "Yeah, he's kind of weird though, I even think he's on medication for some mind stuff." Amanda said squinting. "Sounds like my kind of man." Rory said chuckling. "Yeah, one of you is about as fucked up as the other one." Amanda answered her.

   Nate went into the men's room and washed up, straightened up his hair, and sprayed his breath. Paul banged on the door. Nate opened the door of the restroom for his friend's familiar knock. Paul had changed his shirt and put his sunglasses on. He had on khaki shorts, a white t-shirt that read "Do or Die" on the back of it, and he wore white socks with his combat boots tied tightly around his ankles. Paul then reached from behind his back after straightening his hair and put a Yankees ball cap on his head backwards. Both boys stood in front of the mirrors. Nate just had his jeans and his black undershirt on with his tennis shoes. All of a sudden as they stood there and looked at each other, they started laughing. They really didn't know why, and they never made a comment about it. "So she wants to go hang out at the lake right? To drink?" Nate asked Paul. "Does she have some poison on her?" Paul said excited at the thought of getting drunk. "Oh, I don't know I'm just speculating." Nate said putting his ball cap on his head. They both walked out of the bathroom and Nate jokingly said to his friend, "No boats." "Fuck you!" Paul retorted as he smiled.

   They went over to the two girls and it all of a sudden hit Paul that this was the girl Amanda had talked about setting him up with. For a moment this thought made him uneasy until he realized it really didn't matter that he impressed anyone anymore.

    They headed for the parking lot and got into Rory's old Buick station wagon. "Is this a car or a fucking hearse?" Paul asked her. They all four started laughing. Rory reached over and hit him on the arm. "Yeah well I bet mommy and daddy bought yours, asshole, I worked for this heap all by myself!" Rory announced to Paul as she laughed. "You must not have to work very hard!" Paul playfully screamed. Nate grabbed Amanda close to him in the huge back seat and kissed her on the forehead. Amanda laid her head in his chest and closed her eyes. "Got Alcohol?" Paul asked Rory in a silly voice. "What the hell kind of person do you think I am?" Rory asked him. "I don't know, why don't you tell me!" Paul said as he scooted closer and sarcastically put his hand to his chin as if to listen to her intently. Nate had rarely seen his friend in this good of mood. He was being hilarious, and already had Rory thoroughly entertained. "Ok, Paul quit flirting!" Nate yelled from the back seat. "Well....she started it!" Paul reassured him. Amanda and Rory started laughing. Paul moved over and lay on Rory's lap between her thighs and the steering wheel. "I know you're gonna love me." Paul said trying to contain his laughter. Rory had tears in her eyes from laughing. She took her knee and bumped his head into the steering wheel which made the car veer to the right a bit. "Ok assholes don't wreck this piece of shit...oh I mean car!" Nate yelled. This was already a good night. Nate noticed the way the glare of the freeway lights looked on Amanda's face as they passed underneath them. He was really happy at this moment. Then he thought for a second about the mother who didn't know of his whereabouts at that moment. Paul's parents didn't know his either, but neither boy was concerned. Discipline from their parents was no longer a true concern, they just wanted to enjoy this time that they had left. No matter how far they pushed it away the thought of their death was never far from their minds now.

    At around nine o'clock Janice made a phone call to the Langley's residence. Margaret answered the phone. "No, Paul hasn't come home yet, he's not there?" Margaret asked Janice. "No, I don't know where the hell Nate is at either!" Janice said becoming agitated. "Paul is gonna have a lot of answering to do when he comes in." Margaret assured her. "They both know better than this." Margaret concluded. "I don't know what it is with Nate lately, it's like he doesn't even listen to me. He goes around here without ever smiling; I don't know he just seems distant at times. I sometimes wonder if it's got something to do with that girl." Janice stated. "Paul doesn't tell us about anything anymore." Margaret shared. "They think they are already grown up, I know it's not very late, but they could've at least had the decency to call and let us know they were going somewhere after work." Margaret continued.   "I don't care that they went out, you know what I'm saying." Janice told her. "Oh I know exactly what you mean. I'm glad I'm not the only one who is noticing this about them. The last time Nate was here, he didn't have much to say to me or Bill, and usually he's very conversational." Margaret noted. "They have some answering to do, I've been meaning to talk to Howard and get him to talk to Nate, but he's too involved in his new life, Nate likes her though, I guess I'm glad of that." Janice sighed. "I'm so sorry, Janice. I wish I knew what to say." Margaret said trying to comfort her. "Oh, don't worry yourself about it." Janice said with a slight giggle. "I'm fine, I just worry about the boys, especially Nate, I'm sorry for calling you and getting you upset." Janice said sincerely. "Oh goodness, don't worry about it, I lie to Bill for Paul constantly, for I feel he can be too hard on him, for what I feel is, normal teenage behavior, they'll call in awhile, you'll see." Margaret said assuring herself and Janice. "Oh yeah you're probably right.  Call me if you hear anything at all." Janice asked her. "You know I will, hon.” Margaret answered.

    The four teens had reached the lake by this time. Rory pulled a large Vodka bottle out from under her seat. She took a large swig of it, and then handed it to Paul. "Hell yeah!" He screamed as he took a drink himself. He held the bottle up and motioned for Nate to take a drink. "No thank you, someone has to drive the tank home." Amanda said laughing. Nate agreed but took one small drink and said to Paul, "Me and Amanda are gonna go walk down by the dock." "Gotcha." Paul said. "Hey it's just you and me!" Rory said giggling to Paul. "Give me another drink." Paul said to her. He winced at taking a bigger drink than he had intended. "Do you handle your women like you handle your liquor?" Rory asked him.   "I don't handle women." Paul said rolling his eyes. "Been hurt huh, that sucks, I know that one." Rory said serious then. She put her arm around him and patted him on the back. "You aint gotta feel sorry for me even if we get drunk!" Paul announced to her.  He got up from the park bench they were sitting at and moved to sit over on the swings that were on the playground. "Hey Paul I didn't mean to piss you off, man." Rory said apologizing. "I don't even really know you, why are you apologizing?" Paul asked her. She took another gulp of the Vodka and handed it back to him. "So are you gonna be a senior at Westvale next semester?" She asked him changing the subject. "Unfucking fortunately." Paul answered starting to swing a bit. "Hey Rory can I ask you a personal question? Well two personal questions, one isn't about you." Paul asked her. "Ok? I guess, I don't have anything to hide." She said cautiously.   "Are Nate and Amanda "doing it"?" He looked at her without a smile on his face. "You should know that one, he's your friend." Rory laughed. "Yeah, but sometimes there are things we don't talk about and I just want to watch out for him, he's my friend." Paul assured her. "Well, ok, no they are not sleeping together; I'd know if they were, Amanda would tell me. She told me about Chris." Rory finished. "Chris? Chris Wilson? What about him?" Paul's curiosity took on a new dimension. "They were "doing it" for awhile, but Amanda wanted more like what her and Nate have, yah know. She said she would never jump that fast again with a guy." Rory finished. Paul couldn't believe what he was hearing. Chris had slept with Amanda and not said anything to anyone, even Nate, even now. Paul felt his gut sink at hearing that news. He couldn't jeopardize his friendship with Chris or Bruce because of being able to get his hands on the guns, though a part of him knew that if he told Nate, he would have a guarantee that Nate was with him all the way in "the plan". His mind was racing; maybe he would just blackmail Amanda, though he really didn't have anything to blackmail her on. "What was the other thing you wanted to know, sir?" Rory asked him. "Are you afraid to die?" He asked her. Their eyes fixed on eachother at that moment. "You know for a long time I thought about killing myself, but then I realized that this time would pass and the bad stuff would all be over with." She answered. "What if you knew it wasn't gonna ever get any better?" He continued to ask her. "Shit, I don't know, I just know it will." She assured him. "What about you?" She asked him. "I've though about it also, I just think about what it would do to my parents and that's what keeps, or kept me from doing it." He answered. "Do you still think about it sometimes?" She questioned him. He lied. "No, I haven't in a long time." He said smiling. She held the bottle between her legs and turned towards him. Paul looked at her then. She was cute with her auburn hair pulled back into a short ponytail, the darkness made it impossible to see the dye in her hair. She had big brown eyes that sparkled when she laughed, and her black painted fingernails gripped the chains of the swing tightly. They both looked up and commented on how well you could see the stars away from the dampening of city lights. "What do you think of when you look up at the stars at night?" He asked her.  She honestly couldn't think of an answer. "Paul just to get this awkwardness between us gone, kiss me, ok?" Paul laughed at this, but pulled her swing next to his and positioned her where she was facing him. He kissed her quick and then got out of the swing and stood in front of her, bending down, and continued kissing her. "Well, is it gone?" He asked her as their lips parted. She took a drink of the Vodka. "Yeah, that'll do." She said giggling.

   Paul was starting to feel the effects of the alcohol. He felt warm and all he wanted to do was laugh. Rory started laughing hysterically. He knew she was pretty close to drunk. "What the hell is so funny?" He asked her laughing. "Your hard-on!" She fell out of the swing and hit the ground hard with her bottom, but kept laughing. "Is that what that is?" He said laughing pulling his shirt up.

   She got up off the ground and walked over to where the sand started by the shore of the lake. She lay down on her back. Paul came over and lay down beside her. "Look at that shit, it’s incredible!" He said looking again back at the moon and stars. "Yeah, well we've already seen the big dipper." Rory said still laughing joking with him about his arousal. "I really like you, Rory; you're different than most people." He said to her seriously. "I strive to be." She answered him. He knew that feeling all too well. They layed there for the longest time, just singing silly songs and laughing. "Where in the hell are Nate and Amanda?" Rory questioned. "Who cares?" Said Paul drinking the last drop of Vodka.

   Nate sat with Amanda in his arms on the dock. "We really need to go, Nate, it's been like over an hour, Paul and Rory are probably so drunk they are crying." Amanda said. The two hadn't talked much, but had just enjoyed being close. Amanda was getting tired and knew that she better get back to Rory's where she was spending the night. Nate got up and took her hand to help her up.

   They walked back around to the park where they found Paul and Rory chuckling about something, but couldn't make it out. "Hey, you two winos! Get in the fucking car before you get us arrested!" Nate demanded of them. Paul stumbled to the car with Rory behind him. "Hey wait on that girl behind me." Paul muttered to Nate. Nate had really never seen his friend this drunk. "Paul you are in deep shit bud." Nate said as he pictured Bill's face. He knew Paul wasn't concerned. Nate demanded the keys from Rory and got in to drive them home. "They are absolutely plastered." Amanda said with a worried tone in her voice. "Yes they are." Nate said yawning. Nate thought he would probably just let Paul sleep it off at his house. He knew he could get Paul in, and just tell Janice he was sick and couldn't make it home, and she'd believe him seeing that Nate was sober.

    They made it to the parking lot of Hilltop pizza and Nate let Amanda take over the wheel as he helped his passed-out friend into his car. He leaned in the window and gave Amanda a kiss goodbye. "I'll call you." Nate promised as she pulled out from the parking spot with Rory sprawled out in the back of the vehicle. Paul opened the passenger door just then, and puked everything he had eaten or drank in the previous hours onto the pavement. "That's fucking beautiful." Nate said laughing. "I need a cigarette." Paul asked him in a whiny tone whipping his mouth. "Hey I feel a little better, though." Paul drunkenly chuckled. Nate shook his head and reached over Paul to shut the door and headed home. Nate got home and told the lie he had rehearsed to Janice, and put Paul to bed. Janice put in a call to a worried Margaret and Bill, whom she could tell was less than amused with their son at the moment, Nate made a pallet on the floor and turned off the lights and listened to Paul snore. He looked out his window at the moon, and remembered for a moment how that beautiful light looked on Amanda's face. At that moment he wished she was there so he could make love to her for the remainder of the night. He could still smell her on his shirt. He rolled over and let his tiredness consume him.

    Early the next afternoon Paul awoke and realized he wasn't at home. He took a good look around and looked down on the floor to where Nate was still asleep. His need to urinate was excruciating. He stepped over his friend and found his way into the hall towards the restroom. "Paul what are you doing here?" Beau asked him. "You know little guy I think I know but I'm not real sure." Paul answered still getting his eyes open. "Well there is one of the sleeping beauties!" Janice hollered from the living room. "Good mornin' Janice." Was all that Paul could manage. He made it to the bathroom. He sat there on the toilet recollecting what the night before had been. He thought about Rory. He thought mostly about what she had said to him. _"Amanda was "doing it” with Chris for awhile."_ He got up and pulled up his shorts which he was still wearing from the previous evening, and headed back into the room and shut Nate's door. "Don't you even wash your hands?" Nate said with closed eyes and a groggy chuckle. Paul laid back down on the bed and closed his eyes. "Nope, it's so long I don't have to touch it." He said jokingly. "You...wish!" Nate said yawning. "You know we don't have to worry about germs...think about it." Paul said. "Yeah, we're the germs." Nate responded. "Now you get it." Paul laughed. "You sure had fun with Rory last night." Nate said laughing. "Yeah, she was a lot better than I had expected one of Amanda's friends to be." Paul responded honestly. "You just don't know Amanda well enough, you know?" Nate said. Paul didn't know what to say because of his new found knowledge of her. After a moment he finally responded with, "Yeah, you're probably right." "Last night was awesome, except for you puking and everything. You better be glad no one was at Hilltop, or you could've lost your job." Nate reminded him. "Oh like the time you caught the trash dumpster on fire...that was you wasn't it?" Paul retorted laughing. "No me and Amanda, just holding her last night." Nate started. "Made you want to live?" Paul felt a lump in his throat. "I wish...sometimes. Nothing drags me out of this, Paul." Nate stated firmly. "This life sucks in general, there are the perks, but it sucks." Nate said in a low tone. "In almost a month I'll be eighteen and what the hell have I accomplished?" Paul asked. "Not one damn thing. I might as well still be in first grade, I'm still a geek, I'm still a fucking mental case, I still get wedgies from assholes, I have no woman, I did, she dumped me, and I’m a fucking loser. But I'm not going out a loser. I'm taking the worthless shitheads with my ass!" Paul said laughing. "We're gonna do it right." Nate chuckled. "Being with Amanda makes me actually want to do this more. I know that sounds ludicrous, but it's true. It will leave them with the most fucking big mystery to solve. In fact they won't! We're gonna leave them with more questions than an SAT test!" Nate said seriously. "I think about the things they'll say caused it." Paul stated. "Our video games, our parents, out teachers...will they ever blame a lot of the shit that has really caused it? Doubtful!" Paul finished. "I really need to tell you something Amigo." Paul said changing the subject. "You will wonder why I'm telling you this, I just don't want you to think it's for personal gain, ok?" Paul asked him. "Ok, man." Nate said turning to look up at him. "Your woman aint no cherry." Paul said swallowing hard. "What the hell are you getting at?" Nate demanded. "Last night...Rory told me her and Chris...you get the picture. Obviously though, that's all it was, a physical thing." Paul said. "Oh, yeah that makes it better, how in the hell do you know...you two were piss drunk!" Nate said agitated. "Hey don't get mad at me, it may not be true, I just don't know why Rory would lie." Paul said trying to reason with him. Nate wanted to hit something really hard, mainly Paul at the moment. "Fucking bastard Wilson...I don't know if I believe that shit...you know Chris's mouth.. he would've said something." Nate said trying to keep from showing how hurt he was. "Well I thought that too." Paul continued. "We can't really say anything, with him being one of our sources and all." Paul said carefully to him. "Anyways if it's true, you're girl is the one that's lying about it, Chris aint ever said anything." Paul said trying to convince him. "Anyhow, what the fuck were you two jackasses talking about us for? What the hell do I do with her that is any of your god damned business?" Nate said furious now, with Amanda and Paul. "I gotta wiz!" Nate said as he jumped off of the floor and headed towards the bathroom. He came back just a moment later not ready to give up the conversation he had left. "Tell me that Paul, tell me something." Nate demanded of him. Paul had rarely seen Nate this angry in the four years they had known one another. "I was just asking her some stuff Nate, Jesus, what is your damage dude?" Paul retorted. "Why don't you just ask me?" Nate asked. "We are going to kill ourselves together...fuck have you forgotten already? Have you forgotten that all we are, that all we do we are one entity?" Nate said as he was nose to nose with Paul. Paul could feel his breath on his face. Paul just started smiling. "I hate everything about this godforsaken earth." Paul quietly said to him. Nate wasn't backing from Paul's face. "We will kill, and take our revenge." Paul said almost in a whisper.   "And we will die; we will give our lives for that cause." Paul said in a sort of laugh. He then quickly dug his index finger into his friend's cheek. "We will take each other out of this, we will follow one another." Paul finished. The whole room seemed dark to him then. "That's right!" Nate said putting his hands up in the air. "That's right!" He said as he pushed Paul back further onto the bed.

    Paul left the Durham residence about thirty minutes later feeling confident in all the preparations that lay ahead. The walk did him some good. He was rounding the corner at the end of his street when a car approached speeding up behind him, he turned thinking that it sounded like the engine in Bruce's truck but it was Dave Brach with Sarah to his sudden surprise. He was in his new Camaro and for some reason this made Paul smile. Dave slowed and Paul waited for the abuse to begin as he kept walking. "Hey faggot did you miss the bus? Where is your ass buddy at? I haven't seen you guys all summer, I've missed yah ass wipe!" He got in front of Paul and spun his tires throwing debris and loose gravel from the street on him as he laughed. Paul didn't feel like saying anything. He looked at the Camaro as they drove on up the street. _"It will be so nice to kill you Dave, would you like me to cut your eyeballs out of your head after I shoot you in the chest with my shot gun, as the shells barrel their way through your internal organs like a knife in hot butter, or do you wish to see what I've done to you before you take your final breath, it's your choice."_ He then laughed to himself. _"What a fucking wonderful day, I'm talking to myself, my parents are going to ground me until I'm twenty two, and for some reason my best friend hates me for being honest with him. "Life, my friends, is getting quite interesting."_

 

_I woke up this morning at Nate's house. It was cool of him to let me crash there. I cannot handle liquor. I met Amanda's friend Rory. Can you spell that Mr. Policeman, that's R O R Y. People like Dave Brach end up being pigs. Maybe I'll get to shoot a few of those too, that'd be cool. I found out Amanda slept with Chris. CAN'T TRUST FUCKING WOMEN!!! Poor Nate, he thought he could. If anything happens between here and May with any chick it's for sex only. I don't need anything complicating things. My hand keeps me pretty satisfied as of now...mental note...have not jacked off in three days! Anyways, Rory was cool. I'm grounded though for not calling; but they bought my whole "I must've eaten bad food" gig.  This thing has like melted us together. We will take our last breaths in front of one another. It's weird to think our mothers were there for our first ones, and now we're leaving them. I enjoyed getting drunk though. I love that touch of non reality. It's a trip. It's getting to where I hate almost everything that everyone else stands for, you know I do, if you can't see things my way, then I have no practical use for yah. I hear people talking at work, and I'm thinking, "is this all your life is, this meaningless bullshit?" I don't get it. People will say "They had such futures ahead of them." Bullshit!!! What, to work, have kids that will hate me, pay bills, end up hating my wife, go to church to be lied to and judged, grow old, wear diapers, have my kids put me in a nursing home so someone who could give a shit less can wipe my ass and feed me, let me make myself clear...NO THANX!!! Well I think I need to go masturbate since I'm A=grounded and B=have no girlfriend and C=don't have to go to work today and have nothing better to do with my time. Paul_

Later that afternoon Nate sat at his computer and was thinking of the conversation that had transpired between he and Paul. His mind was a blank slate to anything else. He typed his last name on the screen. _Durham_ = _death, doom, human destruction, defecation, disease, demolish, determined, detrimental, disposed, degraded, deprived, depressed...done._ He took a long look at his list. He crossed his arms and sulked for a moment, then began typing.  _"I'm really going to die...this is it?  I will be dead in eleven months, I will be gone, and I will be no more. There will be no one in my room, no one driving my car, no one sitting in my place at the dinner table. I won't be in anymore family pictures."_  He continued typing. _"I won't see Beau grow up, this is my biggest regret....oh I forget Paul says there can be no regrets for we were meant for this purpose, which we were I know this now, but I still can't help myself, call me a weakling, no , call me human. I will never kiss my mom, my grandma, my cat, again. What will mom do with my bed? Who will look out my window? Who will make love to my girl? Hell will I ever make love to her, or will Chris just finish what he started."_ He looked at the screen a bit longer before turning the computer off all together. He saved what he had written. He knew he wanted to leave a note for his mom, maybe if he kept these bits and pieces he could put them together for a nice one. His eyes teared up then as he pushed himself away from the computer and grabbed his hidden leather bound journal from beneath his bed.

    The next couple days at work Nate wondered how he would go about talking to Amanda about the whole "Chris” business. It had really hurt his feelings, but did it really matter, he didn't have a future with this girl, he didn't have much of a future period, but he intensely wanted to know why he had been lied to. Paul had driven himself to work, for him and Rory had plans to go into the city afterwards. Nate was a little surprised at this but he didn't put too much thought to it. He knew the two had hit it off pretty well. Greg came in and told Nate to take a fifteen minute break and he was glad for he desperately wanted a cigarette. He was on his way out to the back of the restaurant when Paul caught him. "Hey my order came in for the powder and fuses. We probably need to get started on the pipes sometime this coming weekend." Paul informed him. "Ok, I won't make any plans for Saturday and we can get started then." Nate assured him. "How late are you staying here today?" Nate asked him. "I'm getting off around four, so I and Rory can head on into Cincinnati." Paul responded. "Cool, have fun; you have like ten minutes left." He turned and grabbed a cigarette out from under his apron and headed out the back door. It felt good to sit down and have a cigarette. He sat on a bucket which at one time had contained shredded cheese, but now they were used for smoke breaks. Nate looked down at his jeans which were covered in white thanks to the flour used to make the dough. He took a hard drag of his cigarette and thought about Amanda. It hurt him more than he wanted to admit. He then looked up and stared at the back of the other businesses on the other side of the shopping strip. He could hear people in the front of his building and he heard the sound of Paul's car taking off.

   He extinguished his cigarette and went into Greg's office to use the phone. He looked at the clock and realized he had five minutes left. He dialed Amanda's number and her mother answered. Amanda came to the phone. "Hey if you're not doing anything tonight, I really want to go somewhere, just driving around, if you want, we'll be by ourselves." He asked her. "I've got some stuff to finish up for my mom, housework and shit, but after that, about eight thirty; maybe you can come by for awhile or something. Her and my step dad are going to some meeting thing and it will just be me and Nikki here." Amanda offered. Nikki was her little half sister and she was only five and usually in bed by nine o'clock. "That sounds cool." Nate said. "My mom and him won't be home until around eleven or so." She added. "Ok, I got to go, I'll see you then." Nate hung the phone up anxious about what he was going to say to her, how he was going to ask her, what her response would be. He really didn't think Rory would lie about it, they were really good friends, and he knew it was trivial to some extent, he just had to know.


	8. The Unexpected Friend

   Paul reached Rory's house and was kind of nervous to see her. He hadn't seen her since they had gotten drunk together. He checked his hair in his rearview and got out of the car.   He barely made it to the door, and she opened it up. "Damn you got supersonic hearing or something?" He joked with her. "I heard you pull up, dork." She laughed. Paul looked her up and down as she walked in front of him to get in the car. She had tight black jeans on with her KMFDM t-shirt and her hair was French braided. She wore dark purple lipstick and dark eyeliner, big silver hoop earrings and her black Chuck Taylor’s. She had black nail polish on with a ton of rings, and a simple black watch. She was a tiny girl wearing a size two and standing only five three. Paul being only five eight he had a thing for girls that were shorter than him for so many of them were his height. Rory got in and put her seatbelt on. "You have insurance on this Honda?" She asked. He laughed. "Oh yeah, and I have to pay for it!" He exclaimed. "Drive safe and don't kill me, ok?" She said sarcastically. "I'll try my hardest." He said pulling out from her driveway. "I'm glad we made plans to do something while we are sober." She said. "Yeah this might actually be fun." Paul announced. "So how was work?" She asked. "Oh god, you sound like my mother." He sighed. "I've been doing a lot of thinking about the question you asked me about dying and stuff, and I think I've come up with a good answer. Here goes. We all are gonna die someday, right? Well if you were to commit suicide then the only thing you would be changing would be the time of death, you would be altering your destiny, right?" She began. “People alternate their destinies all the time, like choosing not to get married when the wedding is already planned, like having abortions, or adopting your children out. Getting divorced when you've been married for like thirty years...do you see where I'm going with this?" She continued. "Why does death have to be any different, shouldn't we be able to decide when we die, we pretty much decide everything else that is a life changing event, even if "god" didn't mean it that way." Rory finished. Paul thought about what she had said for a moment. "What about if you're murdered?" Paul asked her casually. "Then that is your fate, sometimes you get murdered because you make bad decisions, like piss someone off, or get into a fight when you could've walked away. But I believe most murders happen to innocent victims, which just happen to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. Look at all the kids that are kidnapped and killed...wrong place, wrong time." "See?" She asked him. "Yeah I see." He answered. "Do you think sometimes people are just begging for someone to fucking waste them?" He asked her seriously. She laughed, "Oh hell yeah!" Paul smiled at her sense of humor. "I think if I was going to die I would like to haunt someone I didn't like." Rory said laughing. "That'd be the shit!" Paul screamed. He thought for a moment, would he and Nate's spirits forever haunt the halls of Westvale? Would Paul's soul be trapped in those walls of smelly lockers and classes to be witness to the generations which followed him, so he could hear the folktales and falsehoods of the legacy that he and Nate had left behind, or would they tear down the school? He hadn't thought of these things until now.

   They pulled into the parking lot of the mall. They went in and went to the food court to grab a bite to eat. "Hey that gyro place is open." Rory exclaimed. "What the hell is a gyro anyway?" Paul asked. "Oh my god as smart as you are and you don't know what a gyro is? It's a Greek sandwich, steak, goat cheese, it's really good." She explained to him. He wasn't one for trying new things but he thought what the hell, and ordered one. They sat down to eat and Paul took his first bite. "This shit is good." He said chewing. "I told you so." Rory agreed. They finished eating and Paul thought about how different this girl was from Michelle, she was great, but he really didn't see her as girlfriend material. She was like the female version of him. They strolled around commenting on stores and people. "Look at all these fucking yuppies! Like clothes are gonna make you better or smarter or pretty. It's such shit! Oh don't talk to her she can't even fucking dress right...give me a fucking break!" Rory stated. "Amanda told me you guys get some real shit at Westvale, I have heard before that it was full of all kinds of preppy pricks and jocks and shit." Rory said turning to look at him. "Yeah, that's the just of it. You "inner city" kids have it different?" Paul asked her of her high school in Cincinnati. "Oh we have pricks, we just don't have as many Baptists." Rory said as they both laughed. "That's such shit...oh my god!"   Paul commented smiling and shaking his head. "Hey B&G Music!" Rory exclaimed. "What's your taste?" Paul asked her as they walked in the store. "Alternative, Industrial, techno...if it's good techno..Speed metal, you?" She asked turning towards him. "Ummm...about the same...we're gonna get along just fine." He commented. "What kind of music did your ex-girlfriend listen to?" Rory inquired.   "Shit, uh, country, easy listening...I tried to get her into my stuff but she wouldn't have any of it." Paul said thinking of Michelle for a moment and wondering what she was doing at that very moment. "She listened to that crap and you seriously thought that your relationship would last?" She asked him giggling. "I never said that I thought it was supposed to last, it's just that the sex was good...really good." He said blushing. "Hey if you're gonna do the deed it might as well be good, right?" She commented raising her hands beside her. He laughed at her honesty and her intelligence. She was the neatest person, besides Nate that he had met in a long time. They were in the music store for almost an hour just looking around and picking out disks and commenting on different songs they remembered for various reasons. Before they left Rory bought him a cd of a band she listened to that he had never heard of. "I promise you'll like it." She said to him. They then went to the candy store and Rory ran over to a big bin which held little wax bottle candy that was filled with liquid. "I love these things; I haven't seen them in forever! I used to drink the liquid then chew on the wax forever!" She recalled with excitement. "Yeah my dad used to get those for me when he'd be out on the road for business trips." Paul was remembering. Paul scooped up a bunch of them with the huge ladle that was available and put them into the bags they had in a roll on the side of the bin. He tied them up and handed them to her. "Thank you, that's really cool." She said sincerely. He put them on the scale and put the ticket on them and they continued looking around the store. Paul had never had much of a sweet tooth. He paid for the candy and they walked out of the store.

   Paul was enjoying her company more and more with each passing moment. He thought that this girl could really be a good friend to him after all. Since he and his best friend were going out together, maybe Nate had been right, maybe it would be nice to have someone miss him, someone that knew this side of him, someone who didn't see him as a cold blooded killer.

   They walked to the parking lot and found his car and got in. Rory was chewing on one of the candy bottles. "Hey can you come back to my house and maybe we can listen to this cd, yah think?" He asked her. "Well yeah, it's only eight and my parents give me until midnight so sure, yeah." She answered. "I like that idea. I'm not real good with parents, though, even my own." She warned him. "Neither am I." He said as he lit a cigarette. They drove to Paul's house and parked in front, for his dad had taken up the whole driveway with his pickup truck.

   They walked inside the front door with Rory following him. Paul had never brought home many people, especially a girl.  They knew of Michelle through Janice who had let them know that that is where Nate was at one night when they couldn't find them, for they weren't where they were supposed to be. Paul wanted to bring Rory home to show them that she was just a friend and nothing more, and plus that she was his age.

   Bill looked up from watching TV surprised when Paul walked in. Margaret was at the dining room table making out the bills. "Hey Paul who do you have here?" Paul couldn't believe the false tone in his dad's voice, it made him want to laugh. "Rory, this is my dad." Margaret walked in the living room checking Rory out fully from head to toe. "That's a pretty name, Rory." Margaret managed wanting to make a comment about her attire and make up but knowing not to. "It's nice to meet you guys." Rory said pleasingly. Paul was more than embarrassed he was petrified. "Ok, well we're going to the basement." Paul announced. "Why don't you and your friend stay in here and visit for a while." Margaret suggested. "We always like to get to know Paul's friends." She added. Bill could sense his son's embarrassment, but Margaret was sincere. She had never met a girlfriend of her son's. She had always been curious as to what kind of girl would be attracted to her son. She wasn't terribly impressed but then they were still teenagers. "Rory would you like something to drink?" Margaret asked. "Oh I don't know, anything, it really doesn't matter, whatever Paul likes to drink will be fine." She answered. Margaret wasn't expecting that kind of answer and sensing that, Bill wanted to laugh. Bill stayed in the living room and the two sat down on the end of the couch across from where he was sitting. Margaret brought them both something to drink. "Where do you go to school?" Margaret asked Rory. "East side, it's in the city." She answered politely taking a sip of her soda. "Do you live in the city?" Margaret inquired. "Well, not in the heart, but enough not to go to a suburb school." She answered. "So how did you guys meet?" Margaret asked looking at Paul. "Through Nate's girlfriend." Paul answered. "I didn't know Nate had a girlfriend." Margaret said raising her eyebrows. "Oh, I'm not Paul's girlfriend, I mean, I'm a girl and I'm his friend..." She said turning to Paul. "We're not together mom, so you can put the bridal magazine away." Paul said at the peak of humiliation. Bill chuckled. "Margaret we need to sit down and go over the home equity stuff and I'm sure these two have a game or a cd to attend to." Bill assured her. "Come on, let's go." Paul said smiling at Rory. "The Spanish inquisition is over." He said wanting to laugh.

   As the two headed down to the basement Bill walked over to the table where his wife was seated. "Why did you do that to the kid?" He said teasing her. "We're not on an episode of "Leave it to Beaver". He laughed. "I'm glad she's not his girlfriend, where are her parents, she looks like a two bit prostitute." Margaret said quietly. "Babe, she's just a kid, look at how Paul dresses." Bill stated. "They’re just going through a phase, I think she's kind of cute." He said still laughing. "You would." Margaret said joking around with him about his taste in women. "Anyway they are gonna be seniors in high school next year when are the "phases" going to phase out?" She thought about this for a moment, maybe her son wasn't as mature as she would've liked for him to have been.

    "I have this cd." Rory announced pulling out a Nine Inch Nails cd out of his cd rack. As she pulled another one out a small cylinder object was behind it and fell to the floor. Rory picked it up and looked at it carefully. "Paul?" She said holding the object between her forefinger and thumb. "Shit give me that, I forgot I had hidden that one there." Paul said grabbing it from her. "It's just a small something." Paul explained. "Oh just a small one!" Rory exclaimed. "What the hell Paul?" She asked him. "You know about three parts gunpowder, a couple parts shrapnel, mostly broken up nails and such and the top, if hit hard enough, I cover with pop can aluminum, it will explode." Paul finished looking at one of his inventions proudly. "Ok Paul you have more serious issues than I was aware of." Rory proclaimed. "I don't have issues, I have interests." He said defending himself. "Just where are you planning to use that thing?" She asked him with a look of disbelief on her face. "God you act like you just found crack cocaine or something!" He said. "I don't know, me and Nate do it for fun." He said answering her question. "Like the guns, Amanda told me all about that. It's hard for me to picture you shooting a gun." She said to him. "Well then you'll just have to come along sometime." He retorted. "No, they make me uncomfortable, really." She said in a serious tone. He respected this and tried to change the subject. "Well, Amanda says a lot of things, yet she can't even tell her own boyfriend that she has had sex before." Paul said. "She has not told Nate about Chris?" Rory asked shocked. "No, and Chris and him are friends, so it's kind of an awkward situation." Paul explained. "That's seriously fucked up." Rory laughed. "Do you want to have sex, you and me?" Rory asked him point blank. Paul was taken aback by the question she had just so matter of fact asked him. "No, you're my friend, but I don't wish to have sex with you." Paul answered. "Ok, I just thought I would ask, we could still be friends and shit, but that's cool." She stated smiling at him. He was shocked, just as he had been a few nights before when they had kissed. Paul put the cd on, and Rory grabbed one of his yearbooks and they started talking about kids they knew. Paul showed her pictures of the ones he hated and told her stories of things they had done to them and vice versa. She was well entertained.

   Nate showed up at Amanda's as they had planned. She opened the door and wasn't wearing anything but an oversized t-shirt with a kitten on it, and a pair of really short cotton shorts. The house was dark except for the TV. "Nikki just went to bed like five minutes ago." She told him. "Do you want something to eat, drink; my step dad has beers, want one?" She asked. "No, I'm cool." He said sitting on the sofa crossing his arms. She knew right away something wasn't right with him but she didn't know what. She came and sat beside him and tried to turn his head to kiss him, but he pulled away from her. "Nate, what's wrong?" She asked worried then. He looked at her sincerely then and just came right out and asked her. "Why did you lie to me, Amanda?" She knew what he was referring to, so she didn't even try to play dumb. "I didn't do it to hurt you, that's for sure." She started to explain. "It was a mistake, and I swore Chris to secrecy, it only happened like three times, and that was all he wanted from me, and it was stupid, I regret it, and I didn't want you to think bad things about me, or want only that also." She said feeling tears swelling up in her eyes. "I'm really sorry, Nate, really." She said touching his arm. He didn't say anything but just sat there and glared at the television. She didn't know what else to say to him at that point, for she knew he was hurt and angry, and she didn't blame him. "I guess I wanted to be your first." He couldn't believe how honest he had just been. He felt sometimes it didn't matter, but in some aspects it did. "But I've thought a lot about this, I mean, I'm no virgin, I'm not some sex god, but I have been with a girl once. It was stupid, but it was, yah know?" He felt as if he was sinking into the sofa. "I just know it would be different with someone I care about, like you." He said feeling his face get warm. "I know exactly what you mean." She answered. "So I guess I'm sorry for being so mad." He added. "Well, you had a right to be, for you were honest with me." She answered. "I don't know Amanda, I'm a real messed up person right now." He said to her. "What do you mean?" She asked him. "I've been real depressed, hell for probably a long time now, I just recently put my finger on it, and maybe we should cool it for a little while." He couldn't believe he had just said those words to her. "I don't want to break up; I just need some time to myself." He finished and waited for her response. He also knew that he couldn't go on buying guns, planning murders, and his own suicide in good conscience with the feelings he had for her. He needed to back away from her for a while to get his footing back and start preparing more for he and Paul's grand finale as Paul had been nagging him about. She started to cry softly and said to him, "Well, if that's what you need, then that's what you need. I do love you Nate. I don't want you to leave here not knowing that." She added. He thought for a moment that she wasn't aware of the extent to which he was leaving. He looked at her then, shaking slightly. "I know you do, Amanda." It was one of those moments that got frozen in time, like getting a Christmas gift you had really wanted when you were a kid. "I need to go." He said to her. They both stood up as Nate walked for the door. Amanda started crying harder and she stood on her tip toes as she reached up and hugged onto him tightly. "I will miss you, Nathaniel, and I'll be waiting right here, when you are ready, ok?" He was standing on the porch and he turned to see her. "Ok." With that he went and got in his car and cried all the way home screaming to himself and pounding his steering wheel. He wondered why he couldn’t be a different person, a person that wanted all of this, a girlfriend, college, marriage, a future. How had dying become the only answer, why didn't he care to ask for help? It was because of all the hate, the hate that was starting to give him this energy as it had Paul. He was feeding off of it also now, and he couldn't believe it sometimes, yet it made him excited to think about helping Paul actually kill other human beings, and this was what he mostly couldn't understand, his craving for this kind of deviancy.

    Nate didn't feel much like going home; he just didn't feel like being alone, so he thought he would see what his chances were that Paul was home. Margaret answered the door and was surprised to see him there. "Nate it's getting kind of late...are you ok?" She asked him noticing his bloodshot eyes. "I'll be ok, is Paul around? I didn't know if he was driving or Rory was picking him up or what." He said looking back towards Paul's car. "They are in Paul's room, hon.” She said looking off towards the basement. Nate started for Paul's room and knocked on the door. "Enter!" Paul yelled. Nate walked in. "Hey, didn't think I would see you." Rory said to Nate.  Paul and Rory were sitting in front of Paul's computer going over his new game levels. "Everything is fucked, yah know?" Nate said taking a seat on the edge of the bed by the desk and putting his hands on either side of his head.   "Paul where's the powder room?" Rory asked him sensing that the two boys needed to be alone. "Two doors to your right at the top of the stairs." He answered as she stood to leave. Rory quietly closed the door and left them alone. "Having fun?" Nate asked. "Yeah, I guess, you?" Paul asked him. "This shit has gotta go. I'm ready man." Nate said whispering. "I know I'm ready too." Paul said in a low voice. "I've ordered some more cartridges and shells and stuff. In about two months I'll have enough money for that gun, it's coming together, we're both getting to be a really good shot...I look at how I tear up those targets and imagine the brains that I will be looking at. Ok I'm sorry I'll come back down to Earth for a bit." Paul said smiling. "I broke up with Amanda, well, not broke up, just taking a break, for the rest of the summer, I think." Nate stated changing the subject. "What the hell, that wasn't part of your plan." Paul said curiously. "We have got to get this fucking ball in full swing Paul." Nate said looking at him hard. "Gotcha." Paul answered sternly. Rory came back into the room and they changed the subject once again, even though she could tell Nate was still visibly upset, she couldn't make sense of any of it but had a gut feeling it was over her best friend.

   A month went by and school would be starting back soon and Nate and Paul had completed a pretty extensive collection of pipe bombs and even a couple small practice propane bombs, which Nate had wired himself. "I hope the mother fuckers go off like they are supposed to." Nate said agitated after completing one. "Well, if they don't, you can just shoot it and it will." Paul laughed. Nate had only talked to Amanda a couple of times since they had split up. Their conversations were brief and usually both parties avoided what the other one really wanted to say.

   The twentieth of August came upon Paul quickly. He awoke on this date and realized that this would be the last birthday he would ever celebrate. He laid in his bed and thought about all the birthdays he had celebrated, all the cakes his mother had decorated by hand, all the bikes his dad had put together, the time they gave him a surprise party when he had turned fourteen and Nate and Janice had come to pick him up so everyone could gather at his house. He thought of how simple life was then, and how quickly it was coming to an end. They hadn't really made plans this year, and he hadn't really had a party for his birthday since he was fourteen. He had to be at work by ten thirty. He looked over at his clock and realized he had an hour or so before he had to be there.

  He got up and showered and dressed in his Hilltop polo and his khaki shorts and went into the front room. Both his parents had already left for work and sitting on the dining room table was a big, square box wrapped in blue paper. He reached for the card that lay atop of it, which read on the front, _From Mom and Dad._ He opened the card and his mother had written him a short line which read: _Son, I can't believe eighteen years ago today I gave birth to you. The time sure has flown. You are so much a man now; we love you, mom and dad._ He felt a pain in his chest he couldn't describe upon reading this. He tore into the blue paper as if he was eight instead of eighteen. He was really surprised. Some time ago he had said how he would love to have a video camera to record stuff and edit it on his computer. There it was in his hands. He smiled to himself as he took it from the box. He grabbed the instructions and warranty papers to it, so he could show Nate, and shoved them into the back pocket of his shorts. The phone began ringing at that moment. "Hello?" Paul answered it. "Hey Paul, mom said you had to be at work before eleven so I wanted to give you a quick call to say happy birthday." Casey's voice sounded distant on the phone. They hadn't spoken since Casey had called on Christmas. "Thanks." Was all Paul could manage. "It's like what nine o'clock almost out there? How's Tasha?" Paul asked the general question. "She's great. Listen, I was talking to mom and she said you didn't have any definite plans for next year after high school, so I was wondering if you wanted to come out and stay for a couple of weeks and hang out. There's a lot of kick ass things to do and check-out here, I think you'd enjoy it, catch up on lost time of sorts, yah know?" "I don't know really what I'll be doing." Paul answered seriously. "But it was really cool, Casey for you to offer me this." Paul said looking at the floor. "I'll buy your tickets and stuff, think about it anyway, ok?" Casey asked him sincerely. "Yeah, I will, man, thanks for calling me, I'm gonna be late though if I don't go." Paul explained to him. "I got yah, we'll talk more later." Casey assured him. "Sure...bye Casey." Paul answered. Paul didn't really know if he had meant it or was he just making conversation knowing that Paul wouldn't come. _Did I just talk to my brother for the last time?...no there was another Christmas coming up."_   he thought with a smile on his face. He grabbed his keys and his sunglasses and headed out of the door.

   That night after he had told his parents thank you for the gift and they sat and chatted for a while, Paul sat on his bed tearing into another piece of cake his mom had baked him and wrote this entry into the rant and death log.

 

_You who don't know me will. You will know my name and you will never forget it.   I will be the reason you can't sleep at night, and the reason you take Prozac. My face will haunt you for the rest of your lives. Am I above some form of human reasoning that gives me the strength to decide the fate of so many others? I will decide that. There are so many that need to die, including us, we need to die. We think evil and perverted thoughts; we are the children of a dark demented and torturous existence.   We live and survive everyday amongst you and you are so unaware, so naive. You don't realize it makes you the perfect victims. They will pity you; their hearts will bleed for you. We will be hated, we will be called Satan worshippers, which are a false statement, for I am here declaring I am an Atheist, I believe in neither. I am not prejudice. I will kill neither for color nor ethnicity. I do not kill because you are rich or poor or humble or proud, I kill because that is what I must do, I must take some with me. I will not apologize for this, and I will not further rationalize it.   I am a murderer. There have been so many before me but here is where we are different. I will end the torture; they will not get any answers out of me, for my hollowed head will have none to offer. The gun that will take my life will be at my side and my brains behind me.   Yet, I will be taking down innocent life, in the prime of their youth, they will all be innocent, and few will be aware of the torture set forth by those who are "innocent."   I have known this torture when they noticed I was different. My friendship which they could not accept, their hate of someone who may be more intellectual than themselves, a hate of someone who is more eccentric than themselves. They have tortured and ridiculed us as long as I will allow. THIS WILL STOP! It must stop, look at me, and look at what you have created.   They have told me the real world is different, this is not so. Look at the ads, look at your television and movies, magazines, it doesn't end, in fact it gets worse. I refuse to turn myself into something they want. I will make them pay for the outcast in me they have created. I'm only sorry for a few people, the people I understand, and the people who will understand why. Paul_

Nate and Paul got together that following Tuesday when they were both off of work. School was to start on Monday so they only had six days of freedom left in their last summer. Paul had recalled as a child how excited he had been at the beginning of the new school year. He remembered how his mom looked forward to taking him shopping for new supplies and clothes. He recalled the way the school felt smaller each passing year, the way the books smelled in the library after sitting on the shelves all summer long.  He remembered his first day at Bentley Junior High when he was in eighth grade. He was lost when the bus had dropped him off and he was getting frustrated as he couldn't find his way around this gigantic new school. He felt like crying but knew there would be none of that. The school hallways had felt like a maze he couldn't get out of. Miss Pitts had just come out of the bathroom and came up to him. "Yah lost sweetie?" She had asked him putting her hand on his backpack. "Uh, yeah. I'm supposed to be in a different part of the school. The AP part for accelerated kids, but none of these numbers match any of these rooms." Paul explained. "Oh hon, you're on the wrong floor. Go right to those stairs by the library and go up them, and that room (as she pointed on his schedule) will be the fourth one on your left, by the boy's restroom." She said sweetly, feeling sorry for him. "Thank you ma'am." Paul had answered in the manners his parents had tried so desperately to instill in him. He made it to Mr. Maxey's class and he, of course, was late. Mr. Maxey noticed him when he walked in the room. The whole class turned to face him. "And you are?" Mr. Maxey asked him. "I'm Paul Langley." He stated. "Well then Mr. Langley, why don't you come sit next to Mr. Durham." He explained. Paul looked at where he was pointing and he and Nate's eyes met for the first time. Nate pointed to the desk next to him and Paul made his way over. The two boys didn't say a word to each other in class, but when the bell rang for lunch Nate looked over at Paul and asked him who he was sitting with. "I don't know, I don't know anybody here, I just moved from a different district." Paul explained to him. "Well, you can sit with me if you want." Nate stated. "Your friends won't mind?" Paul asked him. "No I really don't have many friends, and the ones I have won't care." Nate said smiling at Paul. They sat through lunch and talked about the school where Paul had come from and he thought it was odd that Nate hadn't many friends when he had gone to school with most of these kids since kindergarten. They talked about the newest Nintendo games, and girls they thought were cute, and other boys they thought were dorks, and how much their parents embarrassed them, and Nate complained about what a pain his two year old brother was. They laughed and Nate helped Paul through his first nerve-wracking day at his new school. They would swap houses after school studying together, and playing games. They would spend the night with each other constantly, and call each other up on the phone just so they could watch a television program together. They kept in touch with each other over the summers and went on camping trips together, and went to the lake swimming and fishing when one of their fathers was available to take them. They started going to the mall to buy cd's and check out girls and play games in the arcade. Nate Durham and Paul Langley were inseparable. They were best friends and this had never changed.


	9. Armed to the Teeth

    "Oh my fucking Jesus that thing is the sweetest!" Nate exclaimed as Paul pulled the AR out from under its case. They had parked a few yards away from the road, and started walking down the embankment. This was their spot, away from civilization, deep in the woods, where they could shoot anything and not be heard. They had tested many a pipe bomb here. "Sunday night, before the first day of school I want to get that fucker Brach." Paul commented. "I want his new year to start off with a bang so to speak." Paul said glaring at the tree he was about to shoot at. Paul fired the weapon and it made him jump back a bit. "Damn this thing has some kick to it." Paul stated. Nate aimed the nine millimeter and fired hitting the tree. "Nice shot My Amigo!" Paul said in a fake Spanish accent. Nate blew the smoke from the top of his gun like they did in the movies and Paul laughed. "What do you wish to do to the prick?" Nate asked aiming again. "Oh not him, his fucking (he fired another round from the AR), his car." Paul continued. "Hey now the car didn't do anything to you." Nate said laughing. "Well, ok you talked me into it, damn I'm a pushover!" Nate said sarcastically as he reloaded his weapon. Paul laughed as he rested the gun on his shoulders. "That poor car is gonna look like Bonnie and Clyde were driving it when I get done with it." Paul stated as he put the rifle down, and grabbed the sawed off Winchester. Nate grabbed the AR and made a few shots with it. "Too bad I didn't pay half of this one, I love it." Nate stated excitedly. "Well, what are friends for?" Paul said laughing.

   They finished shooting and had promised Chris and Bruce they would meet at Chris's house to hang out. Chris's parents were spending a few weeks at their time share which meant Chris had the run of the house. They got to his house and to the surprise of them both, Rory and Amanda and their friend Jennifer were there. Bruce was trying to hit on Rory and she was getting annoyed. She saw Paul and went over to him and asked for a cigarette. Nate sat down at the breakfast nook table not saying a word to Amanda but wondering why she was sitting next to Chris on the couch. She didn't talk to him either, nor did she look his way. Paul and Rory stepped outside on the deck. "Fucking Bruce thinks I'm gonna give him pussy or something." Rory exclaimed lighting her cigarette. "He's kind of an idiot." Paul stated. "He thinks he's fucking Rambo when it comes to weapons." Paul said with a snicker. "I don't like him, and I'm sure as hell not going to fuck him!" She said almost yelling. "Hey, they have neighbors." Paul said politely trying to calm her. Chris wanted me to bring Amanda over here probably thinking he could get a piece also but she's not interested." Rory said matter of fact. "She must be still pissed at Nate, she didn't even look at him." Paul commented on her actions. "She's in love with Nate, she misses him something fierce, she's never had a guy respect her like that, or so she told me." Rory stated. Paul didn't know what to say to that statement. He knew that if Nate took things too serious with her, and then when he died, they really would have had and innocent victim. But Rory, and all of their friends for that matter, could be considered innocent victims. The police were going to tear them all apart, Paul knew this, and Bruce and Chris may even be looking at Prison sentences for the sale of illegal weapons to a minor. Nate had laughed at this once.

   Paul and Rory stayed on the deck for almost ten minutes finishing their cigarettes, while inside the tension was thickening in the room before Chris finally broke the silence with Nate. "Hey you think you'll get Deegan again?" Chris asked him of his Creative writing teacher. "Hell, I hope not, I was hoping I might get Powell, I heard she's not a jock lover." Nate stated. Amanda kind of chuckled at this not looking at Nate, but he noticed her smile. Chris looked at her for a moment. "I've got to go to the John." Bruce said from where he was laying on the floor. He got up and made his way to the bathroom. "Hey I see that glove on your left hand there, yah been target practicing?" Chris asked. "Yeah, just for a few, earlier this afternoon." Nate answered. "You think you two were going to war the way you all practice." Chris said laughing. "Well… never mind." Nate said with a sneer. Amanda looked at him then and asked him the first thing that came to mind. "How's Beau?" She asked. "He's great, he just turned eight like four days ago, and his birthday is right after Paul's." "I think I will retire to the deck to have a smoke with the two." Chris said then. Nate didn't move. Bruce came out from the bathroom and went out to join them. Jennifer came in from the garage where she had been smoking a joint and said hello to Amanda and also went to have a seat on the deck closing the sliding glass door behind her. Nate and Amanda were alone now, for the first time in almost two months. "Amanda I'm really sorry for spazing out on you." Nate stated as he looked at tiles of the kitchen floor. "I accept that, but it doesn't make up for the fact that I just don't think we belong together, it's as if every time we started getting really comfortable, you'd push me away." She said wiping away a tear then.

   She got up from the couch and put her sandals back on her feet. She didn't walk to the deck she started for the hallway. "Nate, come here." She said softly. He got up from the table not knowing really what to think of her actions. She walked to the end of the hallway and opened up a door, Nate knew it was the bedroom of Chris's parents. She reached behind him, once they were in and closed the door. She went and sat on the bed and patted the spot beside her wanting him to come sit there. They both sat there for a moment before she spoke. "I liked you at first because I felt sorry for you, but once I got to know you, I wondered why I ever felt sorry for you, you were wonderful. You were the kind of boyfriend I always wanted. You were kind to me and respected me. I feel like shit for lying to you, and I know it doesn't make up for much, but I at least want to try. I didn't know if I was ever gonna talk to you again, but I promised myself that if I ever got the chance I would say this to you, so here goes. I'm always going to love you Nathaniel, and you don't have to love me back, we don't even have to be together, I just want to make sure you know where I stand. I miss you sometimes." She said starting to cry then. Nate couldn't bare to look at her, for he knew he was getting a glimpse of what this girl was going to go through once she found out he had died, and at that moment, for the first time in a long time, he felt sorry for someone. He wanted to tell her he loved her too, and reach out and hold her, but he couldn't let himself do that. "God Amanda, I really don't know what to say, I just know if we were to get back together, I would cause you more pain, and I don't want to do that." He explained being truthful. She put her hands up to her face over her eyes. What she asked him next shocked him. "Will you at least hold me again? Just one more time, let me feel that one more time." She almost pleaded with him. He knew then without a doubt his plan had worked. Amanda Beckwith was completely in love with him, yet now his plan was torturous. He wanted to take this girl in his arms so badly he could feel it with everything inside of him. His plan had backfired, for he was in love with her too. He just sort of moved away from her and started to get up to leave the room. "Nate please don't leave." Amanda asked of him. "Amanda I can't do this to you, I need some time, ok, damn it, I don't know what I'm doing." He said and walked out of the room.

   He went out on the deck and Chris looked at him with a curious stare. "Paul let's go, I need to go." Nate said hurriedly. "Oh, ok." Paul said putting his cigarette out. "Hey Paul, call me tonight." Rory said to him. "Sure thing." Paul answered. They reached Paul's car and got in. They drove for a moment before Paul asked him, "What the hell was that all about yah freakin' weirdo?" Paul started laughing then. "There's nothing funny asshole!" Nate screamed at him. "Ok, Bill, I'm fucking sorry!" Paul said sarcastically referring to his dad. "What the hell are we doing to our friends?" Nate asked him seriously. "Shit, Nate they'll be famous too. Who even gives a shit about Chris and Bruce they're just a couple of wannabees." Paul retorted. "None of them are gonna matter, Nate." Paul said laughing again. Nate started laughing then too. "Fuck, we are two insane mother fuckers." Nate said closing his eyes with his head tilted back against the head rest. "I can't wait to die and escape from all of this human bullshit garbage." Nate exclaimed.  "She's just fucking with your head, dude." Paul said of Amanda. "Why don't you just fucking lay her and be done with it...shit!" Paul stated. "I just can't do that like that!" Nate said pathetically. "Oh shit, here is the Hallmark son of a bitch back again." Paul said jokingly.

    Paul decided he and Nate would drive to school together on the first day. He picked up Nate a little early so they wouldn't waste time trying to find their classes after they picked up their schedules. Nate wore jeans with a button downed Henley shirt and Paul wore his KMFDM T-shirt that Rory had bought for him over the summer, with his black cargo pants and his sunglasses. The day before Paul had his dirty blonde hair cut short, yet Nate had let his grow out some more over the summer. It was just to his shoulders and Janice had begged him to get it cut but he had refused. He pulled it back up under his baseball cap he wore backwards with his sunglasses. They both donned the new pairs of combat boots they had purchased at the army surplus along with some of their weaponry. Paul hadn't seen anyone he knew. Freshman were picking up their schedules and looking the school over and finding their way around. It was a welcoming site in a way to not see anyone they knew. Down the hallway Nate caught the glimpse of someone he did know, Amanda. He looked away almost as soon as he saw her. She hadn't noticed him, she was all alone, and kept on going in the opposite direction. Nate breathed a small sigh of relief. "Same shit different day." Paul commented. "Oh yeah." Nate said. Just then a bumbling freshman ran into Paul. "Crap, I'm sorry man." The kid replied. Paul took him and pushed him up against the locker on the wall opposite him. "Don't let it happen again shitbag." Paul said glaring a malicious smile as they stood face to face. "Whatever, I'm fucking sorry." The kid said regretfully. Nate started laughing as the kid took off. "And that's how it's done." Paul said looking at Nate. "Let's see I have that asshole Collins first hour. Oh yeah this should be fun, he's a fucking coach. Maybe I'll try to find out which cheerleader he's fucking." Paul laughed. "Boy you're on some kind of roll." Nate replied. "Hey, I hate this place and in case you forget I'll say it again, I hate this fucking place!" Paul said loudly. "I have Ramirez again for chemistry first period, she's ok, and she’s real quiet, get down to business kind of teacher." Nate stated. "There's my favorite dipshits!" They heard Chris's voice come up from behind them. "Hey Nate who do you have for first?" Chris asked. "Ramirez." Nate replied. "Shit, me too, I'll see yah there." Chris said as he ducked into the men's restroom. "Great." Nate said almost under his breath. "Well I have arrived." Paul said as they came to Paul's new first hour. Paul leaned over into his friend and Nate ducked his head to hear what Paul had to say. "Just think, in eight months most of these people will be dead, just something to think about if you start having a bad day." Paul said to him smiling. Nate just smiled and saluted his friend good bye.

   They met for lunch in the usual manner and were thankful they still shared the same lunch period. "Mickey D's sounds good to me." Nate said referring to McDonalds. "Sure, I can do that." Paul stated. They jumped in the car and lit their usual cigarette and smoked the first half on the way to the restaurant, extinguishing them before they got out of the car. Paul looked in his rearview and noticed a familiar looking Camaro. "Shit, it’s Dave." Paul muttered. "You can't go around being afraid of him forever." Nate said calmly. "I'm not; I just don't want to eat around someone I plan on making fertilizer out of." Paul said seriously. "I mean it is kind of creepy, we are going to kill the guy, I mean we know his fate, and he doesn't." Paul said with a slight giggle. "Ah, he'll get over it, he's going to heaven, didn't you know, he's a "Christian athlete." Nate said making quotations with his fingers. "Shit, he's gonna burn in hell with us." Nate continued. "Probably, if there is a hell." Paul commented. "Oh believe me, there is and we're already in it." Nate said. "It's big Mac time amigo." Paul said. They walked casually into the restaurant and surveyed the seating for Dave and his friends. To their surprise he was with a girl other than Sarah and he didn't notice them or comment the whole time they were there. They were able to devour their lunch in peace. "Well, it looks like you weren't the only one who had romance trouble this summer." Paul commented as they watched Dave try his best to flirt with the unknown girl. "She must be a sophomore." Nate observed. "I don't know where he would have picked her up at." Paul continued. They both sat there watching Dave and chewing their food as if studying their prey. They finished and exited the restaurant. They finished their cigarettes and went back into Westvale.

   Nate quickly looked at his schedule to make sure he had remembered his fifth period correctly. He walked into Mr. Edgler's physiology class and glanced around for a seat. There she was, in the back of the class with her head on her desk looking out the window. Her legs were folded under her.   There was an empty seat to the front and either side of her. She was alone. Nate didn't know if it would be a good idea to go and sit near Amanda or not. She looked so lonely and so lost just sitting there staring. He was frozen. She suddenly looked up and saw him. He thought she might look away out of disgust for him; instead she just smiled that forgiving smile. Their eyes locked at that moment. He couldn't help it; he was drawn to this girl. He went and sat down in front of her. "Thank you, Nate. I don't know anybody in here." She said quietly. "Don't mention it." He answered. Mr. Edgler went over his basic rules and guidelines for his class that first day and while Nate sat there bored and uninterested he could sense her behind him, he could smell her. He remembered that smell, that great smell of her hair when her head was buried in his chest and he would give her a quick kiss on the top of her head. The memory of the lake struck him then and he snapped out of it when the bell rang. "See yah." Amanda said as she grabbed her books and her purse and walked out of the room. That was it, they were over.

  He walked on down the hall behind her and watched her as if she were the only person in the crowded hallway. He already missed her, but he knew that it was too late to tell her. A part of him wished, at that moment, that he could melt into the floor and become invisible. He had had what he had always wanted, and had sent it away.

   The Ohio September evenings were already getting cooler and the rain began to fall. It was almost October and the rain pounded outside Nate's window and sounded like it might take the roof down with it. He sat at his computer finishing up his video game with Paul and logged off. He slipped out of his shirt and turned the small lamp on his computer desk on before he lay down. He had no plans for the next day being that it was a Saturday and he knew it was getting late. He lay in bed and thought about Amanda. They hadn't talked much in class and he thought when he overheard one of her conversations with Jennifer in the hallway, that she was seeing someone. Earlier that day Paul had given him extensive diagrams of where surveillance cameras were in the cafeteria. He had spent lunch one day on campus with Nate going over these details as they ate and nonchalantly looked around the ceilings. "Does it really matter that we take them out, I mean we're gonna be dead, and they will already know that we did it." Nate questioned his friend's motives. "No, see, we want them to see, it will be more entertaining that way." Paul laughed being completely serious. Nate had agreed. Nate jumped from his thoughts then as the phone rang. He heard his mother pick it up in the living room where she was up watching some old movie with Jack Lemmon in it. He heard her say hello twice, so he picked up his line. He heard someone breathing on the other line. "Hello?" Nate said. "Nate, can you come get me?" He heard Amanda say. "Where the hell are you at?" He asked her. "Nate it's raining awfully hard and it's getting late, do your parents know where you are at?" Janice intervened on the other line. "I can't...Nate?" She asked crying then. "I'll be there, where are you at?" He asked as he heard Janice hang up the other phone. "I'm at Chris's house there's a party here, Bruce's party, I didn't have anyone else to call. I'm so sorry." She stated. "I'll be there in five." Nate said hanging up the phone. He grabbed his shirt and his boots and quickly laced them up his calf. He grabbed his hat and trench coat and made his way into the living room. "Nate if she's in some kind of trouble, I don't like this, she's not your responsibility." Janice warned. "I guess I should've never gotten you a phone in your room." Janice continued. "Oh my god mom, don’t start!" Nate yelled. "I'm going that's that, case closed." He finished. "I'm going to bed; I've had enough of this." Janice said agitated and tired. "I haven't given you anything." He stated as he opened the front door. Nate shrugged off his mother's indifference. She and Howard's divorce had become final the day before and she had been moping around the house in mourning of a failed marriage. He recalled then what he had said to Paul earlier in the day. "Yeah, she even had to take a whole damn week of vacation to feel sorry for herself." Nate said of his mother's despair.

   On the way to Buxley Street the rain was fierce and was coming down in sheets. Nate found it hard to see but managed. He reached Chris's house where there was at least five other cars parked in the driveway and around the house in the street. He got out and walked up the yard being drenched before he even reached the front door. He rang the doorbell shivering. Jennifer came to the door. "Hey Nate, what yah know?" A very stoned Jennifer asked him. Amanda came from out of the kitchen and he could tell she had been crying some more after they had spoken. "Get your jacket and let's get the hell out of here." Nate turned and to his surprise he saw Nick Kessler sitting on the couch next to Bruce. He just shook his head and pretended that he hadn't seen him. He was confused at what Nick was doing there. This cluttered his mind for a moment before Amanda came over closer to him. "I don't have a jacket." She said wearily. He took off the soaked trench coat and put it around her. All he had on underneath was the under shirt he was going to wear to bed. "Nate why are you in such a fucking hurry?" Nick Kessler asked then, noticing him. "I don't have time to even wonder why you are here." Nate answered the very drunk Kessler. It was as if the whole room had a silence that came across it then. Nate surveyed the room for a quick second. Some of these kids he didn't even know and had never seen before. "What?" Nick asked him. "You heard me you unbelievable prick, what the fuck are you doing here? You certainly can't stand any of us!" Nate found himself yelling. "Yeah, that might be true, but the weed is good." Nick said smiling. "You better just make your exit." Kessler announced to everyone in the room. "He came with me, you asshole!" The voice came from some heavy set mousy brown headed girl that came in the room from the deck just then with Chris. "Nate just leave man, they are all just fucking wasted, it's gotten a little out of hand." Chris assured coming over to him. "No, you know what Chris fuck you too, fuck all of you!" Nate screamed. He had never felt as powerful as he was at that moment. All eyes in the room were on him. He then heard Amanda sobbing as she stood by the front door in the entryway. Chris couldn't believe his friend just then, he had never seen Nate stand up for himself, in a sense it was a welcoming site, in another it was downright eerie. It was a side to him they had never seen. He turned then to make his exit and put his hand on Amanda's back. "Yeah just go home and fuck Paul some more, I bet that little tight ass really gets you off well." Nick said beginning to laugh. Nate snapped and hurriedly walked over to the couch where Kessler was seated. No one moved. Nate pushed him as hard as he could off the side of the couch in the chest and he landed on the floor. "Mother fucker!" Nick said getting to his feet. He came at Nate from behind as Nate once again tried to leave. Nate suddenly turned and reached up under his shirt in the back of his jeans. He pulled out the nine millimeter, and Nick screamed. "Fuck, what the hell Nate?" Was all that Nick could mutter as he instinctively put his hands in the air. Nate pulled the trigger and stuck the gun to Nick's chest. "I didn't want to do this tonight." Nate said with a smile. For a second he thought he must be dreaming. "Nate, don't do this! My God Nate let's just get out of here! Please!" A terrified Amanda was yelling and trying to reason with him. It was as if everyone in the room had stopped moving and breathing. A couple of seconds went by and Nate pulled his finger off the trigger, hit the safety, and put the gun back into the rear of his pants. He was thin enough the gun fit snugly without causing him much discomfort though he had realized it had made driving difficult. He laughed at this thought for a second he was amazed at how he was able to rationalize something so irrational. "I'm just kidding...can't believe you pussies are scared of an air soft." He said smiling at his incredible lie. "Have a wonderful rest of the evening." He said to everyone in the room. Chris didn't know to laugh or panic as his friend made his way to the door to comfort Amanda.

   "Nate, oh my god, Nate." Amanda said as she made her way down the yard towards his car. He got her in the car and he went around and got in. He lit a cigarette he pulled from the glove compartment and handed it to her. He turned on the heater in the car, as now both of them were soaked and shivering. "I'm sorry you had to see that." Nate softly apologized. "Fuck you! I know it's a real gun! What the hell did you even have it for?" She demanded screaming at him. "I didn't know what kind of trouble you were in, I promise, that's all." He said quietly. A few minutes went by and Nate really didn't even know where he was driving; they just drove around for a moment not thinking or speaking. "It was kind of funny; you should've seen his face." She said snickering. "I did, it was glorious." Nate said softly but with sincerity. "So would you mind telling me what the hell you were doing there and what was wrong?" Me and Jennifer got into this fight, and then her other friend Kelli showed up and they were all standing around calling me a whore and a bitch and Kelli was screaming at me that I was fucking her boyfriend, then they all just went out onto the deck to get stoned. Chris didn't even come to see if I was alright, or tell them to stop or take up for me or nothing." She said. "I did go out with the girl's boyfriend, but I didn't know they were together, I can't help the guy is a cheat. I didn't like him anyway, he was way too yuppie for my taste." She explained. Nate laughed then for she was using Paul's terminology. "Chris had picked me up and when I asked him to take me home he refused saying that he couldn't leave a bunch of strangers in his house, which I could understand and all, and Rory is out with some guy, they went to some concert." She finished. "Well, do you want to go home, do you need anything?" A moment passed before she answered him. "I need you, Nate." She said softly looking at him. He grabbed her hand and held it the rest of the way to her house.

   Nate pulled up in front of Amanda's house and they both just sat there in the car listening to the windshield wipers and the rain, which had almost stopped. "Thank you for coming and getting me, Nate, I really appreciate it." Amanda said softly. "Don't mention it." Nate answered her. "I better get inside, I'm really tired and I just want to forget about tonight. Promise me one thing Nate, that you'll stop carrying that gun around. You're gonna get in trouble or worse." She said sincerely. "Don't worry about me, I'm not gonna get in any kind of trouble, shoot most of them were so drunk or stoned they didn't know what happened or they won't remember it." He said smiling. "I don't mean just with them, in general, you really scared me, and that's the truth." She said not smiling then. "I'll think about it." He said sarcastically. "Nathaniel Durham you are truly damned impossible, but thank you again." She finished as she got out from the car and walked up to her door. She stepped on the porch and waved him goodbye. He drove back home and thought for a moment how nice it was to have her scent back in his vehicle.

   "What in the fuck were you possibly thinking?" Paul yelled at him in the car the following Monday. "You are gonna get us found out, is that what you fucking want?" "Jesus Christ! I can't believe you fucking did that!" Paul was busy balling him out over threatening Nick Kessler with the gun. Nate had thought Paul would think it was funny, but he thought quite the opposite. "Shit, it was not planned; I panicked when I heard Amanda on the phone crying and shit." Nate explained. "Here we go with the Amanda shit again, when are you gonna forget that little whore?" Paul demanded. "She's not a whore! We're not together! What the hell is your problem this morning...I told them it was a fucking air soft!" Nate yelled back at him. "You can't go around letting everyone know you have a gun, what are gonna be our repercussions now, when we step foot in there?" He excitedly said looking towards the school. "Well hell it can't be any worse than it already has been in the past." Nate laughed. "You know I'm glad you feel this is so damned funny! I don't understand you.” Paul said with frustration. “You should think this is hilarious." Nate said seriously. "Well, I flippin' don't." Paul said then in monotone. Paul pointed his finger in Nate's face and said to him as his face turned red. "Listen here bastard, if you ruin this for us, me, I will kill you myself, got it?" "Paul, get the fuck off of me, you would've done the same thing..." Nate began. "Blah fucking blah fucking blah.......are you finished?" Paul retorted. "Not for some broad I wouldn't have!" Paul got out of the car and slammed the door. Just to add to Paul's frustration the rumor had already spread.

   There were rumors that the police had been notified by the Kessler’s and that Nate was in big trouble, but nothing happened to him that day, or to Paul. Neither of them were questioned or harassed by anyone. Paul's nerves were on end and without medication for almost a year now, it was pure hell. He had one panic attack after another that day. Two of his teachers had asked him if he was alright, and excused him to the restroom. He vomited after lunch, and when he returned home, he punched the back of his head until it hurt to see if it would make the anxiety go away. He finally lay on his bed and started crying.

   Nate called around five o'clock to see if he was coming to work, but Margaret had already called in for him. Nate felt terrible for making his friend upset the way he had. He didn't realize how much Paul's mental state had deteriorated. Nate got off work a little early for Mondays were slow at Hilltop and he went straight to the Langley residence. Margaret directed him to the basement and told him Paul must have the flu or some bug going around. He walked down the basement stairs just to find Paul sitting at his desk chair fooling around with his new video camera. He looked up and smiled at Nate as he entered the room. "See, this is no way to live. I don't want to continue any more like this." Paul began. "I didn't mean to scare you like that but everything is cool, just a bunch of rumors that's all." Nate assured him. "It wasn't you it was the fear of what they might do to us, and since no one is ever watching, I'm just so tired of being poked, prodded, beat up, humiliated." Paul said in a stern tone. "You know I have found that freedom, I'm not afraid anymore, I'm not afraid to murder anymore...it's just another human life, like mine. If I have no fear to take my own, which I don't, miracle I haven't before now, then how can I be afraid to take another?" Paul said smiling. "Shit, I realized that the other night when I had that thing pointed right at him." Nate continued. "Oh, by the way...your little propane bomb dream... went right into the fucking school library last Friday, looked it up, fucking amazing, I like it." Paul said with that malicious grin. "Good, I'm glad." Nate said smiling.

   Nate lay back on the bed and pulled a pocket knife out from a side pocket in his trench coat and started digging at his fingernails with it. Paul grabbed the camera and turned it on. He went and hovered over Nate. "Say cheese mother fucker." Paul asked him. "Cheese." Nate said with a fake smile. Paul then turned it off. "I've been thinking wouldn't this be a marvelous tool for the pigs to find, they will be sought after, videos made by us planning the massacre...fuck we will be stars." Paul said smiling widely. Nate raised up then. "We will put a face to hate, all of their unanswered questions, the perverted, the sick, the demented, and those seeking a sick thrill. Take snuff porn for example, brutal rape and murder of women...highly sought after, highly illegal, highly effective...every man has had a fantasy about taking a woman against her will, just as every man, at some time, has dreamed of killing someone that has severely wronged him. They will watch it time and time again to see if there was some clue they didn't see, we can say our goodbyes on them, leave our parents with at least something." "Imagine, kids will love it, kids who know how this is to live like this, they will plan their own revenges, we will have started a revolution of sorts...what you say Durham?" Paul finished. "You are a genius." Nate stated.

   Paul got up before his alarm to get ready for school. He rolled over and looked at his computer desk to see if Nate had sent him any e-mails. He still felt sick at his stomach. He lay there on his back after going ahead and turning off the alarm clock, and all kinds of thoughts raced through his head. Suddenly he couldn't think about anything else but Michelle. He marveled at how long it had actually been that he had sat and just thought about her, especially without hating her. He concluded that maybe he was finally over her, and he was glad. It was the first thing that had made him happy since his birthday. It was kind of sad though, just lying there remembering things she had said, and the way she had looked the last time he saw her, and for the first time in a long time he wondered what she was doing. Was she ok? Did she miss him? Did she have someone else? Was she married yet? They had been broken up three months short of a year. The last thing he had heard from her was the e-mail. He thought about e-mailing her but he just didn't have the energy. Why did he care so much, he guessed since it was nearing the time of his death, he thought about Michelle being the only woman he had had sex with and came close to ever loving, maybe he had loved her. He thought of how he felt the most hate for things he used to love when they went wrong, just as he had for living. He once loved it, yet it had gone terribly array, and there were just no more answers. He got out of bed and began getting ready for school. He opened up his underwear drawer and counted all of his untouched bottles of medication. He pushed them back into the farthest corner of the drawer and pulled a pair of underwear and socks out and started for his closet before going upstairs to shower.

   Nate waited for him in the parking lot as he finished his morning cigarette. He was facing the passenger side door with his back to the driver's side. There was suddenly a knock on the driver's side window that startled him. It was Amanda. He turned and rolled the window down a little more from what he already had it cracked open. "I didn't really know what to say to you yesterday, many reasons being, I'm sorry Nate. I can't believe all the rumors bouncing through this school. I know you would never really be able to kill someone, you're not like that, I know. In fact you are one of the most caring guys I know." She finished. As she rambled out something to say to him about the whole Nick Kessler incident, he was thinking to himself, _"Why don't you just tell me you want to get back together?  Why don't you just tell me of how you can't live without me and you want to come back to me and make powerful love, in fact why don't you just level with yourself and admit to me how you would like to be spread wide from behind and fucked ferociously?"_ Well, it's a nice fantasy anyway." He said answering her then. "What, killing someone?" She asked confused. "Yeah...you know someone who had caused you a great deal of shit." He said saving himself from embarrassment. "Well I have thought of hurting someone but not killing them." She laughed. "Do you want to get in?" He asked her. "Oh, I really need to get to Lowe’s; you know how she is when you're late." She said with a sigh. "Well see yah then." He said jokingly.   "Yeah, see yah Nate." She said looking at the ground heading for the main building.

   Nate waited a few more minutes before he saw Paul park behind him. Paul had a peculiar smile on his face. He came over and got into the car. "Give me a cigarette, please." He said with that same smile. "What on earth is up with you psychopath?" Nate asked him peculiarly. "Besides being horny, and hungry, and nicotine deprived, (as he took his first drag of the cigarette), I'm in quite a good mood today. I did some more extensive search on the computer last night about your propane bomb, I got to hand it to yah, that shit can cause some damage. I also found some things on making better fuses for the pipe bombs instead of the way I've been making them." Paul explained. "Yeah, hit and strike isn't going to cut the cake." Nate answered. "Yeah, I know shit for brains." Paul said laughing. Both of them laughed then. "I want to do the cafeteria in front of the camera, I want them to see me destroy a part of their most prized possession, their fucking stuck up school!" Paul shrilled. Nate sat back and enjoyed the show Paul could put on when he was excited about something. "I really would like to get laid just one more time before I go though." Paul said with a wine to his voice. "I don't even give a shit about that anymore." Nate said seriously. "Well for some reason I really wanna just bang someone, I want to ruin some girl, I'm really a fucking sick animal!" Paul belted out laughing taking another drag of his cigarette. "I plead the fifth on that one." Nate said with a smile on his face. "I woke up this morning and all I could think about was that bitch! That worthless, dirty little slut. She gave it to me then took it away and now the craving and withdrawals from pussy are almost more than I can bare." Paul said closing his eyes with that wine in his voice again. "You have rosy." Nate said laughing. "Hell, anymore of that shit and I'm gonna go blind!" Paul explained with excitement. "Ok, you sick fuck it's time to go in to Hell." Nate said seriously. Paul extinguished his cigarette and stepped out of the car. "Hey do you want to go off for lunch today?" Nate asked him. "Sure that could be cool." Paul answered him as they went their separate ways in the school.

   Amanda stood in the parking lot looking for Chris so she could have a ride home. She had taken her step dad’s car home at lunch and he had brought her back, for he needed to put it in the shop. She spotted Chris and ran over to him. "Hey, I need a lift guy!" She said to him. "Get in babe." Chris said to her. "Thanks Chris, I really didn't want to take the bus." She said out of breath. "Have you talked to Nate today?" He asked her. "Um...this morning for a minute or so, why?" She asked. "Nick Kessler is after them bad, they are planning something bad to do to them, him and Paul. I don't know to tell him or not, I mean that stunt he pulled this weekend was fucked up, and he could get me in a bunch of trouble for the guns and shit." He said with a worried tone to his voice. "Well, you shouldn't have given it to him." Amanda said sarcastically. "You know Paul is crazier than a shit house rat, the thought just scares me sometimes, but Bruce didn't care, it just meant more cash and more weed in his pockets." He explained. "Fucking loser." Amanda said of Bruce as she tucked her hair behind her ear. "Honestly, Amanda, I don't understand what the hell you see in Nate Durham." He added. "He's your friend; if it wasn't for you I would've never met him." She said surprised at Chris's statement. "Hey I know some of my friends are screwed in the head." He said with a snicker. "Nate is ok, he's great, he's just quiet because he's smart." "What the hell are Nick and Dave planning to do to them?" "I don't know, I really don't know, it just worries me." He said. "What the hell was that asshole doing at your house anyway? You know I wondered that myself, Nate wasn't the only one with that question." Amanda retorted. "Amy brought him, they get together just to smoke pot." He answered. "Kind of like how we used to get together just to screw." Amanda said sarcastically with hatred in her voice. "Something like that." Chris said with a real smart aleck tone to his voice. "You were fucking Nate too...that's ok though, that poor bastard needed to get his cherry popped." Chris said laughing. "FYI...we never have slept together. It was different with us. It was love or something." She answered then embarrassed. "Hell, I don't care about it Amanda!" Chris said raising his voice. "Then shut up!" She said. They reached her house much to her relief. She got out and slammed the door and walked up the yard to the porch. _"Slut."_ Chris said as he watched her open her front door and go in.

   She laid her books down on the bar by the kitchen, and hurried to her room. She dialed Rory's number. "Rory this is Amanda." She said excitedly when Rory answered. "Hey whatcha doin'?' She asked. "I'm really worried about Nate...Nick Kessler is planning to do something to him and Paul, probably beat the shit out of them." Amanda wanted to cry as she thought about that. The thought of Nate getting hurt made her feel a sharp pain in her chest. "Well, I’ll call Paul; he'll think of something...I don't know." Rory responded. "I need to go to Hilltop Pizza tonight, they're working tonight, their schedules changed after summer, they've been working more hours than they used to. I need to talk to him." Amanda explained. "Do you have the car?" Rory asked her. "Hell no, Barry took it to get it worked on and he doesn't get off work until eight, and I know my mom won't take me, she doesn't take me seriously, you know that." Amanda said. "Please come out and get me and take me, can you?" Amanda was almost pleading with her. "Yeah, I guess, I don't have a lot of homework, but what I do have I can finish later." Rory assured her. "Oh my god, thank you Rory, I swear I'll pay you back." Amanda sighed. "No problem how's six o'clock?"

    Rory didn't exactly know what to think about the phone call she had just had. She worried about Paul, but unfortunately she knew he was used to this sort of thing, but on the other hand she knew what Nate had done could have some serious consequences. She thought maybe it would be best to call Paul, but she was unsure. She didn't want it to seem that she cared "too much". He knew she liked him. She laughed at the thought of when she had offered herself to him. He had turned her down. She thought that maybe he was gay, or maybe he still had too many feelings for Michelle, or maybe he simply wasn't attracted to her. She didn't quite know, but she was looking forward to seeing him again. She had thought about him a lot and had called him a few times, but he was always busy or just didn't seem in the mood to talk. It seemed, to her, that he was hiding something, yet she just couldn't get a grasp of what it was. She made sure her hair and her make-up looked fresh and she spritzed a little perfume on and went ahead and headed to Amanda's house for she knew she was alone and she was upset, anything else she had planned to do at the moment could wait, plus, she was a little anxious to see Paul and she laughed to herself at the thought of this.

   Hilltop was unusually busy for a Tuesday night. Paul was busy at the register and Steve and Nate were having difficulty keeping up with the orders. The girls pulled up outside as Paul had at least three customers standing in line. Rory walked in first and Paul smiled when he saw her. She couldn't help smile to herself when she noticed the smile stayed with him as he helped the remaining customers. Amanda walked in and they sat down at a booth by the front window. Paul got a break in the line of customers and Rory walked over to him. "Hey there." Rory said to him. "What are you two doing here...well, you anyway?" Paul asked her rolling his eyes. "What time does Nate get a break?" She asked. "In about twenty minutes." Paul answered checking the clock behind him on the wall. "I tried to call you last night, where were you at?" She asked him. "I was at home; I just wasn't feeling very well." He explained to her. "Well I knew you usually get off of work around nine, so I tried about ten." She said. "Yeah, well, I didn't go to work last night, I was just feeling like crap." He said. "Well I think you should know some of your buddies are gonna try and retaliate. That's why we're here. Chris told Amanda they are planning to beat the shit out of you guys or something." She said seriously then. "I knew Nate messed up, but I didn't even think about it, I don't know why I didn't." He said lying to her. "They better not, they will be sorry." Paul said with that malicious tone in his voice. "Down boy." Rory joked. "I'm so sick of this stuff, it's getting really old, he was just worried about Amanda." Paul said. "Why don't they just get back together? I don't understand it." Rory said laughing. "By the way, your voice sounds nice when you're at work." She added. "How's that?" He inquired. "Every other word isn't a cuss word; you really know how to control yourself." She said smiling sarcastically. He thought to himself at that moment, _"If you only knew."_ Nate came out from the back then wiping his hands on his apron. He looked over at Amanda who had her head in her hands. He then walked over to Paul and Rory. "What's going on?" He asked them. Rory gave him the rundown of the conversation that had transpired between Chris and Amanda. Another customer approached the counter and Rory told him to come over when he was on his break. Paul gave a knowing look to Nate and nodded. Nate's break began and he went over to Amanda. "I'll be out in the car having a cig." Rory announced as she left them alone. "Amanda don't worry about me. They aren't going to do anything that hasn't already been done." He said with a laugh. "Anyways, why do you care so much?" He asked her straightforward. "Because I care about you, and ever since you did that this weekend I've just been really scared about this whole thing." She explained. He thought then of the total devastation this girl was going to go through after D-day. He pitied her for that moment. Then his mind switched to how he was going to construct a timer onto the propane bomb. He shook for a moment from his daydream to realize just how much this girl thought of him. He realized how stupid it all seemed then. She was going to be devastated either way. He imagined her in extensive counseling for years because of the impending trauma she would suffer at his hands. He then thought to himself, _"She already needs it thanks to her dad abandoning her and the way her mom ignores her."_ "Nate…are you even listening to me?" She asked him. "Yes I'm listening." He answered slightly annoyed. "Amanda it's probably just a bunch of bullshit anyway." He said leaning in closer to her. He looked up at Paul as he continued to help customers. He knew that Paul had something up his sleeve from the look he had shot him when he and Rory were talking. "Amanda why are you really here?" He asked her smiling shyly. "Just to talk to you really, I guess." She answered. Her face turned slightly red and she said to him, "I guess I'm having trouble getting over you. God, I'm sorry that sounded depressing!" She exclaimed. "I don't know what to say to you, I have a lot of thinking to do, Ok?" He explained to her. "Oh Nate I don't even know if it's a good idea we ever get back together, I just don't know." She said getting flustered and embarrassed. "Well when you know, let me know because I'm not gonna waste time on this if it's not going to go anywhere." He said as he suddenly felt sad that this was the closest thing he would ever know as a romantic relationship with a woman. They were so young, so inexperienced, so uncontrolled and unrefined. He grabbed her hand and held it in the middle of the table. "I want you back, Amanda." "When you are ready just give me some kind of sign, and we'll pick up where we left off, without all the deceptions, ok. Don't say anything else or I'll change my mind." He said seriously. "Ok." Was all she said trying to process what he had said.

   Rory walked back in the restaurant and joined them again at the booth. Nate dropped her hand and put his hands back under the table in his lap. "Hey don't quit being handsy on my account." Rory laughed. "That's enough Rory." Amanda said to her trying not to laugh. Rory noticed Paul didn't have any customers at the counter and was just piddling around with a wet rag. She got up and went over to him. "Hey what are you doing this Friday?" She asked him. "Oh, probably recuperating from whatever beating I have coming." He laughed. "I bet it's all a bunch of hype." She said to him. "I don't give a shit." He said to her as quietly as he could. She laughed at him as he made a silly face. "Hey you're cuter that way." She joked around with him.

   The girls left and in a couple more hours it was finally closing time at Hilltop Pizza. Nate threw his soiled apron in the hamper and went to his locker to retrieve his things. "Are you ready?" Paul asked him as he was handing his keys and register tray to Joanne, the closing manager. "Yeah, give me a few." He answered.

    They both walked to their cars and Nate followed Paul to his house. Paul walked into his room and grabbed one of his small treasures. He then walked back towards the front door without saying a word to either parent. "Hey sir, where do you think you're going?" Bill asked him before he reached the door. Paul rolled his eyes and sighed and turned to face his father. "I have to run somewhere with Nate real quick." He couldn't think of a better lie at that moment. "Well, be back in fifteen." He demanded. "Ok, I will, I promise." Paul answered. "I mean it, I don't know where you have gotten this shit here lately that you can just come and go as you wish." Bill said sternly. "Dad, I need to go." Paul pleaded. "Well then by all means, go." Bill said sarcastically. _"Great."_ Paul thought. _"He's in one hell of a mood."_ He walked on out the door and got into Nate's car. They headed down to Aspen street and came upon a very familiar blue Camaro. "No, just keep on driving." Paul said nervously. "Ok." Nate answered, as he sped on around the corner. Paul took a deep breath and closed his eyes as Nate came around the same block again. "Here we go!" Paul cried as the cool wind from the open window made his face burn a bit. He grabbed the pipe bomb in his right hand and grasped his lighter and fuse hard on the end. "Work, baby!" He said as he lit it and tossed it onto the windshield of Dave Brach's Camaro. It bounced onto the hood and exploded. Nate sped away and reached the end of the street just before neighbors started peeking out of their houses to see what the commotion was. "Whooo Hooo!" Nate screamed loudly. "I think I just shit my pants, did you see that fucker?" He yelled at Paul. Paul sat there quietly, his heart racing like he had never felt it. He knew there would be no way he would be able to sleep that night. Nate dropped him off and neither one of them had much to say to the other, they just smiled widely at one another. "Goodnight yah geek!" Nate screeched at Paul. Paul shut the door and a few seconds later he heard fire trucks screaming down the street.   "Jesus where are they going?" Margaret asked Bill. "Paul did you see anything when you were out?" She asked him heading for the front door. "Nope." He said matter of fact as he walked towards his room. Margaret thought it was strange that Paul took no interest at where the fire trucks were headed. Bill was already outside walking down the sidewalk to inquire about which neighbor it was.

 

 

 


	10. Secrecy and Fame

     Paul made it to first hour exhausted. He hadn't seen even a glimpse of Dave or Nick. He was finishing up the assignment they were given the previous day, before they were taken up. Carrie Sommers sat on the right side of Paul and Lorrie Mabrey sat on the other. The girls were terrible gossips and were actually on Paul's long hit list for their consistent badgering of others, including him. He knew they snickered to themselves from time to time about him. Lorrie leaned over as if Paul's desk wasn't even there, to ask Carrie a question. "Did you hear about Dave's car?" She asked her laughing. "Dave who? Brach?" Carrie asked her. "Duh! Yes, Brach. Some shithead threw a pipe bomb into his windshield. There was a story on the news about it and everything. His car is totaled; it completely burned up on the inside." "Oh well, he deserves it after what he did to Sarah and all." Carrie commented. "Do they know who did it?" Carrie asked her. "With our crappy police department?" Paul intervened laughing. Lorrie just glared at him. "No, there was nothing, it was all burnt up." Lorrie answered. "Hey Paul has a point if you know the right people in this town you could get away with murder and they would all look the other way." Carrie stated. Paul thought to himself, _"Yeah, just as they do the injustices at their schools."_  

      Nate went around that day hearing story after story about how Dave's car had been ravished. That was the only thing anyone was talking about, even some of the teachers. No one even said a word about him or Paul. The thing with Nate, Nick, and the faux airsoft pistol had all been dropped; this was much more exciting gossip. He even overheard someone saying Dave was so upset he was going to take a few days off from school.

      Paul and Nate decided to have lunch on campus. They sat at one of the innermost tables of the cafeteria. All around them was the current excitement they had produced. Paul leaned close to Nate. "See what fifteen minutes of fame feels like." Nate just smiled and continued eating his sandwich. Neither boy had much to say to the other, they just sat back for this time and enjoyed what they had created...total chaos, rumors, accusations, excitement...as the best was yet to come. That same evening in the city, Rory was watching television and doing her homework when the story came across the news. She knew the names, the street. She sat there dumbfounded for a second. She then recalled the pipe bomb she had come across in Paul's room. She was paralyzed for a minute, before saying out loud. _"Paul, you little fucker...way to go!"_   The revenge echoed for all of them.

      Just over a month had passed and it was right after Thanksgiving that Paul decided that it was time to start the film production of their plan. Nate had come over the Saturday after the holiday and spent the night with Paul. Janice thought it funny, as she assumed they had grown out of this sort of thing. She let him go, feeling it would be good for him as he and Beau had spent the holiday with Howard and he had announced to the boys he was getting remarried. Nate could've really cared less. Beau was a little confused about the whole situation, still not understanding fully why his mommy and daddy weren't together anymore. The boys had stayed up later than usual and didn't have to return to work until Sunday afternoon. Paul turned on the camera and began to film a piece of their legacy. "Is it on?" Nate asked. The camera began filming. "Hi, I'm Nathaniel Marcus Durham and I am a senior at Westvale High; go Warriors! He laughed rolling his eyes. I'm a good student, a pizza construction worker." He continued whilst Paul's finger never left the record button. "I don't have a girlfriend, I mean I guess I could, but she can't seem to find the tunnel of light out of her own ass." Nate added speaking of Amanda. "You're gonna make me drop the camera, stop fucking making me laugh." Paul said as the picture bounced in the viewing window of the camera. "No, I would like to say first, I'm sorry to my parents for anything they may witness in these tapes, or hear. I'm sick, you guys just didn't know how much, and I'm sorry, maybe I should've said something, I just didn't want to be a burden to you. Please don't take it personally." Nate finished for a moment. "Let me put this thing on the tripod." Paul said. He evened the camera with a good view of the floor and his computer desk chair so both of them could be in the picture. Nate took to the floor and Paul sat in the chair. Paul checked once again to make sure he had the camera angle just right. "Well, a happy turkey day folks; this is the live version of the rant and death logs. I'm your host Paul William Langley, eighteen, and senior also, at Westvale High school...fuck the Warriors!" Paul began sitting there in his white boxer shorts only. "I too, am a hater of Christian values except for one of the Ten Commandments, treat your neighbor as you would be treated or some shit like that, and see we tried that. It doesn't work." Paul concluded. "Yeah, if you supposed Christian folks would've just read your bibles we wouldn't be here, or maybe you should've thought about how to raise those little bastards better." Nate said making a fake smile and shrugging his shoulders. "Oh well all that's too bad, but you're not gonna have to think about your parenting mistakes, we will take them off of your hands, free of charge, of course." Paul continued. "Yeah, no thanks necessary, please, and keep your applause down." Nate said laughing. "Oh by the way thank you so much Chris and Bruce for the technical support of our little project you guys have been great." Paul stated as he smiled. Nate reached over to the side of him and grabbed a beer and handed it to Paul then grabbed another for himself. They struck their bottles together. "Cheers my deranged lunatic." Paul said to Nate. "Look at what you all have done, you who have given us shit for more years than we care to recall, we have gone round the fucking bend, but the trip won't be complete unless some of you accompany us." Nate said getting closer to the camera. Paul took a large swallow of beer then burped loudly. "Excuse my friend, he has the manners of Jeffrey Dahmer, and can recognize a good meal when he tastes one." Nate said with that glare across his face. "I have problems, too many to count, I can't help it, I guess I'm retarded in sorts, no mom, it's not your fault. Oh, and Casey I'm sorry I won't be coming out to see you this summer, in fact you'll be coming to see me. I'll be a little stiff, sorry if I don't say much, of course we never had much to say to one another anyways. I know you were just trying to be nice. Thanks." Paul added. "In fact please advise mom and dad to have me cremated, they are not going to like what they see after the ole' shot gun gets done with my pretty little face. Casey just remember you are all they have left now, take care of them, and try to fucking call them more than, like, twice a year, ok, promise me that, this is not their fault." Paul finished and Nate began again. "I think I'm sorry most to Beau. You are the world's greatest kid. Have whatever you want in my room, no need to come in while I'm not there and look at my Playboys, you can have them. I have had some great times jerking off to some of those… ok, disregard that." Nate said laughing. "Well, I think it's time we finish our beers, but we'll be back to give you regular updates. Bye." Paul said into the camera. "Goodbye all." Nate said before they turned it off.

     Westvale high school and the town itself, was being prepped for the Christmas season. Nate and Paul had successfully built three propane bombs, and had attained more shells and rounds of ammunition for their weapons. They had quite a stockpile and were proud of it. Paul's parents were oblivious to the arsenal stored in their son's room. They were also oblivious of the tools being used in their own garage and storage shed in the backyard. They didn't question the nature of their son as his mental wellness was decreasing. Paul was smoking more cigarettes than he could keep track of, his appetite had decreased dramatically and he hardly ever slept. He stayed up until wee hours of the morning catching only a couple of hours or so of sleep before he had to be at school. Nate was just depressed most of the time hanging his head down as he walked through the halls of the high school, barely making it out of bed to get there. Nick Kessler and Dave Brach still hadn't put the pieces together. They had no clue what Paul and Nate were really capable of. They still yelled out "faggot” anytime they walked by and still threw garbage at them if they were seen in the parking lot. It was if they wore an invisible shield, which the impending doom provided them, from the taunts and ridicule of their classmates. Paul also stayed up at night to write and play video games, taking his mind off of the time that was dwindling down faster than he had anticipated.

_Well, my good friend death and rant log, here we are again. It is the fifth day of December and already it is as cold as a nun's cunt. I find myself up this time of night, hell, who knows why, maybe I don't want to miss a moment; literally, of what time I have left. It's a comin'. We have more weapons than I can imagine. We have amassed 33 pipe bombs, three propane bombs (with timers), a nine millimeter, an AR15 rifle, my sawed off, and the newest to the family a tech 9, (it fires like a mini machine gun), and enough rounds of ammunition for each to do the job that lay ahead of us correctly. I now have diagrams of the cafeteria, and library and the auditorium with x's where the surveillance cameras are located, that's strategic. I'm ready to die, I'm ready to kill, I have waited for this for so long, the taste of the blood, the smell of the powder, the sting of the intensity of the weapon in my hand. IT'S PAYBACK TIME MOTHERFUCKERS!!!!!! You all must know why you are receiving this vengeance, come on don't play dumb! You should've known you had it coming! I hate almost everyone, and almost everyone will hate me! I will have followers though, every murderer does, and that’s the thrill of all of this. I wish there was just one hot girl out there who I could tell, and it would turn her on and I could bag her. I used to have a list of all the girls I wanted to lay, let's see, there was Trisha Rainer in the eighth grade, she was the first girl I really wanted to fuck, in ninth it was Kim Bostwick and Angela Teague, in tenth it was Katie Wentworth and Tiffany Houser, and last year I was too busy getting bagged by....I'm tired of mentioning her name, it makes me sweat. It makes me want to fucking puke...shit the phone's ringing._

      "What the hell do you want?" Paul answered expecting it to be Nate. "Well, now I can understand why you are such a woman magnet, geez!" Rory laughed. "I thought you were Nate." He said embarrassed. "So what do you know?" She asked him casually. "You never called me about going somewhere after we saw you that night, in fact I haven't talked to you since. What the hell have you been up to?" she inquired. "Not a whole hell of a lot." He answered unenthusiastically. "Well what are you doing calling me so late?" He asked her. "I didn't know if you had to work tonight or not. I sure didn't want to get a hold of your mom. I would like to say congratulations on the pipe bomb, that was pretty damn cool." she finished. "I don't know what you're talking about." He said staying calm. "Yes, you do Paul, but I see we're not supposed to talk about it, right?" She joked with him. He sort of laughed then, "I seriously don't know what you are talking about." "Ok." she finally answered. "No, I was really wondering if you wanted to go out sometime, I am such a geek, I'm sorry, that sounded corny I know." She stated. "You mean just to hang out or on a date?" Paul asked not believing he had just asked her that. "Well....on a date....I guess?" She carefully explained to him. She was blushing from ear to ear. She had an enormous crush on him and she had decided to take the final leap and ask him out. There was silence on the line for a moment and then Paul sighed and explained, "Rory, I like you, and in another world I'm sure we'd be a really hot item, but I'm not up for all that right now. You're really cute and great; I'm just looking for someone to....hook up with right now. But I'm really not attracted to you that way; I mean to where I could sleep with you and stuff, I like you just as a friend." He finished honestly. "Well, ok, I can accept that, I guess." She didn't know what to say just then. She was kind of hurt and really disappointed. "So how is school going?" She said changing the subject. "It's going ok?" He answered. "You?" "Same shit different day, as you would say." She said trying to hide the uneasiness she felt being on the phone with him. "Well, if you ever need someone to talk to, just call me ok? Maybe we can get together and just hang out alright?" She said testing him. "Yeah, that would be great, but I have a lot of things going on right now, we'll just have to see." He answered. "Bye Paul." And with that she hung up. He sat there for a moment just holding the phone not believing that he had just let her down. He really wasn't interested in pursuing a relationship with her, but having sex with her could be nice. He had thought about it off and on, ever since she so blatantly offered it that one night. _"Maybe, just maybe."_   He said to himself. Inside he was kind of afraid to have intercourse with her, for normal reasons, like, would he be good enough? He had been good with Michelle or had he? Would she become too attached to him? Would it make him want to survive? He laughed at that thought; nothing could distract him from his mission, his sacrifice.

     The next day at school Paul waited for Nate in his car. He saw Nate pull up across the parking lot, got out of the car and walked over to Nate's. He got in shivering from the cold and wrapped his coat around him. "Here." Nate said handing him a cigarette. "I have something amusing to tell you." Paul began. "Do tell." Nate urged him. "I had an interesting chat with Rory last night; she wanted to know if I wanted to go on a date and stuff." He said matter of fact. "Well?" Nate asked him with a slight smile. "I acted like I was uninterested. I acted as if I was only interested in her as a friend." He answered. "Why did you do that, you yourself said you wanted to get laid before you went out." Nate reminded him. "I know, I just want someone to fuck, she wants more than that." He explained thinking then of the situation with him and Amanda. "So you're basically implying I'm an asshole." Nate asked him laughing then. "Well, I already know you're an asshole!" Paul yelled at him grinning widely. "So what the hell is with the Amanda home front, anyway?" Paul asked him. "We're not back together if that's what you mean. She is just enjoying her solitude at the present, I suppose. She's gotten real quiet, we don't even talk on the phone like we used to.  She'll call and we'll basically end up sitting there listening to each other breathe, it's weird sometimes, but it's never an awkward silence, yah know? I don't know how to explain it, we haven't kissed in a while, or held hands or gone out on a date since we broke up, it's been months. I miss her sometimes, but I don't push the issue, for the guilt is already a major issue with me. I guess it does make me sick when I think about it, it's as if she knows something’s up, because if I was normal, so to speak, I would be begging her back." He finished. "I understand exactly what you are saying, that's why I am the way I am about the Rory thing." Paul solemnly answered. Paul took one last drag of his cigarette and said, "Time to bail." Nate got to history class and Amanda smiled at him when he walked in. "What's with you today?" He asked her sitting down. "I don't know I'm just in a really good mood. My mom and Barry told me this morning that if I get a job, I can get a car, I've had my license for over a year now." She started. "I'm gonna go and apply at the bowling alley. I think it would be fun, and then I would get my games for free." She said smiling. "Are they hiring?" Nate asked her. "Yeah, actually they are, Kim told me." She stated. "Well, I wish you luck, you need your own wheels." He said. "You're telling me." She said smiling at the thought. All through class they didn't get to speak much except about their work, and when the dismissal bell rang Amanda leaned over and handed Nate a note. "Don't read it until you get home, please?" She pleaded with him. "Ok, I promise." He said shoving it into his back pack. By the time school was let out, he had almost forgotten about the thing until he went to put his book bag on the table and it fell off spilling some of the contents. He hadn't much time to read it for he had to get ready for work, so he carried it to his room with him and threw it on the bed and began undressing. He reached over and grabbed the small folded piece of pink notebook paper, and put it to his nostrils smelling Amanda. He opened it carefully and read:

_My dearest Nate, I don't know where to begin here. How have things gotten so screwed up between us I will never know. I feel like there is something you are hiding from me. Are you seeing someone else, someone who doesn't go to Westvale? I didn't want to talk about this in person or over the phone for I feel we would just end up fighting and I don't want that. I guess if you are seeing someone else, it's really none of my business, but I was just curious. I love you Nathaniel Marcus. I love you, love you, love you! It hurts sometimes to be close to you for I want to reach out and hold you and kiss you, and I can't. I miss the way your arms feel around me. You are such a good kisser, ok, I'm being ridiculous and sappy, and I just felt like writing a love note to you. If there's something you want to talk about, please talk to me. I'm not mad at you, I never really was, and I’m the one that lied. Here we are now, playing this game with each other, I don't even know why. I don't know if I can face you tomorrow knowing you have read this. I know it's stupid, forgive me....Love Forever, Amanda._

     There it was, the very first love note he had ever received from a girl, maybe it was his last. He remembered in the seventh grade when people started "going together", he remembered how left out he had felt. He never really liked any particular girl until Amanda. He thought some of them were good-looking, but never wanted them for girlfriends. _"Enough of this pathetic shit."_ He said out loud to himself and rolled up the note and tossed it into the waste can beside his computer. He got up and finished getting ready for work.

      "Camera is rolling!" Nate announced. They were outside in Paul's backyard getting ready to enter the shed. "Ladies and gentlemen, we would like to welcome you to the show; we will be presenting tips on how to make the everlasting pipe bomb." Nate commented trying to hold the camera steady. Paul then readied a fuse and took a drill and drilled down through the middle of the gun powder, broken glass laden, pipe. He inserted the fuse wire, giving it a few inches of burning room. "This is how it's done. You pathetic losers aren't gonna know what hit you, these fuckers are gonna be going off everywhere. I live to see the fear on your faces as you try to escape only to be met with a gun hosing you down." Paul said laughing loudly. You could hear Nate laugh into the microphone. "Here." Nate said as he handed the camera to Paul. "Hey it's me Nate again, I have something for you all to see, this is a tech nine automatic weapon. When I start shooting with this I can mow quite a few of you down in one motion, which will be cool, I fantasize about it!" Paul then turned the camera and stuck his own face in it. "It is capable of killing like twelve of you with one firing motion." He then returned it to Nate. "Makes me feel like a mobster!" Nate joked. They turned the camera off then and headed back into the house. They were safely back in Paul's room away from his parents and they turned the camera back on. "If my parents knew how much shit was hidden in and around their house, they would absolutely have a fucking coronary." Paul laughed. Paul pulled out a cigarette and lit it with the camera still rolling. "You two don't talk to me much anymore, why is that?" He said of his parents. "Is it because I'm a big fucking failure to you? I'm sorry I couldn't get into the Marines, dad, I tried, but like you, I was unaware of their rules. I'm sorry for being born this way and letting you down." Paul stated directly to the camera. "This isn't a mother fucking Hallmark Card commercial." Nate said then. "Ok, I know. Hey too bad I'll never get to live long enough to make a homemade porno with one of these." Paul said snickering and pointing at the camera. Nate found this hilarious and was laughing so hard he couldn't hold the camera anymore and it shut off for a moment. He steadied himself with the camera and said "Ok, back to business", and began filming once more. "I have put a lot of thought into this attack and I must say, we have a very strategic plan set forth for you people. I would've liked for it to have been on a larger scale, but working in a simple fast food restaurant does not afford me the luxuries of that. Sometimes I think, well hell, all the time, I think about how my life would go if I simply just decided not to do this, and then I realize I would be just another loser with shit for brains, all this wasted knowledge. I'm glad I have the courage to perform the task ahead of me, see dad, I would've made a good Marine. Doesn't make any sense does it, they won't accept you because you're on meds, yet when you go to war, you see shit that makes you spend the rest of your life on them. Now make sense of that one." Paul finished. Nate then shut off the camera and held it for a second before giving it back to Paul. "Hey it's me Nathaniel again. Last week I received a letter from a very sweet young woman. At first I threw it away but then I figured, no I must keep it. In fact as any soldier going into war I will carry the words of my love with me. When you fucking pigs get done with all this shit, I would very much like for you to return it to her, so she will know that I took a part of her with me that day. I wish I could tell you Amanda, just how much I wish things could've been different. I just don't like life very much anymore, but you were the one, truly enjoyable thing that I had. I know we're not technically together, and I know you are waiting for me to ask you back, but I guess now you will understand why I can't do that. I sure hope I don't screw up your future too much. I want you to be happy, I want you to get married and live in a nice house and have two point five kids and all of that shit, but I would also like to say thank you for giving me an opportunity to know you like this. I remember when you used to give me the biggest hard-ons in tenth grade when I first met you and you'd come eat lunch with me and Chris." Paul began laughing then. "It's hilarious the small details you remember, I just never dreamed I would ever kiss you. I'm just sorry it doesn't surpass this ever growing sickness inside of me that calls me to relinquish myself to the better of all man. They simply can't go on treating people this way and that's just it sweetheart." Nate finished. Paul then turned the camera to his face and said, "Sorry about the "lifetime for women movie", we will now return you to your regularly scheduled program titled, Death and Rants." Paul jokingly stated in a deep voice. He then turned the camera back to Nate before turning it off. "Fuck all of you, Fuck you who will survive, just remember we were the true victims here, not you! We have paid the sacrifice for your self-esteem and now you will make us famous." Nate concluded and they turned off the camera.

     Paul got home early from work the next night and when he arrived he saw that his mother was on the couch and didn't look well. "Hey kid I'm glad you're home, I feel like crap and I was wondering if you could go back out and run to the drugstore for me." Margaret asked him. "Where's dad?" He asked. "He's helping Jim from work install a water heater in his house. I need some Tylenol and some cough drops. I think I have the flu." She said wearily. "Ok." He said grabbing his keys from where he had just laid them. He put his coat back on and headed out the door. He drove to the local drugstore but it had already closed so he then proceeded to the one on the outskirts of town. He walked in and first located the Tylenol, and made his way to the isle which displayed the cough and cold remedies. "Oh my gosh, Paul, how are you?" A woman's voice asked him. He hadn't noticed anyone, but he looked up then. His eyes met hers and he was speechless. He couldn't think of a word to say and yet at the same time he thought of a million things he had wanted to say to her. "Hey." Was all he could manage. "It's been quite a while, are you looking forward to graduating?" Michelle asked him. "Oh shit, I guess, I really haven't given it much thought." He answered. "How about the Marines?" She asked him. "Didn't get in." He answered sincerely. "I have wondered how you were doing and I wanted to call but I just didn't know if it would be a good idea." She said to him. "Yeah, I thought about calling you too, but I wanted you to move on with your life." He stated. "Well, I have moved on I guess....I'm getting married in May." She answered cautiously. "Yeah, in fact we just bought a house over on Pike street. It's beautiful. Ray is great, he would like a kid like you." She said as she smiled. "Well, my mom is sick and stuff, that's why I'm here. Yeah, I'm kind of seeing this one girl, she's pretty amazing, her name is Rory, she's my age, and we have everything in common." He said lying. "She's absolutely beautiful, she's the best looking girl I've ever seen in fact. I'm sorry I'm babbling like this, we're just real happy, I'm happy, she makes me happy." He said lying more by the minute. "Well, I'm really glad Paul, I'm glad you found someone your age, you needed someone like that. It makes me real happy to hear that." She finished. He looked down slightly noticing the diamond on her left hand. "Well, I got to run; Ray is taking me out for a late dinner. It was wonderful seeing you; you look good, take care of yourself." She turned to walk to the cash register. "It was nice to see you, too, really." He said. She turned back around then and leaned into him and gave him a very sincere hug. "Bye Paul." "Bye Michelle." She smiled at him for a moment then disappeared around the isle. She was still wearing the perfume he had bought her last Christmas. He could never forget that smell. He thought to himself for a second as he stood there dumbfounded. _"I don't have much longer to live, in fact this will probably be the last time you will ever see me."_   He was sad, for he knew it was. She had been such a major part of his life, and just like that, she was gone.

 

   He paid for the medicine and got into the car and on the way home all he could think about then was Rory. He couldn't understand it. He thought about doing with her then, the things that he and Michelle had done. He wondered why he was thinking these things about a girl he really didn't feel those things for, or did he? He knew in some sense he did, but he was just trying to protect her. He felt a relief though after seeing Michelle, like it was ok to move on. He was glad of this new feeling, for he knew then that he had really loved her, and he was glad he got to feel that for someone before he left life behind him. All of the mean things he wanted to say to her, or thought about her vanished, except for her calling him a kid. _"I am."_ He thought. _"We are and that's what's gonna make this such a horrible act."_   He had an urge to call Rory when he got home, but he knew that wouldn't be right after the way he had talked to her on the phone a few days earlier. He got home and gave his mom what she needed and went straight to his journal, putting his homework aside for the moment.

 

_Hey it's me Death and Rant log. I got off of work a little early because we were slow and I had to run to the store for my mom. I got there and I saw Michelle. She looked better than I ever remember her looking. She was dressed really nice and she smelled amazing. I could've screamed and yelled at her about how fucking shitty she had treated me, but for some reason as I stood there in front of her, I didn't want to be mean to her, I just wanted to look at her. She's getting married in the same month I'm going to die. How's that for coincidence? Now I know she'll never forget it. Mr. Detective, if you ever find out who Michelle is, please tell her that I'm kind of sorry about that. I didn't mean for her to feel bad and all when it's time for her to get married. We don't really have very long to live when you think of it in the grand scheme of things. Nate is ready for it, I'm ready for it, they won't be ready for it. I look at Dave Brach sometimes and I want to warn him of his impending doom, but then it just makes me laugh for some reason. The demons in me are multiplying by the thousands, they are some angry little bastards, let me tell yah. We should really test one of those propane bombs, I just need to find a patch of land big enough to do it in. I need to start looking, we really need to make sure those things go off the way they are supposed to and all. Seeing Michelle in some ways just made me hate this piece of shit life even more, but I guess that was to be expected. Paul_

     On that very same evening Nate was just finishing up with his homework from history class when his mother knocked on the door. "Hey I just wanted to say hi, you hardly come out of here anymore, fella." She cheerfully said. "Yeah, school this semester has been a real bitch. A lot of work." He commented. "Nate, watch the language." She playfully warned. Beau is already in bed asleep. He's real excited about going to your dad's this weekend." She said. "Yeah, I don't think I'm going." He answered. "I just have too much to do this weekend." He concluded. "Well, if you do, you do. I understand, but you are going to tell him." She said speaking of his father. "You haven't gone over there the last couple of times. He thinks it's because of a girl, is it?" She carefully asked him. "No, it's not because of a girl, I'm just busy, senior stuff, I've had a lot on my mind. I'm still waiting to see if I've been accepted at Missouri or not, I've been worrying about that some I guess." He said making up something believable. He realized then at the incredible liars he and Paul had become. "Well I just wanted to check in with you for a minute, before I went to bed. Love you, goodnight." She said closing the door to his room. "Love you too...'night." He answered. He put his paper in his book and put his pen back into his backpack. He turned off the computer screen and took his shirt off. He stood in front of his dresser mirror for a moment looking at his self. _"I look like shit."_   He thought to himself. He took a couple of Advil out of a bottle for a headache in the succession of headaches he had been having lately. He took his jeans off as he dryly swallowed the pills and was left in nothing but his underwear. He turned his lamp off and climbed into bed. He lay there looking at the ceiling and the moonlight which filled his room from his window. He then heard a car door which seemed too close to be the neighbors. He didn't give much thought to it for a second, until he heard what he thought was the gate on the side of the house being opened. He lay there just listening intently to make sure he was hearing what he thought he was hearing. Just then he heard the gate slam shut. Now he knew what he was hearing. _"Is that Paul?"_ He thought. He grabbed his pants lying over the chair at his computer desk and hurriedly put them on. He went to the window and indeed there was a vehicle parked outside, but he didn't recognize it. It wasn't anybody's that he knew. He went to the back door to look out into the yard. He knew since Janice had not come out of her bedroom that most likely she was asleep.  He put his ear to her door and could hear her lightly snoring. He crept down the hall and through the darkened living room, not turning on any lights as he made his way through the maze of furniture trying to remember where each was at so he wouldn't trip over anything. His heart was racing then. _"Shit, did someone find out that the pipe bomb was them?"_   He thought to himself worried for a split second. The back door knob rattled. Nate caught his breath and thought of the two weapons he had stored in his bedroom at that moment. He took a gulp and went over beside the door and turned the porch light on. Amanda stood on the porch shivering from the cold. He opened the door and turned off the light. "You better be glad we don't have a fucking security system, have you lost your god damned mind?" Nate asked her still startled and trying to be as quiet as he could be. "Plus, we have school in the morning!" He said through his teeth. "Do you want me to leave?" She asked him whispering. He thought for a moment. "No." He whispered back to her. "Come on get in here where it's warm." He said motioning for her. They made it safely in his bedroom without being found out and Nate turned on his stereo where it was playing softly as it sometimes did while he slept. He turned it on a local station out of Cincinnati that played soft rock and jazz. "I thought you liked the heavier stuff." She said snickering and trying to keep to a whisper. "I do, I sometimes sleep to this, it relaxes me." He said softly. She smiled then at his explanation. "So why are you here? Please tell me." He asked her straightforward. "Me and Barry got into a big fight and the only place I could think of that I really wanted to be was here with you." She answered not looking at him. He thought to himself how strange this was, how surreal, he had had erotic dreams about her that had started out this way. He kind of laughed to himself when he thought of that then. "What?" She shyly asked, thinking he was laughing at her. "Nothing, don't worry about it." He answered. "So how late do you plan on staying?" He asked her lying down on the bed. "I don't know, I just had to get out of there. He was pissing me off." She explained. "We got into it over some stupid shit and my mom wouldn't even take up for me, I was so pissed I started crying." She said with a sad look on her face. "Whose car is that?" Nate asked her. "It's mine." She answered. "That's what the fight was about. I got the job at the bowling alley." She stated. "Congratulations." Nate said to her. "They think now since they put the money down for the car, that I have to take their shit, I guess." She finished. "I don't want to go home, Nate, I don't care if I do get into trouble, just don't make me go, please." She said with tears swelling up in her eyes. "Just don't talk above a whisper." He asked of her. "We've done well so far." She said smiling at him. He wanted her to stay, but he was unsure if he wanted the wrath that Janice would hand down if he got caught with her there. He went in the hall for a second to make sure all was secure. He then came back in the room and locked his bedroom door. "I'm gonna set my alarm for four o'clock, then you have to leave, for my mom gets up at five. Got it?" He asked her. "Got it." She whispered. Nate made a pallet for himself on the floor with extra blankets from his closet and she got below the covers on his bed and took off her jeans. She left her t-shirt on and put the blanket up to her waist. "Your bed is more comfortable than mine." She said to him. "Amanda what really are you doing here?" He asked looking up at the bed at her. "I don't know." She sat up in the bed and proceeded to get down on the floor with him. He wished for a moment that the light had been on so he could get a better look at her in her underwear. "Scoot over." She said to him. "Why are we down here?" He asked. "This fucking floor is uncomfortable, you sleep down here." Nate then got up and traded her places. He gave her all the covers. "Here if you're cold." He said for he still hadn't taken his pants off from when he had put them on to check out the noise in the backyard. "Nate, what the hell is going on?" She asked him with frustration. "I don't know what you are trying to do here, Amanda." He said with agitation in his voice. She was left with nothing but to tell him the truth. "I want to be with you, you know, really be with you." She said embarrassed. "Oh my god, Amanda. How can we do this now after everything?" He said with his head in his hands. "You don't want me?" She asked pitifully. "No, Jesus, I want you, god damn, I want you. "Come here." He said relenting to her and shaking slightly. He could taste everything he had had for dinner come up in his throat. His stomach was turning somersaults. She slowly climbed in bed next to him. He then removed his cargos and could feel her bare thighs next to his. She was warm and wonderfully inviting. He then reached out to pull her closer to him. "Amanda I don't really know what to do, I'll be completely fucking honest." He said shaking then. "Nate, you're gonna be fine, I'm here, I love you." She said. He loved the way the moon from the window shown on her forehead illuminating her eyes. He ran his finger over her forehead and moved a strand of hair from her face smiling widely at the fantasy unfolding before him. "Does this mean we're getting back together?" He asked her coolly. "I don't know what it means, I don't really care." She answered. "I don't care either." He replied whispering. "Nate, we should stop this freaking nonsense and put things behind us." She answered not sure of how he would respond. He responded by kissing her. She kissed him back and they couldn't let go of each other. Nate wasn't sure if he was nervous because his mom was just across the hall while he was about to have sex with this girl, or if it was the girl herself. He pushed all thoughts of death, despair and depression away from his mind and tried his best to relax. He knew he was being somewhat clumsy with her as he felt around in the dark at everything about her he had wanted to feel. She removed her bra from under her long sleeved t-shirt and threw it on the floor. He felt as if his hands were glued to her breasts as he kept running his hands up and down her body and finally he felt as if he was lightheaded. "I'm ready Amanda, are you?" He asked nervously. "Yes, Nate, I'm ready. Just do it." She rolled to her back from being on her side and removed her underwear. He then, feeling as if he needed a crutch to maintain his balance, positioned himself between her legs and put his weight on her. He could feel the warmth and softness of her breasts against his chest. His groin was aching in anticipation of her. He stopped for a moment to analyze her facial features. She stopped kissing him then and giggled a bit. "Are you ok?" She whispered smiling at him. "I think I'm gonna be alright, I just don't have anything to say about this. Shit I'm not even making any sense now." He then slightly laughed at himself. He found some composure and began to make love to her. He realized as soon as he was inside of her, he never wanted this to end. He had no thoughts then of Paul, or bombs, or death and violence and all the things that made their hatred so real and intense. He looked around in the darkness of his room, and listened to her soft moans. He felt as if there was nothing around them in this space as he could feel her fingers dig in his back with every thrust. He thought how funny that this could make people crazy, drive them utterly mad, this sex stuff, but then just working up to the sex stuff had almost done him in. It was over in a matter of minutes and they lay there for a moment in the darkness not knowing what to say to each other. He then had those protective fears enter his mind. "I'm sorry I didn't have anything." He said to her. "Don't worry, you pulled out in time, I'm not worried, it's the wrong time in my cycle anyway. Geez, Nate." She said with a giggle. "Is that the most romantic thing you can say to me at this moment?" She asked jokingly. "Oh my god Amanda, I don't really know what to say." He answered still slightly out of breath. "It gets better over time, when you've done it more." She assured him. He thought to himself then, _"there will be more times?"_   He didn't know how many times he could fit into five months. He heard her breathing change as she fell asleep and the nervousness of his mother kept him sleeping light and hardly at all. Then the depression found its way back again in the wee hours of morning, and for some reason they were worse than they had been. He realized then, that his sickness was real, too real to turn back from. He lay there next to Amanda with his face in his hands and softly cried to himself. He had no answers, and his mind was too ill to think of any kind of existence beyond this one. It was his own fatality, his only flaw, he just didn't want to live anymore and he knew there at that moment, in the dark, as the woman he loved lay sleeping beautifully next to him, there was nothing that could made him have a zest for life. He cried for the loss of himself that night.

    Nate's alarm went off right at four o'clock and he rose up above his bed on the windowsill to turn it off. "Amanda." He said quietly shaking her by her upper arm. "Get up." She made a slight moan and looked around the room adjusting her eyesight. "Hey there." She said to him smiling. "You need to go." He pleaded with her. "Ok, I know, just give me a minute. It's so warm in here with you, I don't want to leave." She wined. "I know and if I could have it my way you wouldn't leave either." He said to her as he kissed her on the forehead. She awoke fully and dressed and he helped sneak her out of the same door she had snuck into just hours before. She kissed him quickly and made her way back to the front of the house where her car was parked on the street. He shut the door as she disappeared around the side of the house and he stood there thinking to himself. _"I wish that could've been better for her, a better circumstance."_ He was confused for now he didn't know where he stood with her. He knew he was definitely not going to tell Paul, for he was unsure how he would react. He knew that Paul worried as if she were in the way of things. He then thought to himself, _“Why in the hell am I worrying about people's feelings?  In a few months I'll be gone and I won't be here to give a shit or have to pick up any pieces."_   He then couldn't believe he was being so selfish to a girl he had dreamed of for years, who had just given herself to him so unselfishly. He then heard her car drive off out front. He went back to his room and went back to sleep for a couple more hours.

   Paul got in Nate's car the next morning before school and he could tell something wasn't right with the way Nate was acting, but he couldn't put his finger on it. Nate was unusually silly acting, like he was tipsy or was giving in to the effects of some drug. The boys sat there and smoked their cigarettes. Paul told Nate about seeing Michelle. "I don't give a shit she's getting married. That guy aint gonna be happy, she sucks dick for shit." Paul stated. "Yeah, you've had your pecker sucked on so much and all." Nate said sarcastically. "Are you fucking stoned?" Paul asked him seriously. "No, but I think I might need to be." Nate said chuckling as he exhaled cigarette smoke. Nate got serious then, "We need to really go and test the propane tanks." He said looking at Paul. Paul was staring out the windshield of the car into the parking lot. "I think I have found the perfect field. I was out driving around the other day, there's that field where all the soccer goals and stuff are now, it's perfect and it's humongous." Paul said almost excited. "There's just a little country road out there with a tunnel under it for drainage and it would be a perfect place to hide if need be." Paul described. "Yeah, that could be cool. I truly think the timer that I have been working on will work. When we get to school to do our biggest mission, we'll need to set them at least fifteen minutes in advance so they will go off while we're in there shooting up the fucking place." Nate explained. "Oh you're so correct." Paul agreed with him. "Hell the cops will be showing up and they'll get killed by the bomb or the shrapnel. Paramedics and shit trying to save the worthless fuckers will be hurt bad or killed. I have really been thinking about where they need to be placed." Nate finished. "You are a friggin' genius my good sir." Paul said in a fake English accent as he laughed. Paul was excited by his friend's enthusiasm. "Hey death and destruction are my middle names." Nate said laughing then. "You are the righteous partner." Paul said complimenting him.

 

     Nate hadn't seen Amanda yet and when he got to their history class, she was absent. He began to worry about her. He thought for a brief moment, _"Had last night been a dream, a delusion?  No, it definitely happened."_   He had to stop thinking about it for he knew he would start to arouse himself in ways that were not appropriate in school. He tried his best to keep his mind on history. After history it was time for lunch. He met up with Paul right outside the cafeteria. "Hey I'm skipping the next three, want to come with me?" He asked Paul. "Shit, I don't know. I'll be in deep shit at home if they call." He answered wearily. "Oh, what the hell… why do I even care?" Paul answered then. "Just where are we taking off to?" "I've got to go find out if Amanda is alright." Nate answered. "Oh hell, I should've known, I wish she'd just give you some of that cunt so we could stop playing these ridiculous games." Paul answered annoyed. "Well you don't have to fucking go then, ok?" Nate argued with him. They walked outside to the parking lot and got in Nate's car. "Don't bitch the whole time we're gone or I'll bring you right back here to Westvale." Nate warned him. "Don't worry sergeant, I'll be a good private." Paul said saluting him angrily. Nate pulled out in a hurry and squealed the wheels. He wanted for some reason to get to her as fast as he could. "Oh, by the way Chris wants to know if we want to get together tomorrow night after we get off of work and go bowling." Paul said to him. "Yeah whatever sounds great." Nate responded sounding uninterested. "What the hell has crawled up your ass and died?" Paul asked him. "Nothing, why are you asking me all these questions? Are we on a friggin' game show Paul?" Nate asked him laughing. "Well, never mind, just fuck off and die then." Paul said angrily. "Don't give Amanda any shit or I'll kick the shit out of you!" He warned him again. "Don't worry I won't say anything to the little tease." Paul retorted. Paul was getting more and more upset with his friend's composure. They finally reached Amanda's home and pulled up in the driveway. Nate jumped out of the car leaving Paul inside to wait. He knocked loudly on the door. Amanda came to the door. Her right eye was swollen and red. "What the fuck is that?" Nate asked her of her face. "Oh me and Barry really got into it when I got home this morning. It will look ok tomorrow." She assured him. "Fucking Christ Amanda, he hit you? He shouldn't hit you...ever; I don't care if he did buy you a car." Nate said angered at his girlfriend's face. She began to cry. "Please come in, Nate." She asked him. "I've got pissy out in the car let me go get him." Nate said trying to make her laugh. "I don't know if I'm in the mood for Paul." She said to him. "I can't leave him out there, Amanda." He groaned. "Go get him then." She answered. Nate got back to the car. "What the hell was that all about?" Paul asked him. "You, now get out of the god damned car and let's go in." Nate said to him as if he were a small child. They walked into the house and Amanda returned to where she had been sitting in the recliner. Paul sat on the sofa by the front door. Paul then looked around the house and made observations.   Amanda's house was not clean, it was cluttered and there were dirty dishes piled in the sink and an odor of some sort that Paul didn't recognize. Paul thought of his home for a second. It was a large neat kept house where the yard was always perfectly trimmed and the kitchen and bathrooms were always spotless. Margaret was a great housekeeper and Paul had never known a mess like this one. There were newspapers spread out in front of the television and the garbage can needed to be emptied. He sat there with his chin in his hand as he propped his hand with his elbow on the arm of the couch. "Amanda I don't know what to say." Nate began. "Don't say anything, just give me a cigarette." She asked of him. "I'll second that." Paul said to him. Nate handed them each a cigarette. He threw the matches to Paul and then Paul threw them to Amanda. "I knew I'd get the shit big time for sneaking out and coming to your house last night." She began. Nate didn't turn around for he didn't want to see Paul's reaction to something he hadn't planned on telling him. Paul stared at her curiously then. "I really didn't care, though." She continued. "Barry has hardly ever hit me, I mean, I wasn't using the best language with him, I was being pretty horrible too." She said defending her stepfather. Nate just listened to her. "Well do you guys want anything to drink?" She asked them. "No don't worry about us." Nate said to her. "There's nothing on this stupid television, you guys want to go in my room and hang out and listen to the radio or watch a movie?" She offered. "Sure." Paul answered. Nate got up and followed Amanda to the end of the hallway. Paul entered the room last. He looked around the room which was painted a pastel shade of purple and there were posters of bands, a variety of make up on the dresser and a ton of stuffed animals on a chain in the corner. There was a little shelf with trophies and ribbons on it, and she had a small vanity where her hair accessories were spread. Paul then realized he had never been in the bedroom of a girl his age before and neither had Nate. Paul looked to the corner, where there was a pile of dirty laundry similar to the pile in Nate's room. On top was a red lace pair of underwear. Paul quickly looked away. He didn't want to envision his best friend's girlfriend in her underwear, not at that moment anyway. Nate lay down on her bed and Paul sat on the floor in front of her stereo and crossed his legs. Amanda went and lay next to Nate. "Hey Paul there's an ashtray on top of my vanity...grab it for me." Paul did as she asked and flipped his cigarette in it before putting it back into his mouth. She reached down from the edge of the bed to retrieve it. She took one more drag of her cigarette and put it out and then handed the ashtray back to Paul. Her and Nate began kissing each other. "Ok, guys you don't need me here." Paul said feeling uncomfortable. Nate threw him the keys to his car. "I'm probably going to be awhile, Paul. Come back and get me around two thirty." He asked of him. "Whatever." Paul said with a sigh. _"I lived for the day I would get dumped for a piece of ass; I can't believe he is screwing her."_   Paul thought to himself as he went to Nate's car and got in starting it. He didn't know where he was going. He drove out to the soccer field he had mentioned to Nate earlier and sat there looking across it. It was vast and was surrounded by very tall grass on two sides. He looked to the tunnel beneath the road and thought for a moment. _"This field is wet enough we don't have to worry about it and all we have to do is walk like a quarter mile from my house when we sneak out and walk through the tall grass to get to it. It has to be in the middle of the night so we can hide better.  And after all that walking, the fucking thing better ignite."_   Paul thought as he rested on the fender of the car looking off into the distance the field reflecting off of his sunglasses. He remembered this field for a second then, recalling the time they had ridden their bikes out here and rode through the grass hitting puddles, getting stuck, and propelling themselves off of the rough terrain before they had leveled it create the soccer fields. He realized then, that he wished he hadn't of taken that time, of being a kid, for granted for its passing came too quickly.

   Paul kept his promise and picked up Nate at Amanda's at two thirty. He honked for him and he appeared shortly thereafter. He got into the car. Paul started backing out of the driveway. "I can't believe that fucker Barry did that to her." Nate stated. "Yeah, well we don't have a lot of time to worry about that shit, now do we?" Paul reminded him. "Yeah, man, I know." Nate responded sort of agitated. "Well, what are we doing tonight?" Nate asked him. "Well, would you like to fire up that propane bomb?" Paul asked him smiling. "You know I fucking would!" Nate said with that sinister laugh. "Why didn't you tell me about you and her?" Paul asked him changing the subject. "There's nothing to tell. Her and her step dad got into a fight and she needed somewhere to go, that's it, promise." Nate declared. "I think there's more to it than that." Paul said laughing. "There's nothing else to it, ok?" Nate repeated himself. "Whatever." Paul responded deciding to drop the subject. "I'm glad we don't have to work tonight, I love Fridays." Paul commented. "Me too. A Friday would be grand. End your life on a Friday and everything." Nate said seriously. "We do need to put a definite date on this, don't we?" Paul asked not looking at Nate. "Yes, we do." Nate answered as he just glared out of the passenger side window. "I suppose it is kind of cool that we actually get to pick our death dates. I envision it on my tombstone as we mention it." Nate said with chills then. It was all so final.

 

    Paul went to Nate's house and played video games for a little while until Janice came home. She must not have gotten a call for she mentioned nothing to Nate about skipping school. They were both relieved, but Paul still had to go home. They both stated that they had a game level that Paul needed assistance with and some other stuff and asked her, since Nate wasn't going to his dad's for the weekend, if it was alright that Nate spent the night with Paul. Janice obliged them. "You have Margaret or Bill phone me when you get there to let me know it's alright with them." They walked out of the front door after Nate said his goodbyes to Beau, for he wouldn't see him the rest of the weekend. As they walked to the car, Paul stated, "Gee, how old are we, five? Have your parents call me?" Paul snickered. "Hey, no making fun of my mom, got it?" Nate laughed. They reached the Langley residence and Bill was already home. "Shit the ole' man is already here...fuck!" Paul commented. "Why what is with that?" Nate asked him curiously. "We haven't had a good time of it lately." He explained. "Oh I see." Nate responded as he sensed the regret in Paul's voice. They entered and Bill was standing by the entertainment center checking the listings in the TV guide. "Hey Nate." He said. "Hey Bill." Nate responded. They all three just stood there awkwardly waiting to see if Bill had anything else to say to them. "Um, I was wondering if Nate could stay the night." Paul asked him. "I don't care." Bill said shrugging. "Your mother will not be home, you know, her and Karen’s plans are back on since your mom is feeling better and they are going to some craft thing in Cleveland." Bill stated. "Oh, yeah, I forgot about that." Paul answered. "You need to call my mother and tell her it's ok." Nate said rolling his eyes. Bill kind of chuckled at the way Nate had said it. "Ok, I will in a few minutes." He stated. "Thanks." Nate answered. "No problem." Bill returned. They made their way down to Paul's room. After entering, Paul showed Nate the new co2 cartridges he had purchased. They sat there for almost an hour counting and sorting their stockpile Paul had hidden in his closet. "Man, my mom would shit; she goes through my room constantly." He stated. "Well then that's probably why all of your shit is over here." Paul laughed. "You know this is a great night for this, the sky is clear and the moon is full, it's beautiful out there." Nate stated. "Have you thought anymore about what I said about the dates and all?" He asked Paul. "Yeah, since we have been sitting here. Let's see graduation is the twenty fourth of May, so how about the Friday before, the seventeenth?" Paul suggested. "They'll never understand it." Nate said. "Yeah, that sounds good to me." Nate finished.  "So let's see it's the ninth right?" Paul asked. "Yeah." Nate answered him as he was pulling fuse wire through one of the pipes. "That's, let's see." Paul sat there on the floor facing Nate computing  the numbers in his head. "One hundred and fifty-nine days." Neither one of them said a word as the number of days that they had left rang through their mind. "Ok, I can't do this anymore." Paul said putting the bomb down. "My hands are killing me." The twisting motion of the wire had gotten to his wrist.

 

    "Well here we are again Mr. Police officials." Paul began as Nate held the camera. Nate took a quick shot of the soccer field. "We snuck out of the house, which was pretty damn easy, mom isn't home and my dad could sleep through an elephant fucking." Both boys laughed to one another then as Paul said that. "It's December the tenth and we have one hundred and fifty-eight days left and counting to the big finale." He stated looking into the camera. Nate followed Paul as he walked to the middle of the fields and sat the propane tank with the timer down on the ground. He set it with the instruction of Nate and they started walking towards the tunnel under the little road. "Ok folks we're gonna turn this off for a second because we want you to wait till D-day to really see the destructive power of one of these babies." Paul stated. They had set it for fifteen minutes, so now all they had to do was wait. Nate then turned the  camera off.

****

 

 

 


	11. Plans and Regrets

    They reached the small dirt road and crawled underneath it into the drainage pipe below. They stood on either side of it looking at each other. The moon was beautiful and the glow of it on the landscape was extraordinary. They lit cigarettes and didn't say a word to one another for a few moments. They were dressed all in black and their trench coats whipped against their legs, and their boots kept their feet from getting wet as they had tracked through the tall grass. They stood there smoking cigarettes and contemplating what the tank was going to do. Paul was first to break the awkward silence that filled the pipe. "Hey Nate, in case I never get a chance or I just forget, I want to tell you seriously, thank you for being my friend, I've never known anyone like you." Paul said with complete sincerity. "Yeah, I'm gonna miss you...miss us." Nate said looking down at the water that surrounded his feet. Paul looked up at the ceiling of the pipe. "Shit, here we are, we almost have all of our weapons ready for the day, what are we gonna do with the next few months?" Paul asked him then. "Enjoy it, I guess." Nate said quietly. A gust of wind blew around them as they stood there and they could hear the trees and weeds rustle within it's wake. They heard a slight tick as the ground shook then below them. They both hurriedly poked their heads out the other end of the tunnel, jaws dropped in awe of the homemade annihilation they had just created. The ground around the tank was orange for a moment, and they could see the grass surrounding it was in small flames. The tank made and earthly thud as it's remains came back to rest on the ground below. The wind rippled their hair, and Nate put his hand on his hat to keep it from blowing off. The glow of the explosion reflected in their eyes. They could hear dogs barking in the distance. "Well, there you go." Paul said smiling widely still amazed and proud of the destruction. The grass was still smoldering as they retraced their steps back to the tall grass and walked through the waist high weeds with only the moonlight to illuminate their path. They reached Paul's house but were too excited to go to sleep. They spent the rest of the morning recalling memories they had had of when they were younger, laughing and drinking Bill’s beer.

    Christmas at the Durham house was different this year as Howard was no longer living there with them. Janice couldn't believe how much one year had changed everything. She at least had the boys and she was glad of that. Howard was taking his fiancé on a trip for Christmas so he had the boys the weekend before. Nate had had a pretty good time, he mentioned to Janice that they talked about taking a trip to Missouri in the spring to check out the campus of the college for Nate had found out his chances for acceptance were really good. He had received a letter in the mail stating so a few days after he and Paul had tested the propane bomb. He thought if he were going he was going to major in chemistry after the experiment. He and Amanda kept contact, went out occasionally in the last few weeks, but he really didn't know where they stood yet. They hadn't slept together since that night. Nate wasn't really interested in doing it, he figured it was the depression, for he had read somewhere that it could cause your sex drive to decrease dramatically. Paul had been busy helping Bill put lights on the trim of the house and putting up the tree. There were days when they almost forgot that this would be their last Christmas. Janice had cooked a special dinner just for her and the boys on Christmas Day. Nate thought if was perfect and enjoyed everything about the day with his mom, gorging on her cooking until he physically ached.

    The Langley house was adorned for the holiday to the hilt, for to their surprise, Casey and his newly pregnant wife had traveled to Ohio for Christmas. They talked some more about Paul coming out to stay with him in California, and Paul acted interested as they discussed the activities they could do. He didn't know if it was his impending father hood or the fact that he was getting older, but Paul had never seen Casey like this before, it was as if he was really happy to be surrounded by his family. Margaret was thrilled that she was becoming a grandmother but Bill wasn't exactly happy at the reminder that he was growing older. Casey promised to get them information of Paul's plane tickets and Paul did his best to act excited. The boys had begun going to midnight bowling on Saturday nights after work with Bruce, Chris, Amanda and a few others. It was a lot of fun and Paul enjoyed being around everyone in the group. There was never a mention of the gun, Nick, or the pipe bomb in the car and Chris never mentioned it. They just bowled and smoked and had a good time. Rory started trying to flirt with Paul again, but he took it all in stride. When they returned to Westvale it would be the last semester they would ever spend there and they were very much looking forward to graduation. They had yet to discover that two of their friends had plans in the making that would make graduation pale in comparison. Nate and Paul kept their terrible secret disclosed and were becoming more inseparable every day. Sometimes it was if they had an inestimable bond, and in reality they did...death.

     The snow had begun falling in Westvale and it had transformed rooftops into white mushrooms of snow. They had received at least ten inches in the past week and winter had come on hard this December, more so than normal. Every time it saw a chance to melt, another artic blast would follow and the ice and snow would accompany it. School was still out because of the holidays and kids were getting bored at an alarming rate.

    Nate had gone over to Amanda's to hang out in the morning against his mother's wishes of him driving, and she had taken Beau onto daycare. Traveling on the ice covered roads made Amanda nervous, but she knew that Nate was anxious to get out with it being New Year's Eve. The pizza shop was closed and there was really no one going anywhere unless you had to work, which all of their parents had to except for Amanda's step father, whom she didn't care to be in the same room with after their incident. Paul had been given a new game system for Christmas and Nate was in a hurry to go and try it out. They had really only seen each other at work since Christmas, and now the weather situation had kept them pretty dormant.

    Amanda held on tight to the door's arm rest as they fishtailed around a corner on the ice on the way to Paul's house. "I'm so frigging glad I don't have to work tonight. When my mom comes home, she's leaving for my aunt's for New Year's Day. I'll have the house all to myself tonight, and that my friend is a very cool thing indeed. Let's see we need to get Chris, and Paul, maybe Bruce, you...” He said smiling at her for a second, and I don't know...Rory, yeah, Rory." Nate was suggesting. "What are _we_ gonna do?" Amanda asked. "Well, we're getting Paul's game system; alcohol would be good, enough cigarettes and movies or something since we have some more snow moving in and all." "No offense Nate, but aren't we a little old for video games?" Amanda asked with a snicker. "You never outgrow slaughtering your opponent, like in Doom, man that's some gory shit, it's great." Nate said through his teeth. "Ok, whatever." Amanda commented. "I thought maybe we could be alone." Amanda then suggested. "Why don't you want to be with your friends?" "It's not that I don't want to be with them, it's just I was hoping for some alone time, so we could, well, you know, be together and stuff, yah know?" She said shyly. "Amanda there is more to life than getting laid. We have plenty of time for that." He added. "You know what's funny about this conversation Nate?" She asked him then. "What?" "It's fucking backwards!" She yelled laughing. "You're supposed to want to get me alone so you can ravage me when all you want to ravage is a television screen. Sometimes I don't get you." She said giggling. "Everyone won't be there all night, or awake, so we'll have time for that, ok, I promise." He assured grabbing her hand. The car slid a bit and he let go of her hand wrapping his fingers tightly around the steering wheel. "Oh my god I'm gonna die!" Amanda playfully screamed. "You are not going to die." He answered sarcastically.

    They reached the Langley residence and Amanda was relieved. "Hey are you about ready?" Nate asked Paul as he walked in the front door. "Who all is coming over tonight?" Paul asked. "Don't worry Rory is going to be there." Amanda answered rolling her eyes. "I wasn't asking about Rory!" He loudly retorted. "Yes, you were, I wasn't born last week." Amanda laughed. "You don't know me." Paul insisted then. "Oh holy shit, I'm not gonna stand here and have this fight with you moron." She said to him jokingly. "Children, behave!" Nate said intervening in their pseudo argument. "She fucking started it!" Paul said laughing and grabbing his game system. "Does your mom know about this little gathering?" Paul inquired. "Well, she really doesn't care if you guys are there, she's just got to come home, grab her bags and get things for Beau and then they're off. The others won't show up until she's gone." Nate finished. "Kosher." Paul answered putting on his coat. "Well I told Margaret and Bill that I was staying at your house for the night, so I'm set." Nate had never heard Paul call his parents by their first names until that moment and he thought it was odd. _"Yet, everything we do has an oddity about it, considering our impending doom."_ He thought to himself.

    The three piled into the car and Paul settled into the backseat with his games and a change of clothes. "I need a cigarette, somebody give me a cigarette." Paul insisted. Nate reached into the glove compartment and retrieved one for him and lit it, handing it over to the backseat. They reached Nate's house, just as Janice was pulling up. Paul quickly extinguished his cigarette for he didn’t want Janice to see him. "Hey guys what are you all doing?" She asked. "Nothing, just gonna hang out." Paul answered. "Nate I left you money to eat on and stuff on the kitchen counter by the microwave." She said to him as she moved about the house. Janice went to her bedroom to gather her things to get ready for her trip with Nate following behind her, leaving Paul and Amanda in the living room with Beau while Paul hooked up his game ensemble to the television. "That thing better not mess up the tv." She warned Nate. "It won't mom, don't worry." Nate assured her. "Are you sure you are going to be ok driving to Kathy's?" "Yeah, they didn't get hit as hard as we did and they have kept the highways pretty clear. I'm used to it; don't worry about me, Nate." She pleaded with him enjoying his concern for her. "I just want you and Beau to be alright, that's all." Nate added. "Nate make sure Beau has his stuff together for me, ok?" Nate had finished helping his mom get Beau packed up and then helped her load the minivan. "He stood and watched them drive away and he waved goodbye to Beau.

    He went back into the house joining Paul and Amanda. Amanda was playing the game with Paul and losing miserably. "Hey little liar, I thought you were too immature to play with 'video games'." He said making quotations with his fingers. "Well you can tell she hasn't much, because she sucks!" Paul screamed playfully. "Fuck you jerk!" She yelled back. Paul defeated her and put his controller back on the floor. "Fuck this shit!" Amanda moaned. "Haaa Haaa!" Paul said in an evil voice at his victory. "Ok let's cut the shit and get Rory over here." Paul said excitedly. "Ok, after all the shit you said to her?" Amanda joked with him then. "What shit are you talking about?" Paul asked innocently. "She's one of my best friends, dipshit, don't play stupid. You know you like her, you're just still stuck on that stupid bitch Michelle." Amanda said laughing. Nate tried not to laugh at this but it couldn't be helped. "Fuck that, she's betrothed!" Paul answered a little annoyed by her comment. "She's getting married? How damn old is this chick anyways?" Amanda asked. "Old enough to be his mother." Nate joked with him then. "Fuck you asshole, get out of my face and take this little 'blonde' bitch wi' yah!" Paul yelled trying not to laugh as he joked around with them. Just then in a silly motion, Amanda jumped off the floor and grabbed Nate around the neck and hugged him tight. He put his arms around her, smiling. Paul looked at them and it was if the moment had stood still. He saw something in his friend's face he had never seen before. Nate's eyes were closed and he looked, for that moment, content with everything in the world as he held this girl in his arms.

   Paul got up off the floor and dug his wallet out of his black fatigues and grabbed the phone in the kitchen. He nervously dialed the number on the folded piece of paper. "Hello?" Rory answered. "Hey there girly, you wanna come over and hang with us?" Paul asked her then. "Where the hell are you at? I don't recognize the number." Rory asked him. "We're at Nate's. Are you coming?" He asked her. "Who all is gonna be there?" "I think it should be just the four of us." Paul said to her. "We thought about Chris and Bruce, but I don't know, I'm not really in the mood for them." He said to her. "Oh, but you're in the mood for me?" Rory asked jokingly. "Hey it's New Year's Eve!" Paul yelled. "Damn psycho, don't make me go deaf." She laughed. She was elated that he was asking her over, and not Amanda. "We have some pretty spectacular explosives to let off at Midnight." He told her. "Yeah, I know...remember." Rory said seriously. "Oh yeah...shit." Paul slightly laughed. "Give me thirty." "Ok, see yah then." He answered. "Cool, Rory is coming." He said as he walked back into the living room where Nate and Amanda were putting their coats on. "Where the hell are you two going?" He asked them. "To get something to eat and try our best to get our hands on some alcohol so you and Rory can get shit-faced and we won't have to deal with the two of you." Nate responded. "Well, I'll wait here for Rory." Paul said. "No shit!" Amanda said sarcastically as her and Nate laughed. "What the hell did I tell you, get her out of here." Paul retorted joking with Nate. "I'm trying...let's go Amanda!" Nate said to her as she was taking her time putting her coat on. Paul couldn't remember when he had had more fun than he was having now. "Hey Nate!" Paul yelled to him as they reached the driveway. "Enjoy it, right?" He asked smiling. Knowing exactly what his best friend meant he turned around and smiled, "yes."

    Nate and Amanda had not returned so Paul just lay on the couch channel surfing with the remote. The doorbell rang and it startled him. He wondered why Nate and Amanda would ring the doorbell. Paul opened the door and Rory was standing there shivering. "You look like a popsicle." He told her. "I feel like one, my fucking wagon has shitty heat!" "That's a shitter." He answered. She took a seat next to him on the couch and he was thinking of something to say to her. "So what you been up to?" He asked generically. "Not really much of anything." She answered. Paul looked at her and couldn't believe how cute she looked. She was wearing a pair of Levis and donned a pair of combat boots with her jeans tucked inside them topped off by a long sleeved t-shirt with Rammstein in bold red lettering on the front. She wore her hair in pigtails. It was still the same color, but longer than he had recalled. It had been a couple of months since he had seen her. Her nails had been professionally done, and were painted a blood red to match her lipstick. "Seeing anyone?" He asked her curiously. "I went out with this one guy, but he wanted to tell me that I should dress different, so that didn't last long." She snickered rolling her eyes. "You?" “No.” He answered looking at his feet. “I saw Michelle, though, she's getting married. And contrary to popular belief I’m not stuck on her." He smirked. "Oh." She said quietly. "Boy Amanda and that mouth of her's we're really going to have to have a talk." She said embarrassed. "Truly, I'm not stuck on her, I think I was for a while, but I rarely think of her anymore. I think about the sex though." He said blushing. "Well, you always think of that." Rory laughed playfully punching him on the arm. "Oh, you mean you're not a cherry?" He joked with her. "Hardly…and I'll admit it." Rory said referring to the lie that Amanda had told Nate. "I heard a car door, is that them?" Rory asked getting up and going to the front door. "Hey assholes!" Rory said as she playfully greeted Nate and Amanda as they entered the residence. "Hey I'm glad you made it here ok." Amanda said hugging her friend. "They don't bother me." Rory said of the road conditions. "There was no one to buy us any juice of any sort, but Nate thinks his mom has some in the cabinet." Amanda commented. "Are you friggin' serious?" Paul whined with disappointment. "Hey I got some snacks and stuff....cigarettes." Nate added emptying the plastic grocery bad. "Oh big whoop!" Paul said rolling his eyes. "Seriously… me and you don't need the shit." Rory said to Paul laughing, recollecting the first night they met. Nate turned the television off and turned up the stereo. "Put something good on!" Paul yelled from the kitchen as he searched the cabinets. Nate went to his room to retrieve some cd's. He came back with some jazz and some of Paul’s favorites, KMFDM, Nine inch nails and Front 242. "That's better." Paul said. "Hey play some of that jazz stuff, it's sexy." Rory said sarcastically looking in Paul’s direction. Nate put it in the player going along with her sarcasm. The first song was mostly saxophone and was pretty slow. "This stuff makes me want to grab somebody." Amanda stated being silly. "Don't grab me; I don't want to be grabbed." Nate warned her as he sat down on the couch. Paul walked onto the side of the kitchen where Rory was pouring herself a glass of Coke and stood next to her. She got in front of him and pushed herself into him. She placed head on his shoulder and whispered in his ear, "Wanna get laid tonight?" She stepped back a couple steps waiting for his reply. "Definitely." He answered in a serious tone without smiling. She couldn't make out this reaction. "You can be so weird sometimes, Paul." She commented. He just stood there for a minute. "I'll give you what you want." He answered. "Don't you want it too?" She giggled. "More than you know." He said still not making a change in facial expression. "We don't have to be together you know." Paul felt a great relief when she said that. She looked into her cup of soda smiling.

    They went back into the living room with Nate and Amanda. Paul walked over and took the cd out of the player and exchanged it for one of the others. They sat there for over an hour laughing and making jokes about other people they knew and teachers at Westvale. They ate the snacks Nate had purchased and smoked cigarettes. Paul wondered for a moment if he would see this time flash in his mind before he died as being one of the best. They finally found some brandy and leftover rum and mixed it with their sodas becoming a little more than tipsy, but didn't have enough to be drunk.

    Midnight was approaching and Paul went over to his coat and reached in the pockets and pulled out two of the thirty some pipe bombs they had constructed. "What the hell, Paul?" Rory asked. "Well, you found them, so I thought I would get rid of them." He said giving Nate a knowing look. "Yeah, we got in trouble from his dad for having them, so we're gonna get rid of them, and there are so many people shooting guns and fireworks, they'll never know." Nate explained. The girls accepted this for true and walked into the back yard with them. "Jesus it’s fucking cold!" Amanda screeched. It had officially become midnight and Amanda grabbed Nate for a long kiss. Rory put her arm around Paul and stuck her tongue in his ear. "What the hell?" he exclaimed wiping his ear. They all began to laugh as both boys made their way to the back of the large yard and Rory watched them carefully. Something inside of her was causing her to shake more than the cold, but she couldn't put a finger on it. Nate's backyard backed up to a field, so he wasn't really concerned about the small bomb. They lit the fuses and walked back to the porch with an eerie calm about the whole deal. The bombs exploded into a million pieces making a deafening crack that hurt the girl's ears. "Damn it! You didn't say the fuckers were so loud." Rory said slightly scared. Amanda couldn't take her eyes off of what she had just seen, they were more powerful than she had expected. "How did you make that?" Amanda asked Nate seriously then. "Ah, it's easy. The internet, the school library." Nate answered her laughing. "Yeah, that's the funniest one, truly, the library at Westvale." Paul added. The girls didn't quite understand, but then, they weren't meant to. Fireworks started going off in other directions. They heard a few gunshots and went back inside to get out of the bitter cold.

   They watched television for a little while as Amanda and Nate lay on the couch together and Paul and Rory had stretched out on the floor. The foursome had become less conversational and was growing tired. Amanda leaned up and whispered to Nate. "I want to go to your room." She said smiling. "Ok." He whispered back. She got off the couch and grabbed Nate's hand smiling at him. "Hey I think we're going to retire." Nate told them. "Hey Rory don't worry about me, they think I'm with you, and I am." She said speaking of her parents. "Well, mine know its New Year's and I'm eighteen, sooo, there's not a whole lot to say to me." Rory explained laughing.

   They made it to Nate's room and closed and locked the door. Paul turned to Rory and said, "Ok, now he can't tell me he's not screwing her." "He told you he wasn't?" Rory asked him. "Why must I be the keeper of information?" Rory said giggling. "Yeah, I knew they did it before Christmas when her and Barry got into that fight and she snuck over here, I don't know why he couldn't just tell me." Paul said annoyed. "Is it really that important to know your friend's sex life?" She asked. "I guess." He said smiling. "What about your sex life, Paul? Come on, get her out of your system once and for all, this is the only way you're ever going to do it." She giggled coaxing him to her. He raised his head to her as she was balanced on her elbow over him. He started kissing her. She backed away from him for a minute. "I don't really remember the first time you kissed me." She said recalling how drunk they had been when they first kissed. He grabbed the back of her head and pulled her down to him. "Let's get up on the couch." He requested. Rory looked back towards the couch as she stood. "Ok." She answered walking in that direction. They stood in front of the couch for a moment kissing and hugging each other. She held onto his sides as she kissed his neck and shoulders making her way to his chin as he caressed her back. She then reached for the zipper on his fatigues and started trying to undress him. "Here…damn.” He said with a nervous chuckle finishing it for her. She took a step back taking her t-shirt off. She then sat on the couch with him and they removed their shoes. She then wiggled her way out of her jeans. She stood there for a minute letting him have a good look at her. “ _She has a much better body than Michelle.”_ He thought to himself as he removed the rest of his clothing. She turned then and grabbed the throw blanket off of the recliner and lay down on the couch covering herself with it. "Get in here with me, it's warm." Paul was more nervous than he had been with Michelle. He thought this was awkward. He got on the couch with her turning off the lamp off on the end table leaving them in the dark. He thought it was cool that she was brave enough to get undressed with the lights being on so he could see her, and he had liked very much what he had seen. They kissed a bit longer and his nervousness subsided.

    "You got it?" Nate asked Paul. "Yeah, shoot!" He yelled at him with the video camera in his hand. Nate turned around to the tree and shot the Winchester a couple of times. Paul took the camera over to the tree and filmed the entry hole it had created. "Look at that shit! Imagine that being someone's fucking guts!" Paul laughed. Nate handed the gun to Paul and then retrieved the camera. Paul stood with his legs apart holding the nine millimeter with both hands and fired three rounds. "Ah fuck yes! For the love!" Paul screamed out. They took turns passing the camera between them firing their weapons. They knew they had to be at work soon, but it had been a beautiful day for shooting. It was still quite cold so both of them were decked out in their fatigues and trench coats. They could see their breath and the camera captured how excited they were when firing. They put their weapons in the car and got in to leave for work. March was a tricky month for weather. It had been awfully cold, they were still receiving bouts of snow but the days that were cold and filled with sunshine were the ones they looked forward to most. They stashed the camera in the trunk and got to Hilltop pizza and worked their shifts as if nothing was out of the ordinary. That night Paul felt more depressed and anxious than he had been in a while. He reached over for his journal before falling asleep.

_Oh wow it's been awhile Death and Rants! How is my old friend anyway? Well I got laid on New Year's Eve, that's about the top of my highlights; except for I have less than three months to live. Me and Nate were just discussing tonight, on the way home what would be the best way to go in to fucking waste as many of you as possible. He picked around eleven thirty for Amanda goes home for lunch now that her schedule has changed. I have some really stupid classes this semester. I've become a real fucking slacker when it comes to school work. Dad has been giving me more shit than usual about my nonexistent future. Dad…shotgun + mouth= future. I don't give a fuck. I can't wait till he doesn't have to worry anymore. Amanda is all excited about her stupid fucking prom. She's already got her dress picked out. Poor girl. Nate was laughing he said maybe she'll be so screwed up by what happens to Nate that she will kill herself and he can have a piece of ass in hell. Yeah, he finally kind of had to admit he was balling her. Dave Brach is in my World History class, fucktard. He was throwing spit balls at me the other day, how fucking mature, real second grade shit. I didn't act as if I noticed, but I guess that's what made it so funny. I'm tired of being the butt of the joke. Mother fucker already has another car. A mustang. He bragged how much insurance will pay out on sports cars. No, it's how much mommy and daddy are willing to spend on your worthless ass. We followed them around one day and realized at the time of the attack they will be in study hall. That's just perfect, there's only one set of double doors...no way out. Nate pointed this out and it was perfect. It still amazes me the act that Nate can carry on. I don't give him enough credit. He's put just as much planning in this as I have, yet from the outside it looks as if he's completely stuck on that stupid little bitch. He and his dad went to Missouri State to look over things and he said it was cool, alot of hot chicks, but he enjoyed just being with his dad more. Me and Bill hardly speak and my mom has got her ass so deep in this craft shit and all, she travels now on the weekends and works during the week, I hardly see her. It's as if I'm already gone. Kind of makes me laugh. Rory was amazing. I'll never forget that, I'll definitely take that with me. She started dating some guy from her computer tech class so I don’t talk to her much unless she's with Amanda. I've been trying to work a lot more hours at work when Greg will give them to me. We went to a gun show last weekend and I purchased ammunition belts to wear and a blade strap for my leg. Nate bought some similar garb. WE'RE READY FOR WAR FUCKERS. DEATH WILL BE WORTH SEEING DAVE'S BRAINS!!!!! Oh excuse me, Mr. Detective, I'm rather disturbed. I'M NOT INSANE I'M JUST REALLY PISSED OFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!_


	12. Those Not to Be Forgiven

     "For the love of God, can you walk any damn faster?" Nate barked after Paul as they walked from their car to the school. "Who cares to be on time to hell?” Paul retorted. They got inside and went their separate ways. Paul hated first hour, for first hour meant World History and that meant Dave Brach and a few of his associates like Kyle and Eric. Paul got to his locker to unload some of his books and he could already hear them laughing about something around the corner, but couldn't tell what it was. He got his necessary books and supplies and placed them in his back pack and headed for the classroom. Paul barely made it into class before the bell rang and Dave leaned over the desk next to him so Paul could hear him. "Hey there sister, you made it by the hair on your balls." He said snickering. Kyle then leaned over closer to Dave. "Hey, they shave, he's a fag, remember?" A lot of the kids had heard this then and a muffled laughter filled the room all in Paul's direction. Paul didn't make a sound but instead just glared at his desk and did his next assignment without saying a word.

    The bell finally rang dismissing class and Dave stood around outside in the hallway waiting around for a couple of friends. Everyone else had exited the hallway and Paul stood there looking at him for a moment thinking of what to say. Dave noticed this and shot a scowl his way. "What the hell are you looking at you little queer son of a bitch?" Paul just had a slight smile and the words then seemed to roll from his lips. "I have never been mean to you, not once. In fact, when we were in the eighth grade, you were my sit up partner in gym class. Do you recall this?" Paul stood there looking at him waiting for an answer. "I have never hung around with fags, you little fuck!" Dave retorted. "I can't believe how ignorant you have become, you were new then, and I was nice to you, I helped you, and this, this is how you repay me. You ridicule me, push me, and hit me. What the hell did I ever do to make you hate me so fucking much?" Paul asked him blatantly. Paul genuinely wanted answers to this question. He wanted to know what makes someone turn so much against another person. "Look at the way you fucking are! You fucking ask for this shit! I stopped hanging around with you, fag, when everyone let me see the light, you are a mentally deranged little fuck wad! Now get the hell out of here before I break your god damned face!" Paul just smiled shaking his head and walked in the other direction. _"Well at least I know why I'm going to get rid of you; you don't deserve the life that has been given to you."_ Paul said to himself as he went down the stairs to his second hour.

     That Wednesday Nate and Paul went to work and it was fairly busy due to the new buffet which had been opened. Paul was busy managing the register and cleaning up tables. It was almost time for them to close when he noticed a familiar car drive up in the parking lot. Rory got out of the driver's side and an unidentified male got out on the other side. They entered the restaurant. He and Rory came up to the register to place an order. "Hey Paul, how have you been, I've been meaning to call you, I've just been really busy and stuff. I got a new job at a boutique in the mall. I'm working more hours so I can pay for junior college next year. Oh sorry, this is my boyfriend, Grant. Grant this is Paul." Paul shook his hand then not knowing really what to say. They placed their order. "What are you doing in Westvale?" Paul asked her before she went to sitl down. "Oh, I had to bring Amanda home. We've been out finishing up our prom shopping." she explained. "Nate is going to love the way she looks, she got this really cute, short, black dress." She added. "You been doing ok? You seem different." She asked him then taking a good look at him. "Yeah, I've been great. You guys sure take this prom thing rather seriously." Paul laughed. "Well if you don't get out now and get your stuff, there won't be anything worth buying left." She said to him. "Well, I'll call you sometime, ok?" She finished as she left the counter to fill her cup at the soda fountain. "Sure." He answered. He went in the back to get a clean rag when Greg came around the corner. "Hey why don't you go ahead and get out of here, Paul. I've got enough to close." He offered him. "Ok, I guess." Paul answered going towards the time clock. He poked his head around the back. "Hey I'm outta here, man." Nate looked up from the toppings table. "I'll call you when I get home." Nate yelled back to him. Paul walked out the back of the restaurant to get to his car, plus he really didn't want to have to see Rory again and withstand awkward conversation with her boyfriend present.

      He walked into the house and laid his coat on the stairs that led up to his parent's bedroom. He went to the kitchen and made himself a glass of chocolate milk. He went to sit at the table and opened up a letter addressed to him that his mother had laid there for him to find. It was from the Marine Corps asking him if he was ready to try and enlist. He placed the letter down in front of him and just looked at it. He finished his milk and took the letter and crumpled it up. He held it in his fist for a moment squeezing it with everything he had. Bill walked into the room just then on his way to the kitchen. "Hey did you see your mail? Maybe we should see about getting you off the meds and letting you work for a year and then seeing if maybe you can get in." He suggested before making himself a snack. "Where's mom?" Paul asked avoiding his questioning. "Uh, she went first to the store, and then she's got some things to pick up over at Sharon Zolosky's…craft stuff. They have big show planned for a couple of weekends from now. What do you think about this Marine thing?" He asked Paul again. "God, dad, I don't know about a lot of things." He answered staring blankly at the wall. "So what you gonna do about prom? I was getting the tires rotated on the truck and there was this little girl who was talking about Westvale and I told her my son went there, she said she knew who you were, but didn't know you well. She said she was afraid she wasn't going to go, because she didn't have a date." Bill explained. "Dad, please don't do me any favors, once she remembers who I am, she would laugh anyways." Paul said laying his head on the table. "What the hell are you talking about?" Bill asked puzzled by his son's remark. "Dad, there are some things you just don't do, and get me dates for things I don't care to attend would be one of those." Paul said barely muttering. "You know, what the hell has been the matter with you anyway? You've been moping around this damned house for weeks now feeling damned sorry for yourself. You need to start getting your shit together and figure out what you're going to do, yah know? Maybe you should go stay with Casey for a month or so." Bill suggested. "Yeah, they're gonna have a new baby soon, I'd just be in the way." Paul stated. "You don't know that." Bill said coming into the dining room sitting down next to him. "Oh, yeah sure, all of a sudden after what, ten years, Casey comes around and he's you guy's big hero. He's here to take the little ingrate and show him how to be a responsible person after he couldn't have given a shit for all these years. He's never even asked me about my friends...my life." Paul commented wanting to say more but restraining from it. "You have decent friends; Nate is the best kid I've ever known." Bill commented. "Yeah, dad, I'm glad you know." Paul said getting up from the table. "Hey sir, you are walking a very thin line, here!" Bill yelled at him then. "You don't know how thin." Paul said then turning towards him. "Get out of my sight for a while." Bill said turning from him. "No problem." Paul stormed to the hallway and down the stairs to his basement and sat in front of his computer for a while deleting things on his website only leaving the links and lyrics to a Nine Inch Nails song. He no longer saw the reasoning in demonstrating his hatred and opinions; he had become the hatred itself. He looked over to the side of the bed and there lie the video camera. He reached over and grabbed it holding it in front of him. He positioned himself on his bed, with his back to the headboard and faced the camera and turned it on. He then began speaking.

 _"Hey mom and dad, this is so pathetic, I would do anything not to give you your run of the mill suicide note, for this will not be the regular suicide. I've tried desperately to fill the shoes of the son you wanted. I'm different, that's all. When I think of dying, I think of the times that, mom, you brought me Twizzlers and Yoo hoos, and how every time you would gas up the car you would let me get an Icee and beef jerky. Thank you for loving me mom. You will never understand how sorry I am for this, just know I am happy and I have no more pain, no more torture. They can't hurt me anymore. I stopped taking the medication over a year ago, they'll try to blame that, they'll try to blame a lot of things, like you and dad, I know it. And I'm sorry for that. You two know that I am not really a cold blooded murderer, and I want you to know that under different circumstances I probably never would’ve been. I don't even know how long it will be before you get to see this, they'll take our house apart, but don't worry, I don't want to cause you any more mess than you will already have, I will leave most of this out for them. I know what they’ll want, they’ll want answers. They will not have many, just many questions. Me and Nate will be deceased, there will be no one left to convict, though they'll torture my friends, you can count on that. Our acquaintances are completely innocent. I just want to say that, first and foremost. Our friends will have no idea. They've had none. But you two will learn every single detail of my life, personal and otherwise. It is right you should, you gave birth to me._ Paul hung his head for a moment wiping a tear from his eye. He turned the camera back once again on himself. _"I hope you all enjoy your grandchild, have a nice life guys."_ He turned the camera off then for the rest of the evening.

     Paul just lay there in the darkness after he turned off the recording. He listened to the house make it's many noises, like the snow melting and falling off of the roof, the sound of the heater when it buzzed on, the television in the living room. The plumbing sounds that came from the toilet that needed to be fixed in the main hallway and the creek of the walls and the roof when the house was settling. He could hear his own heart beating. He jumped then as his phone rang. He could see the number pad glowing in the dark, and picked it up. "Yeah." For he knew it was Nate. _"Hey what's going on?"_ Nate asked him. "So why couldn't you take me to work today? I'm just asking." Paul inquired. _"Oh, I had to go get fitted for a tux before I went to work, sorry about that."_ Nate responded. "So you are really going?" Paul asked him _. "Yeah, I'm really going I suppose. Amanda is fucking freaking out about everything; you would think we were getting married."_ Nate laughed. "You haven't said any shit like that, I hear of couples all around the school already talking about marriage and it freaks me out, yah know." Paul explained. _"Hell no…I never really wanted to be married anyway, I guess my parents have a little something to do with that."_ Nate answered seriously _. "It's been pretty cool having Amanda, I just hope someone makes her real happy someday, she really deserves that, and I mean that._ _After they get finished with her, because of all our shit, she'll deserve some kind of happiness."_ Nate said yawning. _"Sometimes I just want to just jump and shout that we're really gonna do this, I'm really getting anxious."_   Nate added. "I just get more depressed, but I'm looking forward to really shooting someone, I can't believe I have come down to this…all this hate…seriously." Paul said then _. "It's not all their faults but for the most part it is."_ Nate commented. "Yeah." _"Hey how many days? I haven't been keeping track like I should be."_ Nate asked. "Uh, oh…shit, hang on. Let's see it's Wednesday the eighteenth of March, uh, we have sixty days left." He said as he added it up on the calculator from his desk. _"Shit, just sixty days, almost two months exactly."_ Nate responded. "Yep, and the blood will pour." Paul said laughing then. _"You know we're gonna be more nervous than a cat in a room full of fucking rocking chairs."_ Nate laughed. "Well, we could always take some of my pills, they'll keep you pretty calm." Paul suggested laughing. _"I've got to get to bed."_ "Yeah me too, I don't think I'm gonna sleep very much tonight, but I'll meet up with you in the morning.” Paul reminded him.

 

         Nate's car was rolling down an interstate on the way to a place they knew well. It had finally stopped snowing. Spring was trying it's best to begin. The sun had come out more than it had in a long time. And through patches of melting snow here and there, you could see signs of life beginning again. The trees were already beginning to turn green and bud and the temperature had already climbed into the seventies a couple of times. Paul had the window cracked letting his cigarette smoke out. He held the video camera between his legs. He finished his cigarette, tossing it out of the passenger side window. He then grabbed the camera, turning it on and pointing it towards Nate. "So tell these good people where we are going on this beautiful Sunday, April the seventeenth?" Paul asked him. "We are going to the Indian Wood Lake, where we spent some of our childhood and then some. It's a great day for a road trip." Nate added. "This will be the most curious thing, how two murderers spend their last days on earth, before they kill as many people as possible before taking their own lives." Nate said smiling. "Well, here it is." Paul finished. He continued to film Nate, the road ahead of them and kept narrating. "Yeah, we love this place, our parents used to bring us here when we were younger, it's cool. Remember it guys?" He said directing the question to their parents. "All those fuckers aint gonna know what hit them. It makes me think of Rory, I don't think she'll be all that surprised. She was great in the sex department, thank you for that gal, I needed it, more than you know." Paul laughed then. He turned the camera back to Nate. "Yeah, I haven't decided what to say about Amanda...uh, I love it when you go down my pants, thank you for that, thanks for kissing me the way you do with your tongue." After Nate said that, both boys started laughing. "No seriously, we would like to send our condolences to all of our true friends, let's see, Chris, Bruce, Steve from Hilltop, you and Jessica, Rory and Amanda. Thank you for appreciating us." Paul finished. "Yeah, thanks for that." Nate said raising his eyebrows up and down smiling. "This is a marked event; it's exactly a month before we do this deed. We had to commemorate it somehow." Paul explained. "My friend Nate, here, is going to Prom in less than a month, and then that'll really be it. We are ready, we are armed to the hilt, our bombs are fresh, our ammunition has already been loaded, and my straps have already been tried on so I know they will fit, with my extra artillery inside of them." Paul finished. "Yeah, my tech is hot and ready...I can't wait." Nate added. "I'm saving the nine millimeter for you, Mr. Brach, I want to blow your brains out point blank, and I get a hard on just imaging that man, thanks for the fantasy." Nate commented and they both began laughing. "We are ready for you, there will be innocent people killed too, we're kind of sorry about that. This is what mankind has created, we hate it all, all of you with your inborn ideas, and you are so fucked up." Paul finished as they pulled up at the dock. "Well, we're here." Paul said shutting the camera off for a moment.

   "It's called the wave of the future and a lesson to humanity." Paul said turning the camera back on. They sat the camera on a stump as they had walked partly into the field by the lake where a campsite hadn't been cleared yet for the upcoming season. They both pointed their weapons at the camera. "You, all who know our plot, hear us now, take charge too, it's alright, be strong, take aim at your future literally." Nate said holding onto the tech nine. They both smirked. "Follow us, you who have yet to find your plight; it will bring you a great power and pleasure knowing that you can be in charge of your own destiny and the destinies of others." Nate finished. They held their weapons at their sides then. "Many will understand why we did this; many will not but for those of you who do, let your voice be heard, loud and clear." Paul said into the camera then. "Are you ready to die for the cause?" Nate turned asking Paul. "More ready than I will ever be." Paul stooped down and put his face to the camera. "There will be nothing to question but the ignorance of others, the others that have brought this revenge on themselves; they had to know someday we would make them pay. You can hide and run, hide all over that school, possibly under your seat, but little if nothing will save you from the seventeenth." Paul laughed then, hey that was cool it rhymes. They both laughed as the camera rolled.

 

     Amanda stood in front of her mirror checking her hair that had been done at the beauty salon. She slid on her satin high heels that matched her black dress. She took the earrings from their box and placed one in each ear. She had her hair pinned to the top of her head and ringlet curls hung down in front of her ears and a few strands in the back. Her make-up was perfect. She then reached over and spritzed on the cologne she had bought solely for this evening. She turned to her bed and put the long black gloves on her arms. She took one long look in the mirror and smiled at what she saw. She took a deep breath and walked into the living room where her mom and Barry were ready with camera in hand. She entered the room from the hall. "Oh look at you; you look like a real life Barbie doll." Her mother said with her hands over her mouth, taking in how beautiful her daughter looked. "Well, ok smile missy." Barry said to her pointing the camera in her direction. She turned and gave her best smile. She was nervous in anticipation of the night to come. "I feel I can't sit down in this dress." Amanda giggled. "I like your pantyhose." Nikki commented to her older sister. "Thank you sweetie." She said smiling at her younger sibling. She had black hose on that had a rose going down her right calf. Her black pumps accented her legs well. The dress scooped down low in the back and came right to the top of her bosom in the front, with little beads and sequins on the outline. It was sleeveless and zipped tightly in the back. The dress came right to the top of her knees. Her earrings dangled daintily at her neck. She felt more beautiful at that moment than she ever had. Barry took another picture of her with Nikki and her mom as they waited on Nate to get to there. Amanda finally sat down clutching the little purse that matched her attire. There was a knock at the door and Nikki ran to answer it. "Hey Nate!" Nikki screeched. Barry shook his hand. "You look great." Her mom said to Nate. "We have to go to my house to get our pictures taken there also." Nate said to her rolling his eyes. Amanda's mom laughed. "That's a great tux." She commented. "Oh, I think it's just your run of the mill tux." He said with a slight laugh. "Well you look absolutely handsome anyway." She complimented him. "You do." Amanda agreed looking up at him. They stood there for one more picture and Nate placed his arm around waist. "Oh, here, I'm sorry I about forgot." He pulled out her corsage from its container. "It goes on your wrist; I didn't want to hurt your dress, with the pin and all." He explained. "Oh, Nate it's beautiful, thank you." Amanda said slipping it on. She couldn't remember a time then, when she had been happier. "Well, we better get going." Nate said looking at her. There was a limousine parked out in front of the house. "Oh my god." Amanda exclaimed. They got in and seated inside already were Bruce and his new girlfriend, Janine, a friend of Amanda’s. "Hey guys, how are you doing?" Amanda asked them. "We still have to go pick up Chris, he's going stag." Bruce announced. _"That's fitting."_ Amanda thought to herself. They laughed as they tested different buttons in the limo. They played with the sunroof and just then Amanda leaned over to Nate resting her head on his shoulder. "You cut your hair." She noticed then. "Yeah, just a bit, not much." He answered. "It looks good slicked back like that." She said to him. "Amanda you look absolutely stunning." He whispered smiling down at her. "Thank you." She said sweetly.

   They made it to Nate's house so Janice could take their picture and tell them again how good they looked. Beau made jokes about his older brother looking like the guy from the circus. This made all of them laugh. "Eight year olds, every household needs one." Nate joked. As they were walking back out to the limousine Amanda asked Nate, "Where's Paul?" "He's at home I guess, he's not going." Nate answered her. "Oh." She didn't really know what to say but it surprised her he wasn't at least coming by himself, as Chris was.

      

   They reached the hotel where the prom was being held. It was decorated all in black and gold, their school colors. There was a big banner above the entrance which read, _Welcome class of '99 Westvale Warriors!_ Nate stared at it for a moment. The music was booming. "Now as you know Amanda, I'm not one for dancing." Nate reminded her. "We don't have to dance unless it's a slow song, and then I'm not going to give you a choice." She said jokingly. Nate couldn't believe how everyone looked. They looked as if they had just stepped off the set of a soap opera. Nate thought this seemed surreal for a moment. Here he was enjoying himself with people that he could possibly be murdering in less than a week. A slow song came on after they had been there for few moments. Amanda was busy talking with a few of her friends. Chris grabbed Nate. “Come on sweetie, let us dance!" He said loudly laughing. "Kiss my ass you homo." Nate said laughing himself. Amanda grabbed him, "I told you I get the slow ones." She reminded him. They stepped onto the dance floor and Nate put his arms around her waist. He loved the way the lights danced off her earrings and her never ending smile. She placed her arms together behind his neck. She stood on her tip toes and gave him a kiss. "I love you, Nate." She said sweetly. "I know you're going out of state to college and there will be other girls, so I want to enjoy this…just us… now. I'm not gonna make you make any promises to me you can't keep, that's not fair." She said with a slight tear in her eye. He stared at her listening intently. "I'm not good with the goodbye stuff." He said seriously then. "I have enjoyed this, I really have. You have made me truly happy." He pulled her tightly to him then. "Oh god Nate what does the future hold for us, will we stay together?" She asked him as her head was buried in his chest. "I don't know…I just don't know." He answered her sincerely resting his chin on the top of her head. They stood there for a minute just holding onto one another and it felt as if there was not another single person in the room.

   The song ended and was replaced with a faster one. Nate started leading Amanda off of the dance floor. "Hey do you mind if I have this one?" Chris asked Nate motioning towards Amanda. "Sure." Nate replied. Something in him wanted to scream and cry all at the same time as he watched Chris and Amanda dance together. She wasn't really his anymore, he had already given her up, he had only borrowed her for this short time he had left, and she wasn't even aware of it.

     They spent the rest of the night driving around town after prom, stopping at a little coffee shop talking about their futures and the present, and what they were going to do the night of graduation. Janine had been lent her mother's video camera to record one of her last nights with all of her friends from high school. "Ok, say cheese guys!" She said to all of them seated in the coffee house. She went around the group introducing each person on the tape and asking them a few questions. She came to Amanda. "This is Amanda Beckwith. She's seventeen and a senior at Westvale High school. What are your plans for the future after this high school thing is out?" Janine asked her. "Um, well, to get out of my parent's house." As she said this the whole group cheered and applauded. "I would like to maybe attend Cincinnati Jr. College and try and get my nursing degree." She explained to the camera. "I also want to find the man of my dreams and have kids and all that other bullshit." She said laughing, but Nate knew she was sincere. "Nate, run while you still can!" Bruce screamed out. The group started laughing. Janine then turned the camera to Nate. "Well, I am enrolled already at Missouri State College. I wish to major in chemical engineering and physics, anything to do with pyrotechnics." He answered straight to the point. "I don't know about women, after being with this one, they scare me." He said sarcastically. The whole group burst out laughing.

     Their night was coming to a close as they finally pulled up in front of Amanda's house in the wee hours of the morning and Nate walked her to the door. "Good, they are all asleep." Amanda said of her parents and Nikki. "I had a great time tonight. You did look amazing, I'll never forget it." Nate finished then as if he had rehearsed what to say. "Maybe you won't have to forget it." Amanda beamed. "You better go before they get tired of waiting and you all have to get the limo back before three." She reminded him. He kissed her then, gently putting both hands aside her face. He stood there looking at her. "I love you, Nate, goodnight." She said smiling widely before turning to head inside. He walked back down to the limo and got in. His chest was full of a severe aching feeling and no matter what he thought of, he couldn't get it to stop. "What's wrong?" Chris asked him noticing his friend’s distress. "Nothing, I just need to go to bed, I'm exhausted." Nate answered. He was exhausted, tired from living the life of lies he and Paul had created.

       _I didn't see the need in going to their stupid little dance. I can't act anymore like I give a shit; it's just too damn draining. I only exist now, until I can complete our mission. We have all that we need. We are ready. Nate is out tonight partying his ass off with the little tramp and our unaware accomplices. Hee Hee poor Chris and Bruce, go easy on them guys! As of today we have six days left here. Jesus… six days!!! Where in the hell does time go? We have waited for so long and now it's here, it's really here. Me and Nate are gonna make a final tape, to really say goodbye to everyone and explain what we are to do, so the detectives won't be left with much to figure out. Hey Mr. pig, how do like a nut like me helping you with your job? Crazy huh? It's kind of like if Ed Gein had a video camera back then and showed to you collections of his skins and heads and the dead women hanging on meat hooks in his barn. I'm not afraid of the death that awaits me, I’m anxious to see the brains and the blood and guts, like on Doom but real. I heard there's a real smell to it, also. I'm so fucking excited it makes me want to shit my pants. I have heard that you literally do shit your pants after your dead. I guess maybe I will never know; who gives a shit? Not me! Not Nate! We're gonna line you up and kill you like animals on the way to the slaughter. Haaa Haaa! Fucking amazingly fabulous! I exist completely in hate with myself and in love with the feats I am about to accomplish. Yet, I don't know who to thank, God? Satan? I can't make up my mind, but I'm not worried the media and the Christians will make it up for me. I’m in control, I have become the ultimate power. Hee Hee! See yah! Paul_

    They were off work that Thursday at their request, lying to Steve about graduation activities at the school. They walked out to the parking lot after school and got into Paul's car. They lit cigarettes and didn't really have a whole lot to say to one another. "Are you cool?" Nate asked Paul. "Definitely." Paul answered finishing his cigarette. They reached the Langley residence and knew they had approximately two hours to completely finish what needed to be finished with both of them present with parents safely at work. It was a cloudy day and the forecaster had predicted severe thunder storms. They got out of the car and the air seemed to have an odd mix of warmth with a cool breeze, which indicated the arrival of the ominous weather.

    They got inside and it looked as if it were nightfall as the clouds became heavier outside. They went down to the basement and Nate stopped at Paul's dresser mirror to check his hair. Paul reached over to his computer desk and grabbed the camera. Nate went and sat on the bed, leaving room for Paul to sit beside him. Paul then went to his closet and grabbed the tripod and placed the camera in front of the bed. "I just want to get this over with." Nate said gravely. "I know, I'm trying." Paul said checking the view from the camera. When he thought it was perfect he went and sat next to Nate. "Ready?" Paul asked looking at him. "Ready." Nate whispered. Paul leaned over and turned on the camera. "Well, to everyone, here it is, it's Thursday May sixteenth. I'm sure you are aware of what tomorrow is. We get our revenge tomorrow...and we end our lives." Paul began. "Mom, you said I could accomplish anything if I just put my mind to it. Well, I have put my mind to it, literally. This will make me great; I am doing something great with my life, now. Thank you for giving me this life and all the wonders of it you have shown me. All of those vacations to parks, and museums, and all the dinners you cooked me. You are a fabulous person, a fabulous cook, a fabulous mother. Don't ever let Casey make you feel otherwise. He is in charge of his own life, as am I, and this is my decision, no one else’s." Paul stopped then for a minute and looked at Nate who motioned him to continue. "Dad...I don't really know what to say to you. Guess I should've gotten to know you better. I know these last few months have been a little strained between me and you, and I know you were only trying to lead me the right way and I'm sorry if I was a bit of an ass. I think a part of you was so disappointed when you found I couldn't be a soldier. Don't worry about that, for I am a soldier, in this war, this war that I and Nate will embark upon tomorrow. Thanks for the things like teaching me how to ride a bike, taking me camping, and reading me the stories at night with the funny voices, and trying to talk to me about girls." Paul smiled then, “I love you both and there are too many things to mention that I have been grateful for, this truly has nothing to do with you." A moment passed and Nate looked at the ceiling for a few seconds before Paul nudged him on the knee to get him to say something. "Oh, god, this has all come so fast now, I guess I wasn't as prepared to say what I thought I wanted to say, but here goes. Beau, be a good boy, don't ever let anyone push you around, tell mom and dad if you ever have a problem. Don't be afraid of women, they're not that scary." Nate smiled thinking of Amanda. "Take care of mom, mind her and be good to her, tell her often that you love her. Don't ever give her shit if she decides to remarry like dad, she deserves to be happy, ok? YOU deserve to be happy. I love you more than you know. Remember me as being someone good, like the times we would play helicopter and I would raise you above my head and spin you around. I love your laughter, you are gorgeous. Don't blame mom and dad for anything I am about to do. It's not their fault. I don't want anyone to blame them. I also don't want anyone blaming my music, my video games, and my friends." He turned then and he and Paul exchanged a quick smile. "Dad, I don't have much to say to you, for we have not been close in years. Be happy I guess… take care of your new wife better than you took care of mom, please. Mom really did deserve better, but I'm sure you know that. Ok, mom, I love you more than you will ever know, and no, there wasn't any way you could've prevented me from doing this. I've been gone, mentally, for some time now. I have been in pain, lonely, afraid, under a darkness that I couldn’t break away from and I just want it to be over with. I'm sorry about all the things history will tell you about me, that I was a cold blooded killer with no real intent. There is plenty of intent, it's always been there. Don't feel alone, I will always love you and be with you somehow, no matter what happens to me when I leave this place. Well, I can't really think of anything else, I guess." Nate finished as he held his head down looking at the floor. Paul took a deep breath. "Tomorrow at approximately eleven thirty we will enter Westvale from the east side parking lot, for that's where our assigned parking spots are. Mine will be the grey 1992 Honda Accord in 163 and Nate's is a black 1980 BMW which will be parked in 165. We have never really given much thought about parking in our assigned spots until now." Paul said with a chuckle. "We will be driving separate cars. We are skipping school tomorrow so you will not see us in the morning, no one will and if they tell you otherwise, they will be lying. We will have our trench coats on with our arsenal strapped to us, and separate duffel bags with our pipe bombs and other ammunition in them. We will each be carrying a propane tank, as we have only two left after our test in December. The duffels will be over our backs. There will be total chaos after we set the bombs at points of our choosing soon after we enter, so we are giving you correct descriptions now so there won't be any confusion. After we get in the school we haven't really given much thought to, so I'm sure you'll hear many stories, but we are mainly wanting to gain immediate access to the room a few halls down from the science center, this being study hall. That's our biggest point of execution. We are sure it's going to be crazy in that school, so any major plans of attack, we will play by ear. Here's the biggest kicker, we are not going to surrender, we will die in there, sorry. You will not capture us alive; we will not let this happen. So if you all execute some sort of plan attack, we will commit suicide before you are given a chance to do much, even if we don't finish our destined mission. Well, that's about it, hope you have fun figuring out why we did what we did." Paul finished. Nate put his face in the camera then, "Bye for now piggies!"

     Nate picked up the camera and swung it around to the other side of Paul’s room as he reached into his closet and he picked out what he would wear to school the following morning showing it off to the camera. Paul then took his arsenal out from the hiding places in his closet. Paul grabbed the camera from Nate and they went out to the shed and recovered what was hidden there. "Did you get it all?" Paul asked him upon him reentering the house. "Yeah, I got it all." They took the guns from their cases and carefully slid them under the bed. "I have them fully loaded.” Paul smiled as he showed one of the magazines off to their invisible audience. “My chest pack will contain the shells I need for the shotgun. I have one with a blue heart painted on it." Paul explained. "Why the blue heart?" Nate asked. Paul just looked at him without answering cocking his head to one side. "Oh." Nate responded, for in that one motion he had his answer. Paul made sure from every angle of the room that you could not see the guns from under his bed. He showed Nate the chest pack and took the switchblade out from his underwear drawer and put it in the leg strap. He got out the notebook which all of his diagrams were kept. "Ok, let's make sure we're clear on this." Paul said as they both sat on the floor and went over the many hand written and hand drawn instructions and diagrams Paul had in his spiral as Nate steadied the camera in his hand. "I have observed there will be at least a hundred and fifty or so students in the cafeteria during second lunch. Most everyone else will be in class or in the parking lot." Paul explained. "What if I encounter someone in the parking lot?" Nate asked him. Paul laughed then answering, "You go ahead and kill them...got it?" Paul instructed him. "Got it." Nate said shaking his head. "We are gonna go in the doors we always do, yet we need to go in set the tanks as the explosion will completely clear the most of the lower level and send people around running and they will be easier targets if we are in the vicinity. This will also do the most damage to their beautiful building of hell…burn the fucker to the ground. I will get Dave, you can have Nick." Paul looked at him smiling. "Who else?" Nate asked him liking the plan. "Anyone you want." Paul said as if he was delighted. "Pipe bombs, what about those?" Nate asked him then. "They were your creation so I thought you might know best where they should be placed." Nate suggested. "Yeah, and you've mentioned that before, uh...after the cafeteria clears out just to do some damage, make the floors on the upper levels shake, throw them everywhere…the more damage the better." Paul explained then. "Sounds great to me." Nate said. "I'm gonna put one of the tanks in Lowe's class and blow the fucker to bits, she'll remember not to tell any other kid that they are lacking ambition, because this takes a fucking lot of it." Paul said matter of fact. "I've never forgotten that." He said under his breath then. "The police are going to fire at us, you know." Nate stated. "Yes, they probably will, if it seems we're outgunned or they're about to close in on our whereabouts, that's when we put an end to it." Paul then put his finger to his forehead and made a fake blast sound. "We'll have approximately twenty minutes; it depends on the swat team, how fast they are, if they can even make sense of all that is happening, I don't know, that is my best estimation." Paul explained. "About twenty minutes is what I was figuring on." Paul finished. "Ok, I have thought about what if nothing goes as planned, and I think I'm just gonna open fire on anything that moves and pull the trigger until I can't." Nate explained. "I had that same thought, good thinking. Great minds think alike." Paul said then looking at Nate directly in the face. Nate put his hand on Paul's shoulder. "We can do this, we have to do this, you are braver than anyone I have ever known, smarter than anyone I have ever known, and this is going to be a whole lot of fucking fun!" Nate said as he and Paul jumped off of the floor screaming at each other and laughing loudly turning the camera off. "I must go and get my clothing ready…my mind in the right zone." Nate said to Paul. "Don't talk to anyone except who's in the house, no phone calls from anyone, tell your mom you're not feeling well, or some shit. We must not have any contact with any other students from the school at all." Paul explained. Nate walked out to his car and thought about what Paul had said about contact and recalled the last moment, the last words he would ever share with Amanda.

 

     "Nate, wait up!" Amanda called from the parking lot, chasing after him before he and Paul left for lunch. She ran up to him and kissed him. "You better get inside or you're gonna be late for fourth hour." Nate warned her. "I don't care; I saw you and I had to come see you for a sec." She explained. "I usually don't get to see you after this cause you got work, so I just wanted to see you." She said sweetly. He hugged her to him and she noticed Paul had not said anything to her, as he usually did he just stared off into the distance. Paul knew this would be the last time Nate would ever see her, and he felt awkward to take part in that moment. "Well, babe, I'm gonna go, you two be good." She giggled. "You too…be good Amanda, I love you." Nate said to her. "I love you too! Her heart leaped inside her at the words she had dreamed of hearing from him. "Call me tonight when you get off of work, ok?" She said smiling excitedly still in awe of the sentiments he had never spoken to her until that moment. "Ok, I'll try." He answered. She ran to meet up with Janine. “Oh my god! He said it!” “Awww.” Janine returned, happy for her friend.

 

     On the way to McDonald's Nate sobbed like a baby with Paul driving not saying a word. Paul had figured he needed this time to grieve, and he gave it to him. They ended up just going through the drive through and sitting out in the parking lot to eat. Paul didn't want anyone to see his friend like that. He respected him way too much. Nate took one bite of his hamburger and threw the rest of it on the ground outside. His appetite had completely disappeared.

 

   Nate went straight home after Paul's and carefully laid his clothes for the next day out over the chair of his desk. He thought to himself about anything he might want to take with him, good luck charms of sorts, he couldn't think of any. He decided to take a short nap as he was already exhausted from his last, trying day. He awoke after a couple hours and went into the living room to spend some time with his mom and Beau. "Why didn't you work tonight?" Janice asked him. "I didn't feel good, I've been sick to my stomach all day." Nate returned. "Do you need something? I could tell something was wrong, you haven't been acting like yourself all evening, are you sure I can't get you something?" Janice asked with concern. "I think I just ate something bad, I think I'm gonna go to bed early." He told her. "Yeah, good idea, get some rest." Janice agreed. "Take your brother with you; he needs to get to bed." Janice instructed him. Beau got up and went over to Janice and kissed her goodnight. Nate made his way over to her and hugged her tightly. Beau ran over to his big brother and Nate scooped him up in his arms and carried him on his shoulders down the dark hallway. "Turn my light on, there are things in my closet if you don't." Beau instructed him. Nate slightly laughed and went to turn his closet light on and propped the door open with one of his small tennis shoes. Beau climbed into bed and told Nate that he didn't want any covers. "You're getting too old for the Boogie Man, you're getting to be a big guy, and you should be able to beat up the Boogie Man." Nate assured him. Beau laughed. "There's no Boogie Man, just scary looking things." Beau explained to him. "There are a lot scarier things in this world." Nate said to him. "Like what? Tell me some.” Beau asked of him. "Well, there is taking your driving test for your license, kissing a girl for the first time, taking a real hard final exam, and being accepted into college or not." Nate finished. "And that's just a few."  He added. "That's not scary that's just plain disgusting!" Beau exclaimed. "What is?" Nate asked him. "The kissing a girl thing." Beau said making a face like he was going to vomit. Nate laughed at him. "You won't always feel that way. I promise." Nate assured him. Nate thought for a moment of one more scary thing he couldn’t speak to his brother about, and that was the fear of dying, but he no longer was afraid. It had become a thought of welcome change, not something to be feared. Nate walked to his door and turned off the main light. "Goodnight Nate." "Goodnight Beau, be good at school tomorrow, ok? I love you." Nate said as he exited Beau's room. He heard Beau tell him he loved him too, as he went into his room. He got on his computer and looked at a few things he had saved and reread the crumpled note Amanda had wrote him and then decided it was time to go to bed. He had been in bed about thirty minutes when the phone rang and he just let it ring and closed his eyes. He could faintly hear Janice in the other room as she answered it. "No, Amanda, he wasn’t feeling well. I'm sure he'll talk to you tomorrow, he's already asleep. Ok, you too, bye." And then he heard her hang up. Nate wasn’t ready to let her go just yet. He waited about ten minutes and dialed the number that he knew all too well. "Hello? Hello?" Amanda repeated. Nate just laid there silently listening to hear her voice one more time. "Ok, whatever." And with that she hung up.

    Paul watched television with his dad and listened to his dad go over what an idiot he thought the guy on the News show was. Paul had agreed. Margaret was over at a friend's house doing her craft stuff and it was only Paul and Bill at home. "I can't believe they let this idiot have his own show!" Bill commented. "Yeah, anyone can have their own show anymore." Paul agreed with him. "Weren’t you supposed to work tonight?" Bill asked him. "No, they are training some new kid, and they put him in my spot tonight, I told them it was ok. I'm not feeling well anyways." Paul replied. "When is mom getting home?" He asked Bill. "Hell, who knows, they are really making something, your mom has almost got her own little business, they are doing really well." Bill said speaking of Margaret. "I'm glad, gives her something to do." Paul said thinking of something to say. "I'm going to turn in dad." He said then giving a fake yawn.  "You sure? The game highlights will be on after the news." Bill asked him. "Yeah, I'm sure; I have a big day tomorrow." Paul left the living room and left Bill to his TV and went to the basement. He went over to his desk and took out a box of pictures from when he was younger. There were pictures of him with Casey when he was a baby. He closed it then, thinking that none of that really mattered now. He looked over on the bed where his journal lay.  He grabbed a pen from his desk and lay on his bed and opened it up.

     _This is Paul William Langley. I was eighteen years old. I lived in a nice house I had pretty nice parents. I had a few close friends and one best friend. I had one girlfriend and one, one night stand. I loved school once upon a time. I loved some of my teachers. I liked my car, but I didn't like paying the insurance on it. I had one dream in this life and that was to be accepted for who I was, not what I was. I don't pray, and I don't believe. I am a person of no faith. I have known love, parentally and romantically however brief. I used to love to watch movies until I knew the dialog and liked to experiment with new types of pizza at work. I liked helping my dad hang Christmas lights and helping my mother plant things in the yard. I hated taking tests, even though my scores were usually sufficient and more so. I liked staying up late and sleeping in. I liked fantasizing about making love to different women. Ok, I know, who doesn't? I liked hanging with my best friend. And, liked hanging out with Rory. She was always pretty cool, though I didn't know her that long. I liked when I was younger how my mom would play the car tag game with me when we went on long trips. I remember the time she taught me how to roller skate at my big brother's skating party, he was embarrassed by me. I guess I'm about to be an uncle, that's too bad, he'll just get to tell all of his friends how he/she is related to a famous murderer. I hated people who made my life a living hell, who put me on one dope after another to try and cure me. I hate people who made fun of me constantly, who went out of their way to do physical harm to me. I hate the Marines for not accepting me, I hate Michelle for dumping me, and I hate my dad for not loving me. Maybe he did, he just had a bad way of showing it. Well, I don't even really know why I'm writing this. Goodbye my dear death and rant log. The fucking death that awaits me is worth all of this and then some. Paul, May 16, 1999 9:32 pm (In approximately 15 hours, I'll be dead.)_

 


	13. To Make the Impossible, Possible

    "Meet me for lunch. Hey you wanna go out today?” Janine asked her then since they usually went to Amanda’s house. "Yeah, I guess." Amanda answered. "Ok, I'll meet you after third." Janine bid farewell to her friend and walked down the opposite hallway. Amanda saw Chris coming around the corner. "Hey Chris, have you seen Nate today? I called last night and his mom said he wasn't feeling well, I thought about calling him, but if he's really sick I don't want to bother him, I know how I get when I'm sick." "No and I haven’t seen Paul either, I usually see one or both of them in the morning, I have no clue…maybe they’re ditching." Chris chuckled. "Ok." Amanda said rolling her eyes leaving him standing there in a hurry to make it to her second hour. She got to third hour and looked at where Nate usually sits. She wondered how he was doing. She got out her History book and opened up to the assigned chapter for the day. Class ended and she was anxious to get out of there, it had been the beginning of another already, tedious day. She met Janine and they walked to the parking lot together. Amanda’s stomach was growling. She surveyed the parking lot for a glimpse of Nate’s car but didn’t see him. "Come on girlie, let’s get some grub." Janine said starting her car. "What are you feeling in the mood for food wise?" Janine asked Amanda turning her car stereo on. "Heck, I don't know whatever sounds good to you; I’m just friggin starving. Got a smoke? I’m out.” "Sure." Janine answered holding the pack out for her to take one. "Thanks babe." Amanda said. "Did you find where your man is at?" Janine asked her. "No, I don't know, I guess he's sick, I'm thinking of stopping over there after school." “Aww isn't that sweet you wanna play nurse to your honey." Janine said sarcastically joking around with her. Amanda fastened her seat belt as Janine sped out of the parking lot.

   Paul pulled up and parked in his assigned spot. Paul got out of the car and surveyed the parking lot. It had begun misting and the breeze had picked up a bit. He was wearing his trench coat, combat boots, and his fingerless glove on his right hand and his KMFDM hat on backwards. He was strapped with ammunition and a few of the smaller pipe bombs. The reflection of the school could be seen in his mirrored sunglasses. His fatigues were packed with lighters for the fuses and more ammunition with his favorite blade strapped to his thigh. He took a deep breath, closing his eyes for a moment and turned back around to his car retrieving his duffel from the back seat. He slung it across his shoulder. He opened the trunk and gathered his shot gun and concealed it underneath his coat. The AR15 was disclosed in the duffel along with four magazines and extra pipe bombs. He grabbed the propane tank, stuffing it inside the large duffel bag as well, and steadied himself to carry the total weight of his arsenal. He didn’t make a step until he saw Nate pull into his spot and he walked over to him. He watched in silence as Nate stepped from his vehicle and first, placed the nine millimeter in the back of his fatigues. Nate wore his similar attire with the other hand of the same fingerless pair of gloves on his left hand. A cigarette hung from his mouth as he secured his baseball cap on his head and grabbed his own duffel which concealed the tech nine and extra magazines with multiple pipe bombs as well. He wore a black pair of sunglasses and a curious smile across his face as he shut the trunk of his car, tightened his grasp on the other propane tank stuffed it into the duffel and nodded towards his best friend. He took one more drag of his cigarette, threw it down and extinguished it underneath his boot. They started for the east entrance as the bustle of students leaving for lunch had calmed. They made their way up the long sidewalk to the double doors. They witnessed a couple of students heading to their car for lunch but they didn’t seem to pay them any mind. “Lucky fuckers.” Paul said under his breath. Nate laughed slightly at his friend’s comment.

   At the entrance of the front doors, they reached into the duffels, took their weapons off of safety, and threw the duffels back across their shoulders. Paul took a couple more steps, positioned the AR, closed his eyes, clenched his teeth taking a large breath and fired several rounds completely shattering the large glass doors. “Surprise Fucktards!!!” He yelled with a sinister laugh. From that last blast of his gun their fates were sealed and the production they had envisioned within their minds was just beginning. He heard someone scream from inside. "Shit, here we go!" Paul screamed smiling widely. Nate opened fire with the tech nine peppering the first row of lockers to his left. Each of his steps felt heavier than the last and he mentally began to count down the minutes he had left. Students were already starting to run in every direction from where they had been in the front hallway as they realized the severity of the threat that had just entered their school. Paul and Nate fired into the directions they were running. A couple of them landed hard on the floor becoming motionless.  They made their way into the cafeteria, dropping the forst propane tank and opening fire on whoever was still trying to flee the vicinity. Most of the students upon hearing the initial gun shots had ran up the stairs to the outside door on the side of the auditorium. Nate, not taking off the sunglasses set the timer on the propane tank and turned to where Paul had been. He then turned and could hear Paul shooting on down the hall. He stepped over one or two people who he could tell had been shot but didn't pay attention to whether they were alive or dead. He then heard Paul yell from the end of the hallway to the right, which led to the cafeteria. There was already a pretty good trail of bloody footprints down the hallway where kids had ran for hiding spots, or ran for their lives as he could hear Paul firing the AR. His best friend was leaving him a trail of blood and destruction to follow. Nate turned then and went into the main offices. They were already empty. He wondered where they were hiding. He went around and flipped the computers off of their desks and shot out the clock. He then went into Mr. Caldwell's office and sprayed bullets destroying almost everything in the office. "That's what you get motherfucker!" Nate whispered to himself. He exited, hearing a girl scream for help. He spotted the girl down the hall. She was bleeding profusely and her friend was sitting, holding her. He smiled at them and kept on walking as the girl who was unharmed held her breath with her eyes shut tight in the anticipation that he would fire at her next. He then heard Paul again yelling and shooting the AR. He had been afraid for a moment, that he had lost him. "I've always wanted to do this you pieces of shit!" Paul said laughing his signature laugh. He could hear kids scream as he shot into a classroom. They could make out the slamming of doors as teachers and students were trying to barricade themselves in various classrooms. Some students took to the bathrooms standing on toilets as to not have their feet seen. Lowe's class was at the end of this hallway and that is exactly where Paul was headed.

   The propane bomb went off in the cafeteria. The floor of the study hall shook upstairs and alarms began to sound. Smoke was starting to make its way around the hallways. Most of the lights then went out with only the emergency lights illuminating their steps. "What the hell?" Mrs. Jarvis asked surprised as the explosion had shaken the large study hall room. Just then Kyle Brown, a tenth grader who had been downstairs hiding in a closet, ran in screaming and announced they were under attack by two guys with guns. Mrs. Jarvis screamed for them all to get underneath the tables. Her heart raced and felt as if it had climbed into her throat. She steadied her hands as she reached for the phone, grabbing it off of the counter and hid underneath her desk. Half of them were trying to figure out what was going on and the rest of them were finding what hiding spots they could around the room and underneath tables. Abby Fletcher, a junior, hurriedly cleaned out a storage cabinet and stuffed herself inside leaving one of the doors slightly cracked so she could keep an eye on what was happening outside. "Get down God dammit!!!" Mrs. Jarvis screamed from under the desk. She tried to relay the emergency to 911 but couldn’t get the sight of her daughter and eight year old granddaughter out of her thoughts. She wanted to call her daughter, just in case. They could hear more explosions as Nate and Paul started igniting the pipe bombs and throwing them into bathrooms and empty classes sending debris in all directions. Paul had made his way to Ms. Lowe’s class and set his propane tank down in the center of the room. He was disappointed for a moment that it was empty but set the timer anyway. Nate waited by the door for him and they began back on down the hall. Nate and Paul walked one in front of the other and made their way to the stairwell. The alarms were deafening and Nate winced from the screeching and covered his mouth to keep from inhaling the smoke and chemical smell that swirled around them.

    In the study hall Dave Brach took cover under a table in the back of the room with Nick Kessler and Jeremy Fitch, an acquaintance of theirs. "I want to know what the hell is going on. Maybe it's just a senior prank, man." Nick said trying to ease the trio. “Did you feel that shit dude? This is no prank.” Dave commented. Dave got up for a moment and looked out the windows facing the parking lot. "Do you see anything?" Nick asked him. "No I don't see a fucking thing." Dave got back under the table. "Who the fuck?” Jeremy asked becoming more frightened. "Did you guys feel the floor?" He was trying not to cry. "No shit." Nick said wearily. Dave was trying to hold it together. He looked across the library and saw Sarah under a table a couple yards away from his own. "Shit!" He said in a loud whisper upon noticing her. The fire alarms began going off in the room as it began to fill with smoke and the main lights flickered until they went dark and the room became lit with the emergency lights only. He got on his knees and crawled to get under the table with her. “What the fuck Dave?” cried a scared Nick Kessler. Sarah stared crying and grabbed onto him. "What is happening?" She asked him as he held her placing his hand on her head clutching her to his chest. "I don't know. I just don't know."

   Paul was making his way to the staircase when another student came out of the bathroom thinking all was safe. He turned behind him and locked eyes with Nate who was behind Paul. It was Cameron Radner. "Look what we got here!" Nate laughed yelling after him. Cameron started running. Paul started running after him. He stopped then, holding the AR with both hands and fired. He missed, but the bullet had grazed him in the leg causing him to fall and slide a distance. "Remember me?" Paul said kicking him in the side. "Remember me asshole?" Nate came over and kicked him hard in the face. Paul took the heel of his boot and rammed it into his forehead as hard as he could. Cameron then became still. Nate leaned close to his face for a moment, stood back straight and peppered him with the tech nine. "He's dead." Nate said nodding towards Paul. "Good." Paul said heading towards the stairs again. They began up the stairs and could already hear faint police sirens traveling towards the school. They ran up the stairs as Nate turned around on the first landing and lit a fuse on a pipe bomb and tossed it back down the stairs. It exploded and he heard a different alarm go off on the outside of the school. They were in the hall in front of the study hall. There were approximately thirty or so kids scattered about the room under tables and a few in hiding spots they had secured within the large room. One kid, hearing the pipe bomb, went and jumped behind the copier table, where he couldn't be seen. Nate fired warning shots in front of the study hall with the tech nine. Paul sat down his duffel on the first table inside the room. He laid the AR down and opened the duffel to retrieve his sawed off Winchester. It made a distinct sound as he readied it to be fired. Paul then began to make his way around the room noticing where everyone was trying to conceal their whereabouts. Nate stood still and surveyed the room. Paul walked over to the window and glanced into the parking lot and noticed that several police had already parked in different locations around the school. They began to hear more sirens coming towards the school. There were students under tables with their eyes closed, some were crying, some were just sitting frozen with fear.

   Mrs. Jarvis crouched behind her desk in the study hall office literally praying for her life. She hoped she couldn't be seen. She held a student by the name of Jennifer Horn, who managed to make it to her side. Jennifer had competed with Nate in a science fair competition in elementary school. They had won. She was crying then as she had her head buried in Mrs. Jarvis's chest.

    "Get up you sons of bitches!" Paul screamed as the sprinklers came on suddenly.  "Fucking great!" Nate laughed at the water pouring on him. No one moved. Sarah thought the voice sounded familiar, but she couldn't see him yet as the table her and Dave were under, was towards the back of the room. "Did you fucking hear him? Get Up!” Nate yelled loudly in a deepened voice. No one moved. A girl started screaming from behind a book shelf where she hid out of absolute fear. Nate walked in her direction. He grabbed her by her hair and pulled her out from where she was. "That's the way to treat a woman!" Paul laughed. Nate grabbed the rifle and pointed it in her face. "God, don't kill me, please, god, don't kill me, I'll do anything, let me go!" She started screaming and crying hysterically. “Shut your fucking mouth you little whore." He then stepped back stepping on her arm so she couldn't move and shot her in the forehead. It was as if her head just opened up and its contents lay on the floor beside her. Some of her blood had sprayed upon Nate's shirt. He wiped it with his hand and smeared it down to his fatigues. In that moment he was no longer Nate Durham; awesome big brother, caring son, sweet boyfriend, best friend, soon to be college student; he had transformed into the monster they had helped to create. A couple of students watched in horror unable to look away. The rest were absolutely paralyzed. They sat there shaking from fear and the cold water, wondering if they were going to be next. The propane tank had gone off in Lowe's class and made the room shake once more. Nate heard a new alarm go off and went over to the window. He went back to the table, reached into the bag and grabbed another clip for the tech nine and reloaded. He and Paul made their way around the room firing under tables, windows, and computers, laughing, yelling, taunting and trying to hear themselves over the piercing sound of the fire alarms. The sprinklers had begun and the odd mixture of smoke and fresh death filled the room. Paul acted as if he was in a movie, playing the role he was born to take, laughing that sinister laugh and thoroughly enjoying his last moments on Earth as he saw fit. He no longer had thoughts of his parents, Casey, Michelle, Rory and every good memory he ever owned. Paul thought he heard something to his right and turned slightly to see out of the corner of his eye.

   Something arose in Dave Brach and he spoke knowing Paul was going to spot him any instant. Paul smiled widely placing his face in his palm. “Awesome..fucking amazing.” Paul chuckled. It took everything Dave had in him to speak to the boy he had once befriended. "What are you doing Langley?" He asked him wearily. Sarah was screaming and crying next to him shaking uncontrollably hiding her face in his chest. Paul cocked the shot gun and went over to him. He sat down in front of Dave then crossing his legs laying the rifle across his lap smiling at the pair. "Hmmm what am I doing? Well, let's see, something I should've done a long time ago." Paul answered him calmly looking him straight in the face. "Oh Dave I could say many things to you, but actions have always spoken louder than words. Oh by the way, sorry about the car.” He then looked behind him to where Nate was standing overlooking the exchange. "The pigs are gonna be comin’ in.” Paul said seriously as he looked up out the window. "Good, that means you found this one just in time." Nate laughed shaking his head. "How does it feel to suddenly have no power, Dave? You know if I had a bottle in my hand right now, I'd hurl it at you. Remember that shit?" Nate asked him. "Look at you now, a scared little faggot coward, all huddled under a table in a puddle of your girlfriend’s piss and I'm the one with the power." Paul explained to him as he rested his head on the butt of the rifle. "Eh ok, say goodbye Dave." Paul said aiming the rifle then at his head. Dave didn't answer. "And again, I hope you liked your Camaro; that was a grand time." Nate chuckled. "Say goodbye Dave!" Paul yelled again towards him angrily jumping to his feet. “Paul! Oh my god! Oh my God...please stop!"  Sarah screamed. "Oh we're all out of that!" Paul said smiling at her. "You're gonna fucking remember this for the rest of your life." Dave knew there was nothing he could say or do. He closed his eyes and bit his bottom lip as tears streamed down his cheeks. Paul aimed the rifle and pulled the trigger. The back of Dave's cranium exploded over the wall behind them. Sarah began screaming at the top of her lungs with her hands on either side of her head rocking uncontrollably as Dave’s head fell forward and his body slumped to the side of her. "Want me to kill her?" Nate asked. "No, she'll quiet down after the shock of what she just saw makes her pass out." Sarah began to vomit until nothing was left in her stomach. “See, this is what you have done to us!" Paul said loudly with the gun in his hand turning so everyone in the room could hear him. "I hope you are fucking happy!"

   Many students had made it outside and were being taken to hide behind police cars and ambulances. Students were crying and clinging onto one another running as far and fast as their feet could carry them. Neighbors from nearby residences came to see if they could render assistance. There were at least fifty patrol cars and police from other counties were being dispatched. The news of what was happening inside the school had already made their way to the local radio and news stations. Helicopters flew overhead then to survey the site. National News stations were being alerted and kids were screaming for their parents and grabbing onto anything that seemed to beckon safety. Some were in shock and just wandered around trying to find someone they knew. A policeman from the local department got on his radio and some of the kids that were hidden behind his car heard him make the following correspondence. "There has been a shooting, number of fatalities unknown as of yet, here at the high school, Westvale. That’s W-E-S-T-V-A-L-E; I have students here behind my car. Students are saying there are two, possibly three suspects at this time, swat is already on the south of the building, it is our knowledge the suspects are in the upper level at this time."

   "Paul the swat is here." Nate said to him as he stood behind a shelf and was looking out of the side of a window. "I'll trade you places." Paul said then. "You need to find Kessler." Paul told him. There was silence in the library then as Sarah passed out from shock just as Paul had predicted. She was breathing loudly but shallow blood and Dave's brain matter covered one side of her. Nick had heard them and scrambled to see how far he could get under the table. Jeremy was seated next to him and it was as if Nick was trying to hide behind him. Jeremy was crying and shaking and had urinated on the floor underneath him. They had scooted so far underneath the table all they could see were Nate's boots as he made rounds in the room. Just then, the boots seemed to pause where they were at and then faced the direction of their table. Nate took the palm of his left hand and pounded the table top. It felt to Jeremy that his heart had leapt right out of his throat and he let out a scream that seemed to come from somewhere down deep inside of him. Nate slowly crouched down. He placed the tech nine on the ground in front of the table. He then reached back into the seat of his fatigues and pulled out the nine millimeter. "Oh Nicky I have something I want to show you." Nate said as you would speak to a small child. Nick couldn't move; he was literally frozen to where he sat. "Oh, come on, come out of there and take this like a man." Nate laughed then. "Shit, this isn’t funny, I know, I just can't help laughing at you hiding under there like that. I think it's amazing, you can dish the shit out, but you just can't take it, can you?" Nate added. "Oh little Nicky it's time to die. Come on out of there. Please for your old friend Nate and my air soft...remember?" Nate then stood up and grabbed the other end of the table and flipped it over, leaving nothing covering the two boys. Something in Jeremy, maybe a last ditch effort to save his life as he jumped up and started running. Nate quickly turned and fired hitting him in the back. "Nice fucking shot!" Paul yelled from the other side of the room. Both of them laughed then. Nate got right in Nick Kessler's face. His face was soaked with tears and he was sweating profusely. He had his eyes closed hard. Nate said right into his ear whispering, "You do know I am going to kill you now, right?" He took the gun from around his back and fired once at close range into his right temple that faced him. The blood spray hit Nate in the face. Nate heard him take his last final deep breath, and a pull of blood began to emerge from his ears and mouth and underneath the other side of his head as he fell sideways on the floor. "Fucking ass hat, I have his shit all over my face! I didn't know they were gonna spray like this!" Nate screeched wiping his face with the gloved hand. Paul just snickered. "Come on, he said turning, we don't have much time."

  They exited the study hall and went back to the stair way. Paul took out the remainder of the pipe bombs and started lighting them throwing them downstairs and into a few of the classrooms down the hallway from the staircase. Nate began hearing that strange alarm again.

  Amanda and Janine made it to the access road which leads to the high school parking lot and were amazed at the number of ambulances, fire trucks and policeman they could see in front of the school. "Holy shit, what the hell is going on?!" Janine screamed. "Is the school on fire?" Amanda panicked noticing the billowing smoke coming from the back of the building. There were other cars in line behind them coming back from lunch as well. A policeman held his hand out and halted them from entering the parking lot. Janine rolled her window down. The officer came over to her driver's side and leaned in the window. "You girls need to stop right here, or go home. There's been an emergency in the school and we can’t let anyone in. That's all I can tell you right now and I can't let you get any closer to the school." Janine rolled the window back up and proceeded to turn around where the policeman was instructing them to. "No, oh my god! Janine who's in there?" Amanda started to cry uncontrollably. "Turn around take me to Nate's." "Fuck, Bruce is in there! Fucking god!” Janine screamed out. "We can't do anything about that right now, take me to Nate's, now!" Amanda demanded. Janine took a breath and began to cry. She held the wheel as steady as she could with her hands shaking.

  They made the five mile drive to Nate's house. Amanda didn't even give Janine a chance to stop in front of the house, as she threw open the door and ran up the yard. She got to the porch and started banging on the door. She got no answer. She started screaming with all she had when she suddenly recalled the conversation her and Nate had the night that he let her spend the night many months ago mirrored with what the policeman had said to her. "Nate, let me in!" She banged on the door again, this time with both of her palms, trying to conjure him into being safe and inside. "Nate, Nate, please let me in!" She banged on the door until the palms of her hands were sore and there was still no answer. She ran to the back gate where she had snuck in and ran up to the door with Janine trailing behind her and began to pray her gut feeling was only a delusion. She banged on the glass before she realized it was unlocked. She carefully opened the door and thought it strange that it wasn’t secured. Janine came in the yard then up to the back door and startled her. "Damn it! What are you doing?" Amanda demanded. "Please, let me use the phone! I have to know Bruce is ok, I don't know if I'll find out anything, but I have to try!" She cried. "Ok." Amanda said putting her hands to her head as if to clear her thoughts. "It's in the kitchen." There was no sign of Nate in the living room so she proceeded on down the hallway. She reached Nate's room and the door was shut. She tried the handle and it wasn't completely latched. The room seemed to be colder than the rest of the house and it had an eerie smell to it, one that she didn't recognize. There was no sign of him. The bed had been neatly made and there was a crumpled piece of pink paper sitting next to his computer as if it had been dropped there by someone in a hurry. She lifted it from the desk and realized it was the note she had written him. She started crying then and sat on the bed holding the note in her hands. Something told her this wasn't right. His room was immaculate except for what looked like the fingers of a glove that had been cut away, lying on the dresser. This also seemed odd to her. She heard Janine come down the hall then, sobbing. "Amanda!" She screamed. "We have to get the hell out of here, we cannot be here anymore." She said quietly but crying harder to where it made it difficult for her to speak. "Why?" Amanda asked. "It's Nate…Paul, oh my fucking lord. Oh Amanda this is fucking insane." Janine started having difficulty getting her words out between heavy breaths. "They are the ones in the school." Amanda stood there and a part of her wanted to ask her if it was some kind of prank, some kind of joke. She backed away from Janine then staring at her in disbelief. "Uh uh." Was all that she could muster as her eyes moved towards the floor. "Let's get the hell outta here, Amanda, please god dammit!" Janine pleaded screaming at her then. Just then the phone began ringing and the two girls ran out the back door and around the house and into the street where the car was parked and still running. They jumped in and Amanda seemed to go numb. She couldn't think, for a moment she wasn't even sure of where she was at, and then, it all made sense; the target practice, the bombs, the guns, the conversations that seemed too final, Nate not returning her phone call the night before and the conversation. The conversation that she had laughed at, that was supposed to be a joke. All these thoughts made her senses spin and she began to feel sick. She then felt a great energy from within her chest swell so big she couldn't keep it contained. She put her face in her hands, "No, God, tell me it isn't true, please, God, don't let this be real!" She then lifted her head up and screamed with everything she had left into the roof of the car. "Amanda keep it together, sweetheart!" Janine screamed pleading with her. "My heart is literally breaking!" She said in a near whisper holding her chest sobbing. Janine didn't quite know what to say to that, she knew Amanda was mentally incompetent then, so she just kept driving and crying until they reached her house as Amanda rode next to her clutching the note in her hand.

  The swat team took it's time and gathered outside the building on the lawn and Paul could see them. "They are down on the ground, but right below the windows." Paul explained to Nate. Nate then grabbed the tech nine and began firing underneath more random tables and headed towards the office of the study hall. There were more kids laying there bleeding and crying out for help. Nate had lost his mental count of how many he had shot. Sarah's eyes had opened and she stared right up at Paul, maybe for help, he couldn't quite tell. Paul couldn't stand to see her misery and confusion and took hold of the shot gun, swirled it around and aimed it at her and fired. He shot her in the chest and he swore he could see the floor from the hole he had left in her. "Cool." He said then walking over towards Nate. They walked into the office together discovering Jennifer and Mrs. Jarvis. Jarvis looked at Nate directly in the eyes getting a hold of what composure she had left. "Nate, don't do this, please, you were always such a smart boy." She finished crying. He lowered the gun as he noticed Jennifer. He crouched down next to her. "Hey Jen, thanks for always being nice to me, we're cool." She closed her eyes and just nodded, crying softly at Nate's words to her. He stood back up and shot a look to Paul and they exited the office and went back over to the windows. They could tell the swat team was starting to take aim at the library windows. Paul shot then all the rounds he had left in the shot gun, and picked up the AR15 emptying the magazine completely out of the widow. The police were returning fire and began to cautiously make their way into the lower level of the school. Nate just stood back watching the exchange. Paul then walked away from the window. "They didn't even hit me!" He laughed loudly.

    The breezed filled the room through the shot-out windows and Paul turned to look at Nate. "They're coming." He said quietly. "Yeah…that they are." They were aware their time was coming to a close. Nate faced his friend and picked up the nine millimeter. They both took off their sunglasses and caps, never saying another word to one another, everything had already been said. Paul grabbed the Winchester reloading it with the bullet that donned the blue heart from a small pouch in his fatigues. He smiled at Nate and placed the shot gun in his mouth, placing his finger on the trigger as a single tear made its way down his cheek. Nate could feel the cold steel against his temple and his wet hair as he pressed the nine millimeter hard against his own head, positioning his finger on his own trigger. Nate counted then, "One....Two....Three...."

 

   There was a blast, bright lights, all alarms had faded. He felt the gravity pull his body to the floor as is his legs had disappeared. He could see himself then in the most picturesque image. Darkness surrounded him, he convulsed and choked. As a deck of cards being shuffled, the scenes of his short life unfolded.

  His tiny feet in bare grass, Janice chasing him through the yard, creeping into bed besides his parents during a thunderstorm, Christmas when he had gotten a remote control corvette, lace curtains blowing in his grandmother’s living room, hiding from his cousins in his back yard, his first day of fifth grade, the smell of his favorite meal as he walked in to greet Janice after school, sitting in his dad’s lap watching a football game, falling off of his bike and breaking his arm, Janice taking his temperature as step throat claimed him, his uncle laughing at his corny jokes, holding Beau for the first time after his birth, seeing his best friend for the first time when he entered his classroom, his father telling him goodbye as he left their home for the last time, Janice hugging him on prom night, Amanda laying asleep next to him her eyes moving under closed lids as she slept. He choked again unable to gain a beat from his heart, blackness consumed him and the room.

  Nathaniel Marcus Durham exhaled his final breath.

  Jennifer and Mrs. Jarvis sat there for a moment listening to the commotion outside but could tell all was silent inside the study hall. That last, final blast had been louder than any of the others. She got up slowly, Jennifer still clinging to her. She could see the bodies of children lying all around amidst the dense smoke, underneath tables. No one was moving, that she could tell. She looked around her file cabinet and could see the feet of Nate lying in a puddle of blood. She quickly led Jennifer out of the room and they went to a window in a classroom around the hallway, where she knew there was a maintenance access ladder and helped Jennifer and herself climb down to safety.

   Paramedics rushed over to them as the swat team entered and covered every inch inside the high school. A policeman was making his way over to Mrs. Jarvis. She stated her name and they handed her a cup of water. Kids remaining in the school were led out in every direction, exiting with their hands in the air as instructed. Jarvis looked up at the policeman coming towards her. She lifted her head higher then to get a better look at him. "They are dead, they shot themselves." She said lowering her head back down. There were hundreds of people now gathering at the barricades around the school. Parents, friends, other kids, drove around town to see who they could find and Westvale seemed to stop and everyone seemed to take to the streets. Rescued kids were taken to the middle school down the street from the police department to be reunited with their parents.

   In Every direction imaginable there was utter chaos. Tears flowed like the autumn rain and news vans from around the country flooded even the most crowded of streets. Deceased still lay in the school and parents of those children whose names never made it to the lists of the middle school were asked to quietly gather dental records and photos for identification purposes. Injured kids were rushed to area hospitals and treated. Disparity covered Westvale that day as its Christian values, perfectly trimmed lawns, and suburban tranquility was rocked to its core. Parent’s anguish was heard world round. Names were being said on the tips of tongues at suspects and those who they thought were guilty of withholding information. That day they wandered the streets of their beautiful town in shock of why this had happened to them. As names of the deceased began to emerge there were outcries of rage and anguish and all of Westvale stood still. This cool spring day had been transformed into the backdrop of one of the deadliest massacres of innocent youth in America. Nathaniel Durham and Paul Langley were two names which would be forever intertwined and carved deeply into the history of this small city and the rest of the country as well.

  "Janice!" Kelly, a co-worker came running over to her from her side of the office. "There's been a shooting at the school!" She exclaimed. "What school?" Janice asked her. "Westvale!" Kelly shouted to her. "Oh my god…Nathaniel!" Janice forgot her purse grabbing only her keys and ran towards the elevator. "Come on, come on!" She stood in front of it pleading. She finally reached the bottom floor and headed out to the parking garage. She fumbled with her keys and got inside the car. She drove for a moment realizing she had no idea of where she was going. She turned on a local radio channel to see what she could hear. They were telling everyone to stay in their homes that the policemen were busy trying to get all of the kids to the middle school and then they would begin calling parents. "Just go home! Have you lost your fucking mind?" She said to herself. She drove on heading directly to the middle school as directed by the local radio station for the parents of students if they so wished to wait there. She had to park a few blocks away for there were so many news vans, and medical vehicles she couldn't even tell where to begin. Her heart was racing, but she had a distinct feeling Nate was alright. She walked over to the barricade with the other parents and family and hordes of countless other people and found a paramedic. She grabbed him by the arm. "My son goes to Westvale, he's a senior, where are they at?" Janice asked him hurriedly. "There's already a list over there, ma'am, of kids that are in the middle school. Tell your child's name to the three or four people over there with the orange vests on and they'll let you in to pick him/her up." He finished. She was somewhat annoyed that he seemed so calm. There seemed to be hundreds of people standing around crying and clinging to one another. She then heard a familiar voice from behind her. She turned to see Howard walking towards her. He walked up to her and grabbed her, holding onto her with all of his strength. She cried into his chest. "Thank god you're here!" Janice cried to him. "Let's go and find our boy." He said making her feel at ease. They made their way up to where the papers stated the names of the kids that were inside and they went over it three times, Nate's name was not on it. "Oh hell, either he isn't here or they just didn't get everybody yet." Howard said to Janice. They found an officer and Howard shouted to him. "Sir, over here!" The officer looked his way, "Sir, I have plenty of kids that aren't on the list, we just don't have them all yet." He stated already knowing what Howard was going to ask him. "Bullshit!" Howard said then. The officer, agitated at his remark turned, "What's the name?" "Durham, Nathaniel or Nate Durham." The officer just looked at him for a moment not knowing what to say. He then walked closer to Howard and Janice. "You better get into the police station, now. Go!" Janice headed in the direction of the police station across the street feeling like she was going to burst. Howard followed behind her. They walked up to the main desk and stated their names and that one of the officers outside had directed them there. A policewoman grabbed a clip board and said to them, "Sure, let's go back here." Janice thought for a moment, that maybe this was a bad dream, that she would wake up in a moment and her son would be asleep and safe in his bed. Howard turned to her then, walking beside her, "Where's Beau?" "He's at the elementary, you know that." She answered. "He's safe and sound then; all schools are on lockdown and secured." The policewoman answered overhearing their conversation. Just then, Janice looked up at Howard and gasped. They made it into the tiny room, and the woman turned the light on. "They'll be with you shortly, have a seat." And with that they were left alone. "Howard, he's gone.” She said beginning to cry but still confused. Why else would they have us in here?" She pleaded. "I know, I'm afraid we need to prepare for this." He said starting to cry himself. Just then, all the memories that Howard had had of Nate throughout his whole life passed before him, from the time he was a tiny baby until the time he took him to buy his car. Something inside of him then, told him his son was in fact gone.

   In a quiet, decent suburb on such a beautiful day in May a large home with grey trim and blue shutters peacefully sat at the end of a cul-de-sac. Its yard was perfectly trimmed and the interior was immaculate. Inside there were pictures on the wall that depicted the perfect all American family, two happy parents with two handsome dirty blonde headed sons. The house was decorated in the latest decor and the fireplace was used often. The smell of potpourri filled the house and it was a nice, warm welcoming feeling once you stepped into the place. A grandfather clock stood before the entryway and chimed on every hour. The kitchen bore the smell of last night's dinner and had a rack with dishes that had been placed on it to dry. Across from the kitchen was the formal dining, with a long cherry wood table with a china hutch to match. At the end of the table there sat a green spiral notebook with a video camera on top of it and two tapes on either side of it. The camera had been written on with permanent magic marker and bore the name, Paul W. Langley to match the name on the spiral. Inside were diagrams and letters and thoughts that began to explain the tragedy that had rocked the town to its knees that day. Here, the mastermind behind one of the worst school shootings in U.S. history had set his personal possessions for all to view. He didn't want there to be any second guessing about why he did what he did, yet he knew there would be. On the other end of the table he had set in sequence by month, every unopened pill bottle, containing the "poison", as he had called it. Directly on top of the middle bottle, there sat one unspent shot gun shell. The sound of cameras flashed as they recorded every detail of the Langley home and its contents. There were at least six FBI agents in Paul's room taking it apart and going through every drawer and dismantling his computer. Margaret, at first, had stood blocking the door to his room from them to no avail. Bill placed his arms around her and led her to the dining room. Margaret decided to sit quietly and listened to the radios, chatter of the walkie talkies and every heavy thud noise coming at her from every direction of her home. She watched as they made a path through her backyard and towards their shed. She sat there and felt the weight of the world upon her back. She couldn't even muster a cry from out of the disbelief. She just couldn't wait to see him, to ask him, and herself...why. Bill sat there next to their lawyer holding her hand as the scene unfolded in front of them. "After today, I don't want to be here anymore." She said quietly to him. "I know, I don't either." Bill said beginning to cry holding onto the woman he loved. Margaret still couldn't cry. She hadn't cried yet, and she wondered why this was so. She loved her son more than anything, yet she was unprepared to grieve.

   Later that evening, across town, two detectives from Cincinnati were directed to the Beckwith home to gather all the information they could from a girl named Amanda, for she had been rumored to be the girlfriend of one of the suspects. Barry wouldn't let her answer any questions until a lawyer was present. The detectives agreed and they sat there waiting for him to arrive. Amanda's eyes were purple and swollen. She hadn't eaten since she had come home and had vomited until there was nothing left inside of her. Her throat was sore and her whole body ached from the jarring of her violent crying. The detectives looked around the house and made notes on little notepads they took out of their pockets. Amanda thought how it looked like a scene from a crime show on television. The lawyer arrived and they began asking her questions. The first were simple direct questions such as her name and if these were her real parents and about her siblings, if any, and then the questions started getting more personal and they were all about Nate and her, or just Nate. She thought some of them were stupid, and her parents thought some of them were irrelevant also. They started asking about guns and Amanda was truthful with them. She talked to them about the shooting range, the party at Chris’s and New Year's Eve night. They asked her if she and Nate had ever been intimate and she looked over at her mother and then returned. "Yes, once. Only once… at his residence." She added. She felt humiliated and started to cry, even though she was sure there were no more tears left. They had collected some photographs and an answering machine tape from the home. Before they left, Amanda went up to one of them, with the lawyer behind her. She looked up at him and asked, “Do you have to take all the pictures?" The one detective, the taller one, had felt sorry for her and reached into the small brown box and lifted one of the prom pictures out that her mother had taken, and handed it to her. The other officer was already outside and he leaned in and whispered to her, "It isn't going to hurt anything." She just stood there holding it between her fingers.

  The whole city of Cincinnati was alive with talk of the tragedy and a woman working as a journalist for the Herald had just gotten off the phone and was told to release the name of the suspects, as their bodies had been identified. She wrote on a small piece of paper, Paul William Langley 18, and Nathaniel Marcus Durham 18, Both from Westvale Ohio. There was a total of twenty two dead from the attack and many others wounded and some burned from the explosions of the bombs. The newspaper had been instructed not to run the names of the deceased, for as of yet, they all had not been identified. There was a following story the next day that there had been one Bruce Allen Wade and Christopher Paul Wilson arrested with the charge of possession and the sale of illegal firearms to a minor. Bruce Wade was also charged with possession and distribution. There was still a pending investigation on everyone they were deemed to be friends with.

    Detectives then showed up to the classifieds to speak with Michelle. They had found her through old phone records and through the journals. "I'm sorry she's on her honeymoon, she was married Saturday." Her boss Ellen directed them. "She won't be back until Friday, but then, she'll most likely be at home. I can give you her address and number though, just wait here." Ellen was intensely curious as to why Michelle would have anything to do with this, and she couldn't wait to find out.

   Michelle did return home on Friday and was exhausted but happy to be moving into her new home. Her and Ray were taking an extra week off to do so. She loved the way the new house smelled, the paint, the carpet, the smell of her new husband's after shave in the bathroom. Her and Ray were extremely happy. She made a quick tour of the place dreaming of where her first child's bedroom was going to be. Ray was fifteen years her senior but had never had children. All the guys at work congratulated him on his much younger catch. This made Michelle feel wonderful. The television had not been moved in yet and they had not watched TV on their honeymoon for obvious reasons. She went downstairs tired and jet lagged and went into the kitchen to make herself a sandwich, and wait for Ray to get out of the shower. She was in the middle of pouring herself a glass of juice when she heard a knock at the door. She thought it must be Callie for she was supposed to come by with some of her stuff. She opened it to two men in shirts and ties. A third one stood behind them with a polo shirt and slacks on. "Are you Mrs. Ray Sheppherd?" The shorter of them, Detective Fiches, asked as they explained who they were and flashed their badges. "Yes, is there something wrong? Did I do something?" She felt stupid then asking them that. "Come in, Mr. Sheppherd is in the shower." She explained to them. "Well we really just need to talk to you." Fiches said. She invited them to sit down in the living room. "I'm sorry this is only lawn furniture, we just got back and we're in the middle of moving in, it has been a case of bad timing and all." She said smiling. She sat on the edge of a box facing them. "Mrs. Shepperd." Mr. Fiches started. "Oh, call me Michelle, please." She instructed him. "Please tell me if you know a Paul William Langley." He began. All the color drained from her face. She took what seemed forever to answer the simple question. "Yes… well, I did. The last time I spoke to him was right before Christmas at Wall's drug store over on eighth and Gentry." She added. "Are you aware of the school shooting at Westvale?" Fiches asked her. "No, what shooting?" She then asked them. She heard Ray start to come down the stairs from behind her. "Mr. Langley and accomplice took it upon themselves to either kill or wound nearly fifty students before killing themselves on the seventeenth." Fiches explained. She put her head in her hands and started bawling. Ray ran over to her then and Mr. Fiches retold his story to him. They asked her random questions but intently wanted to know if she could recall any planning or ever seeing any evidence they described to her. She just sat there staring at them in disbelief leaving their questions unanswered. Ray looked at her for a moment confused for she had never mentioned Paul. "He was with Nate wasn't he?" She then asked them. "Yes." Fiches said looking at her with curiosity then. "Please let us retain an attorney and we will personally come to the station and answer any more questions." Ray stated then. "If you wish, sir." Ray shook hands with both of the men as they exited his residence. He shut the door and went over to the couch where Michelle still sat crying, unable to move. "Who is this Paul and how do you know him?" Ray questioned her. "I saw him before me and you were together." She explained. "He was a kid who was very sweet but had a lot of problems." She began. "You were with some high school kid? Michelle you knew better than that…it was illegal!” Ray said to her. "He wasn't that much younger than me, he was one of the sweetest people I ever knew. There is no way he did this!" She yelled. She then thought of the rage he had displayed the last few times they saw each other, and she put the pieces together. Ray held her and let her cry it out. All she could think of then, was a dark, cool night on a boat with a handsome young boy, who thought she held the keys to his world. Her heart would never forget him.

   Amanda dressed in a new dress her mother had bought her. She was to finish up the semester of school she had left in summer school, and get to graduate with the rest of her class which, had been postponed until August. She stood in front of the mirror. She merely brushed her hair as she had stopped caring what she looked like. She reached over to her vanity and grabbed the silver hooped earrings that he had always loved for her to wear. She put the high heels on she had worn to prom and walked out into the living room. "I'm ready." She said to her mother. She opened the refrigerator and grabbed the white stemmed rose her mother had purchased at her request. Amanda had not been out of the house in almost nine days. Her life stood still. She felt like a widow. All of her surroundings had seemed dark and falling apart. She sat in the back seat of Barry's car and rode quietly all the way to the funeral home. Her mother stopped in front of the Jones and Son's funeral home and let her out. "Sweetie, you sure you don't want me in there with yah?" Amanda turned to her then shutting the door behind her. "No mom." She answered. "I'll wait for you out here, ok?" Her mother answered respecting her odd request. Amanda just nodded her head. She turned and there was only one limo and a few cars and policemen that had been hired to keep reporters and onlookers with curiosity at bay. The May sunshine beat down on her, and she noticed then, it felt like it had been years since she had felt the warmth of the sun. A man greeted her at the door. "Are you here for Nathaniel Durham?" He asked her quietly. "Yes sir." She whispered as she took the paper that he handed her. He opened the door for her and she stepped inside the front corridor. At one side before you entered the chapel, there was a book to sign. She walked over and signed her name slowly. There was hardly anyone there, yet at the front she could see Beau just sitting there staring at the closed casket. She thought to herself, "W _hat a beautiful box they have put you in."_ Janice then turned and saw her. She waved for her to sit with them. Howard was on down the pew with his new wife. Janice looked like she had aged ten years. "Thank you." Amanda said to her. "You're welcome, sweetheart." Janice returned. The pastor walked in the chapel and came and opened the casket. Amanda felt faint then for she could see his profile from the top of the casket. The tears streamed down her face and Janice held her and Beau to her chest. Beau didn't even blink. He just sat there motionless staring at Nate. Amanda looked around then, through her tears and didn't recognize anyone except a girl sitting close to the back. It was Rory. Rory looked her way and smiled through her tears with a gentle smile. Amanda smiled at her through her own tears. Rory put her hand over her heart making a fist. Amanda knew this meant be strong. She sat through the funeral hardly moving, never letting go of Janice's hand. When it was over, Howard and his wife were the first ones to go the casket to pay their last respects, Janice and his grandparents followed. Amanda waited on Rory for she knew she couldn't do it alone. Howard scooped up Beau in his arms and sobbed while his wife had a hold of his shoulder. Rory and Amanda walked behind Janice hearing every word from a short distance that she spoke to him. Janice touched his head where the bullet had exited and you could barely make it out. She leaned then and kissed him. "Baby, I didn't know you were in such pain. Why didn't you tell mommy? I would never let you be alone, never. I know you weren't the person they are saying you are, and I know without a doubt that you're in heaven. I knew it that first day. I know you have been forgiven, for I have forgiven you." Janice then turned to the girls and stared at Amanda trying to smile through her tears. Amanda walked up to him. She stood there for a moment. She started crying and Rory placed her arm around her and kissed her on the cheek. "Oh, my beautiful Nate, my only one, you, I can't think. I have been mad at what you did and mad at what you didn't do, and that was believe in someone. I believed in you. I loved you." She leaned then and touched his hand. "You truly break my heart, but I forgive you. You dropped something that day, I'm gonna give it to you, it's the one thing they didn't take. I know you are a beautiful angel somewhere, no matter where you are at, because you were just confused." Her words through her tears were barely audible. "I'm glad I got to know the real you, not the other you." She took the pink crumpled up paper which she had neatly folded from her pocket, and kissed it before tucking it beneath his hand with the rose. "Be good." And with that she walked out of the chapel and then out of the funeral home. "Are you going to the cemetery?" Rory asked her. "No, I can’t bare the thought of them laying him in the ground but you are welcome to follow us back to my house.” Amanda finished. She needed her friend, they needed each other.


	14. The Unseen Grief of Amanda Beckwith

       Her blinds were cracked letting the sun radiate through them onto the bed. She could feel the warmth getting more intense the longer she lay there, yet she had no desire to stir just yet. It felt good to just lie there and not face anything except the pillow next to her. A t-shirt lay besides her and she reached over with her free hand that wasn't underneath the pillow and grabbed it and placed it next to her nostrils. His smell still filled the cotton weave and she breathed him in. The smell was growing faint, sooner than she had wished. She looked over at her alarm clock and realized it was almost noon. She had to be at summer school at two o'clock to take her class to be able to receive her diploma in August. She had skipped three or four of the classes already and knew that if she missed one more, she wouldn't receive the diploma, and have to try again at night school which began the following fall term or have the option of just obtaining her GED. She managed to crawl to the end of the bed and looked at her dresser mirror. Their prom picture stared back at her. "No, I'm not going to cry this morning." She told herself out loud. She got out of bed and made it down the hallway to the bathroom and put the water in the shower on as hot as her bare skin could withstand and climbed inside. She just stood there and let the water soak her nude body. "Think of something else, you're not going to cry today." She pleaded with herself again. The therapist had told her to say positive affirmations to herself every day. Amanda knew rightly that it didn't work and she really didn't care. The shower water ran over her like silk and she just let it go and let the tears roll as they would down her face. Amanda didn't recall hearing the phone ring, which had been unusual in the few last months.

      The Beckwith residence had been flooded with calls from news reporters, talk shows, radio shows, and national news broadcasts, people who would call and threaten her and weirdos who just wanted to question her. They all wanted a piece of her. Sometimes it felt to her, there were no pieces left. Barry had requested their number be changed but it was to no avail. They figured it would end given enough time. The lawn had been a virtual campground of cameras and photographers and newscasters of every nationality, from every state in the country, from every newspaper in print. Amanda was so well known she was practically a household name. She felt as if she were a virtual prisoner, she could barely venture out without being recognized and cursed at. Some people wanted to convict her saying she was aware of the plot all along. There were threats that lawsuits were pending against her and her family with possible prison time for her knowledge of weapons which she didn't make authorities aware of. Some pitied her and sent her letters with bible verses and money to "start her life anew". Churches and religious organizations sent prayer letters and people to their door to try and save her soul. Just venturing to the supermarket had become as impossible as reserving a trip to space for a lunar landing, or so this is how she described it. Amanda was wanted in every way. She was wanted for a role model, a reason to blame, a martyr, a suspect. She had been the lover of one of the most notorious killers of the century. This is how Paul and Nate were categorized now. Excerpts from Paul's journal were everywhere to be seen, the videos they made were highly sought after by every faucet of society. They were plastered on the national news almost every night as the investigation continued. There were thousands of sites on the internet that Paul so dearly loved with their pictures from the time they were infants till they were seniors. They were hated yet there was a new emerging sub-culture, as Paul had predicted that worshipped them and called them gods, and felt that they sent the proper message out into the world of how many kids were being isolated and tortured. Stories from every walk of life, from every high school in the country, of how the torture must stop and kids threatening to "finish the job" began to emerge. Everyone wanted answers and everyone expected that her and a few select others must have them. Amanda didn't have any that anyone else didn't. She went to the graduation that was held after the tragedy and received her mock diploma and was chased by reporters until Barry finally called the police to have them leave his daughter alone. Amanda had never been so frightened. She had heard a dozen speeches on how they did it purely for fame and that we must go on and forget about what they did as to not let them have what they wanted. Amanda remembered some of things she had read which Paul had written about him and Nate being famous. This made her laugh hysterically through her own grief. They succeeded; they were world renowned; they were famous by every definition. Some had stated, "Only a genius of sorts could've put this together and predicted the outcome." Amanda always had an answer to this, "They were never stupid.", then she'd smile remembering how smart they had been and how proud she had been of Nate, remembering something he had taught her or had explained to her and her average IQ. He was a demon to most now, a vicious murderer who gunned down people while he laughed at them, who had no soul, no heart, no remorse, who must have been born out of pure evil. Amanda knew the truth, yet she wouldn’t give anyone the satisfaction of knowing it. The truth that Nate was a wonderful person who was sweet, who loved small things like sunny days, and coca-cola, who was shy and held her close to him and told her how beautiful she was and how lucky he was to have her. How just being near him was the most wonderful feeling she had ever felt. She would never give them the satisfaction of knowing these things. The whole world already knew that she had slept with him, and dealing with that had been something that was worse than she had ever imagined. They had been transformed into two teenage kids who were just having sex, not two people in love who had shared one beautiful intimate night together.

         She finished showering and got out looking at a fuzzy image of herself through the steamed over mirror. Her eyes were always bloodshot no matter how much Visine she tried to hide behind. She had been taking an anti-depressant that had been prescribed for her, yet she most preferred alcohol or marijuana. She made it back to her room, with nothing on but the towel around her and lay back down on her bed. She must have fallen back asleep for the next sound she heard was the door opening up as her mother had come home from work. She heard her kick off her shoes and then heard her proceed on down the hallway towards her room. Her mother came and stood in her doorway. Amanda knew she was staring at her even though, she wasn't facing her. "Amanda Jean, you didn't go to class, you won't get your diploma now!" Her mother annoyingly nagged at her. Her mother then sighed as Amanda made no response to her whine, and turned to go to her own bedroom. Sometimes Amanda wished she could find what was important to her before all of this had happened. Sometimes she felt if Nate were there she would want to hit him as hard as she could for leaving her with all this, the weight of it all, the unbearable days which had now consumed her life. Her mother and Barry had been more than patient with her. Not only had Amanda lost her boyfriend, but she also had lost classmates and acquaintances, not to mention the two that were in prison awaiting trial. It seemed today, more than the few previous, she felt as if she was becoming a part of the bed itself, molding into it, melting with its every contour. Her mother came once again and stood at the doorway. "Let's go shopping tomorrow! It's Saturday and it's supposed to be beautiful, we'll drive to Cincinnati and maybe there won't be any problems." Her mother tried to assure her. "Mom, they know me no matter where I go, I can't hide, and I might as well have done the crime myself!" Amanda said muffled from her head in the pillow. "I wish you would stop saying that! You are gonna have to do an interview of some sort one of these days just to satisfy them." Her mother urged her. "Yeah but that's just it, they won't stop at just one, mom. They'll all want one then, and whatever was me and him is my fucking business!" She yelled. She reached over grabbing a stuffed animal and tossed it at the door making it close. She took another one and buried her head in it and began sobbing. The bowling alley had called and was wondering when she was going to return to work, but she had no clue of anything. Everyone was being more than lenient with her, considering the situation.

     The phone rang not ten minutes later and she reached to answer it. "Hello." She said with a groan. "Hey get your sexy ass out of bed! We're gonna get out and I'm gonna be there in, like, fifteen minutes and you're going to get your ass out of that fucking bed and you're going!" Rory exclaimed. Amanda had stopped arguing with her weeks ago, and let her drag her wherever she wanted. It was actually nice to hear her. "I want to go get all of my hair cut off today." Amanda said pitifully wiping her nose. "Then let's go!" Rory said. "Bye." Amanda returned and hung up the phone. Amanda had often wondered how Rory took Paul's death so lightly, but then, Rory was funny about things like this, and she and Paul hadn't shared the relationship her and Nate had. Rory had had her days, days like when she first went to the cemetery and found that Paul's grave was marked by number only, no name, no death date, as Nate's had been with a beautiful black granite headstone. Margaret and Bill had been afraid of retaliation, and didn't want their son's grave defaced and vandalized. But it had upset Rory, who began wailing unrepentantly and stating that he was a beautiful person who needed to be remembered for whom he was not what he did, even though she could very well understand his parent's motives. They had had no funeral for Paul, who was cremated and then buried. Margaret just couldn't think of a proper place to put her son's ashes. She had kept a few in a beautiful jade urn, which reminded her of the color of his eyes, and it sat on the highest shelf in the study. Rory missed him sometimes, she missed the way he made her laugh, and the way he had kissed her, and the awkward little insignificances that had made him Paul.

      Amanda finished dressing and put her hair up in a simple pony tail, and didn't bother to put make up on. She tied her tennis shoes and grabbed Nate's Yankees cap and her sunglasses and headed for the living room. Janice had thought it was only right to pack up a few of his personal possessions and give them to the girl. She kept his room shut and had talked of putting the house on the market and her and Beau moving to Columbus to live near her sister. Janice didn't want Beau to attend the same schools that Nate had, in fact she had considered private school for him. Beau didn't talk much, but just had bouts of crying and shouting, which Janice just let him have. She figured if that's how an eight year old dealt with death, then it wasn't for her to intervene. Janice had spoken to Margaret and Bill only twice since it had happened and even though she fought it, she found it hard not to blame Paul for her son's demise. She had seen the evidence; she was just in denial that her son had been capable of such thoughts and brutality. Janice was suffering, but she did it in stride and went on with her life as normal as she possibly could out of consideration for her son that was left. She knew she couldn't fall apart for his sake, for she was really all he had. Howard had went ahead and remarried, and had only seen Beau once since Nate's funeral. Janice had wondered if he would even call on his birthday, which was coming up in September. Janice only went to the store late at night as not to be recognized by someone else who would blame her. All in all, after consideration of Paul's mental state, the constant bullying the boy's had endured, their music and their video games, they...Margaret, Howard, Janice and Bill got the blunt of the blame. "How in the hell could they not have known?" People and parents of the victims would yell on the television and on talk shows.

     Margaret and Bill had pretty much become recluses in their own home. Bill was forced to take early retirement and had developed a heart condition for all the guilt he put on himself for what his child had done. Margaret constantly cried and screamed and stayed in her home and her bedroom curled up with books and movies and lived in a sort of make-believe world, where she had never even had a son, especially one that was capable of this type of evil doing. Paul's room was pretty much a dungeon and what the FBI hadn't seized had been covered by a thick layer of dust. Bill had actually placed an outside lock on it and hid the key to keep Margaret at bay. Janice often spent hours in Nate's room just remembering him. Looking for something that she might have missed, going through his books, his cd's, his clothes, his personal toiletries, constantly searching. It all looked completely unsuspicious for an eighteen year old kid who had been a cold blooded murderer.

     Amanda turned on the television and turned it to a channel that didn't broadcast news or anything relating to crime. She sat there with her knees folded in front of her with her arms wrapped around them. Her mom re-entered the living room and began opening up the mail. She threw four or five letters into a box on the kitchen floor marked "Amanda." Amanda looked over at this, "Hey only a few today, it's getting better. You could read them." Her mother stated. "Why? They all ask the same thing." You knew they were going to do it, why didn't you stop them, or, we feel so sorry for you our hearts and prayers go out to you." Amanda smarted. "Maybe they are really praying." Her mother insisted. "Who gives a shit, I don't need prayers, I need..." And with that she stopped for she had been working hard to stop saying his name. She fought the tears.

      The doorbell rang and she was glad to be leaving the house. She walked out to Rory's car and got in. She rolled down the window. "God damn, it's fucking August, can't you get some air conditioning in this son of a bitch?" Amanda said getting agitated for no apparent reason. "Oh, I see we're gonna be a little bitch today, well hello asshole; I'm Rory, have we met?" Rory said laughing. "Fuck you and fuck your laughter and fuck this stupid worthless piece of shit car!" Amanda screamed. Rory just let her vent as she sat silently and listened smiling. "Where are we going to get all of your hair cut off?" Rory asked her. "I don't know, I cleaned out my savings for college so make it somewhere expensive." She explained. "Is your mother aware that you did this?" Rory asked of the money. "No, it doesn't matter anyway; I can't even finish high school." She grumbled. "How much?" Rory asked her. "Like five thousand, not much." Amanda said almost under her breath. "Oh my god Amanda!" Rory laughed. "Before we go I want to go to Cedar Lane." Amanda insisted. "No, Amanda not today, you went last week, you promised me you wouldn't go for a month." Rory pleaded with her. "Take me to fucking Cedar Lane, or I'll jump out of the fucking car bitch!" Amanda screamed at her. Rory started to drive in the direction of the cemetery not completely trusting that her friend wouldn’t indeed jump out of a moving vehicle. Rory knew that after about twenty minutes Amanda would calm down and be just old Amanda again, as best as she could be. Sometimes Rory felt she had taken on too great a responsibility looking after her; it was if she was a drug addict, sometimes even crazy. Rory had wandered though, with great admiration, if she would ever be capable of loving someone that much, as Amanda had Nate.

      Rory had taken the same winding road which was lined with trees to the black rod iron gates and entered as she had so many times in the last few months. Amanda felt it hard to breathe as they passed through the gates and the air felt cool from the shade of the trees. Rory parked the car alongside a bed of roses and daffodils that had been meticulously landscaped and let her friend get out. Rory pulled out a cigarette and offered Amanda one which she didn't take. Amanda hadn't even noticed the offer.

     Amanda strolled by the roses and picked a full yellow one, and pinched off the stem with her fingernail. She walked the few yards over to the beautiful black headstone which shone brilliantly in the August sun. The grass had just begun peeking through the mound which lay at the foot of headstone. The flowers of the funeral had been taken away months ago, but the dirt was still fresh. Amanda pictured him lying there as she sat beside the mound, placing her hand on it. She glanced over towards Rory who was smoking her cigarette with her eyes closed with the car turned off but the radio blaring. Amanda didn't say anything for a moment, but then the words seemed to start to roll from her. She had marveled at how they had concealed his burial site so well. All that was on his headstone were his initials and date of birth and death with the words "Beloved One." "Hey there boy, I had to come see you even though I said I wouldn't for a while. I will never stop coming to see you, not even when I marry and get old, if that ever happens. I guess I'm not getting my diploma, I don't give a shit. I really don't." She then lay her head down on the mound of the grave. Her tears rolled then from her eyes to the dirt below her. "Oh, I miss you baby, I miss you so bad, why did you leave me? Why didn't you tell me? I would've given you the world for you not to have done this, you had to know that! I was so in love with you babe, I want to reach in here now and grab you up and take you home, I have to be fucking dreaming sometimes! I can feel you with me sometimes, in my room, I can feel you, I know you are there, you are there aren't you? They're re-opening the school for the fall term, they have been busy and have almost completely remodeled it, and you wouldn't know it." Of course I haven't seen the inside, I don't think I'll ever step foot in there again. I know you are sorry you left everyone, why didn't you just tell Paul to fuck off? Sometimes I really hate him, I don't know I think I just want someone to blame! I wish you would've gotten me pregnant, I wish I had a piece of you. Your mom has been so sweet to me, she loved you more than you will ever know, Nate, so did I.” She had repeated the same sentiments and questions on nearly every visit. “I never knew how much I loved you, I wish I could've made you see, I know I made you happy baby." Amanda began to wail and Rory jumped out of the car and ran towards her. “See god damn it, this is why you don’t need to come here, you can’t fucking handle it, you tell yourself you can but you can't! Get up! Come with me now!" Rory insisted. "Leave me alone, I don't want to leave him." Amanda was then the definition of pathetic as she sat there with spit dangling from her mouth crying like a child. Rory picked her up off the ground and Amanda grabbed the end of her t-shirt and wiped her face on it. Rory went and placed her in the car and gave her a hairbrush to fix herself up with.

       She started the car and drove out of the cemetery. Amanda held the site of the headstone in the side mirror as long as she could see it. She took down her hair and began brushing. Rory took out the small bottle of Visine and handed it to her along with some lip gloss. "Here fix up, you look like shit!" Rory stated. Amanda didn't care what she looked like. She knew it was selfish considering how many hundreds of people the massacre had affected, but sometimes she couldn't help feeling as if she were suffering all alone. "It does you no good to keep asking that fucking headstone the same questions over and over, he just checked out Amanda, you couldn't do anything about it then, and you sure as hell can't do anything about it now!" "You're only eighteen years old; you have like, a million years ahead of you!" Rory stated matter of fact. "Yes, mom, I know." Amanda said sarcastically. "People aren't going to feel sorry for you forever, most don't now, and look what they did! They killed innocent people because they were sick, nobody knew, they still don't! They never will and that is exactly what they wanted! If he loved you the way he should've he'd be here, but he isn't look at the reality Amanda!" Rory continued. "You didn't know him." Amanda said quietly. "I'm done with this conversation, I'm not saying don't miss him, don't stop ever loving him, but get on with your life!" Rory finished. Amanda knew in her heart she was right. Her mind knew it too; it felt impossible to get a grasp of the realities of it all.

        It was the same kind of afternoon in the Langley house that it had been since the day after that certain day in May when Margaret and Bill's life was turned upside down. The phone rang and the answering machine received all callers until Bill could recognize who was calling. Margaret no longer answered it. The neighborhood organization had been at least sympathetic with them and had installed a gate at the end of the cul-de-sac so the onlookers and paparazzi had no access to their home. The other neighbors were grateful for this as well, and they gave the Langley's their peace and quiet.

     Bill listened to the phone ring one more time and then instantly recognized Casey's voice on the answering machine. Three weeks before Paul had taken his life, Casey's wife had filed for a divorce much to his surprise, and went and moved in with her parents. Casey now was separated and had a nearly two month old daughter he had never seen. Bill had been surprised he hadn't made more of a fuss for visitation with the courts, but had been through too much personally to really question him a lot about it. He and Margaret felt there was more to the story, but didn't pry. Casey had told no one in California that Paul had been his brother and endured the ridicule about him with great ease knowing that they were wrong about him. A co-worker had announced to the breakroom one time and joked with him about how much he resembled that crazy ass kid that shot up his school in Ohio. Casey just swallowed hard and laughed with them. Casey knew his young wife was not happy and knew that she had probably left him for the man she had been sleeping with; in fact he wasn't even sure if the baby had been his, and then Paul went and did this. The little brother he wished he had gotten to know better. He had been shocked his parents hadn't even had a small funeral for him. An option to be transferred had come his way and he was eager to take it, especially since it meant he could go back and live in Cincinnati where he had grown up, but then people would know that Paul was his flesh and blood, but could it possibly be any worse than the heartache he was already enduring? He had felt guilt over not knowing Paul any better than he had. He remembered when Paul was a little kid and was always bugging him to do something with him, or always trying to tell him something about school and how the kids had picked on him and how Casey never felt he had time for him, for he always had "older teenage stuff" to do. He had been the annoying little brother he had pushed aside. He had read what Paul put in his journal about him just as the rest of the country had, and couldn't blame Paul then for hating him. It was as if someone he didn't know had died and this is what tortured him the most. He felt it was time though to be there for his parents as they had been for him, so he went and put in for the transfer and everyday waited on word of the decision. On that August morning he received the answer to his request. Bill slowly got up to answer the phone. "Hello son." He barely muttered. Casey didn't hesitate. "Dad, I got the transfer, I'm coming back to Cincinnati." Bill smiled, for it was the best news he had had in a while and he knew it might help Margaret more than anything. They finished talking and Bill walked into the bedroom that Margaret rarely left. She looked up at him without even asking him what he wanted. "Casey got the transfer, he's coming home, he's gonna stay here until he gets a place in Cincinnati." Bill said excitedly. "It'll be nice to have him around." He finished. "I suppose." Margaret managed. "Karen also called earlier for you but you were asleep." He added. "Ok, I'll call her." Margaret said with a groan. There was a silence then she responded. "I'm glad Casey is going to be here." She smiled for a moment and Bill smiled back at her, it had been weeks since either had smiled about anything. "At least we didn't mess that one up, huh?" She said then. Bill turned around to face her, "Don't say that to me again." And with that he walked out of the room. Bill missed his wife, she had become someone he didn't know, and had never known and he desperately wanted her back.


	15. Brother Unknown

       Casey spent much of that weekend packing what little he owned, or that Tasha hadn't taken, and packed the small U-Haul trailer he had rented for his trip across the country. He was excited about driving, for he hadn't really ever been on a cross-country trip and felt it would give him some time to himself to think. He had finished up his last week at work the second week in September and had spent the week before now trying to get Tasha to see things differently and trying to get the chance to see Emily, his daughter before he left. All Tasha wanted to talk about when he got a hold of her was Paul. "I don't know how to feel; maybe it just hasn't hit me yet." Was all he could answer to of his feelings on the events that had unfolded that previous spring. In truth, he watched the news religiously, but had been away for so long, and so disconnected with his brother, he really didn't know how to feel. He had wanted to go to Ohio when it happened but he knew he couldn’t travel with a very pregnant wife and the struggles of an already deteriorating marriage. He had called his parents constantly and learned they planned to have no funeral but just have Paul quietly cremated. He was almost shocked with himself for wanting to go back to Ohio after he had planned for so many years, as a teen himself, to get away. He wasn't up to a big custody battle for a child he wasn't even sure was his own, and Tasha had made it very clear, that the marriage was over. Casey had so many questions of why she had left and what he should've done different. He had asked her these things when he finally got a hold of her and her only response was, "I just don't think it's a good idea we are married, I'm just not happy." Maybe he had never made her happy; they had only been married a few years, maybe she just didn't give him enough time. Yet enough time had passed he knew he just wanted to get away; away from her, the divorce, and California itself. He had a few fears of how he would be treated when he got back home. He knew the hand his parents had been dealt lately, and he had suggested that maybe they should move to the city for a change, and sell the house. Bill really didn't like that idea. They were scared to leave for all of a sudden a couple of civil lawsuits had been filed against them regarding victims of the shooting. The Kessler’s and the Brach’s were also trying to sue Janice and Howard and the school itself. Casey was worried for his parents for this reason, for he didn't have the slightest idea of how his parents were going to pay for this now that his father had taken an early retirement. Casey also knew in the last few years he had a lot of time to make up for; for not entirely being there and felt it was his place now to help. He knew he bore a striking resemblance to Paul and this also worried him. What had made his brother commit this terrible crime? He had only been contacted by a couple of news channels and magazines but had told them that they had the wrong number. He questioned the motives of his younger sibling, and had read most of his journal, wondering what had made him feel this way about his fellow classmates that led him to believe murder was the only answer. Casey had loved his days at Westvale. He was a good student and played baseball and soccer and had been pretty popular. He knew that there was a bigger world out there that was worth exploring and he lucked out and got a great job offer not too long after he had gotten out of school and was able to afford the life he wanted and was transferred to California, which was a whole different world from Westvale, Ohio. He felt like maybe he was lucky that he was able to boycott college and instead took the money Margaret and Bill had saved for him to go to school and told them to put it in Paul's college fund. He wondered where this money was at now, for the interest would be great, but he figured it had probably been spent on all of their legal fees and fees still pending. It angered him that they would be sued for something that Paul had done, for he knew his parents were not the kind of people that would have raised a murderer. He thought of this and a million other things as he started his trek across the country to a place he felt was begging him back.

 

          Amanda had felt it must have been a week since she had cried. She had actually gone to the mall with Rory without being harassed, a few stares, but was not chased after like some animal. "See I told you the shit would calm down." Rory assured her. They had changed her medication at her mother's request and she felt that it was actually doing some good. Amanda, for the first time in almost four months, felt a little like herself again. She hadn't been to the cemetery since the last time her and Rory had been there. In the last few weeks she had started wearing make up again. She got her hair cut short where it fell onto her shoulders and she now had bangs and the haircut was made to wear it tapered around her face. She loved it. It was easy to fix when she got out of the shower in the morning and wasn't as heavy on her head as it had been. She had lost weight, almost twenty pounds, yet in the last couple of weeks she had regained her appetite and had been craving hamburgers and Hilltop pizza with onions, black olives and sausage. Her mother had ordered a medium pizza with these exact toppings the week before and Amanda had devoured it with a huge glass of Pepsi. Her mother and Barry had noticed this and slightly smiled at each other. Sometimes in the evening, just as the sun was setting she would take a walk around the neighborhood and make a game out of not stepping on the cracks as she had done when she was a child. Sometimes she imagined Nate was there beside her and she would tell him of her day and how she was doing and how she had planned to get her GED that winter. Sometimes she told him how she missed him, and how sad she had been and how she wanted to stop being so sad. She would also ask about how he was and what he was doing and imagined the answers. She would tell him to say hey to Paul and anyone else he saw that she might know. A few times she had wondered if maybe she was crazy, but her therapist had assured her it was a very normal response to grief. She had been laid off from the bowling alley, which was not to her surprise; she really hadn't planned on returning. Too many kids hung out there and there were too many painful memories for her there. She wanted to find something though to occupy her time as she had just begun to heal emotionally. Even after all that happened she knew she had to find some way to go on and find a life for herself and become an adult despite her loss. Rory had mentioned to her several times about getting a place of their own and having jobs and stuff. Rory was going to the junior college in Cincinnati and was working at night as a cocktail waitress. Amanda thought it belittled her in a way to have to wear the skimpy attire, but she made generous tips especially from her regular customers. Amanda could never see herself dress that way and parade around in front of men. "Hey if you got it, use it." Was always Rory's answer to this type of questioning.

 

     Amanda had just come in from one of her walks and Barry was seated at the dining room table with Ruth, her mother. Nikki was sitting in front of the television. "Back off from that thing, you're gonna ruin your eyes." Amanda pleaded with her then. "Hey sweetie, good walk?" Ruth asked her. "Oh I guess, why?" Amanda asked her curiously. "Me and Barry both feel it would be to your benefit if you were to try and find a job, and too, it's getting tough for us to continue paying your car payment. I know you cleaned out your savings, Amanda, do you have anything left?" Her mother asked her point blank. Amanda didn't see the point in lying. "Yes, I did, and yes, I've got almost all of it left, it's in my room. If you want I can make the next few payments on the car until I find a job. I know I need to do something, I just now feel like it, I'm sorry for that, I guess." Ruth smiled at her answer. Barry didn't have much to say to her given their history with each other. "Well, sweetie I haven't thrown out the Sunday paper." Ruth reminded her, Sunday being the best day for employment classifieds. "Got it mom." Amanda said to her undoing her jacket as she walked to her room.

   She got into her room and shut the door and hung her jacket on her doorknob. Ruth had already laid the newspaper on her bed. "Geez." Amanda laughed to herself. She flung herself onto her bed, taking Nate's t-shirt and tucking it under her. She grabbed the remote to the television turning it to her usual Sunday television show and opened up the newspaper. She circled a few with some nail polish that looked interesting to her. She got up and flung the paper on her dresser and sat down at her vanity and looked at her and Nate's picture. She didn't cry, and a part of her couldn't believe it. She took the picture between her fingers and touched his face with the index finger of her right hand. "It's time, isn't it sweetheart?" She asked the image staring back at her. She thought for a moment, _“He wouldn't be here anyway; he'd be in Missouri at college, possibly chasing some other girl”,_ even though she knew it wasn't like him to chase girls. She lay on her bed and watched some more television and a little after eight o'clock the phone rang and startled her. She picked up the line expecting it to be Rory. "Amanda?" Janice asked. "Yeah, hey how are you?" Amanda asked her. "I thought about you all day today for some reason, it's been awhile since I've seen you and I just wanted to know how you are doing, hon.” For a moment Amanda was unsure how she should answer her. She decided to be truthful; after all, this woman deserved honesty more than anything. "I'm really getting better, I'm still on meds, but I feel I will get there soon, where I don't have to be." "How are you?" Amanda asked her. "I'm starting to get there, but then I don’t think I ever will be, not completely. I talked to Howard and we're going to sale the house, and I'm going to move close to Columbus with my sister." Janice explained. "Oh." Amanda said swallowing hard for thinking of someone else living in the house where she had such fond memories struck a chord in her. "I'd like you to come over and help me go through his room, I mean it. Besides me and Beau you were probably the next closest person to him, besides....well, you know." Janice said with a little shakiness in her voice. Amanda was unsure she could go back into that house, but could she let this woman down after all she had been through? She knew she couldn't, in fact she knew Janice must have thought a great deal about her to have even offered; she was truly grateful. The line went silent for a moment before Amanda answered. "God yes, Janice, I will, definitely, when?" She asked her. "Well, let's see today is Sunday, so how does Friday sound?" She asked. "I'm not doing anything." Amanda assured her. "Well, I get home from work at around six and Beau will be at his dad's, I don't think he needs to be here, there is already a few things of Nate’s I have saved for him when he is older.” Janice explained. "I understand, I'll be there, Janice, I promise." Amanda reassured her. "Thank you, Amanda, you're a strong girl, you're a good girl." Amanda could tell that Janice was about to cry. "Well, I'll see you Friday then." Janice said. "Yeah, goodnight." Amanda answered her. "Goodnight hon.” Janice concluded hanging the phone up.

 

     Casey finally reached Westvale that Tuesday evening after leaving California on Sunday morning. He was utterly exhausted. He was thankful his company had given him a week off to rest and get settled before he had to start at the new office. Bill came out the front door and happily greeted him. "You must've driven some long hours." Bill laughed. "Yeah, I haven't slept much. I only stopped once to spend the night in Utah. I'm fucking tweaked." Casey said smiling, as he grabbed a big black laundry bag out of his backseat. "Twenty-seven years old and still gonna bring your laundry home.” He said laughing, grabbing his son and hugging him hard. "Yeah, but I can manage; mom won’t be doing it." Casey answered. He looked around and noticed a couple neighbors watching them. Bill noticed this as well. "Don't worry, people just like to stare." He assured him. "Yeah, I guess we're pretty damn interesting now, huh?" Casey snickered. Bill didn't answer him. Margaret had actually got out of bed and straightened up the house and got Casey's old room ready for him and baked brownies with peanut butter chips, his favorite. Casey's room was at the end of the hallway, the door right past the door that led to the basement that had been Paul's. Margaret was anxious to have new life in the house. She had actually smiled and laughed for the first time in months, and Bill was overjoyed to see it. Margaret greeted him with a big hug and kiss; it was the best Casey had actually felt in a long time. "I'm not going to ask you about Tasha, I promised myself." Margaret said sincerely to him. "I appreciate that mom."

     Bill helped him carry a few other boxes into his room. Margaret went into the kitchen to check on dinner. She had prepared lasagna, knowing it was his favorite. When he and Bill were alone Casey had to question him. "What have you all done with his room?" "We haven't done anything, hell, I don't even think we've been in there since May, in fact I know we haven't, it's beyond your mother's means so to speak, we may never go in there again, I padlocked it. The investigators gave us most stuff back, even some of his personal effects he had on him that day. Everything else was kept for evidence." Bill concluded. "I was just curious, dad." Casey assured him. "Well, anything you want to know just ask me not your mother, ok? We're still trying to make sense out of it. The investigation is still wide open. The monster that did these terrible things wasn't my son." Bill commented as he exited the room.

   Casey was left alone then, and looked around the room at his trophies he had told Margaret to keep. He had baseball trophies and soccer medals, and awards for different academic contests. He remembered how hard he had to work to keep his grades good and how easy school had come to Paul. He recalled how proud and boastful Bill and Margaret had been with family and friends when they found out that Paul was gifted and how average, awkward and jealous this had made him feel even though he was already fourteen at the time. He recalled then how he and his friends would make fun of him and call him crazy and deranged when he had to start taking medication and began counseling for his behavioral issues. Casey swallowed hard, remembering how cruel he had been to Paul at times out of pure jealousy. Casey looked around and took in how generic his room seemed to him now. _"The perfect kid's bedroom."_ He laughed to himself of his mother’s taste in décor.

        He headed for the living room and felt a cold chill come across him as he passed Paul's door. Bill helped him unpack the trailer and what he couldn't fit into the bedroom, or didn't need until he got his own place, they stored in the attic and the garage. He enjoyed being home.

   They ate dinner and talked about California and his transfer and he even talked a little about the baby and Tasha and he explained only what he thought they would be comfortable with hearing. It seemed so normal, just a family having dinner together, not the mother and father and brother of a terrible tragedy that had shaped Ohio and America forever. Margaret actually brought up the lawsuits. She didn't seem mad, just sad for the parents who had also lost their children. For some reason this made Casey feel at ease, for he knew then, his mother still had the heart she had always had, caring and forgiving. She may be depressed but she wasn't bitter.

 

      Amanda got up at around seven thirty much to Ruth's surprise and got a shower and got dressed. "Well you have arisen from the ashes." Her mother joked with her as she was leaving for work. "I need to go apply at a few of the places I circled in the paper." Amanda explained to her. "Anything sound good?" Ruth asked her. "A couple, one is for a receptionist at a construction firm. Knowing my luck they'll want a diploma or your GED." Amanda said rolling her eyes. "You never know, you won't unless you try." Ruth assured her. "Yeah, I know." Amanda said seriously.

    Amanda finished getting ready and drove into the city and came to Foster and Grant Construction Inc. She parked in the visitors parking section and checked her hair in the rearview mirror. "Make this good." She told herself. She got up her courage and walked into the building. She came to a desk that had a sign above it that read _Personnel_. The lady at the desk looked up, “Can I help you with something?" She asked looking away from her computer screen. "I'm here to fill out an application for the receptionist job in the paper." The lady then reached up under the counter to her right and got out about six pages of papers for her to fill out. The application asked her for her education and had lines where you were to describe your education at these places. She was honest and put down that she was going to attain her GED that January. It took her nearly twenty five minutes to finish it and after she was done she handed it to the lady behind the desk. “They will probably call you to let you know if they are interested; they want to hire someone by next Monday." "Ok, thank you." Amanda said and turned towards the door and walked to her car. She got in and talked to herself as she pictured Nate sitting there. "Who am I fooling, they won't be interested in me, I have never done shit, I don't even have a high school diploma, even though the ad didn't specify." She said trying to reassure herself. She thought of meeting Rory for lunch, but instead she just drove home and went to her room and laid down to take a nap before that evening when she was to go to Nate's and help Janice with his room. Just the thought exhausted her. Within minutes of lying down, she fell asleep.

 

   _She opened the front door and started walking down the street. She looked down and couldn't believe what she was wearing. She had shorts on with her favorite black t-shirt. She was bare footed and the ground hurt her feet. The end of the street had changed. She could smell water and rotting fish. A warm breeze blew around her and the sun was getting brighter by the minute. Amanda finally made it to the end of the street and realized that it turned into a beach with a spectacular lake front view. She noticed the park and went to sit in one of the swings. Amanda began swinging and laughing as she swung higher and higher. She hadn't felt this way since she was a child and Barry used to push her on her backyard swing set. All of a sudden she felt a sickness in her stomach which caused her to stop. She dragged her feet in the sand before coming to a stop. Amanda realized a dock down from where she was. She smelled the dead fish smell again. It got stronger as she got closer. She could feel the warm air off of the water. She walked up the ramp to the little fishing dock and hut. It rocked as she walked and made little ripples in the water. She opened the door to the little hut and it made a loud creaking sound. Something made her giggle at this. There were lawn chairs all around the railing for people to sit in and fish. She looked around and noticed a man sitting in the end chair. "Hey, what the hell are you doing here?" He asked her loudly. He still had his head down so she couldn't make out his face. "I don't know, what are you doing here?" She asked him laughing. He stood then and faced her. She felt all life in her tremble as she looked him in the eyes. Her heart was beating so hard it made her whole body shake. He walked towards her. "What are you doing here?" He asked her again. His eyes were so cold and his voice was evil and unfathomable. She couldn't answer realizing it was Nate as he walked closer to her. She wanted to run away from him but she was frozen. "I'm sorry I bothered you." She managed then crying and shaking. The tone in his voice suddenly changed and he grabbed for her. She turned then and tried to run but he had caught her. "Don't run from me, baby. I didn't know it was you!" "I need you. I'm so fucking lost without you, you know that don't you?" He let go of her then as he knelt on the ground with his head in his hands and began screaming and crying. She dropped to her knees in front of him. "I do love you Nate, I just have to go on, I have to forget how it feels, I have to live for me, I need you, but I can't have you anymore, you left me. You fucking left me! Why did you fucking do that? Why did you leave me all alone? I wanted to have your baby!"_

 

   Amanda awoke then to the phone ringing. She was sweating and her heart was beating wildly and it felt as if it was making the bed shake. "Shit." She said to herself. She reached over and answered the phone. It was Rory; she was on her lunch break at school. "Are you ok? Were you sleeping? You are supposed to be going to see about that job." Rory reminded her. "Damn it man, I did, get off my case Ruth!" Amanda said a little agitated. "Sorry." Rory said laughing. "I just had one hell of a dream. I dreamed about him, that's the first one I've ever had about him since it happened. I have had weird ones and ones I can't explain, but I've never seen him in them." Amanda explained to her. "I'm sorry, just calm down, it probably isn't the last, and it just means you're getting on with your life and maybe you’re feeling a little guilty about it, he made his decisions, now you must make your own." Rory finished. Amanda couldn't believe just how smart Rory could be at times. She hung up the phone and walked into the bathroom stripping down to nothing and took a cold shower to wash the sweat off of her. She felt incredibly uneasy and she still had yet to face his mother and his bedroom in a few hours. For reasons unknown to her, she felt more ready to do it now.

 

   Casey had actually talked Margaret into getting out of the house and going to a craft show with Karen. Bill found this as a good excuse to go see a few of the men he had worked with who had been begging him to come and have lunch with them. The Langley's had friends who had real concern and sympathy for them, and Casey was glad of this. He sat and watched television for a while and ate a sandwich after he had finished unpacking and putting up clothes in his closet. He had called the office where he was to return to work that following Monday and told them he had arrived and to find out exactly where he was going to be. He wrote down all the details. He then put the remainder of his laundry in the dryer and sat back down on the couch to finish the movie he had started. He knew his parents would be out the remainder of the afternoon and was happy to have some time for himself and for them, for he knew they hadn't gotten out much, especially Margaret.

    He heard a loud noise come from down the hall as if something had fallen from a shelf in his room. He walked to his room and looked around but everything was in place. He stopped at Paul's door. He fooled with the lock just out of curiosity. It didn't budge. He walked back towards the kitchen wondering where his parents kept the key. He grabbed two rings with miscellaneous keys on them and went back towards Paul's door. He tried at least six of the keys on one ring and threw it down when none of them were successful. He was trying the second key on the next ring and the lock made a loud click. He slowly slid the key out and turned the knob. He took a deep breath and opened it. The air in the room was cold as it surrounded him. He felt for a switch, forgetting it was at the bottom of the stairs. He felt the wall as he went down the stairs in the dark and felt for the switch again when he knew he had entered the room. He had not been in Paul's room in more years than he could remember. He looked around at the walls. Above the made bed there was a KMFDM poster with a drawing of a large hand that donned a pistol. There was a small poster next to his dresser mirror that was of a naked model with just a towel over her lower half and the top of the poster read _"Hustler_ ". Casey kind of laughed and thought to himself. _"Mom would've shit if I would've hung something like that up in my room."_   There were a couple of movie posters hanging on the other wall was a movie poster for "Natural Born Killers". He snickered as he remembered seeing the movie with a buddy of his in California, for it had been too violent for Tasha’s taste. The dust was thick on his dresser. He remembered Bill telling him they had returned much of his stuff back to them a couple months after the incident. He realized that over on his computer desk there laid a notebook that bore his name on the front. Casey went and grabbed it and opened it realizing then, that this was the journal that had been so precious, sought after and copied by almost every publication in America. _"What the hell is so special about this thing?"_ Casey then asked himself. He opened it and saw Paul's handwriting, a few lines were legible and some were not. He then heard the garage door open and he grabbed the book stuffing it up the front of his sweatshirt and turning the light off before running up the stairs. He made it to the kitchen just in time to hang the keys back up on the hook where they had been. He then gasped as he realized he hadn't locked the door back up. He thought to himself then, _"Hell, I'll lock it later; they won't even try it anyway._ "

   He greeted Margaret as she entered the house. "Well I'm glad you found something to eat, we haven't been real regular with the grocery shopping around here." She explained to him. He listened intently to what she was saying and turned to go to his room to put the notebook beneath his bed. He smiled for at that moment he felt like a teenager hiding a smut magazine from his mother. He just wanted answers even if it meant stealing them.

   When they had gone to bed that night he returned to the room to lock it, but couldn't resist going through the rest of Paul's belongings and knowing they were asleep upstairs from the first floor made him feel confident he wouldn't get caught. He knew his father alone, had put Paul's belongings that were seized back where they had been taken from. Casey went through his underwear drawer and found three packs of cigarettes and two switchblades in a sack with the receipt still inside from a pawn shop. He opened up the drawer down from it and found five Hustler magazines which made Casey kind of chuckle. When he went to lay the magazines on the bed a picture of a blonde headed woman fell out onto the ground. He looked at her for a moment realizing she looked older than his brother had been. He flipped it over and in Paul's handwriting he made out the name "Michelle". _"Humph."_ Casey muttered to himself and kept on digging. For a moment he felt crazy at why he had such a need to do this. He wanted to try and get to know a brother he had really never known, from the looks of things a brother that had been much different from his self. The other drawers still contained his clothes and summer wear such as shorts and swimming trunks. He then went to his computer desk and started sorting through these drawers as well. He opened the bottom drawer first and found nothing but candy, and unopened chocolate bars and wrappers to some that had been opened. He then found a pad of paper which was for taking orders like waiters carried with the name _Hilltop Pizzeria_ across the top. He knew this is where he had worked. At the bottom of the drawer, he then found a letter which had the return address of a girl named Rory Ellison. He tossed it on the bed with the picture of Michelle. He looked through the drawer on the other side of the desk and he found a list with girls' names on it and they each had ratings beside them as if he had judged them. Then underneath each name were qualities that Paul had obviously found appealing about them such as nice ass, nice smile, nice tits, and nice teeth. Casey again laughed at this. He remembered for one second how easy girls had come to him. Lots of girls had had a crush on him in high school and he dated often. He snickered for a second recalling the fairly active sex life he had back then. Now he felt like he could care less about those kinds of things. He then found another stack of pictures of him and Nate from the time they were like twelve or thirteen till more recently before they had died. He realized a few of them had things written on the back like where they were and a few had something he didn't understand like one was of Nate by himself and on the back Paul had written, _"My brother fate.”_ Casey shook his head. Had his brother been gay? _"Hell no, he was just fucked in the head."_ Casey told himself. He then found another of Nate in some kind of class in school which looked as if it had been taken for a yearbook and Paul had written on the back of it, _"Nate always looked best to me in his trench."_ Casey placed them alongside the pictures that were already on the bed. He looked around the room and put things back into drawers that he didn't feel like he needed and left the room. He hadn't yet checked the closet or under the bed. He knew he had time on his hands to accomplish this at a later date.

   He locked the room this time and made it to his own with the loot. He didn't get to sleep that night until five or so in the morning for he stayed up reading the journal which Paul had started when he was sixteen. It was a five subject notebook and all but two pages had been filled. He couldn't put it down even though his eyes had closed several times; he fought sleeping to read more. He'd put it down every now and then finally realizing at least who Michelle was and would pause to look at her picture. Casey smiled then, _"Well, at least you didn't die a virgin."_ He whispered to himself.

 


	16. Nate's Written Journey

     Earlier that evening Amanda had pulled into the driveway of the Durham residence and took a very deep breath and got out of the car. She walked up to the front door and rang the doorbell. She could hear the television was on inside and waited for Janice to answer. Janice came to the door and Amanda could instantly tell she had been crying. "Oh sweetie, come in." She welcomed her warmly. Janice had already been in the room before she had arrived. Amanda realized all of his posters had been removed from the walls and were rolled and sealed with rubber bands on the bed. All of his drawers in his dresser had been emptied. "How long have you been home, Janice?" Amanda asked her seriously then. "Since lunch." Janice said with a sigh. Amanda felt sorry for her then. "There wasn't much except for clothes and pictures; there was a school picture of you and yearbooks I thought you might want." She handed them to her and Amanda recognized her senior picture that had been taken just months earlier. There were yearbooks from their freshman year until their junior year. Amanda laid them aside. Janice started crying then. "I found this in his desk drawer; I don't think the police even knew about it." She said smiling through her tears then. Amanda grabbed the book which was leather bound and realized it was a journal. She couldn't hold it in any longer. Amanda started sobbing and put her hand over her mouth. She looked around the room at his clothes all in plastic trash bags as if he hadn't even been a person. "I'm sorry, the more I thought about it the more I couldn't wait to get started and get it over with." Janice explained to her. Amanda understood. "I can't stay, Janice, I can't do this, I thought I could, I just can't." Amanda said between sobs. Janice walked over to her and grabbed her in her arms and held her tight to her. "I want you to have a few more of these things. I know you loved him Amanda and I know he regrets leaving you; you made him happy I could see it in his face when you were standing next to him. He loved you, we will never know, none of us will. But I know one thing; you were the only girl who understood him, who loved him, who wanted to be with him. His face always lit up when he knew it was you calling, and he was so excited about taking you to prom, he hated wearing suits but he wanted to find a tux that he thought you would like. It took us three flower shops to find a corsage that he felt was suitable for you to wear. Believe me Amanda, you were the one thing that I feel kept him here as long as anything could." Amanda smiled then as she buried her face into Janice’s hair. "I just miss him so fucking much and I'm afraid I'm never gonna feel that way ever again." She sobbed. "You will sweetheart, you're young and beautiful and you have an amazing heart. You're patient and you have a lot to give to someone, you will make someone else extremely happy someday, I know it." The two had actually talked quite often and had gotten to know one another well. Janice figured her as a living extension of Nate and she wanted to get to know her better and she had. "Get on with your life, don't ever look back. Get out in the world and find what makes you happy, don't depend on someone else to make you happy." Janice finished. Amanda realized these were the truest words she had ever heard anyone speak to her.

    She walked out of Nate's house that night and realized it was the last time she would ever be there. She stared for a moment at the FOR SALE sign in the front yard. The setting sun glared off of the front windows and for a second she could've sworn she could make out a face in his bedroom window looking at her. She shrugged it off and started the car and drove home.   She drove back towards her house and realized Barry was home. She got out of the car and slowly headed up the yard to the front door. "Where's mom?" Amanda asked Barry after she was inside. "Playing cards with the Tullys. I got an awful headache at work so I told her to go ahead and go without me." "Where you been?" Barry asked her. "Actually Janice called me and asked me to come over for a bit, they are selling the house and she's going through and getting rid of the rest of Nate's things." She said with a sigh. "Oh." Was all that Barry said to her. "I went and applied for that job today, in case you're curious." She told him matter of fact. "Good, I think having a job will help get you back on track so to speak." He answered her. "Yeah, it will feel good to make some money again. I miss shopping." She said smiling. Barry could tell she had been crying. He laughed when she mentioned shopping. "Yeah, that always was your favorite sport." He said smiling at her. Barry had been unbelievably good to her the last couple of months and she was grateful to him for that.

   She grabbed the books Janice had given her realizing in their exchange, she had accidentally grabbed the journal in with the yearbooks.  She walked on down towards her bedroom. She put on her big t-shirt for bed and stacked the pillows to prop her up when she laid down. She opened up their freshman yearbook and began looking at it. She had never purchased one feeling as if they were lame, or they were for the jocks and preps.   She came to the academic pages which mentioned and showed pictures of the smart kids and their awards and on the honor roll page she saw Paul's picture. He was smiling widely holding up his plaque. Amanda snickered at the picture. He looked so young, so innocent. He was dressed in a dress shirt and a tie with slacks and loafers and had on the glasses she hadn't seen him wear for years. She took herself back to ninth grade for a moment and remembered the time she was in the cafeteria and she was seated with a guy named Mickey. She remembered Mickey tripping Paul as he walked by, spilling his drink and the food on his tray all over the ground. The whole cafeteria had laughed. Paul just picked up what he could and exited the cafeteria with his face red and went outside without eating. Mickey had laughed so hard he could barely breathe. Amanda remembered going along with the laughter but then feeling terrible about it and feeling sorry for Paul. She had always wanted to tell him she was sorry but she couldn't do it for she couldn't embarrass herself in front of her friends. She also remembered watching Nate grab his tray from his table and throwing the whole thing away and joining him outside. She turned the pages of the yearbook until she came to the student pages and looked at Nate's picture. A tear began to roll down her cheek then as she looked at him. He had the most innocent smile on his face. He still had dimples for his face hadn't yet transformed into that of a man's. " _You were adorable_." Amanda said to herself. He reminded her of Beau just then. She flipped backwards then and looked at her own picture and Nate had written something below it. In his handwriting he had written the term, _"Hottie_ ". This made Amanda smile. She laid the book on her chest and closed it. She looked over towards the diary and laid it on her stomach and opened it, then positioned it where she could read it.

_September 23, 1996 Wednesday_

_Hey I am going to start keeping one of these for my creative writing teacher said it's a good idea, that all famous writers kept one. School sucked, lunch sucked, dad was pissed at me for I left my skateboard in the driveway and he nearly ran over it, and he yelled at me for like fifteen minutes. I swear sometimes I feel like he doesn't want to be here. I can't wait until I turn sixteen so I can get a flippin job and not have to be home when he is. I feel sometimes he doesn't want me around, mom says it's my imagination, but I can't help feeling this way. I will be sixteen in less than two months, can't wait!!! Paul is already sixteen but they won't even let him get his license yet because of his mental thing. I swear it's all in their imagination, the guy doesn't have a problem, and they just want to dope him up. I really feel sorry for him sometimes. Tenth grade already sucks. Me and Paul don't have lunch together so I have to eat with Chris Wilson. He's ok, he's in my psychology class, and he makes me laugh. The other day I told him all about Tanya, the girl I had sex with over the summer. She was really ugly but no one will ever know that. Chris has the hots for Amanda Beckwith. I have had it for her bad since I saw her the first day of school this year. I looked her up in last year's yearbook. I don't remember seeing her last year, but this year I have some regular classes not just accelerated ones. It's nice to be with kids who aren't all a bunch of nerds for a change. I think Chris wants to ask her out. I know she wouldn't go with me, I'm too fucking tall and skinny. Probably no girl would. Paul has this new thing with girls, he has them on a rating system and is determined to get laid before he is seventeen. I wish him luck, but I can't think of one girl that would do it with him. He annoys the hell out of most of them. I just keep to myself. I thought about writing Amanda a note but I don't know what I would say to her. She knows who I am, but I can tell she doesn't care. I can tell she likes Chris, he can be kind of an ass though, he says things about her tits and stuff and it makes me mad, but I don't say anything to him about it, I just keep my mouth closed. Well, mom is telling me to turn out my light so I guess I will retire. Goodnight cruel world. This is Nate saying goodnight._

     Amanda closed the book and held it to her face and cried silently not completely believing what she had just read. She had always thought he was cute and sweet and she would've gone out with him then if he would've asked her regardless of what her friends would have thought. She felt the regret then, and this is what she wished she could stop feeling the most were the regrets. She couldn't believe how his parents had overlooked his obvious depression after reading what she had just read. She turned her light out and for the first time in a while cried herself to sleep.

 

    Amanda awoke the next day with her eyes burning and her head pounding. She made her way to the kitchen and made an icepack out of a few cubes and a sandwich bag. She went and lay back down on her bed and started thinking of other places to look for employment. She was trying to get her mind onto anything except the journal. She just couldn't stand it anymore she went and grabbed it off the floor beside the bed and placed the pack back on her head then. She wanted to know if maybe there was a side to Nate Durham that she really hadn't known. She had read all of the excerpts from Paul's and felt a chill at how evil his thoughts had become. She couldn't picture Nate having these same feelings. She opened from the second page where she had begun the night before.

_September 28, 1996 Monday_

_Today was not only Monday but it was a really shitty day. I have strep throat and dad was off work for some reason, mom came home early to take me to the doctor and they ended up fighting for the rest of the day. Beau stayed hidden playing in his room all day. I stayed here, in mine, also. I can't stand when he calls her names, and when they think we can't hear them yell at each other about how long it's been since they had sex. I don't want to hear that stuff. Then mom will say she knows about him, I know he has other women and it kills me because I feel that mom still loves him, but I don't think he loves her, I don't think he loves us, either. I don't know what to think sometimes. I feel like dogshit! I have been running fever off and on; I think I started getting sick on Friday. I felt like I was going to puke at lunch and Chris asked me what the hell was wrong, I just didn't feel like eating much and that so isn't me. Amanda came and sat down with us and her and Chris spent the whole time flirting, that in itself was enough to make me sick. She deserves someone much better. I can't stand it when she wears those little skirts with the tights it's like I have an instant boner and I feel like the whole world can see. The way she swipes her hair behind her ear and those earrings, I don't know what it is about those earrings! They are just simple hoops but they make me drool the way they dangle at her neck I just want to reach out and lick her there. I want to get close enough to smell her, but I don't dare, she would think I was weirder than she probably already does. She laughs at my stupid jokes I get off of the internet, Chris thinks most of them are pretty stupid, yeah, they are, but they make her laugh, and that's the point. When she wears those damn skirts I have to come home immediately and relieve the tension, if you know what I mean. I have never been attracted to a girl like this! I have seen girls I thought were pretty or whatever, but not like this. Me and Paul discuss girls quite a bit, but I have not told him that I have this crush on AB. He thinks she's a bitch. He told me this just last week when we were talking about people we eat lunch with. He has started eating lunch with a friend of Chris's named Bruce. He's an ok guy, kind of quiet, but he's ok. Me and Paul have never really been friends with any other guys besides ourselves, to be honest, sometimes it's nice to be away from Paul. He has really bad and twisted ideas about things sometimes. I wonder sometimes if he's right, in fact some of the time, I know he is, it's just depressing. Well, I have to go and eat dinner, or try to that is, I think mom is making me potato soup. Nate_

_October 3, 1996 Saturday_

_I finally really feel better! I was out of school until Friday and I had to force myself to go. Paul was whining about it and I couldn't stand it. I swear sometimes I don't think he can do anything without me! No wonder the fucking school thinks we're gay; I might as well be married to him. I told him there was no way I was going to do anything with him this weekend, I just want to sleep. He got on one of his soap boxes! Either he's gonna end up killing someone or being a politician, it's too soon to tell. I'm glad I went back to school in some sense; I'm pretty unproductive when I'm home sick. I either just lie on the couch and watch talk shows or stupid old reruns or end up playing with myself out of boredom. I'm becoming a great thief. I have stolen four Playboy magazines from the Get n Scram and have not gotten caught. Paul doesn't like them, he likes to see women tied up and being tortured in some way, he can be really weird in his ideals about women. He likes skanky women, like bar fly type of women, I don't get it. Amanda is sweet and always laughing I can't imagine her any other way. I don't think the girl ever has a bad day she always has that magnificent smile on her face. I want to grab myself by the balls and just call her, but I would probably just sit there and listen to her breathe. I would have no clue as to what to talk to her about. There's this chick named Skyla in my English Lit class who is always smiling at me. When we have to choose partners she always chooses me. I don't know why she does this. She is always smiling at me and always talks really low so she has to be close to me when we pair up. She makes me nervous. She isn't very attractive, but she's nice. I thought about asking her out just to see what she would say, no I don't know if I want to do that. I don't have a car and I'm not going to have my mom drive me and some girl, no matter whom, anywhere! I'll feel someone staring at me and I'll turn around and Skyla will be staring right at me, makes me nervous as hell. She says hi to me in the halls between classes if she sees me. Paul laughs at this. He says things about her like he calls her fat ass and stuff. She is a little chunky but she's kind of cute. I hate this damn girl thing, it makes your mind a mess, it's a complete waste of good time, I just can't help it, no matter how hard I try to concentrate on other things I can't. I hate it! Me and Paul rented this movie about these gangsters, he had seen it before, I had not. I fell in love with their trench coats. I was downtown with mom about a week after this and I saw one in the Salvation Army window. I went in and they only wanted twenty bucks for the thing. I convinced mom, even though she thought it was silly. I wore it to school and to make a long story short, it makes me feel bigger somehow, darker, weirder, and I love it! Oh yeah, Paul had to get one also. I swear sometimes I wonder if we are in tenth grade or third. Nate_

Amanda had her answer in less than four pages. He had loved her. He had desperately, completely, ultimately loved her. She closed the book and promised herself she wasn't going to read anymore, not for a long time anyway.

   She got up and took something for the headache that wasn't going away and decided to get dressed. She straightened up the living room and cleaned the main bathroom and even picked up all of Nikki's toys and shoes and put them back in her room where they belonged. She busied herself to forget about the diary. She placed it in the attic along with her baby toys in a box. She also placed in this box, Nate's t-shirt and hat, and their prom picture. She wondered for a moment if any other man would ever feel so intensely about her. Nate had so many thoughts about her and she hadn't even realized it until almost a year later. _"Nope, no regrets."_ She said to herself as she closed the box. She really didn't want to leave his things up there, but she knew she had to. She had to put him back on a shelf where she had found him.   It was as if he was a toy she needed to outgrow. She knew she would always love him, and this is why she didn't care to read the rest of the diary, for if it had any thoughts that were immoral, sickening or psychotic she didn't want to read them. She wanted to remember him forever as her prince that had danced with her that night, and had held her for hours in his arms on that dock and smelled her hair and kissed her forehead. She refused to see him as a vicious monster who committed those horrible acts. That wasn't her Nate that did those things. That Nate had belonged to something else entirely.

 

    Casey woke up early that following Monday anxious to go to work in his new office. When he arrived he wasn't so excited. They had him in charge of shipping which he hated. He just growled a bit and swallowed it up with pride. He had had a more important job back in California, but at least his salary remained the same. Everyone seemed fairly nice, though he had a few stares and a couple of whispers, it was nothing like he had expected. He soon realized the paper work was overwhelming. He was also in charge of filing which he quickly realized he didn't have time for, in fact it was a full time job itself. By the end of the day his boss, Don, had come around to ask him how things were going and he gave him his grievance. Don was considerate of his complaint, and told him he could hire someone to do the bookkeeping if he so chose to. "I can't pay them much, but hell that's probably why shit is always so backed up and I can't keep anybody back here. Business is booming, I have orders coming out my ears, and I don't have time to worry about a lot of it. The guy that had your position retired leaving me to put someone back here just to fill in from time to time." Don explained. He was a little relieved that in one day Casey had put his finger on the ordering problems. "Go to personnel and they'll give you a list of recent applications and you can choose from those. They'll be your responsibility." Don said to him as he walked out of his office. Casey was used to being the hire/fire guy at his branch in California. It was not a job that anyone wanted, but at least now he only had to hire one person.

    He got up and cracked the blinds in his office that looked out across the parking lot. He had not been in this office in Cincinnati in a long time. In fact his manager Don had been hired since he had been gone. He was glad to be back though no matter what the job had entailed. He had finally finished reading the journal the night before and was shocked at his parents for overlooking Paul's many apparent problems. He remembered how strict they had been with him, and he knew they had been more lax with Paul and something about this infuriated him. Just then Don reappeared at his office door. "Oh, I don't want to seem too forward, but I just wanted to tell you how sorry I am, how sorry we all are that what happened, happened." Don said seriously then. "Well to tell you the truth I was quite a bit older than Paul and we weren't that close. I haven't figured out yet if that's a good thing or a bad thing." Paul answered him with his head down. "Well, the whole town is grieving. We lost some really great kids." Don commented. "Yes, I know, my parents are paying dearly, they have only just begun to start to live again, that's part of the reason I came back here." Casey explained. "Well, I'm not gonna take sides here, all my kids are grown, I just couldn't imagine what it would be like to be a parent who senselessly lost a child or had the child that did it." Don concluded. "I don't think it's easy for either one." Casey said ending the conversation. It was the first time anyone had confronted him about it. He felt he had handled himself pretty well. He gathered some papers he needed to look over and approve, and he took a trip down to the main floor to personnel and picked up a stack of applications. "We have already hired for the receptionist position, but these would probably be more qualified for a bookkeeping job." Lynn in personnel assured him. There must have been ten applications of people that were considered, but not chosen due to lack of skill for the receptionist position. Casey tucked them up under his arm and walked out the doors.

 

   When he got home Margaret was on the couch sobbing and Bill was next to her with his arm around her. Casey didn't say a word to them and went and laid his things on the table. Bill looked over at him. "We've had a bad day, don't mind her, son." He explained to him. Casey didn't quite know what to say to comfort her. From reading the journal he had wondered if maybe she had sheltered Paul too much to the point he had lost all aspects of communication with other people. It was almost as if he had been unable to show another human compassion unless he felt they were worthy of it. Casey didn't want to blame his own parents for Paul being the way he was, but a part of him couldn't keep from it. He walked passed them before stopping on the way to his room with a glass of Vodka in one hand and the papers under the other.   "Is there anything I can do?" He asked directing the question towards Bill. Margaret looked up then. "I'm glad you're home, but this is a bad time, you may not want to stay long." She said to him. "Mom, I know the magnitude of what has happened, and it's not enough to make me want to stay away. I know no matter what he did, you two loved him, I loved him, it's gonna be hard for a long time, if there is anything I can do please tell me, ok?" Casey said assuring her. Margaret just shook her head and Bill motioned for him to go onto his room.

   He sat the papers on his bed and went over to the desk and turned his computer on to start up where he had left off finishing some work that he hadn't while he had been there.   He finished up and turned it off and went over to his bed, turned the television on his dresser on and began sifting through the applications. He figured he might as well call a few of them in at different times for interviews if he could in the morning, for he couldn't get much farther behind than he already was.   The first one he came to was that of a college student who was looking for her own hours, so he just made a slight laugh and tossed it to the floor. He came to one and the girl was really overqualified so he tried the number only to find that it had been disconnected. _"Well, someone should apply at the phone company."_ He said to himself. He came to the fifth one and he was already tired of looking. This girl hadn't even finished high school and under her reasons it read, _“due to a personal and profound situation, will elaborate if need be."_ This was the most unique response he had seen. The rest of her application was excellent. She was a bright girl he could tell by her interests and it read that she wasn't afraid of overtime. He reached over and grabbed the phone for this one had truly peaked his curiosity. An older woman answered the phone. "Is Amanda Beckwith there please?" Ruth told him to wait a moment and she would get her.   "What does this regard?" Ruth asked screening the call as she had so many times as of lately. "I wish to speak to her about an application she put in at my firm, Foster and Grant Construction Incorporated." He stated. "Oh hang on a minute, I'll get her." With that Ruth realized she must have put their home number instead of her private line on the application. Ruth took the cordless to her in her room where she was busy doing her nails. She grabbed the phone. "Hello?, this is Amanda." "Amanda, hi, I'm Casey Langley from Foster and Grant where you put your application in, this isn't about the receptionist job, but I do need a bookkeeper of sorts and I was wondering if you could come in for an interview tomorrow around two o'clock?" Casey asked her. "Um, sure, yeah, two is great." She answered excitedly. "Your name again?" She asked him. "Casey Langley." He said to her slower then. "Yes I will definitely be there." She answered smiling. "Well, I'll see you tomorrow then, you have a good evening." He said to her before he hung up. "You too; thank you." She finished.

   Ruth was still standing in the doorway of her room. "Well?" She asked Amanda. "Well, I have an interview!" Amanda screeched. Amanda jumped up off the bed and began putting her tennis shoes on. She reached over to her doorknob and grabbed her jacket and felt it was as good a time as any to take a walk, for tomorrow they were expecting rain. Amanda realized that it hadn't rained as much this year as it had in the past.

     She walked around the block before she started to talk to Nate. "I'm so excited I wish you could be here, we'd go to Hilltop and have a pizza and celebrate or something." Well you'd probably be away at school though. I keep forgetting that. I hope you're not mad at me, I put your things away today. I know you understand I'm tired of hurting Nate. I'll always miss you, I'm just tired of feeling dead too. There's a whole world out there, and I'm ready to get out in it. I know you'd want me to be happy, so I'm gonna have to let you go a little at a time. It doesn't mean I love you any less, or that I don't think about you constantly. I hope you understand." She walked a few more steps and she could feel the breeze pick up. A car drove past her and she walked on looking at the ground. _"I do."_ She stopped dead in her tracks. She was frozen to the ground. It was if her feet couldn't move. She couldn't speak. She knew she had heard Nate's voice. Had she imagined it? Was she losing her mind because of talking to herself? Had she wished herself to hear it? The hairs on the back of her neck felt as if they were standing on end. Goosebumps covered her body. Something in her told her to move for she felt she had been surrounded then by something she could only feel and not see.

   She ran as fast as she could back to her house. She got in and slammed the door. Nikki was the only one in the living room. "What are you doing?" She asked Amanda, who was visibly shaken and out of breath. Amanda regained as much composure as she could and walked to her room. She sat down in front of her door and finished catching her breath. _"Fuck, what the hell?"_  She asked herself with her head buried in her hands. She stripped off her clothes and put on her t-shirt and went ahead and got ready for bed. The cleaning and the run had exhausted her and it didn't take long for her to get to sleep.

    Casey watched the clock after he got back from a late lunch. He was hoping the girl would show up early. He was already tired from trying to catch up from the previous day's orders. At one forty two exactly Amanda walked into his office. He had his back turned towards her and had his face buried in a file cabinet. She slightly knocked on the door frame. "Mr. Langley." She said softly. Casey turned around to face her and she couldn't believe what she was seeing, in fact she was speechless. "You must be miss Beckwith, please sit down right there." He motioned for her to sit down. She had to know, she couldn't stand to just sit there and stare at him dumbfounded. "Um, first, I have an awkward question." She said softly. "Sometimes those are the best ones." He laughed then. "Are you Paul Langley's brother?" He was unsure how to answer her for a second. "Is that going to bother you; because if it is, just tell me, I know you were about his age?" Casey questioned her sincerely. "No, it doesn't, we were friends." Casey was amazed for a moment that his brother had actually been friends with a girl this attractive but didn't have any pictures of her in his drawers. "Well, let's stick to the interview, shall we?" He continued. "We'll have time to talk later." He assured her. Amanda wondered how he could be so cool about it. She knew that he and Paul weren't close. Casey concluded the interview but not before asking her about what she had written by her education status expecting the worse. She took a deep breath and looked up at the ceiling to keep from crying. It was a little difficult for her to face him directly he bore such a resemblance to Paul, yet his mannerisms were a world away from what Paul’s had been. "Well, to be honest, I was Nate Durham's girlfriend. Paul was his best friend." Casey leaned forward then resting his chin on one fist. "If it's going to bother you working for me, then maybe we should just call it a day." He said looking at her straightforward. He knew then this girl had been through hell. He desperately wanted to give her this chance then if she wanted to take it. "No, I want this, I need this, believe me." She kind of giggled then. Casey couldn't believe how sweet this girl was. She was so young, he then for a second, remembered being eighteen and if he still were, he would have been drooling all over her. "I'm glad." He answered. "Be here at seven thirty tomorrow, I'll spend the day training you, you have an hour for lunch between twelve and one and you get off around fivish, it just depends, some days are rougher around here than others." He finished. "We'll also go over your pay and benefits and if you disagree on anything we can discuss it then, ok? You’ll need to dress casual but not too casual and you can wear jeans and t-shirts on Fridays. He added. "It sounds great." She answered. She reached out to shake his hand. He stood before her and took her hand. He was even the same height as Paul; she was amazed at the likeness. He carried himself differently though, he was handsome and wasn't a bit awkward as Paul had been. She couldn't wait to tell Rory.

     Amanda drove as fast as she could back towards Westvale. She sped around the corner and parked in front of the house. She opened the front door and the house was quiet. She raced to the kitchen. She first dialed her mother's work number. Her mother answered. Amanda didn't give her a minute after hello. "Mom, I got the job! I don't think it pays very much but I don't care, I'm so fucking excited, I had to call you. I'm sorry about my language, I'm sorry mom. I can't believe it. The guy was really nice he..." Amanda stopped. "He what?" Ruth asked her then. She thought for a quick second. "He said to be there at seven thirty, shit, what am I gonna wear? I need to buy something nice." She explained to Ruth. "Hey my spare credit card is in my top drawer you can use that." Ruth offered. "No, I'll use the money from my savings, mom, don't worry about it. Bye mom." She hurriedly pushed the button to hang up the phone and ran to her room. She still had the phone in one hand as she sifted through the clothes in her closet. "Yuck, yuck, yuck, and more yuck!" She said to herself. She flopped down on her bed and dialed Rory's phone number.   She only got the answering machine. "Hey Rory, you are not gonna believe this shit, I got a job, and I'm working for Paul's older brother, no shit, I’m not fucking with you, call me!" And she hung the phone up again once more. She opened up the small wooden box on her vanity and took out the money she had taken from her savings. There was exactly four thousand and twenty dollars left after she had spent some here and there and made her car payment for that month. She counted out a thousand and stuffed it down the pocket of her Dockers. She looked at herself in the mirror and fluffed her hair and spruced up her lip gloss. She ran back into the kitchen and hung up the phone and grabbed her keys from the table and took off for the mall.

    She got to the mall and couldn't believe how empty it was before five o'clock. It was a Tuesday as well. She tried to remember the boutique where Rory had worked before she got the waitressing job was located for she remembered them having cute skirts. She made her way down the mall stopping to get a soda and window shopped until she found the boutique and went in. She put together two really cute outfits with skirts and blouses and a jacket that matched both of them. She looked at herself in the mirror, also holding up a pair of dainty earrings she thought would look cute with the ensemble and realized for the first time in a while she liked what she saw looking back at her. She was happy and it showed. She almost felt guilty then. She wished Nate could have been this happy. She felt as though she was beginning to leave him behind and this made her feel the most guilt. She didn't want to leave him behind, she wanted him to show up sometimes and catch up with her, but when she turned around he was never there. She walked on through the mall carrying her bags beside her. Her purse was digging into her shoulder. She spotted her favorite shoe store and went in and laid her bags down on the row of chairs. A guy not much older than herself came over to her and smiled at her widely and asked her if she needed help. "No thanks, I'm just looking." She informed him. He looked her up and down and kept smiling and for a second she couldn't believe the audacity of him. It made her smile though. She ended up purchasing a pair of boots and a pair of leather pumps. She could wear them both with skirts.

    She returned home and showed Ruth what she had gotten. Ruth offered to order Chinese, Amanda's favorite, for dinner to celebrate. Nikki made a face like she was sick, for she detested Chinese food. They just laughed at her. Ruth and Barry were both proud of her. She went to her phone to call Rory before she left for work. "You said Paul's brother, no shit?" Rory asked her. "No shit, I about died!" Amanda stated. "What does he look like?" Rory asked. "He looks like Paul, he really does, no lie. He's really good looking though." Amanda explained. "You didn't think Paul was good looking." Rory commented. "Yeah, he carries himself completely different; it's like two people in the same body or something." Amanda answered. "That's fucked up." Rory giggled. "I have to see him." Rory insisted. "You can't just come up there, maybe later, but not now." Amanda explained to her. "He acts like he doesn't have any feelings about it." Amanda stated. “Well he has to be professional he’s at work, Amanda. He had a wife who was pregnant; Paul told me." Rory told her. "Well I don't remember seeing a wedding band; of course I wasn't looking either." Amanda explained. "Yeah, I wonder what he's doing back here; he lived out in California but worked out there for the same firm." Rory said. "I don't know I'm sure I'll find out, but I'm not going to pry, he's a really nice guy and he didn't have to hire me given I have no experience, I think he did it because he felt sorry for me." Amanda said honestly. "Hey misery loves company." Rory laughed. "Shut up!" Amanda screamed at her.

    Rush hour traffic had been treacherous and Casey got home later than usual. He drug in a box of papers from work with him as he entered. Margaret was in the kitchen finishing up dinner and Bill was in front of the television. Casey had thought about Amanda the whole way home. He was determined to go through Paul's room again and find something, anything, which said something about her. He was intrigued to have met someone that had been even remotely close to his brother. He wanted to ask her a million questions, he was afraid of prying for he was sure this girl had been through a lot of hurt in the last few months. He waited that night until his parents were in bed and found the key and began again his scavenger hunt of sorts through Paul's room. He retrieved the female rating system that Paul had in his desk drawer. He looked at the names again. There it was the seventh one down. _Amanda Beckwith she's a nine respectively. Nice tits, great ass, kind of a snob._ For once Casey had found something he had completely agreed with Paul on. He shook his head; he couldn't believe he was thinking this way about an eighteen year old kid. He wondered though what he meant by _"snob_ ". He looked on down the list and there was Rory's name. Casey figured it must be the same Rory that had sent him the letter. He had rated her number ten and gave rave reviews to each part of her anatomy and then put the word _"scored, great in the sack"_ outside of her ratings. Casey was interested to read the letter now. He left Paul's room and hung the keys back in the kitchen and returned to his room. He laughed as he could hear Bill snoring from their upstairs bedroom. His memory shot him back to another time.

     "Hey are they asleep yet?" Casey asked Paul. It was Christmas Eve and Casey was seventeen and Paul was eight. "Yeah, I looked in, they are both in bed." Paul answered smiling. Paul was just happy his brother had wanted him to help in one of his tricks on their dad. Just then they could hear Bill snoring and Paul had covered his mouth so they couldn't hear him giggle. "Shhh." Casey motioned to him. Paul stood there in his Bat Man pajamas scared to move for he didn't want his parents to hear them. Casey went over to the tree and carefully hid all of the gifts in the hallway closet. Paul had told them he didn't believe in Santa and hadn't for a while so they had stopped the tradition with him much to Margaret's regret so the two felt safe their parents weren't getting out of bed again that night. After all the gifts were hidden they ran into Casey's room and jumped in his bed and laughed about what a shock they were going to be in for in the morning. Paul laid there until he fell asleep next to Casey. Casey remembered the way Paul's breath had felt on his face as he put his arm around him. The next year at Christmas he would already be moved out of the house and out of Paul's life.

   With this memory, it happened. Casey sat there in the dark as he leaned against his bed and cried. He tried to muffle the sobs so to not wake Margaret and Bill. He cried for not being there, for not being able to help him, for getting so detached, from a little brother he loved yet never knew and it was his own fault. His heart felt heavy and he crumpled up the list in a tight fist and grabbed a pillow and cried hard into it, wanting to scream. He let it all out. All of stories he had heard about Paul, the guns, the bombs, the murder, the rage, the medications, the trench coats, the torture he had endured and then inflicted on others in his last day on Earth. For a moment it was all finally real to him. He felt an incredible sadness for his parents at that moment. He felt lonely and lost. He had a burden on him now that he couldn't explain. The court system had been begging the Langley's to make a formal public statement. Casey, at this moment, felt compelled to do so.

    Amanda awoke that Wednesday and was anxious to get to work. She wanted her makeup, hair and clothes to be perfect. She was nervous on the drive to Cincinnati, but also thought it was neat to be driving to work with all the other rush hour traffic on their way to the city. Barry had warned her of this and made sure she left early. Amanda turned the radio up loudly and was singing along to help calm her nerves. She had stopped at her favorite coffee shop in Westvale to pick up an espresso. In between off key lyrics she would take a sip of it. She hadn't even realized that she had not thought of Nate the whole way there. She had not acted this way since before the incident. Amanda felt like a teenager and an adult all at the same time. It was the most unique feeling she could remember.

   Casey got to his office early and got everything ready to show Amanda. He figured he would take her around and introduce her to everyone first. He had figured maybe some of them already recognized her, but he wasn't sure. Casey had been careful not to watch any news stories on television about the event, no more than he had to anyway, and he didn't remember seeing any Paul's acquaintances except of course Nate. He straightened up his office and put on a new pot of coffee for him and the other employees on his floor. Amanda was to have the small desk which was right outside the door to his office. He was also relieved she would be answering his phone. He never had been very good at conversing with people that weren't directly involved with the project at hand. He knew Amanda was going to need some time, being her only experience at a job had been the bowling alley. Casey laughed for he remembered when he was in high school that only the nerds went to the bowling alley. He knew this had been Paul's hangout.

    He had just finished wiping off her desk when he saw her round the hall from the elevator. She saw him and waved. He stood there as she walked towards him. She had a skirt which met her lower thighs and a blouse with puffed short sleeves and boots that came just below her knees with slight heels. Her hair was perfect and her makeup was soft. "Good morning." She greeted Casey. "Good morning, Amanda." Casey answered her. "I want to say thank you again for giving me this chance, really." She said to him sincerely. Casey looked her in the eyes and couldn't believe how amazing she smelled. She had the most perfectly shaped lips he had ever seen. She stood there smiling waiting for his response. "I'm glad you feel that way, you may not once you get your paycheck." He joked with her. "It's not really for the money, but I'm sure you figured that out." She answered him. "I haven't felt this positive about anything in five months and that's the truth." She said sincerely. "I'm sure you've been through the ringer, so to speak." He said empathizing with her. "Yeah, I'm pretty rung out." She said no longer smiling. "Well, I need to introduce you to everyone else on the floor, and then I need to show you some basics, like the copy machine, fax and all the other needless technology we might have around here." He said smiling. She slightly giggled. "I can also show you where the canteen is, vending machines, soda, coffee, break room. Then I'll show you my ever unique filing system which will work better than the one they have been using, I had a good system in California, and I'm going to instill it here, that's where I need the most help from you. I read on your application that you can type fairly fast and you were great in math, so it shouldn't be that difficult for you." He explained. "I probably need the typing practice, it's been awhile." She said rolling her eyes. "Ah, don't worry you'll get plenty of practice." He said matter of fact. "Amanda I know there are a million things we're not saying to each other that we want to say and ask, so I thought we could have lunch today, for I really would like to talk to you, not just to get to know you, but I think you know why." He said without missing a beat and easing the apparent awkwardness between them. She swallowed before answering. "Yes, I suppose we have a lot to talk about and it wouldn't be appropriate here." She answered. "Yeah, good you understand." He said straightforward.

     He went around and introduced her to everyone and she got a few knowing looks but no one had said anything to her. She wondered if some of them would talk about why he had hired her, knowing he had been Paul's brother, but obviously Casey wasn't worried about it, so she didn't either. Overall they all seemed pleasant. She could already tell her and the fax machine weren't going to get along very well. The copier she could handle. Casey spent the rest of the day explaining how he had operated things in his California office. Amanda had understood him for the most part, but figured there were a few things she would eventually catch on to and wasn't real worried about it. Casey had assured her that he would always help her when she needed it. By midmorning she was already starving and they didn't have lunch for another hour. She went down to the canteen and walked over to the vending machines. She spotted the Twinkies and had a flashback. She stood there frozen remembering when her and Nate had had the falling out and hadn't spoken and he finally had come up to talk to her at the vending machines in the cafeteria. She had heard they had to completely rebuild the cafeteria for the propane bomb had done irreparable damage. She suddenly felt that old ache in the pit of her stomach and suddenly lost her appetite. On the way back up in the elevator she fought the tears back immensely. When she came back up empty handed Casey was curious but didn't ask her why.  

      Amanda finished up another file that he had given her and made copies of the invoices and looked at the clock and realized it was lunchtime. She grabbed her purse and got up. She peeked in on Casey in his office and he motioned for her to come in. "Sorry I just have to sign a couple more of these things then we can go grab a bite to eat, ok?" He said to her. "Sure, whatever." She said as she walked out of his office and waited for him on the bench next to the elevator. In a few more minutes he met her and they rode the elevator down to the first floor and walked towards the parking lot. She followed him to his car. "It's kind of messy, I had the long trip here and to be honest, I'm kind of a slob." He explained to her. She got in and he shut her door.   "Nice car, I have always liked BMW's." She said looking off in the distance thinking of Nate's then. "Are you alright, Amanda, did I say something or do something?" He asked her as he started the car. She could tell Casey's car was almost a new model as she could still detect the new car smell in it. "Oh god no, sometimes I just kind of zone, I'm sorry." She explained to him.

    They drove to a local restaurant not far from the office. "This is a great cafe, they have the best chicken fried steak; I used to eat here all the time when I worked at this office before I got transferred to California." He told her. She wasn't sure of all that he wanted to talk about, but she figured once they were seated she would just ask him point blank. The waitress finished bringing them their drinks and she did just that. "Casey what do you want to know, I mean, I know you didn't really know Paul that well." Her forwardness kind of shocked him. "Well, yeah, I didn't, I regret that you know?" He answered sincerely. "How are your parents?" She asked him. "They are just rolling with the punches; mom was really bad I guess, I still think dad is in shock in some respects, I don't know. I owe them so much and my life got too complicated in California, and that's a whole other talk show." He finished. Amanda smiled at him. "Your brother was one of the most interesting people I ever met. I don't think he liked me much at first for I don't think he appreciated Nate spending time with me, for he didn't really have a girlfriend, not after I was in the picture anyway. It was funny I thought only girls did that stuff, yah know?" She laughed. "Who was Michelle? You'll have to excuse me, I don't like to ask mom and dad and I don't follow the news because of everything and I only know bits and pieces." He explained. "Well, she was Paul's girlfriend, I never met her, and he had it for her pretty bad; I think she was his "first"." She answered making quotations with her fingers. "I'm sorry, if that was too much information." She said taking a drink of her soda. "No, Amanda I want to know everything, really, everything. As much as you are comfortable telling me. Well, that's just what Nate told me, like I said I never met her, I know she was older and she lived and worked here in the city. Paul saw her sometime around New Year's and she was getting married to some old guy. I remember Paul telling me and Rory that, the night we were at Nate's for New Year's Eve." She continued. "Who is Rory, Rory Ellison?" He asked her very interested then. "She's my best friend in the whole world." She said seriously. "Why?" She asked him curiously. "Paul had written some things about her, and I found a letter from her." He explained. "She's a great person, smart, compassionate, I would've killed myself sometimes I think if she hadn't of been there. She had it for your brother something fierce, but I think she felt as if he was too hung up on Michelle to be serious with him, they fooled around, but that's all I know. Rory doesn't talk about it much, she was real upset for a while though; no one close to her had ever died. She's great though, she was going through hell too, but she knew I needed her yah know? You just don't meet people like that every day, so whatever Paul wrote about her it probably isn't true." She answered defending her friend. "No, it was all good, truly." He assured her. Amanda smiled. "I have some really hard days and I know I will for a while, so if I kind of zone sometimes like I mentioned earlier and I apologize." She said. "They not only killed themselves but they killed other kids that I had known and been friends with and now, like Chris and Bruce, they are in jail for something they had no idea about, so I lost two more friends. Sometimes I still get furious to think I loved someone so much that caused so many people heartache. I know Paul would be nineteen now, right?" She asked looking at him. "Yeah, back in August. I was so furious when mom and dad brought that screaming baby home from the hospital, for before we lived in the house we have now, I had to share a room with him. He was colicky and just a general pain in the ass." He remembered and they both laughed. "God that seems like a million years ago." He said trailing off. "I have read his journal; he was real messed up, Amanda." He said seriously. "He was always weird, no offense, but I would've never given it a second thought that he was capable of something like that. He got picked on terribly in school, they both did, but Paul did the worst, I always felt sorry for him. He was so cute and a smartass; funny, you couldn't help but like him, but in our high school you either fit in or you didn't. There were three general classes, you were either popular or perfect, or you just stuck to yourself and blended in or you got the shit beat out of you, Paul got beat up a lot, especially at first." Amanda recalled. "Yeah, I got that from what mom has told me and of course the journal." Casey said. "Which were you?" He asked her. "I was one of the popular ones, but I had a crush on one that got the shit beat out of him and after a while I didn't care what they thought, and I joined the weirdo crowd and I fell in love." She said looking at the table top. "Nate?" He asked. "Yep, Nate." She answered raising a glass to take a drink. She put both hands on her glass and looked right at Casey. "I really loved him. I know we were kids, but I never thought twice about waiting on him until he was done with school, I wanted to marry him, sincerely; I would have. I didn't care if he waited on me, for I loved him so much I wanted him to be happy and if that meant not being with me while he was in college then that's what that meant. I had always been a selfish person, but our love was something I could never be selfish about. I just wish it could've lasted longer." She said as her eyes teared a bit. "Let's order." Casey said to change the subject as the waitress approached them. His heart went out to this girl then completely. They ordered their food and sat there for a moment speechless. "I loved Paul; I just had a real shitty way of showing it. I was going to fly him out after his graduation; I wish I had done it sooner. I have a lot of regrets and guilt I am just now beginning to deal with." He explained. She held her glass up. "Cheers?" She asked him smiling. "Cheers." He said touching their glassed together.

     They went back to work and back to speaking of medial subjects as she corrected two more files for him before leaving for the day. She was actually tired. Ruth wanted to know all about her day. "Oh mom, please I love yah, but I am completely pooped." Amanda said to her wearily. "Well do you like it?" She asked Amanda. "Yeah, I really do." Amanda replied smiling. She made it back to her room and changed into her sweats. She collapsed on her bed. She couldn't help but wonder what Casey had thought of her. She then thought of Nate. In less than a month he would have been nineteen. Her own birthday wasn't until June. She had recalled her and Casey talking about Paul's. She knew each year would pass like this. She then thought about how long it had been since she had been to the cemetery. She thought that maybe she would go Saturday. Just then Nikki opened her door. "Mom wants to know if Spaghetti sounds good for dinner." She asked. "Yeah, that sounds good." Amanda answered as she went to her vanity and began taking her make up off and brushing her hair. Amanda glanced at where she had had their prom picture hanging. She kind of missed it being there, but she knew better than look at it right now, she had been doing ok and she only wanted to get better.

   She sat there for a moment trying to clear her mind when the phone rang. She reached to answer it. "Hello?" She answered. "Well, how was it? How was he?" Rory asked excitedly. "He wanted to know about you!" Amanda laughed. "Obviously they have Paul's full journal, well of course they do, and he has read every word, he said he had only nice things to say about you." Amanda assured her. "That's cool." Rory answered. "He's a great guy, but he is way different than Paul." Amanda explained to her. "Paul said once that he was an asshole." Rory stated. "No, he's very nice, handsome, smart, confident; very nice." Amanda told her. "Well, you got to know him then?" Rory questioned. "He took me out to lunch and we got some of the awkwardness of the situation out, we had a very nice long talk. He feels like shit for he and Paul not being close." Amanda explained to her. "Well, Paul did kind of survive in his own world." Rory stated. "They both did." Amanda answered gravely.

   Casey got home and to his surprise they were both sitting on the couch drinking coffee and watching a television program. "Hey Casey, you look beat." Bill stated. "Yeah, I had to train a new girl for bookkeeping, but she's going to do real well, I'm not worried about it." Bill gave a knowing look to Margaret. "What?" Casey asked them. "Tasha called, I didn't ask what she wanted, but she sounded, well, down." Margaret answered. "Ok." Casey said. He walked on back to his room. He sat on the edge of the bed and ran his hands through his hair. He let out a long sigh and reached over to grab the phone. He dialed the number Tasha had given him the last time they had spoken. Tasha answered and she sat there a moment before answering him as to why she had called. Just then he heard Emily kind of cry out in the background. His heart ached. He knew Tom was home, he could hear him talk to her. "Uh, I need your address, your parent's, I need to have you sign the last portion of the divorce papers, and then it will be done with." She explained to him sounding nervous. "So that's it? Don't you want anything from me? Anything for Emily? He asked her. "No, Casey I don't want anything except for both of us to get on with things. I would have done this regardless if I would've gotten pregnant with Emily or not." There it was; the truth. Casey couldn't think of anything to say to her then, for she had left him speechless. "P.O. Box 453 in care of Casey Langley, Cincinnati, OH, 45205." "That's your work address?" She asked him. "You know Tasha, in case you don't remember, my parents don't need this shit right now, got it?" He then hung up the phone. He was in disbelief that he couldn’t have anything to do with Emily's life, and he didn't have the energy to fight for it. He looked over to his desk and saw the letter laying there that he had not read, from someone he felt like he had already met.   He reached over and held it between his fingers for a moment and then opened up the evenly cut envelope.

 

_Thursday May 16, 1999_

_Hey Paul, it's me Rory. Yeah, I know this is weird, me writing to you, but I didn't know how else to talk to you. You have been so hard to reach lately, I don't mean physically, but personally. I wish you would call me and talk to me, you haven't in a while. I don't want you to think that just because I have a boyfriend that we can't be friends. He's leaving for school in August anyway. I never really got to tell you thank you for New Year's Eve. I have never quite made love like that to anyone. I wish we could be so much more than we are, but I understand your issues. I have these deep feelings for you that scare me sometimes. I think about you constantly. I mean seriously, do you think I would drive twelve miles out of my way to go to a shitty pizza place if I didn't want to see you? I don't know how to feel when you talk about Michelle sometimes. I would take so much better care of you. I know I'm taking a chance writing this, but I really care about you. You are gorgeous, and I don't mean just your face. The way you looked at me when you made love to me haunts me still. Please think about me and call, I miss you Mr. I can’t handle my liquor, Ha! Love Yah, Rory_

Casey knew then that all of the things that Amanda had said about Rory were true and she obviously didn't know about the letter. He looked at the date one more time realizing that Bill must have read it, for Paul would've never received it.

 

  _The sky filled with lightning and Amanda could already feel mist on her face as she made her way through a gate which led to a garden of sorts. Most everything in it was dead or dying. She looked down and she was wearing the floor length flannel gown she had worn as a child. She thought for a moment that this was peculiar. She looked around for some kind of shelter for it thundered overhead and she knew it was about to rain. She turned to look in every direction and spotted a gazebo behind a shed. The main house looked dark and uninhabited so she didn't feel safe trying to enter. She made her way over towards the gazebo and the grass felt cold beneath her feet. She rounded the corner of the structure and as the lightning flashed she realized he was sitting there, but he was already soaked. Amanda felt no fear as she walked towards him. She went and stood in front of him and he put his arms around her and grabbed her to him. She ran her fingers through Nate's wet hair. He looked up then, and looked her right in the face. "Oh, my beautiful girl." She had loved it when he would say that to her. "Yes, my man." She answered him.   He reached up and kissed her chin. "Please take care of me; I need you to take care of me, Amanda." She knelt in front of him and laid her head in his lap. "I can't." She replied. His clothes were soaked, even though she hadn't noticed what he was wearing. She could smell his smell as he placed his hand on the side of her face. "I can't believe you loved me so much." He said to her. "Yes, I did, I still do, and you know that silly." She smiled. All of a sudden he pushed her and she fell back onto her buttocks and caught herself with her hands. "Nate!" She screamed. "Leave me alone!" He yelled back at her and he took off running through the back gate and she watched him run away until she couldn't see him any longer. She started to call after him and cry._

     A loud crack of lightening had awakened her. Her heart was pounding and her pillow was covered in drool. She saw that it was indeed storming outside. She got fully awake and rolled over on her back and turned on her nightstand lamp. "Fuck." She whispered to herself in the darkness, biting her lower lip. She put her face in her hands and softly cried. She looked at her clock and it was four in the morning. She lay there thinking of all the things he had ever said to her when they had been alone. He had told her once that he could see them getting married. She remembered the way he laughed when he had said it, but he had been completely serious. She remembered the little things that only he and her had shared like a special way he kissed her running his tongue over her bottom lip and it had driven her crazy. The way they would roll around wrestling though he always overpowered her. She recalled a time when they laid on Janice's bed and he looked at her, and had asked her, "What you thinking about my beautiful girl?" She had answered, "You."   Amanda laid awake the remainder of the morning until her alarm went off. When she shut it off she felt exhausted and empty. But she would get up and she would continue with her life.

     Casey drug into work about ten minutes after Amanda had. She was already gathering what was next for her to do. He hadn't said good morning and she didn't ask him anything. She waited about fifteen minutes before she went into his office. "Coffee? I'm on my second." She offered. "Yeah, I guess, I had a rough night." He admitted. "I'm sorry." She said to him. "A lot of BS." He said matter of fact. "Oh, I see." And she turned and went down the corner to where the coffee pot was. She poured him a cup and grabbed creamer and sugar packs not knowing how he took it. He thanked her. He reached into his brief case. "I have something for you." He pulled out the letter that she could tell just by looking at it that it was in Rory's handwriting. "Don't read it; just give it to her, ok? Paul never received it; I didn't know that until I read it. I thought it had been sent to him farther back than that. If you want to read it, you should ask her." He explained. "Pretty personal?" She asked. "Yeah, I think my dad had opened it, for my mom has never gone through any of his stuff." He continued. "I feel like a shit for reading it actually, but you were right about your friend, she's a good friend to you." He said with a smile on his face. Amanda knew she wouldn't dare read it. Casey had taped it closed. "Thank you, Casey." Amanda said to him. She slid the letter in her purse and sat down at her seat and began going through her first file for the day. They hardly spoke. Both of them had not slept well, both of them had lost someone they loved in very different ways, but none the less, they were both grieving.

     Noon rolled around and Amanda went into his office and asked him if he wanted to go out to lunch. "No thanks, Amanda, I promised some of the guys in the other division I would have lunch with them, they haven't talked to me since I've been back, they probably just want to ask me a bunch of questions; tell me how sorry they are." He said with a half-smile. "Well, ok, I just thought I would ask." She said sweetly. He felt terrible at that moment for turning her down. She grabbed her keys and left the building and headed for her car. She was dying for a cigarette and she actually hadn't had one in weeks. She remembered there was a rather crumpled up package of them in her glove compartment. She reached in it and dug around until she found them. _"Hah!"_ She laughed to herself at her small achievement. She pushed in the cigarette lighter and waited. She lit the cigarette and placed it between her lips and inhaled deeply. It felt so good. It tasted so sweet. She turned up the radio after she started the vehicle and drove to where she had been thinking of all day. She was hoping Casey would've gone out to lunch with her so she wouldn't have ended up here, she almost felt like she had to go sometimes, just to get it over with. It had been weeks since she had been.

    She drove through the gates and to the marker that she had engraved in her mind so she would be able to locate it. She slowly got out of the car and extinguished her cigarette on the curb. She crossed her arms and slowly walked towards the site and felt the coolness in the air though the sun was shining brightly she knew it meant the seasons were changing. She knew before long his grave would be covered by a thick layer of snow and this sickened her deeply. Amanda thought it must be because snow was so cold and unforgiving. She found it and stood before his headstone. She kissed her palm before placing it upon the headstone. "I dreamt of you my sweetheart. I am beginning to do really well…better than I was. Casey is wonderful no matter what Paul said to you, granted I don't know him well yet, but he has given me this chance and I am grateful. He has his own demons and regrets, he really loved Paul. I have actually dreamed about you. It is one of the most desperate feelings I have ever known knowing that I will never feel your arms around me again, ever. My beautiful Nate, all those sweet things you did and said to me, was I just a game? I read your book, well, some of it, it was the sweetest thing, I just wish I would've known about your affections for me sooner, we may not be here. Well, I guess I can't really say that, can I?" She dropped to her knees then. She stayed there for a moment before turning around and lying flat on her back on top of his grave with the headstone at her forehead. Amanda imagined then, him lying beneath her, as she was laying now. She wanted to get as close to him as she could. She could hear her own heartbeat. The sky was a beautiful bright blue and she recalled then how cool sunny days had been his favorite. "I love you, Nathaniel, I love you." It was if she was waiting for him to answer as he had that day on her walk, but there was no sound except for the wind rustling the distant trees. She sat up and stood, wiping the dirt from her slacks. She realized she hadn't cried. She really didn't even feel the need to do so. Amanda walked back to the car. On the drive back to the firm she felt calm and collected. The stereo blared and she sang out of tune and was a little relieved that she had gone to the cemetery for it meant she had the whole weekend to herself. This was the first time since his death that she had felt this way.

     She got back just as Casey was and he saw her and held the elevator open. "Did you have a nice lunch?" She asked him. "Ah, just talked about women troubles." He laughed. "Oh." She answered blushing. "I'm going through a divorce, actually." He stated. "I'm sorry about that, I didn't know." She apologized. "No, it's ok; I don't even know what happened really." He said still smiling. "But same shit different day, right?" He said to her. She smiled remembering once when Paul had used that exact expression. "Your brother used to say that." She said then. "He said all kinds of things, but he could really be funny at times. In school he could be a real smart ass." She said with a smile facing the floor of the elevator. Casey looked at her. In that moment as she talked about Paul she was absolutely beautiful to him. "Thank you, Amanda." She wasn't sure what he was thanking her for. Maybe it was for giving him a piece of a person that had been his brother back to him, she wasn't quite sure. She realized how the scent of his cologne had filled the small elevator and it was almost intoxicating, but she was enjoying it. They reached their floor and he motioned for her to get out ahead of him. She walked to her desk and he went to his office and they didn't really speak again until the end of the day when he caught up with her in the parking lot. "Amanda." He called out to her. "Hey." She answered. "Let's get something to drink." He offered. "Uh, I'm not quite old enough." She laughed. "What kind of beer do you like? I was 18 once too. He laughed. "Heineken." She answered smirking at him. "I really need to get home, but tomorrow is Friday; maybe we can do something tomorrow." She suggested. The invitation to sit and talk to someone besides Rory excited her. She never spoke to any of her friends from school and she had been too afraid to contact them. "You're not in school anymore, Amanda." He said to her. "It's family stuff." She explained. "Amanda, you've been awfully busy, come on let's go somewhere and talk." He asked her again. "Ok, we'll talk." She said finally giving in to the idea and puzzled by his persistence which reminded her of Paul for a moment.   He got into her car and they drove to a gas station and he went in and bought a six pack of Heineken. She drove to the park by the library downtown as he instructed and parked. He opened up a couple of beers and handed her one. She took too big of a gulp and covered her mouth laughing. "Shit." She was still a little bit nervous being around him. He downed quite a bit of his before putting it down and resting it in his lap. He leaned his head back on the headrest of his seat and smiled. Amanda was seeing a different side of him than she saw in the office. This side of him reminded her of Paul in many ways. "Where did you go for lunch, I noticed you had grass on your slacks when you got back. Tell me if I'm being too damn nosy." He added. "No, it's ok, I went to the cemetery actually." She said taking another drink of her beer. "I didn't come back here when he died. I know they had him cremated and only buried part of the ashes and the rest my mother keeps in the study, kind of makes me uneasy being in there knowing that." He said seriously. "We have to be two of the most depressing people that have ever lived." Amanda stated. "Are you busy this weekend?" He asked her. "Why?" She asked him nervously. "Take me there, could you take me there? To where Paul is buried?" He asked her looking straight into her face. She looked away for a moment. "I could tell you where it's at." She offered. "I really don't want to go again." She said with a mutter. "I'm sorry; I didn't mean to upset you." He said offering his apology. "That is the last thing I intended to do." He finished. "I'll take you." She said then. "You should go, it's only right." She said to him smiling. "Thank you." He said sincerely. They sat there for a moment and an awkward silence filled the car. Amanda finished her beer. "I really need to get home, Casey." She explained to him. "That's cool, I need to too." "This is weird, us being friends because of such a horrible thing, huh?" He asked her. "No, I would've been friends with you anyway, that's just how I am." She stated. He smiled at her. She took him back to the firm and dropped him off at his car. Before he got out he reached over and grabbed her hand and held it for a second. "Thank you for letting me into his world." Amanda could've sworn he had a tear in his eye but she wasn't for sure. She let go of his hand and handed him the rest of the beers. "I'll see you tomorrow." And with that he watched her drive out of the parking lot.

     Saturday, Amanda drove to a home at the end of a cul-de-sac she had not been to in months. Casey had not given her directions for he knew she was already aware of where she was going, only the code for the gate. He had instructed her to stay in the car and honk for him when she got there. She thought this was strange, but she was sure it had something to do with Margaret and Bill. She pulled up in the driveway and honked for him. He appeared a moment later dressed in jeans and a dark blue polo and grey sweatshirt jacket. As he walked over to her car she marveled at the similarities in his and Paul's appearance. He opened the door and got in. "How you doing?" He asked her. "I'm ok, for now." She answered smiling. She drove for a moment before speaking to him again. "I want to warn you of something." She said in a serious tone. "Your parents did not place a headstone on his grave, just the plot number." He sat there for a moment silent and he just nodded his head. "They didn't want anyone defacing it, a lot of people hate him and Nate, and me for that matter along with anyone else who even considered themselves friends with them." She explained. "Janice, Nate's mom, didn't care, her son was going to have a headstone, a nice one at that, and there wasn't anybody going to talk her out of it. Most people don't know where they are buried anyway." She continued. "Mom and dad have done a lot of things I don't understand. That’s why I hated asking them to bring me here. Such as, they keep putting off this thing about a public statement which their lawyer has strongly urged them to do. I'm going to do it on my own." He stated. "Is that legal, you weren't his parent." She asked him. "Yeah, he was my brother, they can pick whoever they want if they don't want to do it themselves, and so I choose me. I just don't think I'll be able to accomplish that until I can see where he lies. It's hard to imagine someone in an urn, a grave is something different." He finished. "Afterwards, I thought if you have the time, we could grab something to eat, someone wants to meet you and tell you thank you in person." Amanda said to him. "Sure, Rory, right?" He asked smiling. "Yeah." Amanda answered. "I can do that." He said as he looked at her.

   Amanda had put no makeup on except for a coating of lip gloss and put her hair up into a clip on the back of her head. She was wearing sweats and tennis shoes and she was still absolutely gorgeous to Casey. He stared at her longer than he should have and she turned to him and noticed him looking at her. "What?" She asked him laughing. "I didn't say anything." He said shrugging his shoulders smiling. It felt as if they had been friends for years; she was truly at an ease with him. They reached the cemetery and He commented on what a beautiful place it was with the tree lined roads and wonderful landscaping. She parked the car in the usual spot and got out. She remembered that Paul's grave was exactly three rows back from Nate's. She spotted Nate's and then began counting until she found it with Casey following her. She stopped in front of the bronze number and Casey looked down to see it also. A minute went by before either of them spoke. When Casey finally spoke it wasn't to Amanda. "Gee, you really did this, you're really here. I would like to tell you, you have caused a pretty good sized stir; everyone in the god damned world knows your name. I think mom and dad are going to be ok, no thanks to you. I don't know what to say to you so I'm not going to pretend that I do, ok? We weren't close you know that. It doesn't mean I didn't love you, you were a great kid, I stare at your picture hanging in the living room and I ask you why. You never answer; you just sit there and smile. You got what you wanted, you're famous, that's the single biggest reason; I read the journal. Well, ok, then. I'll bring you something next time." He looked at her then and she was still facing the ground. "Where's Nate's?" He asked her. She looked off in the distance and pointed to it. "The black one." She said without emotion. "I don't want to go over there." She said matter of fact. "I understand." He said to her. They walked back to the car and got in. She tried to not look at the headstone but it beckoned her like some unknown force. She held it in her view as she turned around and then she finally looked away as they were leaving.

    "Have you lived here your entire life?" Casey asked her trying desperately to redirect the mood. "Yeah, I have." She answered. My mom got remarried when I was six to a guy named Barry, he's ok, he's better than he used to be." She said rolling her eyes. "My real dad left when I was three. I have never seen him, not even a picture, my mom has tried before to describe him, but you know how that is, some people remember people different than they really were." She said that swallowing hard thinking of Nate then. "Well, you know my parents." He began. "We moved to Westvale from the city when I was four and then after Paul was in middle school they bought the house they have now. My dad worked his ass off to buy that house and give me and Paul everything we could possibly want. Paul was more spoiled than me, I think they felt sorry for him, and I always got the impression that was the last thing he wanted. They came out to California once to see me and Paul acted so weird it kind of freaked me out. I said something to mom, and she got pissed and defended him and tried to explain something to me about his medication. I don't know, makes me scared to be a parent, my parents were good parents and something like this happened to them, yah know. I turned out alright." He finished. "Did you?" Amanda asked him jokingly. "Well, hell, I think so anyway." He laughed.

    They pulled up in front of the club where Rory worked. She worked the day shift on Saturdays. "She's a stripper?" Casey asked Amanda laughing. "No!" She's a cocktail waitress. Amanda exclaimed laughing. They entered the club which really didn't get too lively until five or so. Rory was waiting on a customer and noticed them. She stood there for a moment and just stared. She felt as if she needed to push her jaw back up. She walked over to them. "Hey girl." Amanda said to her. Casey looked at her for a minute. "Hey don't you have to be twenty-one to serve drinks?" He asked her quietly. "Welcome to the wonderful world of fake id's and the shady, seedy underbelly of Cincinnati." She said smiling. “They never card.” Amanda said seriously. "You must be Casey, I'm Rory." She said as she stuck out her hand for him to shake. He liked her immediately and he could clearly see Paul's attraction to the girl, she wasn't only adorable she was intelligent and witty. "I don't have long." Rory explained to them. "Thank you, Casey for the letter; I don't know if you understand how much I appreciated that, truly. I can't get over how much you look like him, I'm dying here." She said placing her hand over her heart. "Do you guys want anything to drink, well, you anyway?" She asked Casey. "We really need to go." Amanda said. "Well, I guess you have your answer." He stated to Rory. "Call me Amanda, you be good." And with that Rory went to retrieve a drink at the bar someone had ordered. She watched Casey as he made his way to the door feeling as if she had seen a ghost.

    "That was fast." Casey mentioned to Amanda as they got back into the car. "That place gives me the creeps." She said making a face. "Rory is gutsier than I ever could be but she makes amazing money in tips." She explained. "Ok, Amanda I'm going to make a complete ass out of myself right now, but how old do you know me to be?" He asked her. "Uh, twenty eight?" She answered. "Good guess, twenty-seven. Do you think that's old?" He added. "God, no." She answered curiously. "I know what all you have been through, and I have so appreciated what all you have done, that I would like to take you out sometime...on a date. It doesn't have to be anytime soon, just sometime, whenever you're ready and if you’re ready to." He finished. She felt completely awkward. It was the last thing she ever imagined him asking her. "Maybe you're too young, have I crossed a line, I just don't believe in waiting on your fate, I guess." He added. She didn't quite understand what he was trying to explain to her. "I don't think you are too old for me if that's what you're getting at, I'm over legal age." She said laughing. "But to be honest, shocked and honest, I'm just not ready for that. I am flattered like hell, but just nowhere near ready." She was still amazed that he had just asked her out. It gave her a peculiar feeling that she hadn't known in quite some time. "Oh Casey, I'm so sorry, I'm still a wreck somewhat, well, more than somewhat, inside.” “I can't believe really I just did that, forgive me, you are just one of the sweetest people I have met, and you seem so much older than what you are, really." He stated. "Well, I guess things like that will do it to you, grow you up." She explained. He changed the subject embarrassed by himself, and they talked about some of the people at work. They reached the Langley residence and he got out but not before leaning back in the car and saying to her, "Please forget what a jackass I am." She just smiled and looked at him. "You're forgiven." She drove home with a smile on her face.

    A few weeks had passed and Amanda was enjoying a regular paycheck and she and Rory were starting to make plans to get a place of their own. She went shopping for the biggest bouquet of white roses she could possibly afford and took them to the cemetery and Rory followed. It had been raining all day. Rory favored daisies and carried a bundle of them in her arms as they walked towards Nate's grave. The ground was soft around them and they could see their breath in the cold air. Amanda had not been back since her and Casey had visited. She stood in front of the headstone and laid the roses down. They both stood there for a moment and Amanda said, "Be good. I miss you more than you will ever know sweet boy." Amanda went over next to Rory and grabbed her by the elbow. To their surprise there was a new headstone where once there had only been a number. Rory placed her hand over her mouth and started to cry. "Oh my God, who?" She muttered through her tears. _Paul William Langley Beloved son and brother._ _August 20, 1980 - May 17, 1999_. Amanda cried with her for she knew _who_ instantly yet didn't say a word. A few days later a statement from the Langley family began being received.

 

   _The eldest son of the Langley's has written the following formal statement on behalf of his parents and family. They wish to extend their deepest sympathy for the victims of this senseless tragedy. Every day they try to find answers to why their son brought forth such sorrow and mourning to so many. They continue to grieve themselves. If there was any way they could have foretold an incident such as this, they would have definitely done all that they could for it to have been avoided. Their prayers go to each and every victim of this tragedy. They are also deeply moved by the letters of support from friends and strangers around the world._ _They are constantly praying for the victims and injured and wish them only peace in this time of tragedy._

 


	17. Being Nineteen

   A full year had come and gone since the massacre. It was a beautiful June day in Westvale. In May the city had held a memorial and hundreds of thousands of people from all over the country came to pay respects to the fallen victims of the tragedy of May 17, 1999. Paul and Nate were never mentioned. Amanda of course did not attend. For a couple of weeks thereafter, the town was once again the center of media frenzy. Amanda went to and from work and hardly spoke to anyone hoping no one would speak to her. She had found out that Chris was being paroled only to a half-way house at first. He would have work detail for the next year and a half, and then he would be completely free. Amanda desperately wanted to see him. Bruce had not been paroled and was actually looking at more time due to drug charges. Amanda marked off the date on her Calendar, June 3, 2000. _"Happy Birthday to me, happy birthday to me!"_ She sang to herself in front of her vanity mirror. She was also glad it was a Saturday. Rory had invited her to go apartment hunting. She had been working at the firm now since October and had saved quite a sum of money. Her therapist had taken her off of all medication the month before. She was aware that Chris had been released the previous week and so she looked through the phone book for corrections or the county jail for something to help her. She was excited at the possibility of getting her own place and moving out away from her mother and Barry. Ruth worried about her with all that had happened and her being on her own, but Barry assured her it was time to let her go. She was nineteen and she was anxious to get on with things as an adult.

    The doorbell rang and Ruth got off of the couch to answer it. Amanda didn't feel comfortable opening the door until the town had calmed down a bit. She heard Ruth talk to someone and then close the front door. Ruth came and knocked on Amanda's door then. She went and opened her bedroom door. Ruth was standing there holding the biggest bouquet of roses she had ever remembered seeing. "Oh my god!" Ruth exclaimed, "These must have cost a fortune!" They were mixed with other flowers such as daisies and purple tulips and it was absolutely breathtaking. Ruth handed them to her. "They must weigh a hundred pounds!" Amanda gasped. There was no name on them except _To Amanda_ on the card. "I don't even have anywhere big enough in here to sit them." She said looking around her room. Amanda carried them into the dining room and sat them on the table. She stood back and looked at them. She then leaned over and took a huge smell of them. "Oh geez, they are heaven." She exclaimed. "You know, I bet they are from one of those shows that have been hounding you to do an interview. Amanda stepped back for a moment and realized she was probably right. This made her kind of sad in a sense. Casey had brought her a cake to work; a little one and she had cut it and shared it with him. They became better friends every day. Amanda had an idea then. She walked back to her room and finished getting dressed and put on makeup and brushed her hair and put it back into a barrette. She put on her sandals and went into the living room and grabbed her purse and keys. "Hey don't stay out too late, or drop by at least because me and Barry have something special for you." Ruth yelled to her as she headed out the door. "Ok, I will, promise." She called back to her.

   She jumped in her car and the seat stung her legs from the glare of the sun on them. She drove trying to recall how long it had been since she had been on this street. She counted houses realizing they had painted it a different color. She parked out in front and got out of the car, straightening out her shorts. She walked up to the door and prayed for someone to be home. It had been more than a year since she had stood on this doorstep. She cautiously rang the doorbell and Mary answered the door. "Amanda!" She screamed. Mary flung open the screen door and grabbed her in her arms and hugged her tight. "How long has it been? Are you alright?" Mary asked her. "Yeah, I'm doing good, I wasn't for a while, but things are definitely looking up." She exclaimed. "Oh, my gosh, come in here." Mary said and welcomed her in the house. "How are your mother and Barry and Nikki?" She asked her. "Nikki is getting big she's almost eight. Mom and Barry are doing fine; they have been great through all of this." "Oh Amanda you have grown up so much since I saw you last, and by the way we don't talk about "it" in the house." Mary said smiling. "Mary, I want to see Him, I want to talk to him." Amanda said of Chris. "He wants to see you too, he's asked about you two or three times and I was afraid to try and get in touch with you under the circumstances, hell, we've been broke from lawyer's fees." Mary went into the kitchen and was digging in her purse. "He only has visitation on Sunday during the weekend, but on weekdays it's at different times when he's not at work, they have him doing different things." Mary went on to explain. "I'm just glad he's out of that "place. No matter what the damn media says, that's no place for an twenty year old kid who has never been in trouble a day in his life." She walked back over to Amanda and handed her a piece of paper which had an address and a phone number on it. "You can call him after nine any time of the week. He can only stay on the phone though, for thirty minutes." She explained. "I need to go, today is my birthday and I'm meeting a friend of mine. I greatly appreciate this, Mary." She went over and hugged her again. "Happy birthday, you always were a sweet girl, Amanda." Mary finished. "Thank you." Amanda said shyly. Amanda felt relief as she left the Wilson's residence. She had been afraid that they would be upset with her being Nate's girlfriend and all, but now she was glad she had taken the chance.

     Rory met up with Amanda at TGI Friday's in Cincinnati and treated her to lunch. They sat down and Amanda told her about the flowers with no name and seeing Mary. "I can't wait to talk to him." Amanda said. "Wasn't he like a jerk to you?" Rory asked her. "That was just teenage petty bullshit stuff, Rory. He has been through it you know, and even worse he's been confined to a jail cell to think about it. He's in a half-way house for eighteen months." She explained to Rory. "Well, he's probably grown up a lot." Rory stated. "What did your mom and Barry get you?" She asked her. "Oh, I don't know yet, I find out tonight." She said. "Amanda I have some other news, I started seeing someone." She began. "I met him at work; before you say anything I want you to know he is not a sleaze ball!" Rory announced. "He's about three years older than me and he is a car salesman. He's not very attractive but he is so smart and he has a great sense of humor, I've been seeing him for about a month." She added. "I hadn't said anything because I didn't want you to be upset." She explained to her. "Why would I be upset?" Amanda asked concerned. "I don't know. I guess it was stupid to think that. I haven't been around anyone in a long time that made me feel this way, not since Paul." She concluded. "Paul?" Amanda asked her. "Yes, Paul." Rory answered her straightforward. Amanda felt so guilty then. "Have I been that crappy of a friend that I hadn't even noticed your feelings for him?" Amanda asked her sadly. "No, I really didn't say anything, and Paul made it pretty damn clear that death was the only thing he lusted after." Rory said without smiling. "Did Casey get you anything for your birthday?" Rory asked her smiling then. "Yeah, he brought me the cutest cake, one of those little ones, and we split it. His divorce was final a couple of months ago, and ever since he legally got told that the baby his wife had, was indeed, not his, he hasn't been too chatty. He did move out of his parent's house though, and that seemed to help a little. I don't pry, but I do listen when he wants to talk about something, we've become great friends. You know it's weird, I see less and less of Paul in him all the time." Amanda added. The waitress came over and took their order. "I still think about Paul, quite a bit. I'll hear some song that I think he would like or I see some kid in a trench coat and I'll still check to see if it's him. I read that he literally blew the top of his head off." She said looking down at her glass. "Oh my god Rory." Amanda whined. "I don't want to talk about that stuff, babe. I'm sorry." Rory said apologizing. "Sometimes I wonder if they are really in hell." Rory said then. "I didn't want to think about that for a long time, but when I look around at all of the devastation they created, I have to wonder about it, it breaks my heart to think about." Amanda said surprised by her own honesty. "I have a surprise for you, hurry up and eat." Rory said excitedly as the waitress brought over their food.

   They left the restaurant and headed out in Rory's new car she had purchased just a few months earlier. They came to a small apartment complex in an older part of town. It was clean and well taken care of. They walked inside and Rory took a key out of her purse and opened the door to apartment 2C. Amanda walked in and smelled fresh paint. The carpet was new as well and there were two bedrooms of the same size and a good size bathroom that connected them and a small kitchen. It had a rather large living room and a little pantry with washer/dryer hookups inside. "Do you like it?" Rory asked her. "I love it!" Amanda beamed. "Happy Birthday! I put the deposit down for your birthday." She said smiling. "Rory! How did you know I would fall in love with it?" Amanda excitedly asked her. "Oh, I know you!" Rory laughed. Amanda went into the farthest back bedroom and imagined then where all of her furniture would go. She then recalled a conversation she had had with Nate just days before the massacre.

 

_"Hey what do you think your mom would do if I took you to Missouri with me? You could work while I'm in school, and I could work part-time, we could manage." Nate explained to her. "Oh gosh, Nate, I don't know if they would go for that, but then I will be eighteen in June, and they won't be able to say much." Amanda answered. They were lying on her bed watching TV. He was lying on his back and she had her head on his stomach and he was running his hands through her hair. "I really don't want to leave you, Amanda, I'm afraid you won't be here when I'm done with school." He said seriously. "Nate, I'll be here. You really want me to go with you?" She asked him. "Yeah, then we could sleep together, and wake up together, and take showers together, and I would have you all the time." He answered with a chuckle. "Nate!" Amanda giggled. "What would your parents do if I went to Missouri with you?" She asked looking at him then. "I don't really care what they think, if dad threatened not to pay, which he won't for he feels too much guilt for leaving us, I'm smart enough, I would just get a grant of some kind." He explained. She lifted up his shirt and kissed his stomach. "I love you, Nate; we'll be together no matter what." She assured him._

   She shrugged off the thought and continued admiring the apartment. "Rory my darling, you have made me the happiest person in the world." She joked with her. "Hey and what do you know, my name isn't even Zoloft." Rory laughed. "That's not entirely funny." Amanda laughed. "Are you ok?" Rory asked her then concerned. "Yeah, why?" Amanda said smiling. "I don't know, I seemed to lose you there for a minute. "Yeah, just a memory." Amanda said honestly.

    Amanda couldn't wait to get home and tell Ruth and Barry her good news and she knew Nikki would be ecstatic for she had always wanted her room it being the larger of the two. Rory took her back to her car and she returned home to find a huge pink box with a big purple bow tied around it. Amanda shut the door. "What the heck is this guys?" Amanda asked laughing. "Open it, open it!" Nikki insisted. "Yeah, it might crawl away." Barry joked with her. She started untying the purple ribbon and tore through the paper. She unwrapped a thirty-two inch television. "Oh my gosh you guys! I don't have room for this!" She exclaimed. "Well, yeah but you and Rory need a nice television in your new place." Ruth laughed. "You knew?" Amanda screamed. "Yeah, we knew." Her, Barry and Nikki laughed. Amanda knew how fortunate she was to be surrounded by people who loved her. Barry took all four of them out to Amanda's favorite Mexican restaurant and they had a wonderful evening. Amanda couldn't remember having such a good time with her whole family since she was a kid. They got home around eight o'clock and Amanda stated that she was going to take a shower and go to bed. "Big party pooper!" Barry had yelled at her jokingly. She brushed out her wet hair upon returning to her room after her shower, laid on her bed and turned on the television. She heard the phone in the living room ring but didn't pay it much attention. Her bedroom door opened up and Nikki handed her the cordless. "Who is it?" Amanda asked. "I don't know, mom said to bring it to you." Amanda took the phone. "Hello?" "Amanda, I'm sorry to be calling you like this, I just wanted to say happy birthday." Casey told her. "Well, thank you." She said curiously as he had never called her at home except for the interview when she first started. She didn't think twice about telling him of her good fortune. "Me and Rory got a place, it's not far from work, or your place. That's a pretty decent part of town isn't it?" She asked him. "Yeah, it's not bad, I like it, it's not Westvale, but then, nothing is." He chuckled. She knew what he meant speaking of the suburbs. "Yeah, it's cute, two bedroom, I'm glad, Rory is somewhat of a slob." She said laughing. "So what's up?" She asked him. "Just bored, I guess. I just wanted to talk to you, is that ok?" He asked cautiously. "Sure, we're friends, you're my boss, but we're friends." She joked. He kind of chuckled at her tone. "So…nineteen. I remember being nineteen." He began. "I think you're a lot more mature than I was at nineteen. I mean I already had a good job, and lived on my own, I just didn't know what the hell I was doing really. I know that doesn't make sense." He added. "No, I think I understand." She stated. "I mean I look at you, you're amazing by the way, and I see a person who knows exactly what she wants." He stated. She knew he was actually flirting with her then. She was blushing and was at a loss of knowing what to say. "Well, what I wanted has really changed over the last year and a half; I used to want something entirely different." She said. "I know." He said sincerely knowing exactly what she meant. "I did too, she just wanted something else. I wish she would have figured out that I wasn't what she wanted before we got married." He finished. "I'm so sorry. I was so wrapped up in Nate for so long, that I have forgotten what it was like to ever be with anyone else." She admitted. "Did you have other boyfriends?" He asked her. "Yeah, sort of. In fact he's just getting out of jail for helping sell your brother weapons." She said seriously then. "No shit?" He exclaimed. "No shit. And I'm going tomorrow to see him. I haven't seen him in over a year, now." "He's on probation for a year and a half." She finished. "Why did you two break up, if you don't mind me asking?" He asked of her. "No, it's cool. I don't know stupid teenager crap." She laughed. "He wanted more than I was comfortable giving, so to speak." She explained. "Oh." He understood her. "Yeah I remember being a horny teenager." He stated laughing and Amanda laughed also. "Nate didn't want those things, I mean he did, he just didn't push the issue. I felt differently about him, so it was different. It was if we were always more best friends. He would talk of what he wanted, like he really wanted a future but I think most of it was just to make himself feel normal.” She explained to him. He smiled at her honesty. "Man, it's weird to talk to anybody but Rory about this stuff." She stated a little embarrassed. There was a silence between them for a moment and then he asked her, "Did you like the flowers?" She didn't know how to answer him. "Uh, oh my lord, you sent those?" She asked him. "Yeah, I hoped you would enjoy them." He said sincerely. "They are the most beautiful things I have ever seen; no one has ever sent me flowers like that, gee, thank you." She was taken by surprise and didn't know quite how to respond. He kind of laughed. "It's no secret Amanda, you can pin a sexual harassment suit against me I guess, but I really like you. He couldn't believe how honest he had just been with her. "Oh, Casey, I really don't know what to say." She said nervously. "I like you, I just can't see me with anyone…I don't know." She responded. "We don't have to be "together"; I just thought it was only right for me to be honest with you, rather than keep playing these games, you know, the flirting thing." She nervously giggled to herself. "What do you want me to say?" She asked him honestly. "I don't know; I know I'm too old for you, I just can't stop thinking about you, you always look like you need someone to take care of you, you seem so...hell, I don't know." He trailed off. "Casey, I think you are very good looking and I wish I was older then I could probably be more of what you want…” "You are what I want; you're not a kid, Amanda." He stated cutting her off. "You are so nice, and I love talking to you, and going out to lunch and I don't want to put our friendship in jeopardy, I'm just in no shape to make anyone promises." She remembered then when Nate had said something similar to her. "Well, let's keep on talking; I want to get to know you as best as I can, and the date thing still stands, if you ever want to, then that's that." He said matter of fact. "What if I never want to?" She asked him honestly. "Then I will die of eternal loneliness." He joked. "If you gave me a chance, I would make it worth your while." He admitted to her. "Thank you, Casey, I do care for you, you are becoming one of my best friends." She explained to him. "Well, I really need to finish some of this stuff up for Don for Monday and we're doing kind of a family thing tomorrow, me and the folks so I will let you go, get some sleep, beautiful.” No one had ever said that to her besides Nate. "Goodnight, Casey." She said solemnly.

   She hung up the phone and she thought then of how crazy it would be if they were to be together, what would everyone think? Not to mention their age difference, but the circumstance, what would happen to her job, to his? She had to admit to herself she did find him very appealing and had wondered what it would be like to kiss him from time to time, like when they went after work to the park to have beers and after lunch when they would talk in each other’s car. She didn't want to think about all that right now, she wanted to think about getting out on her own. She wanted to think about seeing Chris, she was so excited about it, and it was difficult for her to fall asleep.

 


	18. The Last Time I Saw You

    Ruth had felt it was safer for Amanda not to go alone to the halfway house that was right in the middle of downtown and not a good part of town at that. "I will park over at the convenient store and when you are done, wait for me out front, thirty minutes right?" She asked Amanda. "Yeah, thirty minutes is all he gets to visit, until this evening, but his mom comes in the evening." She explained. Amanda's heart was beating wildly. She didn't know what to expect. She hadn't seen Chris since before the shootings. She wondered what he was going to say to her. She thought then of Nate's journal entries and the things Chris would say about her.

   She got out of the car and walked across the street and entered what looked to be an old tenement building. She rang a bell and a guard came to the door. She went inside a waiting room and there were around twenty other people standing around to also see people who were serving time there. There was a baby crying and a woman who was talking very angrily with someone on a cell phone. There was a man smoking a cigarette in the corner of the waiting area that shot a look her way and smiled at her. A female officer came into the room and placed a clip board on the front table and asked them each to sign in and who they were there to see and the date and time. Amanda did so when everyone else had finished. She was literally trembling. She waited what seemed forever before another guard walked over to her and said, "Amanda Beckwith?" "That's me." Amanda said pointing to herself. "He's in the back lawn, go out this door and push the button on the gate and the guard there will give you a tag, Mr. Wilson knows you're here." The guard said of Chris. Amanda felt as if she were in a dream. She knew she was visibly shaking. She stopped after entering the gate and looked around but didn't see him yet. She took her id tag and clipped it to the pocket of her jeans. One of the residents walked over to her and asked her who she was looking for. "Chris Wilson." She said softly. "Hey Chris!" The guy yelled towards the back of the building.

    Amanda started walking in the same direction and she made out his profile. His blonde hair had been buzz cut and the green jumpsuit came to the top of his work boots. He still had the same blue eyes and cheeky smile with dimples that she had always loved. He turned then, extinguishing his cigarette. He hurriedly walked towards her. "Chris!" Amanda screamed. He seemed taller and more filled out as he walked closer to her and it looked as though to her, he was about to cry. He grabbed her in his arms and started crying. He held the back of her head in his hands. "You are the first thing I have seen in a year that makes any sense." He sobbed. Amanda had never imagined him ever crying. She smiled and cried herself. She stayed there in his arms for as long as she could. "God damn you smell good." He said then stepping back to look at her. He had a tribal tattoo around his forearm that she didn't remember. In the face he looked exactly the same, except older than he should have. Maybe she looked older to him too, she thought to herself. "Some days in jail you were all I could think about. I would think about what this all had probably done to you. They tried to involve you, but me and Bruce weren't about to let that happen." He stated wiping his face with his hands. "What the fuck were they thinking?" He exclaimed. "I don't know, I have spent the last year trying to figure that out." She answered. "If I would've had any idea, I would have killed Paul myself, I'm sorry but Nate would've never ever done anything like this, Amanda, I knew him. I mean I remember the time he pulled the gun on Kessler, but shit who didn't want to do that to that motherfucker from time to time?" He laughed. "Oh Chris. I have thought about you so much, I have been furious they have done this to you." She said to him. "Hey, they wanted someone to pay, Nate and Paul took the easy way out, so we were all that was left." He said shrugging his shoulders. They sat down on a bench and Chris kept his arm around her and she placed her hand on his knee for the remainder of their visit. Before long the guard that had given her the id badge came over and said it was time for her to go. They both stood and she hugged him as tight as she could. She started walking towards the gate when Chris called out to her. "Please come see me again.” "Definitely." She answered with her fist over her heart. Something tore in her to leave him standing there all alone. She made it across the street to where Ruth was parked and got in the car. "Well?" Ruth asked her. "He's good." Was all she could manage to say. She laid her head on the headrest of the car and kept her eyes closed the rest of the way home.

     Monday while she was getting ready for work she had thought about and wondered if maybe there would be awkwardness between her and Casey. She had been entirely flattered by his advances. It was a much needed ego boost. She smiled to herself as she put her makeup on. Sunday when they had returned home, she had begun to place in boxes that she knew she wasn't going to need. Rory wanted them to possibly get everything moved in the coming weekend. She didn't care what the weekend held she knew that on Sundays her new routine was going to be to go see Chris. The paper that she had picked up on the way out had stated things like what they could bring for the inmates, visitation rules and schedules. Chris had told her for some reason the phone rules changed from time to time, or at least that's what the other guys there had told him. He said it depended on which guard was in charge, some were more lenient than others. He had told her that the house was much better than jail had been, especially the food. They both had laughed at this. When she held him she could have sworn she was holding onto a piece of Nate. She couldn't quite place a finger on it. It was a very unique, wonderful, emotional feeling. She finished getting ready for work. She walked into the kitchen to retrieve her keys and leaned over the table and smelled her flowers. She went by her new television and patted it. She smiled and walked out the door.

    She got to work and realized Casey had gotten there early to work on some stuff he hadn't finished on Friday. "Hey come here, Amanda." He called from his office upon seeing her walk in. "Yeah?" She asked him as she stood at the doorway. "I feel like kind of an ass for Saturday night." He said with a grin. "Hey, I enjoyed it." She said honestly putting him at ease. "Lunch?" He asked her then. "Sure." It wasn't awkward like she had imagined, in fact it was just the opposite. She actually felt more comfortable around him than she had before. She walked over to the filing cabinet and got started on her first file of the day. She had to make a couple of copies of invoices so she walked over to the copy machine and as she waited on them to finish she noticed a small bin of magazines and newspapers by the watercooler that caught her attention. She reached over and grabbed a National Geographic and under it she saw a Time issue that took her breath away. It had Nate and Paul's pictures boldly on the front. The top of it read, _"Why they were driven to Murder._ " It was a new issue. She looked around to see if anyone was looking and grabbed her copies and stuck the magazine under them and carried it back to her desk, rolled it up and placed it in her purse. She wanted to know what the nation's reason was for their deadly rampage. She wanted to see if they even had a clue, and did it even come close to her own. She had heard of the infamous "basement tapes” as they were being called, that Nate and Paul had made before describing what and when they were going to do. She had heard rumors they had said goodbye to some of their friends and family on them and it had always haunted her that maybe Nate had mentioned her on them. There had been a great debate on whether the families of the victims or shooters should be able to view them. So far only investigators and officers involved in the investigation had been allowed to view them. It was still being debated over for some of the victims family's desperately wanted to see them, especially the Brach’s. Amanda desperately wanted to see them. She wondered if it would completely destroy her, but she had to know if there was some answer in them. She wondered if she had the answers in her own attic. She knew then she had to get the journal back down. She decided then to do so and made herself a promise to only read a page a night and no more, that way she wouldn't have too much information to deal with at one time. She put her thoughts back on her work and felt like the magazine was burning a hole in her purse.

     Noon snuck upon her, and Casey came out of his office from being on the phone most of the day with the California office.   She was waiting for him by the elevators and he came and pushed the elevator button. Once the elevator had closed he put his head in his hands. "Shit these people are trying to kill me today, I swear!" Amanda laughed. "Where are we going?" He asked her then about where to eat. "Subway actually sounds good to me; I'm in the mood for a meatball sandwich." She said. "Hey that's one of my favorites." He said sarcastically. "Cool." She said playfully. "Let's take my vehicle." He said to her. "Ok, whatever floats your boat." She commented. They made it to the car and got in. He turned on the radio. "You don't mind do you?" He asked. "Casey, it's your car." She laughed. "Point taken." He stated smiling at her. They didn't speak of their conversation on Saturday. "Hey did you see that guy on Sunday?" He asked. "Yeah, it was really good, he's doing pretty well. All this has put him in another world so to speak." She explained. "Hasn't it done that to all of us?" He asked. "Oh yeah." She said seriously. She didn't mention anything to him about the magazine. She wanted to read it before she talked to anyone about it. She wondered how many millions of people had already read it, and it kind of sickened her to think of that then. For a year now she had purposely avoided newsstands, television shows, and the magazine rack at the grocery store just for this reason. They pulled up in front of the restaurant. "Here we be." Casey jokingly said. They had to park away from the restaurant as it was the busiest hour. They stepped from the car. She walked over to the driver's side and walked next to him and grabbed his hand. "Hey." He said to her quietly. "Hey yourself." She said smiling with a slight giggle. He tightened his grip then on her hand. She looked down at the ground as they walked towards the restaurant, and smiled widely. He looked at her, smiled himself and sighed. She didn't know what made her do it, but she was glad she had. They reached the door and he opened it with one hand and placed his other hand on the small of her back. She felt as if she was in slow motion then, as her heart skipped a beat. It felt to her as if it had been ages since anyone had touched her in that way. They ordered their sandwiches and he kept his hand on the small of her back. As they waited she then reached over and put her arm around his back. She rested her head on his shoulder and it felt wonderful. She knew people were staring and she didn't care. She was amazed at what had come over her. She figured she was just tired of making excuses and wondering "what if". She knew all too well life was too short for what ifs. All she kept thinking about were the magnificent flowers and moving out the following weekend.

    They got their sandwiches and Casey carried both of theirs to the table. He didn't say anything for a moment. "So uh, what is going on?" He questioned her. "I'm tired of being alone." She answered blatantly. It was the truth she had been avoiding for months. Seeing Chris had made her realize this more than anything.

   They ate their lunch and talked about Chris some more and the weekend coming up. "Maybe I can help you guys?" He asked. "Maybe, my parents are going to be there." She warned him. "Hey guess what, I have parents too." He joked with her. "Seriously I don't know if it would be a good idea just yet." She said. "Hey, Amanda we're friends, remember?" He said smiling at her. Casey had wondered what had made this girl take to him all of a sudden. He didn't want to go back to work then, he wanted to go somewhere away from everything and be with her by himself. He laughed to himself as he thought of the remarks his friends would make about her age. He didn't care; her age had nothing to do with it, considering she was more mature than most of the women he met that were his age. He didn't know what was starting between them or how long it would last but he intended from that moment on to not worry about it as he had with Tasha and just enjoy it for what it was and take it moment to moment. He thought then and looked at her, "So does this mean you'll go out with me?" He joked with her. "Well, I'm booked this weekend." She answered. "Well when you can fit it in your schedule I'd be happy to accommodate you." He said to her. "Ok, I'll take that into account." She said. A part of her then couldn’t wait to go out on a real date with him, as they were right then. He thought to himself as he held her hand on the drive back to the office, _"Nate must have been crazy as hell to want to leave this behind."_

    She got home that night and thought about her decision with the journal she had made. She didn't know what to read first. The article in the Time issue was about three pages long. She decided to read it first. It started out describing how smart they had been and how both of them had come from average middle class families and how Paul had a history of mental illness. It talked about the music they listened to and the places in Westvale they hung out and had interviews from other kids they had gone to school with, some of them Amanda didn't even remember. The article never talked of the daily torture they endured and the endless taunts from other classmates and how the teachers would turn a blind eye if you hung around with the right "clique." Amanda finished it and was furious. It had also made Chris and Bruce out to be heartless thugs and showed their mug shots. Amanda wanted to scream and hit something. The article had some truths but more speculations that they wanted the public to believe as truths.   She tossed it to the floor and sighed loudly. She was afraid now, to tell Casey about it. She didn't want to upset him. She didn't want him thinking horrible things about Paul's friends or her for that matter. She left her room and headed towards the garage attic to retrieve the journal. She went through the box and found it and wiped the dust off that had already accumulated on the front of it. She climbed back down the ladder and went back to her bedroom. She opened it to where she had left off. _"Remember just one entry at a time, Amanda."_ She whispered to herself.

 

_October 6, 1996 Thursday_

_Today was flippin boring. School sucked! I got a B in Lowe’s and I deserved an A. I hope I don't have her next year, but a lot of the sophomores say that you have her when you are a junior too. Paul has her but a different hour and she loves the way he writes but she feels he gets a little too graphic. I think Amanda and Chris are together, or they are about to be. Really has me depressed. Hell, why would she like me? Kessler came up behind me today and announced that it was hit the faggot day and punched me as hard as he could in the back and it hurt like hell, but I didn't act like it bothered me, I just kept on walking. Asshole. Paul got it too. What the hell is their deal? Me or Paul neither one ever did anything to them. We are not the only ones who they do this to. I would love to tell Amanda don't waste your time on Wilson, he just wants to get laid, but I can't do that. She can make up her own mind. She has to know I like her, maybe she doesn't. She smiles at me in the hallways and we talk at lunch but what the hell do I have to offer her? I have no car, no job, I'm a freakin loser. I'm so tall I'm awkward; I have hair that I have to wear a cap over because the shit doesn't want to fix half the time. Yeah, she likes me, NOT! Paul has started making pipe bombs. He stores all the shit in his garage and shed without his parents even knowing about it. It's hilarious! He hasn't figured out how to do the fuse thing yet with much success, so he has built them where if you hit them hard enough on the top, they go off. They are kind of cool and not really expensive to manufacture. We blew up a dog house a couple of weeks ago, I nearly shit myself. Paul was laughing that fucking absurd laugh of his, and he has to wonder why he can't get a date. Ha! Skyla kept staring at me and when I turned to look directly at her she smiled at me. Maybe I should just ask her to hang out or something. Dave had to make a comment about me and Paul's trench coats and you know what? I don't give a shit! Chris got one too, it's pretty cool. I had a dream about Amanda last night, it was pretty cool. We were in my back yard and the moon was out and the stars and we made love in the grass. She was on top of me and when I would look at her the stars were in the background. It was really cool. Needless to say I was a disaster when I woke up this morning. Ha! I could barely look at her, I felt like she knew. It was really weird at lunch. Well, I need to go eat dinner._

    Amanda had promised herself and closed the book. She couldn't believe really that he had mentioned her in every entry so far. She had a thought then about the magazine, and Chris, and Nate's journal. Amanda knew that people needed to know the truth. The truth of how they were treated, and how they really were, that yes they did these terrible things, but because terrible things had been done to them for years may have been a huge factor in what _"drove them to murder."_ She thought to herself. Maybe it was time she did an interview. Yes, it was time. She held the leather bound book to her chest. She knew she must do it, not only for Nate and Paul's sake but for all of those who knew this treatment and lived with it every day. Amanda knew truths about that school like so many others did, and she was ready to exploit it. She was more than ready to show them that life was less than perfect in their little world know as the suburbs.

    Rory's dad, Gary had rented them a small moving truck for all their belongings. Amanda woke up extremely early and got all her essentials she had not packed yet together in bags. She put them in her car. As she closed the door to her car she looked at the house she had spent the majority of her life in. She was saddened then by something she couldn't understand. She walked back inside. "It's not like if you forget something you can't come back and get it." Ruth laughed looking at her. "I know, mom. Mom?” Amanda quietly called to Ruth. "Yeah?" She said turning around. "I'm gonna miss you and Nikki and maybe even Barry, I just realized it just now." She said trying not to cry. "Oh, hon; you're fine." Ruth said going over to her to grab and hug her. "You'll always have a home, you know that. You are going to enjoy this, you will, you'll see." Ruth assured her. Ruth walked on out the door to go back outside to smoke a cigarette. Amanda walked down the hall one more time to her empty room. She leaned in the doorway and looked at her window which let light in through the sheer curtains and made a brilliant light across the wooden floor. Amanda could feel her eyes swelling up with tears for memories she wasn't even aware she had until now. She remembered the times Barry would ground her and she would flip him off when the door would close, or the times Nikki would get scared and come to sleep with her, the times her and Rory would stay up and laugh till wee hours of the morning, all the times her mother would bring her food and medicine in when she was ill, how she had enjoyed laying on her bed with her feet on the wall and gossip on the phone, the empty walls which once held posters and concert tickets and pictures Chris had drawn for her. She then had one last memory.

_Amanda was seated at her vanity and there was a knock at the door. She told them to come in. "Hey, how did you get in?" She asked surprised. "Nikki." He came over and placed his arms around her neck and kissed her on the crown of her head. Nate then rested his chin on top of her head and smiled. They both looked in the mirror at the first ever image they had of themselves together. Amanda remembered placing her hands over his which were still around her and smiled into the mirror. She then leaned up and kissed him. He knelt in front of her just holding onto her and they stayed like this for what seemed like forever or not long enough._

 Amanda clutched the journal tight in her grip then as the tears rolled and she reached up to wipe them away. She stood there for a moment longer and let the sun from the empty room warm her face. The memory faded and she walked slowly to the hall and closed the door on a part of her past.

     "Amanda!" She heard her mother call from outside. She was in the kitchen grabbing a piece of toast and her car keys. "Hang on!" She called. She had the journal and keys in her hand and the toast in her mouth. She opened the door and realized there was a grey BMW parked in the driveway behind Barry's car. There stood Casey already talking to her mother. "Hey." Amanda said to him not knowing what to say. "I suppose you know this guy?" Ruth asked smiling. "Yes, I do." She said smirking at him. Casey just looked at her and smiled. Ruth turned back to Casey. "So you work with her?" She asked. "Yeah, she's great." He commented. "Yeah she's ok." Ruth said sarcastically. "Well, we're going to meet Rory's dad and Barry so do you want to come? Barry went to help her dad load up all of Rory's crap." Amanda explained to Casey. Ruth couldn't quit smiling at her daughter's secret.

     Casey got back into his car and Ruth and Amanda got into her's. "Don't even ask mom." Amanda warned. Ruth just laughed. "He looks so familiar to me." Ruth commented. "Well, I'll be honest with you, I guess I can give you that much, he's Paul Langley's brother." Amanda told her. "You're serious?" Ruth said taken aback. "Yes, mom, we've really helped each other so to speak." Amanda explained. "I see." Ruth said not really knowing what to say. "I don't really know where it's going to go, we care about each other. I don't know if we're technically dating or friends, we enjoy each other’s company; he's really decent and nice. I have really gotten to know him over the last few months. Mom, he's great. Amanda said with a sigh. "He's older…a lot older." Ruth commented. "Mom, he's only nine years older than me." She explained to her. "That's a lot at your age." Ruth said concerned. "Mom, stop, please." Amanda warned her again. Ruth just leaned over and placed her hand on her leg. "I love you Amanda, you'll always be my little girl, he's just such a man, and I was having trouble getting used to the boys." Ruth said matter of fact. "You mean, boy." Amanda said subtly then. Amanda looked in her rearview and noticed Casey still following them. She smiled to herself.

    They got to Rory's and helped finish putting all the stuff in the truck. Amanda introduced Casey to everyone except Rory. Rory walked past her once and said to her whispering. "You are going to explain later, right?" "Yes." "Hey Casey!" Rory exclaimed. "I'm glad you could help us." She said to him. "Well, I knew you might need it." Casey said to her. He still took Rory's breath away to some extent at his resemblance to Paul. Rory just smiled and kept on unpacking. "So where's your man?" Amanda asked her when no one was around. "He had to work, thank you very much." She laughed. "He sells more cars on Saturday than any other day." She commented. "I'm just trying to give you shit." Amanda laughed. "Well, it looks to me you left your shit outside on the driveway." She laughed as they watched Casey nervously help Barry load Rory's chest of drawers in the truck. "Stop." Amanda laughed. "Rory I don't even know what the hell we are but do you think he's too old for me?" Amanda asked her. "No, age doesn't matter, I mean look how cute his butt looks in those sweats, are you gonna let age keep you from that?" Rory asked her trying to get her to laugh. Both girls started laughing and walked back outside.

   "What's so funny?" Casey asked Amanda. "Not a thing." Amanda said with her fingers crossed behind her back to where Rory could see them. Rory started laughing again. "Um hum." Casey said in a muffled tone still smiling at Amanda. She wanted to touch him but didn't dare in front of her parents.

     They finished getting everything moved into the apartment and were going to let the girls arrange the place only putting the heavy stuff where they wanted it. Gary, Ruth, Nikki and Barry had all gone home by about four o'clock. Rory went with Gary to return the truck and had left Amanda and Casey to themselves. Casey looked the apartment over. "It's really nice. Which room is yours?"   "The back one; I like the view from the window and Rory could care less about that stuff." "Well, I guess it's all yours." He said to her. Amanda opened up the door to the refrigerator and laughed at what little groceries they had brought with them. "We are going to have to go grocery shopping pronto." She explained. "Let me take you out to eat tonight." Casey offered her. "Well, or that will work. Rory has to be at work by six." She smiled at him. "Amanda come here." He called to her. She walked over to him. "What?" She asked him shyly. "I want to give you something." He stated still smiling. "Oh yeah?" She asked playfully. He grabbed her to him. She placed her head on his shoulder and put her arms around him. She closed her eyes and was more nervous at that moment than she had remembered being in a long time. He placed his hands on either side of her face. He looked at her then without smiling. She had her hands on his shoulders. "Casey, I don't know, maybe I don't know what I'm doing." She said wearily. "Let me in, Amanda." He whispered to her. He then began to kiss her. She couldn't begin to describe what felt like a million emotions going off all at once inside of her. She pulled him closer to her feeling his strength and how warm he was against her. He stopped kissing her and rested his forehead against hers with his eyes closed. "Give me a chance; just tell me you can give me that." He begged of her. "I can." She answered softly.  

    She dug her clothes out that she had already put away in her dresser and found a t-shirt and a pair of jeans that were clean. Casey left soon after Rory had gotten home. He hadn't kissed her again, they had just sat and talked about the apartment and what sounded good for dinner. After a quick shower, she dug in a plastic bag which contained her toiletries but was unable to locate her makeup. She dried and brushed through her hair as best she could with the brush from her purse. She knew she didn't look her best but she figured she'd have to do just the way she was until she got all of her stuff unpacked. Rory came and told her she was leaving for work and hugged her goodbye. Ten minutes later Casey was knocking at the door and Amanda hurriedly went to open it. "Hey, you better keep this thing locked." He advised her. "Yeah, Rory just left." She told him. "I hope I look alright." She said worried. Casey had showered and changed into a pair of jeans and a t-shirt. He was wearing a Cincinnati Reds baseball cap. She smiled at this, he looked adorable. "Hey I didn't think we'd go anywhere glamorous." He answered. She grabbed her purse and they walked to his car. She sat down and he opened and closed the door for her and she rummaged in her purse for her lip gloss. Casey had been so excited all day that this girl wanted to be with him. He had been attracted to her for so long. It was the first time in a long time it felt like he had something to look forward to.

     He got in and started the car and turned to her. "Hey you say you want Italian, well there's this great little place not far from the lake, and it’s not a dress up place or anything but the food is really good; it’s kind of a long drive but it’s really good. I thought about it once I got home." He explained to her. "Sounds good, whatever you want." She said to him. He reached over and grabbed her hand. She looked at his hand for a moment and for a brief second it looked transformed and she looked up at him and saw Nate driving. She shook her head and shrugged off the memory. "You ok?" He asked her. "Yeah, cold chill." She answered. "Casey, I don't know if I'm good for you or not." She said wearily. "Good for me, you're fucking excellent." He said laughing. She just smiled. They came to a red light and he turned to her again. "I want to take care of you; I don't know why Nate didn't want to. He and my brother were real screwed up and they have hurt many, many people, including you and Rory, and I'm not just attracted to you I feel some kind of obligation to treat and take care of you the best I can. I feel in ways that Nate would have not done what he did if it wasn't for my brother, call me crazy, but everything I have read or seen, or this feeling I have in my gut tells me this." He concluded. Amanda swallowed hard for she had shared the same feelings for a long time. "No, I know exactly what you are saying, but how could I tell you that?" She responded. "I know.” He said then taking off as the light had changed. "I have this guilty feeling, I look at all the devastation they have caused, I cry for the kids I knew and didn't know that were killed or injured and I see their parents and families faces and I feel guilty that maybe they planned the time to spare my life. It makes me feel horrible, because I'm not special, they were just as important as I was." She told him. "No one knows what the hell was really going through their minds. I want to see the damn tapes; I'm still searching for answers of sorts yah know?" He said to her. "I don't know if I could watch them." She answered looking off towards the distance. "I have a secret, I have begun keeping close track of all the latest developments due to my parent's pending lawsuits and they are still in debate over who will get to view the tapes, and it looks as though families of the victims and people like you who were close to the victims, well, you, I'm family, can apply for a special pass of some sort." He added. "I just don't know." Amanda said wearily. "If I ever get to view them I want you to be there." He said to her. "I know my dad will want to see them, but I don't see my mother wanting to." He said to her.

    They pulled up at the restaurant and walked across the parking lot hand in hand. Amanda was busy thinking about what they had just talked about. Would she really be able to watch Nate speaking and moving when he was still alive? It didn't seem real to be able to watch something like that, she thought to herself.

     The hostess finally seated them and Casey went over and pulled her chair out for her. "Wow, thank you sir." Amanda said coyly. "You're welcome." He answered her. "I would order us a nice bottle of wine, but..." He began. "Yeah, I know, but they don't… come on Casey they'll never know." Amanda urged him. She was in the mood for a drink. He ordered a bottle of red and they munched on breadsticks and drank it while they waited on their food to be prepared. "Amanda this is nice yah know?" He asked her. "Yeah, it is, I mean we eat together all the time, just not like this." She said smiling. He asked her point blank then, "What made you want to be with me all of a sudden, really?" "Oh gosh, you would ask me this. Casey, I love the attention you give me. I haven't known that in a long time, a very long time. The flowers didn't hurt either." She laughed. "You are attractive, and you are so attracted to me, you flattered the hell out of me. I have had thoughts and I guess I just wanted to see. You are one of my dearest friends; we share the same pain, the same taste in food, the same sense of humor and a general respect for where we are both at right now, if that makes any sense."   “People will talk the more that find out. We have met under the absolute worst circumstances.” “But people aren't going to care forever." She added. He sat there for a moment taking in all that she had just explained to him. “Why do you ask?” "I guess I just want us to be together for the right reasons, for our own reasons, not because of what happened." He said to her. "Casey, I am with you for my own reasons. I'm with you because I want to be with you, and that's my reason." She answered sincerely. He just smiled at her. "Thanks." He said softly. He did worry though; he didn't want people thinking any worse about her than they already did. He thought for a second and then changed the subject. "I know you didn't go ahead and get your GED last winter are you going to this January?" "Yeah, in fact I'm already enrolled. I just don't think I was ready at the beginning of the year, I had the job, I had a lot on my mind and I needed a break from anything that had to do with school." She stated. Casey understood. "So how are your parents?" She asked him. "You haven't mentioned them in a couple of weeks." She commented. "They are beginning to finally live again." "Mom is getting back in the craft thing, and the neighbors have been great in letting them join in on the meetings again, the homeowner's association things and dad is working part-time from home doing copy editing for a Christian based publication paper of sorts. I guess it was something he did once when he was younger, in college. They still don't go into Paul's room. It kind of makes me feel weird that there's this whole life behind that door and they have just shut it out instead of going through it and getting on with it. You know, you're going to think I'm crazy, but sometimes I could've sworn that Paul was there watching me maybe even laughing at me." Casey added. "You know, I feel the same about Nate sometimes." Amanda stated. Casey took a minute after what she said. "Amanda do you think you'll ever get over him?" He asked her seriously. "I think I do a little more every day. I mean it's been over a year now." She explained. "Yeah, but do you think you'll ever be over him enough to trust someone and let them love you?" He asked her. She laid her breadstick down. "I'm sure going to try." She answered softly. "I will be honest, it's going to take me some time, some time to trust someone enough to love them and for me to feel comfortable with them loving me. I was betrayed in the worst way possible. He left me, and instead of getting options, I'm left to find all of these damn clues and realize that the person I loved may not have been the person I loved." She said. Casey just looked at her for a moment and couldn’t believe a girl of her age having this much insight into what had happened to her. He reached for her hand and squeezed it softly. "That's all I need to know." He admitted

   Casey had taken her home and walked her to the door and gave her a quick kiss and told her goodnight. He called her when he got home and they talked until he was too tired to be conversational. She hung the phone up and grabbed the journal out of the box she had placed in the closet of her new bedroom. She had found the prom picture of them when she was packing and had placed it in the book. She looked at it for a moment. She looked at how happy Nate seemed. She quickly put it back when she felt tears coming up in her. She opened up the journal to the next entry.

 

_November 26, 1996 Thursday (Thanksgiving Day)_

_Hey there it's turkey day! Really who gives a shit? The only thing I care about is that I don't have to be in that shithole for four whole damn days! Grandma's turkey was awesome though. I can't believe Christmas is coming. I never liked it very much. Mom and dad got into a big fight in the car on the way down to Grandma's. Beau was taking a nap and I had my headphones on and was almost asleep myself. The fight was about dad not taking the new highway and making mistakes and I swear they don't give a shit what they say in front of us anymore. Mom called him an asshole. Beau was lying next to me and he just woke up and cried where they couldn't hear him. Dad told mom he hated her. I have never heard dad say he hated anything, especially her. This made my heart hurt. I felt like it was going to burst or something. I felt as if he had said it to me.   Mom just started crying and asked him why he said that to her. I wanted to punch him. He never answered her. Did he hate her when she was pregnant with us? How can you love someone enough to marry them and have children with them and then hate them? Mom has never done anything to him. She's always worried about making him happy. I don't know why she cares so much. I wish I had Paul's parents. I love my brother. He's just little but he's cool, he thinks I am really cool, hell at least someone does. Me and Chris went out last Saturday and went bowling and had a pretty cool time. I found out that he and Amanda aren't together, that was cool, thought I don't know why I give a shit. Paul got mad at me because I hadn't asked him to go and gave me a lecture about being someone's friend. He can be such an asshole at times!!! I told him he wasn't my fucking mother and hung up on his fucking ass. He'll calm down, he always does. I think maybe they need to rethink the medication he's on. Sometimes I really feel for him. He'll be on that shit till he's dead. I'll get mad at him and mom will remind me that I just need to overlook some of it, due to his mental situation, but I have never really heard anyone say what is wrong with him, and he doesn't talk about it. He really keeps that shit to himself. I saw my cousin at my grandma's and he was bragging about some really hot babe he was supposedly bagging and I lied to him and told him Amanda was my girlfriend. I don't know if he believed me and I don't give a shit. In my head sometimes it's true. Ha! There are some nights she is right there, believe me! Change of subject!!! I saw this thing on television about suicide. It made me feel really weird because I actually think about it more than the average person. Sometimes I just want to go to sleep and not wake up. If I was to kill myself I wouldn't want it to be painful, that's stupid. I have thought that maybe I would use a gun, for it would be quick. I wonder if you hear the blast. I wonder how long are you technically alive. I have heard that when a person is decapitated, they can actually see their body for a few seconds. That thought is crazy! I don't know why I think about death so much, but I think about it every single day. Paul talks about it constantly and has many questions about it. He told me once he wanted to do it just to see if you go to hell or not when he got bored. He is so fucked up. I don't understand why I am here sometimes. I mean what is this, or are these normal questions? If my dad never loved my mother, does that make me and Beau bastards? Nate. P.S. Sorry I haven't written in so long, have been busy with school stuff._

Amanda laid the journal on the floor and felt sorry for Nate. She cried and started talking to him as she had on her walks. She was also a little nervous being in the new apartment by herself, for Rory had not gotten home from work yet. "Oh my sweetheart. Why didn't anyone see what kind of pain you were in? Why didn't I? I'm so sorry.” She said as she heard the knob to the door jiggle a bit as Rory unlocked it. Rory walked right back to her room. "Hey chickie, my bed is not together yet, I'm sleeping with you. Don't tell me you have been crying." Rory warned her. Amanda just smiled at her. "I'm ok." Rory got ready for bed and came and laid next to her. "Isn't this the best?" She asked Amanda. "Yeah, it is." Amanda answered quietly. "How wvas your dinner?" "It was great." Amanda answered. "Casey is the most wonderful man, I swear." Amanda said blushing. "Oh what is that? Is that Mr. Happiness, now we haven't seen him in a while, not like this anyway?" Rory laughed. "Does he make you horny?" Rory asked her laughing. "Oh my god you ass!" Amanda laughed. "Oh, so there's potential. I think an endless night of sweaty sex and a few orgasms would serve you well." Rory stated. "I haven't thought about sex in a very long time." Amanda said seriously then. "Have you ever had really good sex?" Rory asked her. "Chris was ok, I guess, neither one of us knew what the hell we were doing!" Amanda laughed recalling the times with him. "Nate?" Rory asked her. "You know Nate was different." She said quietly. "I'm glad everyone only thinks you did it once." Rory stated. "That was all they needed to know. It was enough to have to tell complete strangers that I had even slept with him at all. He never even told Paul really about us sleeping together, how it was, or how many times. I loved making love to him. The first time was the best when I snuck into his house that night." Amanda recalled. “It got better every time and there was this thing between us, it was beautiful. I would like to have that again you know." Amanda said honestly to her friend. "I know sweetie, you will." Rory said affectionately as she played with a strand of Amanda's hair. Amanda told her about the date and Rory told her how her and her boyfriend had had a fight and they eventually talked each other to sleep.

 

   Casey awoke the next day to a new feeling. He couldn't get Amanda off of his mind. He felt exhilarated and had a new found energy. He wanted to go out and do something, have fun, get enlightened. He had never felt this way with Tasha. He couldn't remember ever feeling this way about anything. He looked at the clock and realized it was almost nine o'clock. He knew he and Amanda had been on the phone pretty late, but he didn't feel the least bit tired. He reached over and grabbed the phone which was on his nightstand. When he finally decided on a place of his own, he had found a spacious loft apartment that was arranged like a studio. He had collected art from California and had decorated the place pretty tastefully for a bachelor.

 

   He let it ring three or four times and Rory answered it. "Hello?" She answered groggily. "Hey Rory, is Amanda there?" He asked her. "Hey do you know what time it is?" She asked him with a slight chuckle. "I'm sorry Rory, I know you work late, can I speak to her?" He sounded urgent. "Hang on, Romeo." She said jokingly. She gently nudged Amanda. "Hey it's Mr. Langley, do you want him?" Amanda looked up from where her head was buried in the pillow. "You know I do." She whispered. She rolled over on her back and grabbed the phone. "Good morning." She said. "Hey what are you doing for breakfast?" He asked her. "Cereal." She answered. "How does IHOP sound?" He asked her. "Pretty good, but I only have until eleven." She reminded him. "Oh yeah, it's Sunday, I forgot about Chris." He had to wonder what the relationship between them now was. He wasn't daring going to impose knowing that both of them had been close to Nate and Paul. He knew that their friendship now was an important part of their healing, as his was with his parents. "So when are you going to be here?" She asked him. "Uh, give me thirty." "Ok." She said. "See yah." And with that she hung up the phone. She lay there for a moment and woke herself up and turned the alarm off which she had set for nine thirty. "You know this guy is in love with you, right?" Rory asked of her. "No he's not, he likes me and I like him, that's all." Amanda assured her. "Ok, whatever!" Rory laughed. "Can't you tell by the way he looks at you, he is completely sprung, Jesus Christ, how can you be so blind Amanda?" Rory exclaimed. "Does he look at me like Nate did?" She asked her seriously.   "I don't really remember how Nate looked at you." Rory admitted. "I do." Amanda said quietly. "Well, Amanda in case you haven't noticed Nate isn't coming back any time soon. I'm sorry to be the bitch here, but you need to open your eyes a little wider and realize there is a whole lot going on here. Casey loves you and unless you move dead guy out of your heart, you’re going to miss out on the best thing that has possibly ever happened to you!" She concluded. "He's not just some dead guy, why are you talking to me like this?" Amanda screamed. Rory took a minute without looking at her. "Because I'm tired of seeing you hurt and compare every feeling, every memory, every new experience to the ones you had with Nate!" Rory exclaimed. "Well, what about this stuff with Paul?" Amanda asked her directly. "What about it, Paul was Paul, he decided to kill himself, so obviously he didn't give a shit about anyone but himself now did he? He didn't give a shit for his parents, or his friends, or even Nate." Rory answered agitated. "And we know how he felt about Casey." She added. "You have to look at the facts, Amanda, if Nate really wanted to be with you and have this "future" with you; why in the hell would he go and blow his fucking brains out?" "He did love me, he was just sick and confused, but what we had was real, Rory. I promise you that." Amanda said quietly. "Ok, maybe he did love you, but did he love you with the kind of love that made him want to get some help, did he ever ask you for help? If he loved you as much as you loved him, he would have wanted to be better to stick around to be with you, Amanda. Casey is excited to be with you, you make him happy, not just as a front, but you really make him happy, I can see it all over his face." Rory finished. "I have to go shower." Amanda said then changing the subject. "I'm just saying this because I love you, stop comparing Casey to Nate, they are not the same people and they are going to love you different, but I can guarantee, Casey is going to love you better." She added. "I'm not ready for love." Amanda stated matter of fact. With that Rory rolled over and put a pillow over her head, knowing the conversation was over. "Well, when you get home, we need to get the rest of this crap unpacked and go to the friggin grocery store!” She yelled in the direction of the bathroom.

    Amanda finished getting ready and was glad Rory had fallen back asleep for she was still a little upset with her over their conversation. Casey knocked on the door and Amanda opened it. "Good morning beautiful." He said to her. She stood there dressed in her jean shorts and her t-shirt with the spaghetti straps. She wore her sandals and she had done her nails in clear coat. She put on makeup and had her hair in a small clip. "You look so good." Casey said to her. "Thank you." She said coolly as she grabbed her purse. They walked to the car without speaking and without holding hands. After they came to the second red light without saying anything, Casey looked at her and asked, "Are you alright?" "I'm ok, I'll be fine." She answered shortly. "Does this have anything with you going and seeing Chris, I was going to take you by the way." He said to her. "You can't come in." She answered him as if she was warning him. "I know that, Amanda, I just thought I would drive you there and wait; I know you can't visit with him very long." He responded. "Did I do something; did I cross some invisible line here? I thought everything was fine last night." He said trying to get her to respond. "Everything is fine." She tried to assure him. He kind of snickered. "No, Amanda, it's not." He said to her. The light turned green. "I don't want to talk about it, it's just a conversation I had with Rory." She admitted. "Ok, I'm sorry." He said. "It was about love and Nate being dead and a whole bunch of other bullshit." She said trailing off. "Well…he is dead." Casey said to her. Amanda sighed heavily. "Why does everyone not think that I know this?" She said raising her voice at him. "I know this! It doesn't stop the fact that I cared, that I still care." She explained. "Well hell I know you'll always care about him, Amanda, no one is telling you not to care! I don't know what I'm saying really." He said then. "Good, just don't say anything." She said to him hatefully. Casey had never seen her like this and it worried him. They got to the restaurant and he turned the car off. "Look, if you're not ready for this, then that's ok… ok?" He said looking at her. "I don't think I am." She said wearily. Casey felt as if a great weight had just been placed on his chest. He looked off towards the distance. He had been so optimistic about what was beginning between them and now it seemed that it had just been crushed in front of him.

    They ate breakfast and it was an awkward situation for both of them. He drove her downtown as promised and before she got out she turned to him, "I can call a cab, or Rory, you don't have to wait." "No, I'm your friend above everything, I'll wait." He responded. "I'll be back." She said to him as she got out of the car. He watched her walk across the parking lot from his rear view mirror. He sunk down in the seat after she went inside the building. He wondered then if his life was just going to be one disappointment after another. He thought of Emily then. He recalled the blow of finding out that she wasn't his, even though sometimes it still felt like she was.

     Amanda went through her usual routine, but this time Chris was waiting for her right outside the gate. "Hey." She said as she went to hug him. "I don't know if you'll ever know how much I love this." Chris said to her. "As much as I do." She laughed. "I moved out on my own this weekend, yesterday." She told him. "Hey, that's cool, in the city?" He asked her. "Yeah, on fourth." She said. "I can't wait till I get out of here, I'll be home for a while, but I don't plan on that for long." He stated. "I missed you this week, I was going to call, but I haven't really gotten a chance, the shit they been having us do, like cleaning different city parks and crap, hell, I'm beat and go right to sleep after dinner." He said with a sigh. "I missed you too, I'll write down the number on the paper before I leave so you'll have it." Rory got the phone turned on before we moved in." She explained. "So I guess you two are living together?" He asked her. "Oh, yeah, you know me and her will always be friends." She stated. They walked over to a bench on the side of the building and sat in silence for a moment. Chris offered her a cigarette. "Paul's brother brought me here." She said to him. "Casey? The asshole?" Chris looked at her curiously. "You must explain this one." He said smiling. "He's my boss at work, he came back to live here for many different reasons, not just the obvious. He didn't know me until he hired me, we sort of have this thing, well we did for, like, a minute, and we are really good friends, and he's not an asshole." She stated. "He used to make fun of Paul something fierce." Chris said to her. "One time, when Paul went to California with his parents to see him he tried to convince Margaret and Bill that Paul was on dope." Chris laughed. "Paul told me about it." "Well, Paul was on dope, just because he had a prescription for it doesn't mean anything." Amanda said matter of fact. "I agree." "I guess it doesn't matter, he hated you, too." Chris said to her. "He hated that you spent so much time with his boyfriend." Chris laughed. "They weren't gay!" Amanda exclaimed. "I don't think Nate was, but sometimes I wonder if Paul knew that, their relationship was strange." Chris recalled. Amanda couldn't disagree entirely. "He always treated me different when Paul was around." Amanda stated. "I think Nate was scared of him.” Chris said seriously then. Amanda just sat there in silence taking in what he had just told her. She had never really thought about it like that, but she did remember Nate jumping up and doing whatever Paul wanted and sometimes when she stood in the way of that, Paul would become furious. "I don't know, I just know that I need to get some of the truth out there." She began. "You mean do an interview or something?" He asked her curiously. "Yes." She answered looking straight at him. "Chris, you remember what that school was like, you know what they went through every day." She exclaimed. "They will hang you, Amanda, they are the evil, not anyone who may or may not have been cruel to them. I warn you don't do this, you will be hated." He said worried for her then. "No one will understand, no one cares about your pain, your boyfriend was a cold blooded killer who took innocent lives, and they will absolutely burn you!" He said loudly. "You know for a long time they thought every single one of us were in on it, you know that! Oh geez Amanda don't do this! All of us who were friends with them are guilty, it has been that way since it happened, they will never see it any other way." He added. "I don't care, I want to do just one and I'm not going to feel right about anything until I do this, Chris." She said seriously shaking her head. "You better be ready for the repercussions. That's all I will say to you. You laid with a murderer who shot down innocent children in the prime of their youth, remember that. Because of your boyfriend, some parents won't have grandchildren, sisters don't have brothers, and vice versa. You are nowhere near a martyr....they are. Don't ever forget that." He concluded with a slight laugh. "But they had families too; they had little brothers, and parents and fears and dreams, too." She said softly looking at her feet. Chris walked over to her. "I know, Amanda, I know they did, but that doesn't change anything, they hate their families, they blame them, you know all of this." He said as he put his arms around her. "So is Casey like waiting on you or something?" He asked her. "Yeah, he's out in the parking lot across the street." She waited a moment before saying anything else. "He's in love with me." She said to him. "Are you sure?" Chris asked her. "Yes, I'm sure." She said wanting to cry. "Well, is he decent and everything that you need or want?" He asked her smiling. "Yes." She answered as the tears began to fall down her cheeks. She reached up with her bare hand to wipe them away. "There's just one problem." She said quietly as Chris lit a cigarette. "Yeah?" He asked her, not quite believing what he was hearing. "I think I might love him too. I just can't do that; it was too fast, it's not right. I can't love anyone else....yet." She stated. "Amanda can you hear yourself?" Chris asked her laughing. "I know what it's like to be crazy about you, I always have been, and that’s never changed. It drove me crazy when you and Nate were together, but I just figured if that's how it was, then that's how it was." He explained. "Don't drive him away like that." He warned her. "I'm just not ready; I'm not ready for the pain." She said crying again. "How do you know there will be pain?" He asked her. "Because that's what love is about, it's never really yours, and there's pain." She answered him. "Oh Amanda get some help, you need it, do this interview if you think it will help you. Heck, who knows, maybe it will." He finished just as their visiting time was called. She went over to him to hug him one more time. She laughed then through her tears. "You’re still crazy about me?" She asked jokingly. He pulled away from her and began walking backwards towards the front of the building. "Yeah." He finally answered before turning and disappearing around the corner.

    She walked towards Casey's car and she could see him waiting there for her. She knew he was watching her. She knew it wasn't right to have hurt him the way she did. He was a good man and deserved someone who wasn't so screwed up. She came up to the passenger side and got in the car. "Well how did it go?" He asked her starting the car. "It was good." She answered quietly. "Why are you crying?" He asked looking at her face. "Just talking about stuff." She answered. “I thought while you were in there, you don’t need to be alone today." He said then. "Why?" She asked him puzzled. "Because I'm not going to take you back to the apartment until you admit you really want to be with me. Amanda I have waited for too damn long for something this good to come into my life, I'm not going to lose it, even if it means driving you absolutely crazy." Amanda knew he was completely serious yet she couldn't believe what she was hearing. "I know you have a lot of shit to get over and feel and whatever, but let me be by your side while you do it, I want to, please?" He asked her placing his hand on her knee. She knew she couldn't deny him, yet she felt guilty for letting him feel this way about her. "Casey I come with so much baggage, you don't want it, believe me. I'm still in love with someone else." She argued. He took a minute before he answered her. "No, you're in love with a memory, Amanda." She knew there was no more arguing, because no matter how pathetic it was, he was right. She just sat back then and rolled the window down, letting the summer breeze blow over her face not saying another word.

   They drove until they reached the Langley residence. "What's this?" She asked him. She hadn't been here in what seemed an eternity. He walked around to the passenger side door. "It's a house the last time I checked and today it is where I'm eating lunch." He said to her. "Be my guest, ok?" He said reaching out to her with his hand. She took it and got out of the car herself.

   They walked to the door and Casey opened it. "Hey it's just me!" He yelled through the front hall. Amanda looked around and couldn't believe not a thing had changed since she had last been inside the home. She knew Margaret would recognize her. She had only seen her once, briefly since the shooting. They walked on into the living room and she saw Margaret in the kitchen basting a ham. "Hey sweetie, give me a minute, your dad is out back." She called. Amanda looked around at the pictures of Casey when he was younger and there was one of him holding Paul when Paul was a baby. On the wall above the couch there was a family portrait taken when Casey was twelve and Paul was three. Paul looked so adorable it made Amanda smile. His big blue eyes, platinum hair and dimples hid the future pain he would have and would cause. She looked back into the kitchen, wondering then if Margaret would recognize her. She wondered how much of the news coverage she had watched since it had happened. Had Janice ever mentioned her? She thought about these things as she watched her cook. Casey was going through the TV guide.

    The back door opened and Bill stepped in the house wiping off his brow. "It's too damn wet to mow, I'm gonna finish up tonight." He explained. "Hey Casey, what you been up to lately, how's work?" He asked him before he noticed Amanda. Bill then turned all the way around and saw her. "Well, you should’ve said you had someone with you." He said. "Dad, this is Amanda, we work together, she's a good friend of mine." He introduced her to Bill. Bill reached out and shook her hand. "Nice to meet you, Amanda." He said politely. Margaret turned then and looked at her. She walked into the living room. "Amanda Beckwith?" She asked her. "Yes, ma'am." Amanda said hesitantly. Bill sat there in shock remembering the name from Paul's journal. "You were Nate's girlfriend?" She asked her. "Was." She quietly answered. "Oh you poor thing. Janice told me about you, she said you were really sweet." Margaret added. "Are you ok?" She asked Amanda. "Well, I wasn't but I'm getting better. I am better." She said to her. "I didn't know who she was until after I hired her, she's great around the office. Caught on real quick and we became good friends due to the obvious." Casey stated. "Well, I'm glad to hear that." Bill said to them. "I guess none of us will ever really understand it." Bill added. Amanda just nodded her head in agreement. "I'm trying." She said honestly to him and Margaret. "We all are, I'm glad you are doing ok." She said to Amanda. "Thank you." Amanda said. "Honestly I didn't know how you would feel if you knew who I was." She said to Margaret. "Janice told me you have been a trooper and real good to her." Margaret said. "Janice was good to me and she didn't have to be, I was just his girlfriend." Amanda stated. "Well, I hope you like Ham and mashed potatoes and all that comes with it." Margaret said. "Sounds wonderful." Amanda said smiling. "Would you like to come help me?" She asked her. "Sure." Amanda said getting up and going into the kitchen with her. Margaret got her alone in the kitchen and began to talk to her as she cooked. "Janice called me; you know she lives in Columbus now?" "Yeah, she gave me a few more of Nate's things before they left." Amanda told her. "Nate was always a nice boy; he was the only real friend Paul ever had. Amanda I know my son had problems, no one has to tell me that, I just wanted you to know that I don't hold grudges against anyone because of anything that has happened. I loved him more than anything, but the heartbreak he caused us is insurmountable. You all were just kids." Margaret continued. "How have you been?" She asked her again. "Well, I moved out on my own, well with my friend, Rory. It's a cute little place, we split the rent and bills, and it's not far from the firm, it's nice to not live at home." Amanda explained. "I'm going back to school in January to get my GED because I didn't exactly finish. Amanda was trying to fill in the gaps for her since she no longer had Paul to talk to. "I read a letter Rory sent to Paul a couple days after it happened. She really cared for him. That meant a lot for me to read it." Amanda knew then that Casey had been wrong about his dad reading the letter. "I keep telling myself I have to go in that room and clear it out or something, but I just can't; maybe someday, just not now. I know it drives Casey just mad. I really feel for him, he was never really close to Paul, I knew I had them too far apart, I always felt that anyway." She explained to Amanda. "I don't think that's it, I just think if two people are going to be close they are going to be close and if they are not then they are not." Amanda said reassuringly. "True." Margaret added.

     Margaret handed her some plates and she went and sat them on the table. She still felt a bit awkward and she knew they were probably curious about her and Casey's relationship. The thing was Amanda wasn't sure at the moment where they stood. "Hey you guys come on and eat." Margaret called from the kitchen. The four of them sat there and ate though Casey explained to Margaret that they had ate not too long beforehand, and they talked about the firm and Margaret talked about the craft show she was working the next weekend and they talked about nothing in particular and Amanda started to feel more at ease. They had coffee and some of Margaret's strawberry rhubarb pie a couple hours later and Casey announced that he should probably get Amanda home. Margaret stopped her before they made it out of the door, giving her the leftover pie and telling her to keep in touch, that it was nice to see some of Paul's friends. Amanda thanked her profusely and was happy that she had gone with Casey. They got into the car and drove awhile before either one of them spoke. "See that wasn't so bad." Casey said with a smile. "It was really weird for me at first." "It's been quite a while since I have been in that house. What do you think Nate and Paul would say if they saw us now?" She asked him. "They do see us, Amanda; they are there all the time. I feel Paul every time I'm in that house." He stated seriously. "I felt that way when I was over at Nate's the last time with Janice." Amanda said. "I really feel sorry for your parents and for all the parents." Amanda said then. "I know; I do too." He answered. "I thought some more and I guess if you're not ready, you are not ready, I'm sorry I pushed you so fast." He said to her. "You didn't push me too fast; I just need to learn to trust again." She admitted. "You can trust me, Amanda." He said to her. "I love being with you, and I don't want that to end, I would give anything to kiss you and hold you again. I'm sorry, but it's just how I feel." Amanda started crying and admitted she wanted that too. "I'm sorry about this morning, it's just Rory said a lot of things I wasn't ready to hear, they were true things, though." She said. "Amanda you have to stop crying, there is nothing sad here, I have nothing to offer you but happiness, I promise, I'm not saying that we won't have our problems like every couple, I won't ever leave, Amanda, I will never do that to you." He stated firmly. "I know you wouldn't." She said then smiling at him. He pulled off to the side of the highway and put the car in park. He grabbed her to him and kissed her on the cheek. "I know this will sound pathetic but please before you decide to let me go, give me a chance." She turned to him and flung her arms around his neck and kissed him on the forehead. "I will, I want to, I really need this." She admitted. "I know, I need you too. Don't ever do that to me again unless you have a good reason." He said jokingly. He then leaned in and gave her the most wonderful kiss. They stayed there kissing for minutes and he laughed. "I guess we better get off the side of the highway." Amanda felt like she was high. She had never been kissed quite like that before. She wasn't sure if it was because he was older or she had feelings for him that she wasn't aware of until now. She still couldn't help but think of Nate and what he must be feeling if he in fact, could see her.

    She got home exhilarated. "Well, hello there sunshine." Rory joked. She was sitting on the couch with Chad her boyfriend. "Hey you guys." She said. "Yeah, thanks for helping me unpack and stuff." Rory said sarcastically. "I'm sorry I didn't know that Casey was going to kidnap me." She laughed. Amanda didn't tell her where she had been, she figured it wasn't a good time to do so. "Chad hooked the tele up and it's amazing." Rory stated. "Thank you Chad." Amanda said. Amanda walked over to where they were sitting. "By the way, I'm Amanda." She said introducing herself to him. "Hey glad to meet you." He said shaking her hand. "She's a bit of a basket case but we love her." Rory joked with her. "I'm getting a shower." Amanda said leaving them to themselves. As soon as she had dried off and put her night shirt on she went and grabbed the journal.

 

_December 5, 1996 Saturday_

_Last night I spent the night with Paul. His mom cooked chicken Alfredo, it was freaking awesome. I wish Christmas would hurry up and be over with. I don't understand everyone’s infatuation with it, it's so commercial and stupid. Well I did it, I wrote a note and asked Skyla out and she said she wanted to and that she liked me but her parents didn't let her date yet. I told Paul and he just made fun of me. I'm not going to ask her out again. I think it’s cool thought that a girl actually likes me. We both went and shot off pipe bombs last night. We snuck out of Paul's house. It was cold but it was so much fun. Someone called the cops, we heard them coming but we got back into his house before they got there. We also took his bb gun he has and we were shooting at shit. He was trying to hit birds but I don't think he ever hit one. We smoked almost a whole pack of cigarettes between us and talked about which girls we thought probably fucked their boyfriends. I was laughing my ass off, Paul is so demented. He talks about how bad he wants to get laid. He told me about this one time when he had the bedroom across from Casey's before the basement was his, and his parents were out of town and Casey was supposed to be there watching him. He said Casey had some girl over and he set up a mirror and watched them have sex. I told him he was sick but he just laughed about it. He said he was probably like ten or so. It was before Casey moved to California. Paul is my best friend. He pisses me off, but I don't know what I would do without him. Sometimes he's the only thing that keeps me sane. He is the only person sometimes I feel that knows how I feel because he feels the same way. I know he can be a little crazy at times, but there's a great person in there inside of him. Amanda didn't eat lunch with us. I think she’s mad at Chris or something; she ate with some really preppy girls. I just stared at her. I missed her sitting with us. I like to be near her whenever I can. Chris said something that she thinks she's better than us because she's friends with some of the preps. I wasn't really listening. Well, I guess I better call Paul and see if he's coming over or not. Nate._

She closed the journal and thought about Casey, and how two brothers could be so different. She reached over and picked up her phone on the nightstand. She dialed his number. "Hello?" Casey groggily answered. "I'm sorry, did I wake you up?" She asked. "Yeah, I was watching TV and I guess I kind of just dozed off." He said to her. "Well, I'll let you go then, I just wanted to call and tell you how much I appreciated today and I'm glad you didn't give in to my mood swing." She explained to him. "Don't worry about it, and don't ever let me go, let's see where this takes us, ok kid?" He said then. She hesitated a bit. "Ok." She said softly. "Go to bed early, get some sleep." He told her. "Ok, I will, see you in the morning then." And she hung up the phone. She laid there though half of the night thinking about things she would like to do and show him, and places she thought he would enjoy and that's when it donned on her she was actually excited about her future. She wondered then, just how long had it been since she had felt this way. She realized she couldn't remember.

    "When I say your name you are going to speak clearly into the recorder, Ok, like this." As Rebecca Hain, an investigative reporter for the Cincinnati Herald directed her. Amanda was nervous. She could feel beads of sweat starting at her brow. She tapped her right foot in anticipation of the questions that Rebecca might ask her. She had gone over answers in her head a million times and thought about just how she was going to answer some of those questions. Rebecca was nice to her, but didn't show much emotion, period. Casey had informed her that she had been the lead journalist for the Herald since the tragedy. She wrote straightforward articles and updates on the investigation without pointing blame, yet just told it like it was. Amanda had respected her for this so this is why she had chosen her to be the recipient of her interview.  Rebecca had waited months to talk to her, eighteen months to be exact. "Amanda are you ready?" Rebecca asked her. Rebecca had given her a week to prepare, and she was ready. Rebecca began speaking into the microphone herself. There were three other journalists in the room and other staff looking in the windows. They were all curious as to what a cold blooded killer's girlfriend and lover must look and act like. "I'm here with Amanda Beckwith, girlfriend to Nathaniel Durham, one of the two gunmen at Westvale High school who helped murder and injure over forty people, May seventeenth, nineteen ninety nine.   Nathaniel had many friends but none were closer to him than her. She has gladly offered to answer some of our questions and tell her own personal story of what life has been to be the ex-girlfriend of such a notorious killer Nathaniel Durham, who, with Paul Langley planned and executed one of the most deadly school shootings in American History. So Amanda, what kind of person was Nathaniel?" She asked her first. "Well, he didn't really have as many friends as some have made it sound. He and Paul had met in middle school and became fast friends. They were inseparable." Amanda continued. "I met Nathaniel or, Nate, as I called him in tenth grade at Westvale High school. He was awkward and a little shy, but most boys were his age, especially around girls. He was always polite and treated his friends with respect. He was the guy who would always help you, or would lend you paper or a pen. I never saw him be mean to anybody. He and Paul got made fun of a lot because they were smarter or dressed funny and were different than other kids, but they weren't the only ones. Nate was smart and gentle and in general loved school. He loved his mother and little brother." Amanda concluded.   "So when was it that you two started seeing one another?" Rebecca asked her. "Uh, it was towards the beginning of our junior year, and we were kind of off and on until that winter.  There was a lot of usual teenage arguments and stuff; teenage drama." Amanda smiled. "You also dated Chris Wilson who is still on probation for illegal firearm distribution to a minor, isn't that right?" Amanda wondered how they knew so much about her life then. "Uh, yeah for a little while in the summer after our sophomore year. Chris had no idea of what they were planning, none of us did." She said gravely. "Chris would've never sold the guns to them if he would've known what they were going to do with them." Amanda explained. "Yes, but in Ohio it is a felony offense to sell firearms to a minor." Rebecca stated firmly. "Kids do stupid things without thinking, I have spoken to Chris and I know for a fact he feels absolutely horrible for what happened, we both lost friends and acquaintances in the incident." Amanda retorted. She knew that Rebecca would probably be a little tough on her. "What was it that attracted you to Nate?" Rebecca asked her changing the subject. "His personality and his attitude. He loved to talk and share his views and he was smart and interesting and I thought it was great that he could help me with my homework." Amanda recalled smiling. "What do you feel led him to do the horrible things he did?" Amanda had taken a deep breath; she had waited a long time to tell her side as to why it had happened. Amanda began, "Westvale was a tough school in some regards. You either fit in or you didn't. I know for a fact they would on occasion have glass bottles thrown at them for no apparent reason, Paul was chased, spit at, and cussed at, made fun of and beat up on a regular basis. He was often depressed and when he went to try and get help from the faculty they would simply turn a deaf ear. I know Paul had 'problems' but the bullying he endured didn't help. There were many kids who felt this way and were treated this way. When the school shooting in Arkansas happened people joked and said we were a prime target for it, that we were probably next. I am not trying to make excuses for them I just wish more students at that school would step forward and tell what the atmosphere was really like there. The torture needs to end. Just because someone may be different or smarter does that mean they are a target? Isn't there something in the Bible about treating your neighbor as you would want to be treated?" Amanda couldn't believe she was on a roll. "Don't get me wrong, Westvale was a good school but it helped in many ways, to create what Nate and Paul became." She added. "How did you deal with what happened, many people have stated that you were aware of the impending tragedy and thought you should have been investigated closer. Amanda was furious. "If I would have had any inkling of what Nate and Paul were capable of I would've done anything to stop it, any of their friends would have. I loved Nate, I didn't want him to die, and furthermore I had nothing to do with the massacre. Like I said before, I lost friends, also." She said sharply. "Do you think Nate planned the time as to where you wouldn't be in the building?" Rebecca asked her smiling. Amanda couldn't believe it, she was smiling. "I don't know. I don't know what was going through his mind. He was severely depressed but was a great actor, no one knew, we will never know why they did anything they did, and I believe that was one of the reasons they committed suicide was to make sure no one got answers. The thought that they spared my life has haunted me. I feel a great guilt in my heart every day and have for nearly two years now at the thought of it all. I want to make it clear that I have a great remorse for who all have suffered in this tragedy. I miss Nate, I miss my friends, and I miss having a life without all of this, as we all, that have been directly affected does. I don't have any more answers than anyone else does." She added. "How has your life been since then?" Rebecca inquired. "It has been a very difficult road; it was almost like recovering from and addiction of some sort. I had to find a new life and start over. I have had to grieve and overcome the almost unbearable grief of the tragedy and losing my first love. It gets easier every day but it’s a slow process." Amanda finished. "Do you have anyone special in your life now?" Amanda couldn’t believe she was asking this. "Yes, and he is a wonderful. He has helped me immensely. That is all I will say about him." She concluded. Rebecca reached over and turned off the tape recorder. "Thank you Amanda you're free to go. I'll be getting in touch with you to tell you when I'm done writing the article with the interview included." She explained. "Ok, it was nice to meet you." Amanda and her shook hands and Amanda walked down the long hallway amid the stares and whispers.

    She was almost to the elevator when she was stopped by a woman's voice. "Amanda." A woman called from behind her. Amanda turned to see a petite, pregnant woman trying to get her attention. She walked up to her. "I know who you are." She said to her. "Ok, who am I?" Amanda asked expecting the woman to belittle her. "You're Nate's girlfriend. All those things you said about him were true and I know it." She said to her. The woman stepped in the elevator with her and introduced herself. "I'm sorry, my name is Michelle. I was listening to your interview right outside of the door of the room." They were treated like crap. I was Paul's girlfriend." She added. "The Michelle?" Amanda asked. "I didn't even know you actually existed." Amanda told her. Michelle laughed. "I guess we are kind of the widow's club, huh? How are Paul's parents, I have often wondered about that." Michelle asked. "They could be better, could be worse. Nate's got divorced and his mom is living in Columbus with her sister, she and Beau are." Amanda told her. The elevator came to a stop at the ground floor. Michelle grabbed her hand. "Nate was a sweetheart, Paul was confused but I cared deeply for him, I still miss him sometimes. That was a brave thing you just did and I applaud you for it." She concluded. "Thank you for that. So many people feel I shouldn't even have an opinion. "It was great meeting you.” Amanda said to her. Michelle jotted down her name and number on a piece of paper from the clipboard she was holding. "If you ever need anything, please call me." Michelle said and then pushed the button on the elevator to go back up. Amanda took the number and folded it and put it in her pocket. She was enlightened by their conversation, and she was glad to be leaving the newspaper.

   Amanda reached the restaurant where Casey was waiting for her. She walked in and the hostess directed her to him. She sat down across from him and reached across the table to give him one quick kiss. "I hope you didn't wait long." She said. "No, just like fifteen minutes, I knew rush hour traffic would hold you up." He said to her. They had been seeing each other now for almost four months. Amanda couldn't believe how the time was flying. She was anxious to get her GED in January and be able to feel like all her high school education hadn't been in vain. "Yeah the drive over here was hell. I swear it took me like an hour to go five miles." She laughed. "So what do you need to talk to me about?" She asked him. "Well, why don't we wait till after we eat?" He tried to persuade her. "Oh Casey I can't wait that long, you know that." She pleaded with him whining. "Well, what do you have planned for Christmas?" He asked her with his head resting on his hands. "Probably same old same old, grandma's, and then the Santa thing at home with Nikki." She told him. "Would you like to go somewhere else a little more...exotic?" He asked her. "Ooh, exotic." She said joking. "What; isn't Cincinnati 'exotic' enough for you?" She asked. "No." He said sarcastically. The waitress came over to take their order and Casey told her to wait a couple of minutes. He leaned closer to her then. "Come with me to Mexico. It will be fabulous, Amanda, just you, me, bad water and all the beer we can drink." He said. "Oh, you're serious!" She said with her eyes wide. "No shit Sherlock, I'm serious." He said then lowering his eyes. "What about your parents, they'll be all alone." She asked him. "They go to my aunt and uncle's house every year. They'll be fine." He told her. "I don't know how my parents would feel, I mean they know we're seeing each other, but they don't know that it’s getting serious." She explained to him. "Amanda, you're a big girl, now, will you go to Mexico with me?" He pleaded with her. "Yes, Casey I would love to go with you." She finally answered. She knew the sex thing was going to come up but she knew now they had to talk about it. Amanda hadn't slept with him, and she still had her reservations about the whole intimacy thing. Casey had been better than patient but she knew all too well that he wanted to be with her after all, he was a grown man with needs of his own. They had taken things slow, and that had been fine with her, but she knew this point would come, no matter how afraid she was of it. The waitress came back and Casey ordered for both of them as he always did. "So how did it go? I almost expected you to be crying or something." He said to her. "Ok, now are you making fun of me?" She asked him smiling. "No, seriously she was tough but I stood my ground and said everything I wanted to say. The coolest thing happened as I was leaving, a woman, Michelle, Paul's girlfriend, talked to me, she works there. Who knew?" Amanda added. This sparked Casey's interest. "What was she like?" He asked her. "Um, a little on the married and pregnant side, I knew she was older than him. She gave me her number. Told me to call her if I needed anything, she was really nice, different than I expected, your brother never really had anything decent to say about her, but she hurt him I guess. I think she was just too old for him." Amanda finished. "A part of me would really like to talk to her." Casey said. "Well, I have her number, I'm sure she would like to talk to you too. Casey, thank you for making me so happy." You know it was the last thing I expected to come out of all this. "I know." He said sincerely. "I guess I will tell you now, tomorrow I'm booked, I promised dad I would help him paint the shed and help him and mom go through Paul's room. She's ready finally." He said somberly. "I'm glad. I have plans tomorrow too. It's Nate's birthday, he would have been twenty. I'm going out to the cemetery for a while and I really wanted to go by myself. I was going to say something to you, I just didn’t know how you would feel." She explained to him. "Take all the time you want, I understand." He responded.

    Amanda awoke early and got ready and left the apartment. She went to a florist not two blocks from the apartment and picked out a bouquet of yellow roses with a ribbon that read _Happy Birthday_. She carefully laid them in her car and headed towards Cedar Lane. She hadn't been here for nearly eight months. She parked her car in the usual spot and got out carrying the huge bouquet. She found the headstone and realized then that she wasn't alone. She looked up and saw Howard standing there. She walked a little more lightly. He saw her coming and smiled at her. She walked up to him. "Hi." Was all that she could manage. She had never known the man and had only seen him in person once, at the funeral. "I guess we are here for the same person, beautiful flowers." He said to her. He stood like Nate and spoke in the same voice. Amanda found it hard to breathe then. She was hoping to be alone and was a little disappointed. "My son would have been twenty, buy you probably know that." He began. "I knew him very well, he was my boyfriend." She explained feeling a little embarrassed. "He was really a good boy; I don't know what was wrong with him." He said then looking down at the headstone. She noticed he had placed a flat stone on top of the Nate's headstone. He caught her looking at it. "When he was four or five, I spent weekend after weekend at the lake trying to teach him how to skip rocks." He said smiling. "He got good at it, I used to go to the lake with him every once in a while." She said softly. She looked up at him and realized he was exactly Nate's height and had his eyes. She held back her tears. "You must be Amanda, then." He said to her. "He talked about you a lot when he would come to me and Beth’s to visit, that's my wife." He explained. "I'm glad...that he talked about me, I hope it was good." She said. "One of our best conversations was about you. He wanted to take you to Missouri and he wanted to see how I felt I guess. I told him you all were too young." He said still smiling. "You are just as pretty as he said though." He said to her. Amanda just smiled realizing he hadn’t recognized her from the funeral. "You know I can't help feeling like some of this was my fault, you know?" He said to her. "I think we have all wondered if we did something or anything to help trigger it." She said seriously.   She reached down and laid the flowers on his grave. "You're probably right. I know me and Janice's problems didn't help, either." He said. "I loved him more than anything, him and Beau both." "How is Beau?" Amanda asked. "Getting tall just like Nate. Plays soccer, he was ten in September." He answered. "That's hard to believe. Is Janice ok? She was always really nice to me." "Yeah, she's great. She's met some guy; she and Beau just love him." He answered. Amanda was happy to hear that and smiled. "I guess we're all getting on you know? It's been almost two years. Don't get me wrong, I miss him every day." He added. "I do too." She said. He turned to her then. Amanda was amazed at how much he resembled Nate. "I have to go, I just want to say thank you for loving my son." She didn't quite know what to say to that. "Well....thank you, it was never hard." She answered honestly. "It was great meeting you." "I really have to get. Take care." He said to her as he walked off. She watched him as he walked and noticed he moved the same way Nate had. He got into his car and drove off. She touched the stone he had left.

    She looked up towards the sky. It was cool and the wind whipped around her a bit. She then looked back down. "Well, you would be twenty today." She said sitting. She sat next to the headstone with her legs out in front of her and her arms stretched out behind her. "Where would we be right now? We'd probably be in Missouri, maybe?" "Who knows? I'd be with you." She took a few minutes. "I don't know if you know but I met someone and I'm in love with him. He doesn’t' know I'm in love with him, I haven't told him, yet. I want you to be happy for me, Nate and realize that it's time for me. I haven't completely let you go, maybe I never will. I don't even know yet if this thing will last but I would like to find out." She trailed off. "Chris is doing well. Everyone is doing ok, or as best as they can be. You hurt a lot of people. Why did you kill little Alison Hadley? She was in the study hall. She never did anything to anybody. I know it's stupid to ask why. Some things you did make me real mad now, sometimes, that's all. Anyway I used to tutor her in Math when we were in middle school, she was the sweetest person you could ever meet, but then, so were you. Oh god Nate, why didn't you just say something or at least turn Paul in so he could have gotten the help he needed? She sat there for a while realizing it was pointless in asking any questions. Just then a breeze came up and felt as if it moved just around her. It gave her chills from head to toe. She smiled widely. She could feel him all around her then as if he was embracing her. She closed her eyes and imagined him there next to her with that magnificent smile. She knew she could never hate him. She could question him all she wanted, but she could never hate him ever.

    Margaret was the first one to go for the keys after they had finished eating lunch. Casey hugged her as she was still holding the keys. "Mom, you can do this, come on, it's time to." Casey persuaded her. Bill gave a knowing look to him. Margaret walked down the hallway and turned around quickly to make sure Bill and Casey were following her. She unlocked the lock and slowly turned the knob. They all three walked to the bottom of the stairs. Margaret turned the light on and took a good look around. She began crying softly at first then the sobs were uncontrollable. "Oh my little boy, why, why, why?" She pleaded. She turned to Bill burying her head in his chest. "I did everything I could do for him!" She exclaimed. "Hon, we all did." Bill said to her softly. Bill and Casey stood still and watched her make her way around the large room not knowing where to begin. She would softly glide her hand over his furniture as she passed by it. She went to his closet and opened the door. She grabbed his Rammstein t-shirt and buried her face into it. She took a deep breath. She tried with everything she could to smell him even though the shirt was clean. "Oh, Paul."   She said wearily. Casey and Bill just stood back and gave her space to grieve. Casey had returned everything to the room as he had found it, except the letter from Rory, before he had moved out. She went through the rest of his clothes in his closet. She took down one dress shirt that had never been worn. She walked over to the bed and sat down with it in her hands. "I bought this for him to wear at graduation." She announced smiling as if she was proud, her face still tear soaked. "I told him to try it on, but I can tell he didn't. Just like him not to listen to me." She kind of chuckled. Casey had never seen his mother show so much emotion. She returned to the closet and started pulling out the rest of his clothes and laying them across his bed. She was taking a pair of pants down, when a folded piece of paper fell out of them. Margaret could tell this was a pair he had worn, but hadn't soiled so he hung them back up so he could wear them again. Margaret kind of laughed, remembering how she had always nagged him not to do this. She picked up the piece of paper from the floor. Bill was at the closet getting the rest of his things out. She slowly unfolded it. She saw that it was Paul's handwriting. She read it for a minute. "He knew I would go through his clothes, like I always did, looking for dirty ones, he hung up." She said then beginning to cry again. Casey and Bill looked over at her confused at what she was saying. "Casey take it, I can't." She began sobbing quietly and Casey, surprised, took the note in his hands. Bill looked over at him and gave him a gesture to read it and he stood still with his hand on Margaret's shoulder.   Casey let out a long sigh before beginning.

 

_Mom_

_Don't worry about me now. You have worried about me for years. If you find this I will be gone. I always loved you, but I am saddened by the devastation and disappointment I must have caused you. I tried my hardest to be normal and I just wanted to make you happy. You tried so hard to get me help, but I and Nate are beyond help. We are sick and we need to go to a better place, we don't know where we are going but we can't stay here anymore. Give at least one of my things to someone who knew me, who was friends with me. Listen to all my music, except the stuff you couldn't stand, ha ha, and remember me. I will always be with you somehow. Enjoy your life. Don't let me spoil a minute of it. I know that might seem impossible. Remember all those times the people would hurt me, well, I' m gonna get them back mom, I'm finally going to stand up for myself, just like you always wanted me to. I know I'm smart and I know I'm different, but nothing I do will mean I didn't love you, ok?_

_Sincerely, Paul May 15, 1999 Wednesday_

"Mom, don't." Casey said to her. "He was sick, Margaret." Bill explained to her. "I know." She said. She reached out and took the note from Casey's hand. She folded it back and laid it beside her. They went through all of his things and threw out magazines that were questionable and other stuff like candy wrappers and unused notebook paper. Casey went through his cd's and found one he had burned himself and it said on the front. _"Music to play when I'm with Michelle."_ Casey smiled and set it aside for he knew exactly where it belonged.

     Amanda got home and looked up at the apartment and then turned the car around. She drove about three miles from where they lived to Casey's apartment. She saw that he had just gotten home. "Hey there." He said to her as she got out of the car. He was getting stuff from home out of his car. He walked over to her and grabbed her to kiss her. "Oh, I needed that." He said playfully to her. "Well, how was it?" She asked him. "Draining." He admitted sighing deeply. "I think it did her a lot of good though." He explained as they walked up to the porch. He unlocked the door carrying the box he had brought from the house. "What's this stuff?" Amanda asked looking inside the box when he laid it on the table. "Some of Paul's things." "Oh." She said looking away then. "There's a cd in there that I feel would be only right to give to Michelle. I thought maybe you or I could get a hold of her and give it to her." He suggested. "I can do that. She seemed really nice." Amanda commented. He came over to her smiling. "You are really nice." "Stop." Amanda giggled. "How was your morning?" He asked her taking off his tennis shoes. "It was weird, his dad was there and he acted sort of strange. It was like he never even knew him or something. I don't know, it freaked me out though, he looked a lot like Nate." She said to him. "Come here, sweetheart." Casey said to her. He was sitting in a chair at the table. She got off of the couch and walked over to him. He put his arms around her and she laid her head on top of his and placed her arms around him. "What are you doing the rest of the afternoon?" He asked her. "Oh probably go home and feel sorry for myself awhile." She joked with him. "I'll have to admit you are better at this cemetery thing than you used to be." He said to her. "I have realized a lot of things. What Nate did was horrible and I will always be left to wonder why...we all will." She added. "I thought about something and I think I'm ready." She began. "Ready for what?" He asked her. "Ready to tell you something. I know we haven't been together that long, but I feel it was something in the making long before we were together." She continued. "What are you talking about?" He laughed. "Casey, I am completely in love with you." He looked at her then and didn't speak. "My gosh, Amanda, what do you want me to say?" He said laughing. "Well, how about the usual." She answered sweetly. "Ok, here goes, Amanda I am completely in love with you, too. How was that?" He asked her smiling widely. "Pretty good but you could use some practice." She joked. "Hey I'm pretty nasty from helping my dad and stuff, I need to go take a shower, want to come with me?" He asked her coyly. "Casey Langley I am a lady I would never do such a thing." She said sarcastically.

      He grabbed her by the arm and took her into his bedroom. She stood facing him and he kissed her. She began kissing him back. He ran his hands through her hair. They had always got to a certain point and she would feel uncomfortable. She didn't feel that way for some reason today. She wanted this man. "Casey it has been a long time." She said nervously. "I know sweetheart, I will go slow." He said softly. He slowly undressed her as he kissed her every time he removed a portion of her clothing. She let herself go a little more each time he would kiss her. "Relax, Amanda and just let me be with you." He said to her as he kissed her neck. "I don't think you know how long I have wanted to be with you." He whispered to her. "I know." She whispered back.

     They made it into the shower and he washed every part of her with the most delicate of caresses. His hands touched her in places she had never felt a man’s touch and her legs felt like they were going to give out from beneath her. The warm water over her body was intoxicating. She had never known the sensations he was giving her. She thought to herself with a sly smile across her face, _“So this is what it’s like to be with a man.”_ They got out of the shower and he gently carried her to the bed. He laid her down and kissed what seemed like every inch of her. He placed his head between her legs kissing her thighs and caressed her clit with his tongue until she screamed out of pleasure. He made his way back to her breasts and she felt as though she couldn't catch her breath. Her wet hair was cool to his touch, his mouth met hers and he kissed her intensely. She just laid back and completely surrendered to his desire of her. His nude body felt wonderful to every part of her. He pulled the sheets over them after pulling a condom from his nightstand and placing it on himself. She glanced out of the skylight and realized it was clouding up outside. He gently caressed her thighs and balanced himself between her legs. She placed her feet on the back of his calves. She grabbed his erection and guided him inside her. He kissed her neck and bit at her earlobe. He moaned slightly in her ear and she closed her eyes and hugged him tightly to her as he moved slowly in and out of her. She winced from the slight pain upon each penetration which made her aware how long it had been since she had been with anyone. They stayed like that for the remainder of the afternoon; making love, laughing, talking about their childhoods, and all the things that make new love intimacy memorable.

    They fell asleep in each other’s arms and she awoke around seven o'clock to the sound of Casey slightly snoring and the sound of thunder. She was totally relaxed. She looked down at his arm around her. She sighed at the sight of it. She smiled and listened to the rain. Her heart was pounding wildly then. She turned over and faced him. She watched him sleep with the lightening lighting up the room from time to time. She took her finger and traced his face. He awoke a little and smiled at her. He took her hand then in his. "Amanda, I love you, beautiful girl." She smiled and for the first time in nearly two years she shed a single tear out of happiness. 

 

 

 

 


	19. Beginning of an End

   Casey woke her up around eight o'clock the next morning. "Good morning, beautiful." He said as he kissed the side of her face. "Crap, what time is it?" She asked. "It's almost eight o'clock." He answered her softly. "I need to go and get ready to go see Chris." She said wiping her eyes.  She looked up at him and smiled. "You are amazing." She whispered to him. "I was hoping for magnificent, but I'll accept amazing." He answered smiling. She got up and got dressed and he made her toast and orange juice before she left. She drank down the rest of her orange juice and kissed him goodbye. "I'll call you." She said as she walked out the door.   He stood at the door and watched her walk to the parking lot. She couldn't stop smiling. She had a million different things on her mind as she made the drive back to her and Rory's apartment. She thought then of how long it had been since she had read Nate's journal. She realized she was slipping in her promises to herself, but maybe this was how it went after you lost someone as she had lost him. She went home and was glad that Rory was still sleeping, for she needed some privacy. She got out from the shower, dressed and put her hair up in a towel and went for the book. She had read entries over the last few months that led up to about the time they started talking and she opened it to the next one she had bookmarked.

_September 25, 1997_

_Well, I finally got up the nerve and called the number that Bruce gave me, Amanda's. It was a great conversation and after talking to her for about twenty minutes I didn't feel so nervous. It was different talking to her over the phone, one on one, than it is at school or at the bowling alley. I am picking her up for school tomorrow; she gave me directions to her house. I like her so much and I have liked her for so long. It was cool talking to her. I hope that this is only the beginning of things. I never imagined her being my girlfriend. She may just want to be friends. I don't know what Paul is going to say tomorrow when I show up with her, he better not be an ass. He has been more depressed than usual, but then so have I? This really perked me up though.   Dad has not been home in three days. Mom won't say anything, and I haven't asked. I heard her tell a friend of hers, he's taking some time to think about things. I don't know what the hell is going on, and a part of me really doesn't care. All I can think of right now is Amanda. As you know, I have Lowe again this year. I swear she doesn't like me. Paul has her too. Dave Brach and Nick Kessler are still assholes so no, not much has changed. I think I am becoming a Twinkie alcoholic. I can't live without the damn things. Beau is being a pain in the ass, throwing a damn fit because I won't let him bang away on my computer. I need to call Paul so he can obsess over Michelle some more. I wish she would just sleep with him and get it over with, he desperately needs to get rid of his virginity, maybe then he wouldn't be such a pain in the ass! TTFN, Nate._

Amanda closed the book, but quickly realized she wanted to know more, she wanted to know how he had really felt about her. She knew her mind would not rest until she did so.

_September 29, 1997_

_Well as soon as it began it was over. I don't get it.   Everything was going just fine. Amanda was great until yesterday. What the hell was I even thinking? Like she would really want to be with me. We got in this stupid fight because when I went to the shooting range with her and Chris, she kept fucking flirting with him! The bitch did it right in front of me! Hurt my feelings bad. Hell who knew that, that freak Durham had feelings? I was so fucking furious and I made sure she knew it! She so damn cute parading around in her little skirts and her little earrings and telling people shit she thinks they want to hear. I don't even want to see the little whore! I don't know why Chris even told me to call the little tramp, she really pissed me off. She's been driving me out of my freakin' mind since I was fifteen and then she does this. I can't believe she even made out with me. Maybe I should've just screwed her and left her alone. I hate to say it, but Paul was right about her. Paul is right about everything! Nate._

_October 4, 1997_

_I can't believe I never thought of it before. Oh am I a genius; is Paul? Are we deranged? Probably. Am I sick? I am sickened by the hand life has dealt me, the intolerable suffering I have endured over the years, the ridicule, the now broken home, (though mom won't admit it), the little insecurities I live with in my head, the depression, the wanting to drive off a cliff and not look back. Here it is all the while, right in front of us, a solution, an answer, a beckoning. I am in my right mind, I function for this purpose. I will survive until this purpose. Me and Paul are born with bad genes. The kind of genes that can harm you. He fucked Michelle, and now she has fucked him. I wanted to fuck Amanda and now I will fuck her over in the most horrible way possible. Does she deserve it? Yes, well, maybe. I do care about her, but I care for this mission, more. Why are we here dear Paul? I don't know, you don't know, hell, who knows? I could reach a million conclusions. We will make them all answer. Those foul little souls. Burn, we will burn you, we will hate you, we will destroy you. ASSHOLES! Nate. I can't believe you all make me want to die even more than I already wanted to. I am the Freak and don't forget it!_

    Amanda then, with a heavy feeling in her gut, closed the journal and got ready to go see Chris. The phone rang and she answered it. "Hey, it's me; I just wanted to let you know I already miss your voice." Casey told her. "Casey I’ve only been gone an hour.” She laughed. "Ok, you got me; I just really wanted to hear your voice again." He said sweetly. "I'll be home around eleven. I'm free the rest of the day." She told him. "I promised I would help Rory clean up the apartment, but after that, I'm free”. She desperately wanted to spend more time with him. "Hey get a Sunday paper and see whose interview from Friday has already run." He said. "Shit you're kidding?" She screamed. "Nope, there's even a mention of it on the front page." He told her. "Well, I need to go; I have to go get ready to see Chris. I'll call you as soon as I'm home." She promised him. "Ok, beautiful." He said before he hung up. She lay there breathing deeply, trying to relax, but her thoughts kept jumping between the night before and the finality of Nate's writings in the journal. Amanda thought then of Mexico, it would be nice to get away. She finished getting ready and grabbed her purse and keys. She jumped in the car and hurried down town so she wouldn't be late.

    She finished putting her id badge on and stepped into the front gate. Chris saw her and came over to her. "Hey do you want to go into the mess hall, it's where everyone goes when it's cold or rainy, and I'm freezing." He said. "Sure we can." She told him. They walked into the mess hall arm in arm. The mess hall was crowded and Amanda looked around and noticed some new faces. "I can't wait until I'm out of here. Maybe I can take you on a date or something." He said to her smiling. "Oh, Chris." She said smiling. "You don't want to date me." She said. "You're seeing Casey, aren't you? Is it getting serious?" He asked her. "Yeah, it is, I guess."   She said looking at the ground. "I tried to keep pushing him away, but he wouldn't budge." She laughed. "Well, he's definitely like his brother there." Chris said raising his eyebrows. "What do you mean by that?" She asked him curious. "Well, when you were with Paul you had to be with him all the way or you had to stay the hell away from him, but he was relentless until he got what he wanted." Chris explained. "Do you feel that Nate would've done anything if it wasn't for him, I mean really?" Chris asked her. "I have wondered that, but I think that Nate would've killed himself even if Paul wasn't in the picture." She said quietly. "I have been reading his journal, and he was completely depressed, he was really sick. I thought the world of Janice, but I wonder sometimes how she didn't notice." Amanda said seriously. "So you won't even give me one date?" He asked her laughing. "Chris, I would love to, we can go out, but as friends." She answered with a giggle. "I'm just giving you shit." He said laughing. "I'm really happy for you, I just wonder if anyone is ever gonna say anything about you guys being together and stuff." He said. "Well, imagine if we were to get together, they would really have a field day with that one!" She exclaimed and they both laughed. "Actually it would make perfect sense, if you think about it." Chris said still laughing. "Nah, you had your chance, bud." She joked with him. They sat there for a moment in silence. "Hey the interview was great, she was tough huh?" He asked her. "I saved one for you." He told her. "I can't give it to you thought until I get out of here, rules and shit." He said. "I was going to get my own copy, but I'll wait on yours then, that was really sweet." She said smiling at him. "You have really changed." She stated. "Hey, I have had plenty of time to change, the scary thing is, sometimes I wonder if that could’ve been me with them, yah know?" He told her. "Don't think that way." She said to him. "Casey has asked me to go to Mexico with him for Christmas." She said then changing the subject. "Well?" Chris asked and waited for her response. "I'm still thinking about it." She said. "Hell go somewhere warm, Cincinnati will always be here, Amanda. And it will always be fucking cold." He laughed. "You deserve to be happy, you know that." He said without smiling then. She looked at him and smiled. "So do you." She said and ruffled his hair. "I haven't figured out what his wife didn't like about him, I mean why she did the things she did." Amanda said. "People are people, who knows? But you all haven't been together that long, either." He said to her. "Yeah, but we have been friends for a while, and he's wonderful. We both have trust issues to work through; we've been hurt and betrayed, in different ways, but none the less." She explained. "I got left with all these fucking questions. I guess I just want to know after all if Nate really loved me, I know that's silly." She said quietly. "There's nothing silly about that." He said. "He never really talked about you to me. Or to anyone except you know who, and he's not gonna be able to answer questions any time soon." He said looking at the ground. "Sometimes I feel it's all a joke and they are just off somewhere laughing their asses off at me and every one of us who are paying for what they did." She said. "Amanda, let me reassure you, they are dead." He said gravely. "Are you ok?" She asked. "When the shooting happened everyone was running around crazy and shit and trying to find a way out, and I remembered how you can get out of study hall through an emergency exit in the ceiling in the back of the office. A lot of kids didn't know about it, and if you did the alarm would go off. It led outside onto the roof. He explained to her. "I was trapped upstairs and I ran to the study hall, the downstairs was on fire." He continued. "I will never ever forget what I saw in there, I am just able to talk about it now; I have been in counseling for everything under the sun since I've been locked up but this has haunted me the most. The study hall was a mess!" He exclaimed. "I was in shock and a few of the other students started coming in there that knew about the door. They were just lying there...maybe I shouldn't tell you this, I'm sorry." He trailed off. "No Chris, it is something I need to know, continue, I have always been curious about what happened in there." She said seriously moving closer to him. She saw a tear run down his cheek just then. "Fuck, I didn't mean to turn bitch on you or anything." He said crying. "I thought it was Nate and I went over and Paul was, his head was all over the place, he was a fucking mess. I put my hands on the side of my head and just stood there fucking screaming. I didn't know what else to do, yah know?" He continued sobbing. A few people were looking their way but didn't pay no mind. Chris put his hands over his head and put his head down between his legs. "Nate was just lying there, staring straight up just looking at me. His mouth was open. Something in me wanted to shake him to see if he would get up. I finally got ahold of myself and walked away and made it outside and met up with Mrs. Jarvis and a bunch of kids who were waiting with a police officer. She said she had been too afraid she couldn’t have made the climb out of the emergency door, so she went down an access ladder of one of the other classrooms…just the look on her face. Chris wiped his eyes with his t-shirt. "I shouldn't have told you that. I still have nightmares about it sometimes." Amanda felt numb, for all she could do was picture Nate laying there as Chris had described. She put her arm around her friend. "Hey, we're going to be alright." She said also trying to assure herself. "Don't tell Casey. I just don't want him to know." She sat there for a moment understanding his instructions. "Casey didn't know Paul as we did." He explained. "I know exactly what you mean, sometimes I'm glad for that, I think he would blame himself more than he already does for not doing something." She said to him. "Amanda it's gonna take you a long time to ever get over it, or him, for that matter, but putting off things you need, isn't the way to go about it. Go to Mexico. He said to her. She stood up before him. He took one more wipe of his eyes and she placed her arms around him. "We will be ok, Chris, and no; you didn't upset me, ok?" She said softly. He held onto her tightly for a while. The time for visitation was called, and Amanda hated to leave him there. She grabbed her purse and headed for the exit. She turned once more to look at him and he smiled and she smiled back at him. She drove home and couldn't get the image of Nate laying there on the ground of the study hall. She knew it would inevitably haunt her for days, maybe weeks or months to come.

    "Hey Casey called to see if you were home yet, what is with that, is he, could he be, oh my gosh, he's got it bad. You must have been in his bed last night, because you sure weren't in yours." Rory teased her. "Rory, please." Amanda said solemnly. "Bad visit with Chris?" She asked. "He just, he was upset by some stuff, it's just depressing for me to see him locked up, that's all." Amanda untruthfully answered. "So are you going to help me clean this place up or what?" Rory asked her changing the subject. "Yes, don't get your panties in a wad." Amanda said sarcastically. Rory started picking up clothes off of her bedroom floor and walked back into the living room with Amanda. "So really how was last night?" Rory asked her. Amanda smiled and looked away from her. "Amazing." She said quietly. She couldn't stop smiling then thinking about Casey. "It wasn't really the sex that was amazing, I mean don't get me wrong about that, but it was that he was amazing. I felt like we were really one, not just our bodies, but like I was supposed to be there with him." She concluded. "Maybe you were." Rory said. "Yeah, but if none of this would've ever happened I would be somewhere much different." Amanda said to her. "Amanda, it's like I've tried to say before, they chose their destinies, now you shouldn't feel guilty about choosing yours. Take it slow though." Rory warned her. "You have been through enough heartbreak." She added. Amanda knew she was right so she chose not to comment. They put all of their dirty clothes in a big box and placed detergent on the top to get ready to take them to the laundry mat. "Hey we'll to the laundry mat tomorrow after work, ok?" Amanda asked Rory. "Sure, sounds good, let's get started and finish cleaning this kitchen up." Rory answered.

    Amanda and Rory were finishing up and Amanda was mopping the floor when the phone rang. "Hello?" She answered. "Hey gorgeous, what are you doing?" Casey asked her playfully. "I was wondering when you came over if you wanted to have dinner over here, my treat, I'm cooking, unless you want to help." He offered her. "Well, yeah, I'm not the best cook, but I can try." She answered back with a giggle. "Well, be here around four thirty, and we'll get this going." He told her. "Ok, I'll definitely be there."

     By the time Amanda reached Casey's she could already smell the aroma of something good. She walked on in and he went over to grab and kiss her. "What are we having, since I see you started without me?" She asked him walking into the kitchen area. "Ah, I just started getting really hungry." He admitted. "So how was Chris?" He asked her. "Oh, it was interesting; he was a little down today about some things." She said. "He told me some stuff about things, insignificant things about the way he feels about everything that happened." She answered nonchalantly. "Well he's got what, just a year left?" Casey asked her. "Yeah, but a year in there is like ten years, I'm sure." She answered. "Well, we have little more than a month before Christmas." He turned around smiling. "Yeah, ironically enough we talked about that today." She said. "What, did you tell him?" Casey asked. "Well, that you wanted to take me, and he said I should go." She added. "Do you think you should go?" He said walking over to her. "Maybe." She said playfully. "Maybe?" Casey laughed. She walked over closer to him and put her arms around him. "Yeah, I want to go." She said. "And by the way, I really can't spend the night tonight; I need some sleep for work so I can do my job or my boss will get pissed.” She said smiling. "I understand, your boss is a real asshole." Casey said before he kissed her on the forehead.

    Amanda was in a hurry for some reason to get home. Ever since Chris had told her about Nate that morning she couldn't wait to get home and read the journal some more. She was starting to realized that she was just beginning in many ways to get to know someone she had never really known and she was anxious to find out all she could. She took off her clothes and brushed her hair and lay on the bed with the treasured book. She held it tightly for a moment in her grasp before she opened it to the next bookmarked page.

_October 12, 1997_

_See I have stopped putting the day of the week, for my entire weeks blend together now, like the marshmallows in Lucky Charms cereal after they have swam in the milk for a while. And who has enough time on their hands to watch this event? Me. It's those things that help me realize just how meaningless my whole existence is. How meaningless anyone's existence is. I watch Amanda from a distance now, I watch her make her plans and bitch about her parents and little sister, and talk about her grades and some pitiful jerk off she might be dating. I watch as Paul starts to disintegrate as he is no longer on the prescription life enhancers. He still laughs, he finds a thrill in it all, he can't wait until he makes someone pay for his suffering, me, I just want the suffering over. I want me over. What will anyone remember me for? A smart kid, who no one cared to sit with at lunch? The dork that not one girl danced with at our first formal in eighth grade, or the loser that no one would ever want to share the Nintendo with at daycare, and when they did, they would walk away laughing because I was by myself. I noticed how powerful anger is, I gave Amanda a go to hell look and she cowered, it was magnificent! I have that power. Love is hate and hate is love, they go hand in hand. I love her, yet I hate her for the cruel game she played on me. Maybe I will talk to her again someday, when I am not constantly thinking about killing her. Nate._

   Amanda closed the journal and her heart sank at what she had just read. There had been times in the depth of her depression, that she had wished Nate had put the gun to her head before his. She hadn't really wanted to die, it was just then, and sometimes she felt as if it wasn't fair that she was left here. She was slowly starting to realize that she wasn't the only one that got left there. Amanda laid there with her thoughts until the phone rang and startled her, and she expected it to be Casey. "Hey there." She answered. "Hey, Amanda?" Chris said. "Oh my gosh Chris, I didn't think it was you." She said. "Yeah, we have that new guard McKenna and he's pretty cool, so I had a ten minute phone call to make, and I just saw mom and dad at dinner, so I thought I would call you and tell you I'm sorry if I really upset you today." He added. "Chris, I'm fine, how else do you think I would've thought they looked?" She asked him seriously. "Yeah, I guess you're right." He said. "What are you doing?" He asked her. "Well, I'm doing nothing, actually." "Well, my dad told me that he is working with my lawyer and the district attorney and they may let me out six months early, since it was really Bruce who was the seller, I was just the accessory." He explained. "Chris that would be so cool, then we could hang out and it would be like it used to be, sort of." She said trailing off. "It would be great to hang out again, that is if you're not getting married anytime soon." He joked. "Hell no! Not even close!" She said laughing. "Well, _I_ can't stay on here long, I was just excited and had to tell someone, but I was worried about you after today though, that was the truth." He said sincerely. "I know, Chris, I'm fine, promise." She assured him. "Well, sleep well, have a good day at work tomorrow." He said. "You too." She hung up the phone. She held the journal up in front of her face and stared at it. For a moment, thinking about Nate, she was lonely again. Something about everything he had and hadn't been made her lonely then.

   She had no longer hung up the phone when it rang again. "Hello?" She answered. "Hey sweetie it's mom. I was wondering if you wanted to come over for dinner tomorrow night. We haven't seen you in weeks." Ruth offered. "Yeah, I think I would like that." Amanda said smiling. "Good, I'll fix smothered steak." Ruth told her. "That sounds good." Amanda said. They hung up the phone and Amanda laid the journal on her nightstand and turned her lamp off.

    She walked into work and laid her stuff down, early that Monday. Casey stuck his head out of his office. "Hey were you gonna come say hi or anything?" He asked her jokingly. "Yeah, I just have a lot on my mind." She answered. They had been successful so far in keeping their relationship separate from work and no one had asked questions. Amanda went to her cabinet and grabbed her first file for the day and walked down the hall to the copier. She went about her business, never getting the thought of what Chris had told her or the journal entry out of her mind. Lunchtime rolled around and she told Casey she didn't feel like going out that she would just get something from the snack machine. He told her in that case he was going to go to lunch with Don and she had told him to go without her. She did stay behind and ate in the lunchroom by herself, reading more of the journal.

 

_November 1, 1997_

_I had a pretty good Halloween, my favorite holiday. I remember when mom and dad used to take me trick or treating. Dad came back this weekend, but I don't know how long it will be before he leaves for good. I really don't care, maybe my death will reunite them, but that's doubtful. Me and Paul sat up on top of his roof shooting kids we thought were too old to be trick or treating with bb guns. It was fucking hilarious. We talked about things we could do to people's houses and shit. A couple of weeks ago we went into this abandoned house and tore the shit out of it. It was strange that it felt so good. It's as if I'm discovering a whole new side of myself and I love it. I haven't even thought about Amanda. I saw this old movie where the guy went off to war and he left his sweetheart behind (corny), but it was cool in a sense that he left her behind for her to miss him. Who will miss and grieve us, that is, besides our parents? I think about that. I think about Amanda. She hasn't even talked to me since our fight that day at the shooting range. I kind of want to talk to her again. I really did feel like shit that day when she dropped me off. Maybe I jumped to a whole bunch of conclusions about her. Chris laughed and told me to call her, but I don't know. She probably hates me. We don't sit together at lunch. Me and Paul have the same lunch this year and we have been going to McDonald's a lot, we have this thing where we smoke half a cigarette there and half on the way back. I don't know what the hell it means, only we know; it's like one of those unspoken things between us. There are getting to be more of those things between us all the time. Nate_

_November 15, 1997_

_Well, I turned seventeen today. I feel like shit. All I have wanted to do is smoke cigarettes and lay in bed. It's a good thing we don't have a gun in the house. No, I couldn't do it without Paul. He has tried his damndest to get me out of the house, but I haven't budged. I just want to lay here and stare at my wall. Beau drew me a picture and had mom spell Happy Birthday on it for me. It was the best gift I got. Paul is right, we need weapons, we need em" bad. We were discussing this before we left work. Yeah, Paul is working with me at Hilltop. We have Saturday's off. Greg was really cool about our schedules. Paul is still messing around with that Michelle chick. She's pretty cool, but I can tell she wants something else. Nate_

_November 22, 1997_

_We went to a pawn shop today with Bruce and Chris. We were talking about what kind of guns that were the most high-powered. Bruce said he can get us anything. But I don't know, he might just be bragging or some shit. I swear sometimes I think he thinks he's fucking Rambo. Paul spotted a sweet Winchester. Needs cleaning, seriously good gun, and I agree, would be great to turn into a sawed off. Paul really liked that idea after Bruce suggested it. Paul bought a few knives, nothing much. He told me when we were alone, he thought about cutting someone up and holding the organs in his hands, he said he wanted to feel the ooze. He is sick, Ha Ha!   But none the less he is hilarious. It is kind of cool being friends with someone who might really be a murderer. Makes me realize I am capable of it also. He gives me this power. Nate_

 She noticed Casey and Don coming back in from lunch. She called to Casey and he told Don to go on up without him as he stepped from the elevator and waited for the next one. She walked over to where he was standing. "Hey my mom is having dinner tonight, and I'm going. She's fixing her famous smothered steak. Go with me, please?" She pleaded with him. The elevator bell rang and they stepped into it to go to their floor. "Oh, Amanda I don't know." He began. "What do you mean you don't know, I am going out of the country with you in less than a month, and you don't know." She laughed. Casey sighed. "I'm really tired. This new contract has me beat." He said stepping towards her. "Oh, come on damn it, go." She begged him smiling. She put her arms around him and playfully grabbed his backside. "Well, on that thought." He teased. "I'll go home with you." "I don't really want to be by myself." She told him. "You don't have to sleep with me to get your way." He laughed. "I know, I want to sleep with you." She said giving him a quick kiss before the elevator opened. At that moment Casey was relieved that there were no cameras on the elevators. He thought of how he wasn't sure if he could be around this girl all day and not touch her somehow. He smiled to himself as he watched her walk ahead of him and sat down at her desk. Casey reached for the phone on his desk returning an urgent page from Margaret he had recieved during his lunch. He sat at his desk with his hand over his face, listeneing to Bill sob loudly on the other line. Their lawyer had presented them with transcripts from the investigation.  Casey knew he needed to be with them.

   Amanda and Casey arrived at her old house at around six thirty. Casey was exhausted but he was intent on making sure to make good on his promise to Amanda. Nikki ran to the door. "Amanda! Do you have something for me?" Nikki asked. "No, it's not your birthday. Mom, tell her she doesn't get something every time someone comes over." Amanda joked noticing Ruth in the kitchen. "Well hey there." Ruth said turning around not knowing Casey had accompanied her. "Well, Casey it's good to see you." How have you been?" Ruth curiously asked. Ruth indeed wanted to know how serious their relationship had become. "Oh, I've been better; I have been busy at work." He answered her. "Well, dinner is about ready and Barry should be home anytime." "It's nice to see you young lady, you know you didn't have to completely leave home." Ruth joked with Amanda. "Mom, I have been busy and plus I was here like three weeks ago." She retorted. "Yeah, for only ten minutes." Ruth laughed. Barry came in from the garage. "Well, I didn't know you were bringing company." He said going over to Casey and shaking his hand. "Ruth makes the best smothered steak; I hope you brought an empty stomach, also." Barry joked with him. "Well I'm going to go get cleaned up." He said walking off towards the hallway. Amanda went over to the couch and motioned for Casey to come and sit with her. "Hey Casey would you like tea or we have beer." Ruth offered him. "A beer actually would be nice, thanks." He answered. Amanda smiled then thinking of the times they would have beers together after work. To Amanda's surprise Casey reached over and grabbed her hand. Ruth noticed but didn't dare say anything.   "Ok, guys, you all come on, it's ready.   All I have to do is warm the rolls." Ruth said. "Mommy, I want my pink plate and cup." Nikki instructed Ruth. "Hey mom, I'll get it." Amanda said reaching into the cabinet. She placed them in front of Nikki. As much as Amanda hated to admit it, she missed Nikki probably the most of all. "Mom got a newspaper and there was a big picture of Nate in it." Nikki said loudly then. Amanda swallowed hard. Casey looked at Ruth and Amanda in question of what Nikki had just said. "Yeah, they ran this story in the Herald. It was kind of a follow up on the lawsuits and such, something about the media and the viewing of the video tapes they made or something." Ruth said choosing her words carefully because of Casey's presence. "I didn't get today's paper." Casey said solemnly. "I follow everything very closely for mom and dad's sake." He explained. "Well, they always have stories and such, yah know." Ruth said trying to say anything to get past the grave look on him and Amanda's faces. Barry came back into the dining room and sat at the table unaware of the conversation that had just transpired and changed the subject.

   Amanda finished helping Ruth carry in the rest of the dinner items and not another word was said about the article yet it was all Casey and Amanda could manage to think about. Amanda felt sorry for Casey, he was doing so well conversing with her parents after the news he had just learned of. Amanda thought of Nate's face then sitting across the table as he had once when she had made them a snack after school and she had laughed and commented on how much and how fast he could eat. "So what are we doing for the Holidays this year, guys?" Ruth asked suddenly. "Aren't we going to Aunt Beth's for dinner, Thanksgiving dinner?" Amanda asked swallowing hard thinking of the Christmas plans her and Casey had made. "Yeah, we need to go down a day early though, to help her get ready, since I feel like I didn't help her that much last year and there was like thirty people there." Ruth said of her sister. "You missy can go down I guess, when you like." She said to Amanda. "I want to go with Amanda." Nikki requested then. "I could do that, you could stay with me Wednesday and I'll drive us down Thursday morning." Amanda offered smiling at her younger sister. Amanda sighed then and looked at Casey who was just staring in his plate chewing his food. "Me and Casey are going to Mexico for Christmas; he feels it might be good for both of us to get away." Amanda said quickly. Amanda looked at Casey and could tell his mind was a million miles away from the table and the conversation. "Oh." Ruth said raising her eyebrows. "It was just a thought, I don't know, I might need to stay here with my parents this year." Casey said then surprising Amanda. She felt her heart sink. She wanted to ask him what he was talking about but didn't dare in front of her parents. Barry could sense something wasn’t right so he changed the subject again. "Well, at least we don't have that silly little Millennium scare this year." Amanda rolled her eyes and got up taking her plate to the sink.

    Casey put his napkin in his plate and Amanda came back in and grabbed his as well and took it into the kitchen. "That was fantastic." He said to Ruth complimenting the meal. "Well, if we can just teach Amanda to cook we'll have it made." She said joking with him. "I manage, thank you." Amanda retorted. Casey just snickered and got up. "I hate to leave good company but we really need to get Amanda, we have a ton of work to do for tomorrow and I need to stop by mom and dad’s for a minute." He suggested. "Well, I can take Amanda home, you take your time." Ruth suggested since they had come over in his car. "I would appreciate that." Casey said excusing himself. Amanda had to admit she was a little hurt and confused that he didn't act interested in her coming along and his mood since Nikki brought up the article. She knew though, her and Ruth needed to talk about things. Amanda walked over to him as he was putting his coat on to leave. "Go visit with your family." He said to her shortly. "Do you want me to come over when I get home?" She asked him. “Sure.” He said. He gave her a quick kiss and turned to leave. She was upset for she had never seen him this way, not even when he was upset by something.

   Ruth dropped her off at the apartment at around seven forty five. "Hey there, were you at home?" Rory asked her. "Yeah, I told you I was having dinner over there." She answered. "Well, you're in a shitty mood." Rory commented. "I took Casey and he was kind of an ass." Amanda explained. "To your parents?" Rory asked her surprised. "No, to me." Amanda said gravely. "What for?" Rory asked. "In the paper they ran a story about the video tapes and stuff and we have talked before about being able to see them and then he said that maybe we weren't going to Mexico and acted real cool to me. Mom brought me home and she asked me a lot of questions about us and I was honest about everything, and then she told me to be careful. I don't know, it was weird. Amanda said trailing off as she lay on the couch across from where Rory was sitting. "Well, he's probably just upset, his family has been through the ringer, and Paul was their baby." Rory explained to her. "I know you have too, but you didn't give birth to them. Casey is his brother. They are still going through a lot, Amanda." Rory added. "I mean I know Nate probably meant the world to you, but you were just his high school girlfriend." She concluded. Amanda knew she was right. "Casey said I could get a pass to see the tapes that he would help me get one. I don't know yet, if I want to see them." Amanda said quietly. "Well, it's something you'll have to decide." Rory said to her as the phone rang. Rory got up to answer it and came and handed it to Amanda. "Kiss and make up." Rory whispered to her smiling. "Hello?" Amanda answered. "Look, baby, I know I was short with you, I'm fucking sorry, I can explain." He began. "I know." She said. "Come here, I need you, I don't want to be alone either." He said pitifully. "Give me ten." She said. She went into her bedroom and packed an overnight bag and what she was going to wear to work in the morning and put her coat on and walked back into the living room and stopped to give Rory a hug. "See yah, sweetie." Rory said to her as she walked out the door.

    Amanda reached Casey's and he answered the door taking her bag and clothes from her shoulder and laying them across the couch. "I'm sorry I can be like that." He said to her grabbing her tightly. His eyes looked bloodshot and she could tell he had maybe been crying. He shut the door then. She grabbed her stuff and went over to his room to lay them out. She hung her clothes on the back of his door. He came over to her. "Amanda I need you right now." He grabbed her and kissed her hard. He quickly undressed her and ran his hands all over her as she stood there. "I want to feel something else, please." He said as he laid her on his bed. She unbuttoned his shirt as they kissed and he helped himself out of his pants and shoes. He began making love to her as if he was in some kind of some race. She tried her best to enjoy it. She kept her eyes open and watched his facial expressions as he worked himself in and out of her. She grabbed his back and tried to kiss him. She then buried her face in his chest inhaling his cologne. It seemed like minutes and he finished inside of her which scared her then, for they hadn't used protection this time. He rolled over on his back and closed his eyes. She looked over at him and stared at him curiously. A part of her wanted to cry. "Damn it, I'm sorry, I just couldn't wait." He explained. "Are you ok?" She asked him. "No, I'm not." He said then beginning to cry. Amanda didn't know what to do and she began to tear up as well. She just rolled over and lied across his chest and listened to his heart as it beat wildly. He wrapped his arms around her and kissed her on the forehead. She closed her eyes as tight as she could and tried to fight the memory then that swept over her.

 

_"I swear, Amanda, someday I will get better at this." Nate chuckled. "I don't think it lasts as long sometimes as it does others, it's really ok, my mom is supposed to be home in a little while anyway." Amanda answered. "Maybe your husband will be better than I am." Nate stated then as they began to get dressed. “Aren’t you going to be my husband?" She asked jokingly. "Maybe." He said with a snicker. "Hell, I'm just worried about that fucking history test tomorrow." Nate said with a chuckle. Amanda was fastening her bra and Nate was lacing up his combat boots and looked at her then. "You look beautiful like that." He said. Amanda just smiled and finished getting dressed._

 

Amanda could tell Casey was asleep and tried hard herself to get there.

    They awoke the next morning and he kissed her before they got in the shower and started getting ready for work. "Did you mean what you said about Mexico?" She asked him as she was finishing up her make up. He took a moment before answering her. "Yeah, I don't think it would be a good idea this year, let's see where we're at next year or this summer and maybe we'll go, ok babe?   I didn’t mean to disappoint you I hope you can understand." He said quietly. She finished her mascara and started screwing the top back on. "Yeah, sure I do, don't worry." She said knowing she was lying. Something had happened at his parents and it was clear to her he did not wish to explain it. This annoyed her somewhat. She felt as if he was keeping a secret from her and this hurt her. She stood there watching him tie his tie in the dresser mirror and asked him. "What the hell happened last night? I mean if you don't want to tell me, that's ok, but I just think it was rude." She stated. "Rude?" He laughed. "Nothing happened, Amanda, man you are a kid." He laughed again. "What?" She asked him clearly agitated. "I'm a fucking kid!" She said not completely believing what he had said to her. "Yeah, you think everything has something to do with you." He said shaking his head. "What the fuck is wrong with you? I thought you wanted to talk to me about everything?" She asked him. "Do you want a pass to see the fucking tapes or what? I’ll have to apply for one for you, since I'm immediate family." He stated then. "You couldn't have told me about this last night? And when it concerns Nate or Paul it does have to do with me!" She yelled. "Don't yell at me, Amanda. I know it has to do with you, you still love the fucked up son of a bitch and you always will!" "You want me to describe to you how he killed a girl in the library; the lawyer gave documents to my parents! He was a fucking monster, Amanda! He stepped on her so she couldn't get away!" He yelled at her enraged by the thought. "That's not true!" She said yelling and crying then. "Yes, Amanda it's true!" "Fuck you!" She screamed still not entirely believing they were having this severe of a fight this early on in their relationship. "Well, if it wasn't for Paul I might be in Missouri with the only man that has ever loved me!" Amanda knew she sounded crazy. She looked in the mirror at herself and saw how bad her mascara was running. She felt numb. She wrapped her arms around herself. She could see Casey in the living room putting his watch on. She finished getting dressed and walked into the living room and grabbed her purse and put on her coat. "I won't be there today." She told him. "Whatever." He said under his breath. Amanda turned around to face him. "I don't know what the hell just happened, but if you want to talk, I'm here, you know that." She said to him. "If you want to go, just tell me, tell Rory also, she can go. Each person that applies can take one person with them for emotional support." "There's only a hundred spots and we are automatically accepted to go and the media, of their choosing, so you need to make a decision." He said to her. She went over to him and put her arms around him. "I just need some time today, I love you, Casey." She said. He hugged her back and didn't say another word to her.

    Casey watched her walk to her car from the front window. He felt his heart dying within him, but he knew he needed to end whatever they had begun. He had read the documents which had been given to his parents over and over in his head. When he had first read them he wanted to throw them. He couldn't believe he had actually been the older brother of, shared a life with, shared parents with such a cold calculated murderer. He couldn't imagine then, facing those parents with hate for him already on their faces. He couldn't begin to even fathom it, especially with Amanda at his side. She had been a part of this madness; she had lay with a kid who had been capable of taking so many other lives so viciously and then wanted sympathy for being a victim herself. He tried and tried not to see her as such but the thought of her being with Nate sickened him to his core as he read the testimony of kids that had witnessed the complete and utter devastation that these two had unleashed on so many. He knew he couldn't be with her. He wanted her still now, but he couldn't make it right in his head no matter how desperately he tried. He knew he had to let her go. He knew she had been through so much pain, but him feeling this way about her would only cause her more. He thought about her as he drove to work and knew that he would indeed keep his promise to her if she wished to view the tapes.

   Amanda drove to a neighborhood she hadn't been to in ages. She drove slowly up the street and parked in the street in front of the grey house she had spent so much time at.   She knew there was a new family living there now and she imagined what Nate's room must look like. She cried as she sat there. She recalled the night Janice had handed her the journal.   Amanda knew Casey was right about her still loving him, she knew she always would. She thought then of how many times she had wished Casey had been Nate, so she could hold him and make love to him one more time. She put the car in drive and drove to Cedar Lane.

   She parked in the spot she always had and got out buttoning her coat and walked over to him. She swore when she closed her eyes she could imagine him standing there. Amanda sat down next to the headstone. She crossed her legs under her, not giving a care to the grass on her black slacks. The wind was cold and it was clouding up overhead. She looked all around at the dry grass and could hear the wind rustling the trees by the street. She sat there for thirty minutes in the cold before she spoke. "I miss you." She placed her hand on the grave. It was nearly flattened. The red clay had returned to the earth and dry yellow grass covered it. "I can't believe you'd be twenty now." She said. "You haven't really missed much." She kind of laughed. "I just can't believe you have been gone for nearly two years and I still miss you like this." She let the tears roll. "It was so easy with you; we didn't have all of this bullshit. But then you caused a lot of this bullshit, why did you do that? You hurt so many people." She said wiping her eyes with the sleeve of her coat. "I guess I say this shit over and over, huh?" She laughed then. "Nate, will I ever love anyone like I love you? This has got to fucking get easier sometime. I try to go on with things and forget about you, but I can't fucking do it." She added quietly. "Maybe I should be lying next to you, I have thought about it anyway." She admitted. "I would give anything just to touch you again, just to feel even the slightest touch of you. God damn I'm going fucking crazy I think. I love Casey and I don't know what is wrong with him, I tried to put him in your place and forget about the hurt, it did feel good to be held again, but I just wish it was you, and that wasn't fair to him, he knew this, I know he does." She said quietly sobbing. Amanda jumped then as she heard a voice come up from behind her. "Amanda." Amanda turned and saw Rory standing there. "Come home with me." "How did you know I was here?" Amanda asked her. "Casey called me and was worried about you and was afraid you would come here, he said something about taking care of you and things hadn't gone well. He told me about the tapes, and you're going. You need to face the real Nate, or the Nate you didn't know, and I think it will help you get on with things." Rory said matter of fact. "I told him to go ahead and apply for us that we would be there if I had to drag you kicking and screaming. We need to face some realities and quit dealing with the illusions they fooled us all with." She concluded. Rory offered Amanda her hand so she could stand up. Amanda placed her hand in Rory's and stood up. Rory put her arm around her. "Can you drive?" Rory asked her. "Of course." Amanda answered. "Come on let's go home and order Chinese take-out for lunch, what do you say?" Rory asked her smiling. "Ok." Amanda said quietly getting in her car and closing the door. She wondered then why Casey had even cared about her after the way he had treated her.

    The girls had ordered Chinese and watched as it started snowing that afternoon. They had spent the day in pajamas and Rory called in to work for she knew that Amanda needed her.   They talked about Rory's boyfriend and how they were taking some time from the relationship because of sex issues and this made Amanda laugh hysterically. Amanda gave Rory all the details of their fight and dinner at her parents and how she was scared to see Nate on the tapes. Rory assured her she would hold her hand the whole time.

   They were cleaning up from dinner when the phone rang. Rory answered it and said "hang on", and handed it to Amanda. Amanda took the telephone and walked into her bedroom with it. "Are you ok, I just want to know that you are ok?" Casey asked her. "Are you?" She asked him seriously. "I don't know, Amanda, I just don't think it's a good idea that..." Amanda stopped him from saying any more. "I'll be fine." "I will be fine." She said and then without saying goodbye hung up the phone and knew that this thing with him had ended just as soon as it had begun and she wasn't interested in his reasons.

    Amanda put on her jeans and her sock hat, gloves and her coat and got ready to go see Chris. It was freezing outside. It was the last time she would get to see him before Christmas. She was mad that she couldn't take him a gift but rules were rules. It had been snowing for days. Work with Casey had gone better than she had expected. He was still sweet to her but distant. She had actually put in her application at the library downtown as an assistant. It paid about the same and she figured that a job change would be good for both her and Him. They only talked about things in general and work related topics. She sometimes caught him watching her like there was something more he wanted to say to her. She wanted to know so badly but at the same time it paled in comparison to the all the things she wanted to know about Nate. She couldn't wait to get Christmas over with so she could get her GED and possibly start working and going to community college at night.

    She got out and scraped the car off and let if warm up. Chris had listened to her whine about things not working between her and Casey but he still completely enjoying her company. He had called her the previous day and told her his lawyers had brought him very good news. Amanda had also read that Dave Brach's parents weren't settling for less than a million from Nate and Paul's parents. She felt sorry for them when she read this, for she felt it was wrong for them to sue, because in her opinion money couldn't replace their loss. Yet, she figured no one much cared about her opinion. She got in and lit a cigarette and let the car warm up. She had only read a couple more entries of the journal for she had been getting to bed extremely early and had felt exhausted.

   Amanda reached the halfway house and grabbed her badge. She walked right over to Chris at their usual spot in the mess hall. " _We will meet at our favorite Italian Restaurant"_ ,   he sang joking with her. "Yeah, well where in the hell is the world class spaghetti?" She laughed grabbing him for a hug. "Oh merry Christmas to me!" Chris exclaimed. "So how yah been over the last week, have you forgot about him yet?" He joked with her referring to Casey. "Well, that’s what I asked Santa for." She responded. "I do have a Christmas gift for you, for me, but you'll like it." He said. "What silly?" She asked him curiously. "I'm getting out a few months early, in February to be exact, I am a model inmate." He stated proudly. "Well kick ass!" She said laughing. "Now I and Rory will have a moping partner." "Moping partner?" He asked her. "Oh yeah, I got dumped, she got dumped we are just a couple of dumpees." She announced. "Well, I'm getting dumped too...by the state." He said laughing. "Shut up." Amanda laughed. "Gee Christmas is in three days. What are you doing?" He asked. "Ah, just going home. Some of my other family is coming up, nothing big, usual stuff. But now I'm the biggest topic of conversation, I'm famous." She said joking as she posed like a model and made a face. Chris laughed. "You seem better than you have been." He stated. "I'm a great fucking actor." She said under her breath. "He was stupid to let you go, yah know?" Chris said to her. "Well, I don't know anything; I'd like to keep it that way; I was really falling fast for him.” She said of their break up. "Mom thought he was too old for me, she's glad, Barry's glad, hell even Nikki is probably glad." She said seriously then. "I'm not glad; I don't like to see you sad." He said. "Yeah, mom and dad get to come see me Christmas for like an hour, they are letting mom bring me a plate and stuff." He explained. "That's cool. So you are really getting out in February?" She asked. "Yep." He said looking at the ground. "I have to find a job no matter what it is; I have a debt to pay to the state, twenty-five thousand." He added. "Jesus Christ!" She said. "After a couple of years I can apply for a loan, which would mean lower payments, and plus it wouldn't come out of my paycheck, but I have to stay steadily employed in order to do this. I've thought about talking to mom and dad about my college fund if there's anything left after the sharks get done, that would chop it down a bit." He continued. "I can't wait to be a normal person again. Chris, you are a normal person." Amanda said placing her arm around his shoulder. They sat there for a moment in each other’s arms without speaking. "I get my GED next month, I want to go to school so bad and get on with that part of my life; I guess that is one thing I can thank Casey for is being able to work at a job I like. I think I have a good chance at getting on at the library and the hours would be perfect for going to school." She stated. The time for visitation was called. "Well, merry Christmas babe." Chris told her as he kissed her on the cheek. “Merry Christmas." Amanda said hugging him before she had to leave.

    Amanda had one more stop before she went back home. She drove to Cedar Lane and parked in her usual spot. She took out of the back seat two over-sized poinsettias. One was white and the other red. They both were in beautiful green aluminum pots with gold bows. She first made her way over to Paul's and placed the red one down. "Merry Christmas, Paul, I thought you would like this." She stood there for a minute. "Well, ok." She said to herself. She walked until she reached Nate's. She held the flower in her hands for a moment and then set it down. "You knew yours was the white one didn't you? White means purity, and I believe down deep you had a pure soul, sweetheart. I get to watch you and Paul's famous productions next month. I hope you didn't let me down too much." She kissed her fingertips and touched the headstone. It wasn't as hard this year seeing the snow covered grave. She wiped the rest of the snow from the top of the headstone. "Don't worry I'm going to be happy." She said and then turned around and walked off. She thought to herself then that she needed to start reading the journal again, for she knew she wasn't going to have peace with anything until she did.

    She returned home that day and Rory had went and rented some movies and was doing laundry in the washer and dryer set her parents had given her as an early Christmas gift. That night Amanda had promised herself a beauty ritual. She did her nails, then her face and then her feet. She felt relaxed and went and lit the candle next to her bed. She grabbed the journal. She opened it and began reading it by candlelight.

 

_December 25, 1997_

_Well Christmas was alright I guess. Mom and dad haven't talked in days, not even today. Dinner was good; I love mom's duck that she fixed. Beau loved the gift I got him. I can't believe that I have to work tomorrow but it will let me be able to get Paul's to him. He is gonna love that Winchester. I have to pay Bruce for it Tuesday when I get paid. I don't know if it's the one for the war but it is a good one. I love the way it feels in my hand, I know he is gonna love it. We talked about saving up for the rest. I am gonna make a New Year's resolution. I am going to talk to Miss Beckwith. I realized how fucking stupid I was and how I don't want to waste the last year or so of my life with such regrets what a fucking waste. I can't stand it. Chris said she wasn't seeing anyone in particular, just been dating a couple of guys. I will talk to her, I'll probably crap my pants, but I am going to talk to her. I want to smell that amazing hair of her's again. I know a sane person might ask, “If you were to acquire a lady such as that, would it keep you from your destined battle?" I would answer. "On the contrary sir, I would just love the chance to have someone morn me, love me, tis this and nothing more." Ha Ha Nate._

Amanda thought for a moment. _"Was that all I had been? A prize to be won to morn for him to love and miss him?_ Well, it worked none the less."She whispered to herself as she fell asleep.


	20. Unplanned Expectancies

   "Hey you better get up!" Rory exclaimed. "You better be glad I got up. Your alarm went off like half an hour ago, you are gonna be late." She told her. "Shit, I must've turned it off." Amanda said jumping out of the bed and heading for the shower. "Damn it's freezing in here!" She screamed. She reached over and turned on the space heater. "I'll make you some pop tarts to take with you and then I'll make me some to take back to bed." Rory kind of laughed to herself. "Whatever." Amanda said getting into the shower. She leaned down to grab her shampoo and felt sick to her stomach. She couldn't make the feeling go away. She jumped out of the shower and ran over to the toilet. She vomited until she dry heaved. Rory came running in. "What the hell? Are you ok?" Amanda started crying. "Get me a cold washrag." Amanda was quite the sight standing there over the toilet nude. Rory grabbed her robe and placed it over her shoulders. "Here get warm that'll help." Rory said backing away from her handing her the rag with the other hand. "Give me the phone; I can't go to work like this." She cried. Rory grabbed the phone for her. Amanda finished wiping her face. She took a deep breath. She knew she was already late but she left a message on Casey's voice mail. The sound of his voice made her want to throw up again. She only had a couple of weeks left and then she was going to work at the library. She was filling the position of a girl who was moving to go to college at the end of the month. "Damn you didn't throw up this much New Year's Eve." Rory laughed. Amanda just shot her a disgusted look. "I have to go to the store later for a few things; you want me to get you anything?" Rory asked her. "No, actually I feel a little better now." Amanda said wiping at her face again. "What all are you getting at the store, we just went last weekend?" Amanda said being cautious of the money they spent since they lived on a budget. "Oh hell, I forgot to get tampons and I used your last two yesterday.” Rory stated. Amanda sat there for a moment listening to Rory piddle around in her room. Amanda then realized she couldn't remember the last time she had had a period. She walked into the room wrapping and tying the robe around her. She took her personal calendar out of her nightstand. Her periods had been somewhat irregular sometimes due to stress. She took a double look. She hadn't had a period since the middle of November. She felt faint. She quickly threw the book back into the drawer and put her head in her hands. "Fuck!" She screamed. Rory came in. "Hey you know you don't use that language in my house." Rory joked. "Hey, bitch it's my fucking house too." Amanda said laughing. "Do you love me?" Amanda asked her seriously. "Honey I have to, it's my J-O-B." Rory answered her. "Get me a pregnancy test at the store." Amanda said quietly. Rory just stood there looking at her. "Do what?" She finally asked. "A pregnancy test, I just want to clear my mind. It's the fourth of January and I haven't had a period since the middle of November." Amanda explained. "Shit." Rory standing there in shock of Amanda’s statement.

    After Rory left, Amanda thought if by some chance she was she knew when it had to have happened. She was scared then. Casey didn't want her, and she was sure he wouldn't want a kid with her. A million thoughts went through her head even the depressing ones with the questions like why it couldn’t have been Nate's if she was and so on. _"Get it together Amanda."_ She told herself. She thought then that next Monday she was going to see the tapes with Rory. She began crying. She felt like a pathetic mess, how was she going to start a new job pregnant, or go to school? She cried harder the more scared she became. She went over to her dresser mirror and looked at herself. She didn't look any different. She thought then of the few times she and Casey had been together. She stopped crying and tried to get herself together. She put her hand over her stomach. _"Get yourself together, you have just been really stressed out and you have skipped one, that's all."_ She tried assuring herself. She lay on the bed crying thinking then of how Casey had treated her. She did miss him no matter how much she tried not to. She felt she had been robbed of the chance to really get to know him and have a relationship without even knowing why and she had also knew losing him meant she had lost a good friend. She was unaware that Casey felt the same way. She stared out of the window and could see pigeons landing on the roof behind them. She could swear that she heard Rory's car pull up.

   She waited for a moment not making a sound. She heard Rory jiggle the lock and come in. Rory entered the room. "I bought you the most expensive; I wanted it to be right." Amanda smiled and took the box out of her hand. Amanda carried it around the room for a moment reading the back of the box. "Rory I want to be alone." Amanda told her. "Well there are two of them in there just to make sure." Rory informed her. "I can read sweetheart." Amanda said. "Ok, leaving." Rory said closing the door.

   Amanda had done as the directions indicated and sat on the floor in front of the cabinet with her watch in her hand. She slowly got up when it was time. She got on her knees and quickly grabbed the stick off of the counter. She sat there looking at it for a moment. Everything was quiet and still. She heard Rory's footsteps come across to the bathroom. "Hey hon; are you alive?" She asked her. Amanda reached over and opened the door. Rory stood there just looking at her. "I'm gonna have a baby." Amanda said matter of fact. "Jesus!" Rory screamed holding her hands over her mouth. "No shit?" She asked. "Yeah, no shit." Amanda said without smiling. Amanda didn't want to move from the bathroom floor. She felt as if she could lay there forever. She leaned back and looked at the ceiling and closed her eyes. "Oh Nate."   She whispered to herself as a tear rolled down her cheek. She went to her room and climbed back in bed still nauseated. Rory brought her some toast and juice. Amanda was thankful but could barely stand to eat it. She drank some more of the juice and went into Rory's bedroom and lay down beside her. "What the hell am I gonna do?" Amanda asked. "Well to be honest, first you need to tell your parents. But I'm sure you know your options." Rory said to her. "I don't have enough money to raise a baby." Amanda whined. "Casey would be entitled to pay child support yah know? There are also a lot of government things you can apply for that can help you. It won't be that scary." Rory concluded. "Yeah, you're not the one pregnant!" Amanda exclaimed. "Amanda, there is a little being inside your body, you either keep it and figure out how you will take care of it, or you get rid of it in one of two ways." Rory said seriously. "I could never give up a baby. I have imagined what I would do if I ended up pregnant ever since I started having sex." She said. "Well then you have more brains than most girls, most don't even think about it." Rory laughed. "Sweetie, I really need to get some more sleep, wake me up if you need anything." Rory said and rolled over. Amanda was a little annoyed that Rory didn't seem more concerned, but she knew it wasn't in her nature to get too upset over situations that came about. Amanda knew she had a phone call to make and she was nervous.

     "Mom, hey I'm sorry to bother you at work. Can I meet you for lunch?" Amanda asked her. "Well sure why are you home, did you and Casey have a fight?" Ruth asked. "No, we really don't even talk, ironically. I was really sick this morning, I mean I don't feel...mom, I just need to talk to you, ok?" Amanda said to her. "Well, sure we can go to that hamburger stand over on seventh across from my office." Ruth told her. Ruth was curious about why her daughter wanted to get a hold of her so badly. She hadn't met her downtown since the shootings. She knew it must be important, she probably needed money, Ruth figured.

   Ruth arrived at the hamburger stand and already could see Amanda's car in the parking lot. Ruth went and pulled up next to her. Amanda noticed her and got out of her car and went and got in Ruth's. "Damn it's cold." Amanda said. "Well, it is January." Ruth slightly laughed. "What is it honey?" Ruth questioned her as Amanda began to cry. "Mom, my life is this big fucking circus." She began. "Amanda, don't use that language, you are too pretty of a girl to be using that type of language." Ruth warned her. "Mom I'm just going to say it. I'm going to have a baby." Ruth just stared at her with tears swelling up in her eyes. "Amanda you know to be careful, remember all of our talks?" Ruth was trying to make sense just then out of what her daughter was saying to her. "How are you going to support you, me and Barry are lucky to pay our bills, I can't help you much. Oh Amanda what do you think you are doing? Adopt it out, give it a chance." Ruth urged her. "I can't, I just can't do that." Amanda sobbed. "Have you told Casey, is it Casey's?" Ruth asked her. "Yes, mom, it's Casey's." Amanda said disgusted. "You are only nineteen. You need to go to school." "You need to finish growing up." Ruth argued with her. “Casey will have to help you. Are you all still really over?” "Mom, I just wanted to let you know. I'm keeping this child, and that's final." Amanda finished. "Then why did you want my advice?" Ruth said angrily. "Because you are my mother, that's why, I need someone. I'm sorry I told you. I will figure things out, I promise." Amanda said. "I'm still going to start GED classes next week." Amanda informed her. "Well, I need to get back to my office, maybe you'll come to your senses." Ruth said shortly to her. Amanda didn't say another word and got out of the car. The cold was almost unbearable. She couldn't believe how her mother had just been with her. She felt abandoned for some reason. First she had been abandoned by Nate, then Casey, now her own mother. She knew she was just probably feeling sorry for herself, but she couldn't help feeling this way.

     She knew since it was Friday, Casey always went out to lunch with a couple of guys from the crew. She went and parked across the street from the diner and waited for a few minutes. Casey pulled up and he and a couple of other guys got out of the car. Casey was laughing at something one of them was saying. She just sat there and watched them enter the restaurant. Casey was still handsome to her. She still didn't understand if she had just been used or he just was going through a lot. She knew she had to tell him, she just didn't know how. She started the car after she could no longer see them and drove down the street in the direction of the apartment. She missed Nate then all of a sudden like she hadn't in a long time. She returned back home and Rory was sleeping. Amanda took her clothes back off and lay in the bed with the covers over her head and grabbed the journal.

_January 7, 1998_

_I'm so glad I talked to Amanda again. We are going to do something this weekend. I can't wait to see her or be with her. I think she was mad at me at first, but I managed to talk my way back to her. Am I good or what? No, I guess I can't really say that. I still like her madly. I know Paul won't understand, but oh well. I think he and Michelle are pretty much over, I don't know, he's grounded so much and she's older. He thinks she is seeing someone else. I think he's nuts, hell he is nuts. I don't have the mood anymore for writing in this thing much, so these will be short. Nate._

Amanda closed the book. She laid it on the floor and pushed it as far under the bed as she could get it. She wasn't in the mood to read about the things she had lost, or things she couldn't hold onto. She lay in bed for the remainder of the afternoon trying not to think of anything except about the little life inside of her. She placed her hand on her stomach and all of a sudden a slight smile crossed her face. She thought of how this little being was going to change her life in so many ways. She was scared then. She thought of what her body was going to look like and what this meant for her and Casey. She wanted to tell him before they all went to see the Nate and Paul tapes.

  Amanda anxiously awaited the next Monday morning for her name to be called at enrollment for the GED classes. Casey knew that she would not be in today for work. He had not questioned any of her absences as he knew she was busy getting ready for school and had a suspicion she was looking for another job. He had put in for her transfer for another part of the office, for he really didn't want to see her leave the firm, for he cared still what happened to her. He put in for her a transfer to another office, doing the same kind of work for a lady named Susan Caldwell in a different branch of the firm. Casey knew she was uncomfortable working with him. There were times he missed her. She had left a small vial of perfume at his apartment and he hadn't the heart to give it back to her, but instead found himself smelling it from time to time. He always wondered what she would be doing every day when she left work. He would watch her from his car before he would finally leave himself.

   Finally her name was called and she went and filled the necessary paperwork and she was told she was put in the Thursday class and it was only six months long. She thought that couldn't be too difficult, and also the classes might be over before the baby came. She left the building and hurried to meet her doctor's appointment at the family planning clinic she had made Friday afternoon when she had woken up. She drove up in front and checked her hair and makeup in her rear view mirror. She stepped from the vehicle and went inside. She went to the window that read _'Family Planning'_. The woman gave her more forms to fill out and she laughed for she felt as if that had what she had been doing most of the day so far. There were questions about insurance. She paused for a moment and realized her great benefits would be something she would lose if she was to leave the firm. She sighed then knowing that she would also qualify for government assistance. She came here first for she wanted to be sure she was pregnant before finding a doctor. There were questions about sexual activities and if she had ever had a pap smear and she had not. She finished the forms and waited to be called back to see the nurse. It seemed as if it took forever for them to call her and she swallowed hard when they finally called her back.

    "Hi Amanda, I’m Regina a nurse practitioner and I’ll be seeing you today. Take this cup and go into that bathroom and I'll need it pretty full." She added smiling. They had told Amanda to be sure to have a full bladder when she arrived for her appointment, so while waiting at the school, she had taken her fair share from the water cooler. Amanda put the tape on the cup after urinating into it and washed her hands. She stared at the cup while she dried her hands. She slid the little door open which she figured led to the lab and left it there. It had been marked with her name. She came out and took a seat in the waiting area right outside of the bathrooms. She waited another thirty minutes before nurse Regina came and took her to a room. Regina smiled and explained to her what a pap smear and exam included. Amanda was a little scared. Regina left the room to give her privacy to change. She removed her clothing put on the gown Regina had given her and lay on the table as she had requested and before long she returned to the small examining room. She knocked on the door and entered the room and took her temperature and her blood pressure. "Ok, Amanda I'm going to start with the exam and then I'm just going to use my fingers and feel of your cervix and uterus for any abnormalities then I’m going to swab your uterus to make a slide to check for cancer and other infections. It might hurt a little bit and you might spot just slightly afterwards and this is normal. Just take a deep breath and relax." Amanda followed her directions and laid there looking at the pictures of kittens, gardens, puppies and babies that were hanging on the ceiling. She felt little pinches here and there. Before she knew it, it was over with. "See, that's not so bad, was it?" Regina leaned over her smiling. "No." Amanda said still breathing deeply. She then checked her breast and concluded that she was done. "Well, you get dressed and I'll be back in to talk to you." Regina left and Amanda got dressed. She felt a slight sting inside of her vagina, but didn't give it much thought. She sat there for a moment looking at Regina's degrees and posters about the harms of smoking and drinking while pregnant. The door opened and Regina sat down at a chair in front of the exam table. "Amanda you are about I would say, roughly eight weeks along. You will probably still be nauseous from time to time. I'm sending home with you some pamphlets for you to look over. There are samples and stuff in there that you can use before and after pregnancy. I have also included a list of doctors that take state Medicaid, they are excellent doctors and no one will ever know." "So I am pregnant?" Amanda asked her nervously. "Yes, you are." Regina stated matter of fact. "In a few weeks you will probably be able to hear the heart beat." Regina said smiling. "You can go ahead and make an appointment with a doctor before your state stuff has been approved if you apply for it." Regina explained.

   Amanda walked to her car and felt a little relieved.  She still had no clue how she was going to tell Casey. She looked at her watch while she was sitting at the stop light and realized it would be lunch time at the firm in less than thirty minutes. "I need to get this over with." She said to herself.

   She pulled up outside the firm and went in. Lynn said hello to her and she went on up in the elevator. She stepped out onto her floor and Don noticed her and gave her a puzzling look. She walked to Casey's office and noticed the door was shut, as it had been for weeks. She lightly knocked and he told her to enter. She opened the door and when Casey first saw her he was sure she was there to quit. "Shut the door." He told her. She shut it behind her and sat down at one of the chairs in front of his desk. He seemed older to her somehow then, much older than he had before. "What can I do for you?" He asked her as if they had never been together. This tugged at her chest a little. She noticed on his desk there was a picture of him and Paul at Christmas when they were younger that she had never noticed before. She thought it was brave of him to display it. "Casey I need to talk to you, and if you don't want to talk here, maybe we can go to lunch, I'll even leave separately so no one will know." She began. "Here is fine." He told her looking down at his paperwork. "I need to speak with you also." He said then. "Ok." She said curiously. "I got enrolled in the classes and then I went to a clinic and I'm pregnant." She said it as quickly as she could before she lost her nerve. Her heart was beating wildly. He looked up at her then. "Are you sure?" He asked her. "Yeah, I came here straight from the clinic. I'm going to keep it, you don't have to be a part of it if you don't want to, and I’ll leave that up to you. There are many things out there for me, and I will be able to take care of it, I will manage." She explained nervously. Casey didn't quite know what to say to her.   He then thought of the last time they had been intimate and how cruelly he had treated her. He wanted to sink into the chair when he thought of what an ass he had been to this girl. "What do you want me to say?" He asked her quietly. "Hell, I don't know. I just know I needed to tell you, I mean you don't have to decide right now, but I would like to know pretty soon." She told him looking at the picture again. She looked at him and Paul and wondered then what the baby would look like. "Amanda I'm gonna need some time here, you just bombed me." He stated. "Well, it kind of bombed me too." She admitted with a slight laugh. "Well, I put in for you a transfer to Susan Caldwell's office. She's a great lady and you wouldn't lose your pay or benefits and you'd be doing the same thing, and I'll hire someone new here." He explained. She couldn't believe for a moment that he had done this for her. "I'll call you tonight; I need to get to lunch." She said and got up and left his office leaving him sitting there still trying to put his thoughts together. She hurriedly made it to her car before she heard him call for her. She turned wrapping her coat around her to protect her from the bitter wind. Casey began running towards her. "Get in the car, we need to talk." "You don't say." Amanda said under her breath. She got into her car and Casey got in beside her. "Are you really sure of this?" He asked her desperately. "I have the papers right here, I'm about eight weeks." She began. "I wish I knew what to say." He told her. "Well I can think of a few things like why don’t you explain all the lies you told me, like how you wanted to take care of me and how you'd never leave me, and how you had never felt this way in your life, and that you loved me, for starters. They were all just lies weren't they?" She said then beginning to cry. "Amanda, don't cry." He pleaded with her. "Why not? You placed this life inside of me and just walked away." She said looking at him. "I don't know what the hell I'm doing anymore." He answered looking down at the floor board. "Well, I know what I get to do, not what I chose to do. There won't be school for me for quite some time; I was barely able to manage getting my diploma. I will have this baby and I will love it and raise it, that's what I get to do. I wish I had the luxury of not knowing what I was doing." She said angrily. Casey knew she was right. He couldn't argue with her. "I went to my parent's house and I became fully aware of the horrors that Nate and Paul have caused, I couldn't stand to see you then knowing how you had been with him, it made me completely uncomfortable for some reason.” “That makes no fucking sense Casey, one of them was your brother!” She stated disgusted with him then. "What would people think of me? Can you understand that?" He asked her. She looked at him then in disbelief. "What the hell do you think I've been going through the last eighteen or so months, do you think this is fun for me? I have probably close to twelve hundred emotions on a daily basis and most of them are so fucked up I don't care in relaying them to anyone! You make me sick Casey! You have hurt me in a way I have never been hurt, at least Nate had the decency when he walked out to commit suicide."   The words were barely out of her mouth before she regretted saying them. "Amanda a part of me wants to be here with you and support you and a part of me doesn't really know how. I feel like crap for the way I have treated you, I guess I should have just left you alone in the first place. I guess you just made me feel like I had a chance at a life I had always wanted." He added. "Well, what about the life of the life inside of me?" She asked him. He looked at her then. He wanted to reach out and hold her now just as he had before. "I just need some time." He told her. "This is like the last thing I needed on my plate; with all this court stuff, and the Tasha stuff, and Paul..." He tried to explain to her. "Casey, get out of the car. I don't want to look at you again." Amanda said as she looked directly in front of her instead of at him. He sighed and knew that she didn't want to say something to him she would regret. He got out of the car and stood there as she backed out of the parking spot and left the firm.

   The cold wind blew around him and made the tears in his eyes sting. He knew he loved her and he regretted not being able the man that she needed him to be. He wasn’t even sure what had changed himself he just knew she was a part of something; something his brother had helped create that he wanted nothing more than to distance himself from. 


	21. Gone but Not Forgotten

   The air whipped around the outside of the apartment. Amanda lay in bed with the covers up around her neck. She didn't wish to rise and feel the coldness of the wooden floors or the draft that seemed to creep out from under the bottom of the front door no matter how hard you tried to keep it out. She had gone to work that day and had a few hours before her and Rory left for the courthouse. She had been exhausted from the pregnancy itself and work had been a lot more stressful for her from being around Casey after their argument. She was starting in Susan's office the following Monday and she was more than relieved. "Hey Amanda, you need to get up and get ready. We have to be there to show our passes at seven o'clock sharp." Rory explained to her. Amanda had many emotions running through her at seeing Nate again. She hadn't looked at the prom picture in ages. She had put it in a box along with movie stubs and her corsage and a time she wished she could forget. They had been informed that they would be in a different viewing room than that of the victim's families, but Amanda couldn't help but ask herself, aren't we victims also? A part of her didn't want to move from the bedroom. She still had her clothes on from work and had decided not to change. What does one wear when going to see the video tape of a deranged homicidal maniac who they were once in love with and still was to a certain degree? Amanda sort of chuckled at that thought. She had made her first doctor's appointment that morning for Wednesday. She had gone to the library and spent the entire last weekend reading on everything from breast feeding to Lamaze classes. The books still lay next to her bed. She had not read any more of the journal since she had tossed it far beneath the bed with the scores of countless dust bunnies.

   Rory finished fixing her hair. Amanda made her way into the bathroom and put her hair up in a ponytail. She straightened her clothes and tidied up her make up. "Ready?" Rory asked taking her hand. Amanda just nodded her head. "Well, let's get going." Rory told her as they both fastened their coats. Rory put her hat on and they walked out to her car. The drive was excruciating. It had to be the coldest night Amanda could recall so far that winter. She felt sick to her stomach and repeatedly wished she wasn't going. The whole thing had been very tight lipped concerning the location of where the tapes were being shown and what time, though the media was aware they were going to be viewed. Rory went to the parking lot behind the court house where she had been instructed to park.

 Amanda clutched the door handle hard. Rory emerged from the vehicle and took a quick look around. There were already more people present than even she had anticipated. "Come on Amanda." She said to her quietly. Amanda stepped from the car and shut the door easily behind her. She felt like she could faint. Rory walked around and grabbed her hand and squeezed it. "Remember whatever happens in there you are going to be ok." Rory assured her being nervous herself. She was nervous about seeing Paul on those tapes. They neared the glass double doors that led into the courthouse. There were three or four guards standing there attending them. Rory took her and Amanda's passes and showed them to the one who was holding the clipboard. He nodded his head and instructed her where to go. As they walked up the huge corridor to the elevator Amanda started seeing faces she recognized and wondered if they recognized her. She spotted Nick Kessler's dad and stepmother. She quickly looked away. She remembered them from middle school when his dad had come and spoke at career day. She looked to her right quickly and saw Sarah's mom. She was crying and clutching onto a man she didn't recognize. For a moment she was taken back to a day before she had been a teenager and the lines that were drawn between different kids in high school.

 

_"I have the red headed Barbie and you can have the blonde." Sarah stated. "Well, yeah, that makes sense since I have blonde hair silly." An eight year old Amanda giggled. "They are in love." Sarah laughed. "Who?" Amanda asked. "Her and the Ken in the shorts with the flowers, his real name is Bobby." Sarah explained. "I don't know I think he is ugly, I like the other Ken the one that lives in the mansion with my Barbie." Amanda told her. "No, he is ugly." Both girls laughed. "Anyway the blonde Barbie's name is Sarah." Sarah told her. "That is no name for a Barbie." Amanda said. "I want her name to be Sophie." Amanda stated. "Sophie is the name of my grandma's cat." Sarah told her. They both laughed and continued playing until Ruth had to come in and tell them they were making too much noise._

    She spent two summers with Sarah. They had lived down the street from one another. Their mothers took turns taking them to the city pool to swim and to McDonald's for happy meals. They got older and began growing in different directions. They found different interests and boys and separate lives leaving the innocence and the absence of separation behind them. Sarah had been shot and killed in the chest by Paul William Langley in the study hall next to her ex boyfriend, Dave Brach.

    Sarah's mother saw her and just stared blankly at her. Amanda squeezed Rory's hand hard. Amanda couldn't wait to get to the elevator. When they were finally inside the elevator they were by themselves. When they came off at the fourth floor they were met by a guard who took them to a rather large room where there was pavilion like seating. The room was normally used as a lecture room for policemen. When they stepped inside the room itself there was a large television with a VCR on the bottom of it. There were two 8mm cassette tapes inside VHS adapters sitting off to the side. She then looked the other way and saw Janice. What she noticed next surprised her as Amanda realized Casey had been correct; Margaret was not there. Casey saw her and couldn't take his eyes off of her and when she made eye contact with him he slightly smiled at her. "Amanda, come sit here, you girls." Janice invited her. Amanda felt comfortable going over to her and Rory followed. Janice hugged her and took out a picture holder from her purse and showed her pictures of Beau and the new man in her life. They chatted for a moment and caught up on things that were going on since they last spoke. Beau now looked a lot like Nate and Amanda couldn't help but look at him and was in amazement at how tall he had gotten. She could tell Casey was still looking at her but she didn't return his stare. There were a couple of reporters there. Amanda assumed they would be curious to gather the family’s reactions. Janice leaned down to her then, "I'm scared to death." She admitted. "I am too." Amanda then took her free hand and held Janice's. She noticed that Howard, Nate's father, wasn't there. Just then an officer came in the room and explained to them approximately how long the tapes were and where the bathrooms were located. He described the nature of the tapes and the opinions that different criminal profilers had which had viewed them. He made one more final statement about the freedom to be able to leave at any time during the viewing and made them aware there were boxes off tissue underneath the chairs.

    He reached over and grabbed the first tape and placed it in the VCR and took a remote and turned the set's power on. Amanda looked down at the floor fighting nausea and a warm sensation that suddenly came over her.   Her palms were sweating and she felt as if someone was sitting on her chest making it hard for her to breathe.

 

 _"Is it on?"_ Were the first words Amanda heard after the tapes began and recognized Nate's voice. It took all her will to look up from her lap and look him in the face on the television. "Oh my God." Rory gasped placing her hand over her mouth. Rory instantly began crying. Amanda squeezed her hand.

   Then, there it was before her, the thing that Amanda had most feared. It was Nate describing himself and said something about Amanda not seeing the tunnel of light out of her own ass. Amanda slightly gasped and couldn't believe the crude way he had talked about her. But nonetheless she sat in awe of him. The words he spoke on the tapes faded out as she watched his movements, his hands, his facial expressions and it hit her then how long it had been since she had seen him. She caught herself smiling through tears as he smiled at the camera. She listened looking at her feet when he described how much he appreciated her giving him this time with her and how he wished things could have been different but she noticed there was no I loved you, Amanda. She figured it was because Paul had been filming. She wanted so badly to walk up to the screen and lay her hand on his face as she looked back up at the screen to face him. It was if she was dreaming and it was really the last time he mentioned her.

    Janice let out a cry and a female officer came over to her to ask if she was alright; Janice stated she would be fine. The officer went to the water cooler and quietly handed Janice a cup of water as the tapes played on. After about thirty minutes, watching it actually became bearable for Amanda. There were moments she felt as if she was watching an actor she had never seen in some sort of twisted television documentary. They played the second tape and Paul started talking about not knowing his father and sorry he had disappointed him and spoke of his love for Margaret. With his poignant words, Amanda began to sob uncontrollably. She buried her head into Rory’s shoulder. She lifted her face towards Casey and watched as he placed his arm around Bill as he shook from crying. Casey looked down at her with a look she couldn't describe. It was if he was silently calling out to her for help. Paul went on to talk about Casey and how his parents should enjoy their grandchild. Amanda caught her breath as she heard Paul speak those words. She couldn't face Casey then thinking of the baby inside of her that was Margaret and Bill's grandchild by blood.

   Amanda once more surveyed the room and realized these two boys, one her friend, one her lover, had destroyed each and every life to some degree, in that room. Nate really didn't say much more concerning Amanda. Janice placed her arm around Amanda and her makeup had failed her. She seemed to appear many years older than she was. She felt it was only right that Nate had not mentioned very much of her, for in the tapes she wasn't even sure who he was. He was definitely not the Nate she had known and loved; nor was he Janice's. She knew this from her reaction.

  Amanda was glad when it was over. Bill got up first and quickly left leaving Casey standing there alone. Casey just had a blank stare on his face. He then turned towards Amanda. Janice got up and the girls followed her. Once they were outside of the room she turned to face Amanda and said the following sentiments to her that she knew she would never forget. "Have a good life, sweetheart, do that for me, please?" Amanda just stood there for a moment before answering. "I will." She said matter of fact. Janice grabbed and hugged her with all her strength before turning to leave.

 As Amanda watched Janice leave the building, she knew in her heart it would probably be the last time she would ever see her. Amanda was aware that a small chapter in her life had just closed. Rory took one look at Amanda then at Casey as he stood in the hall. "I'm gonna go ahead and go out to the car." And with that she left them alone on purpose. Casey walked down to where Amanda was standing. She looked at him directly. "What could you possibly have to say to me?" She asked him. "I do love you, Amanda. And I'm very sorry." He tried to touch her hand, but she withdrew from him. "Don't try to make everything right because of the baby. If you make it right it has to be because you want to be right with me." She stated. "I can't promise you anything." He stated honestly. She stood before him and cocked her head looking at him puzzled but was sincere in her response. "Please leave me alone, I can’t exist on unsure promises.” She flung her purse over her shoulder and walked out to the car where Rory waited on her. Amanda made it into the car, got in and as she fastened her seatbelt she said quietly, "Nate barely spoke of me." Rory sat there for a moment before she told Amanda her conclusion. "I think it was a different person that did those things, and it wasn't the person that loved you, because Amanda, he did love you." Rory assured her. Rory hadn't asked what was said between her and Casey after she had left, for she felt it was best that she didn't. They made the remainder of the drive in silence and went to separate bedrooms once they arrived home.

   Amanda lay on her bed thinking of how she had just seen Nate. She witnessed a side of him she wished she would have never seen; someone that talked of killing people, people who had been her friends, people that had been a part of her life. She had not been in love with the person in those tapes, yet if that's the person he really was, had she been in love with him at all? Had their whole relationship been just her imagination? She didn't feel like crying, she didn't feel anything. She did however, at that moment, feel a connection and love with the being growing inside of her. For the first time, she was glad it hadn’t been Nate’s.

   She went and dug out the box which contained the t-shirt, prom picture, the Yankees cap and other mementos which had so dearly clung onto. They belonged to someone she had never known. Amanda knew this now. She couldn't get the look on Sarah's mother's face out of her mind. She thought of how those last minutes in Sarah's life must have been spent. Amanda then began to cry for her childhood friend. She dug in her closet for the yearbooks and took a while to look at pictures of people that she had never known but had been victims at the hands of someone she had loved and thought about their shortened lives, their families and felt a huge heartache she couldn't get rid of. Her tears began to roll freely at the thought of how they had left this earth, and then for the child inside of her and how she would feel if someone else took that life from her in such a savage way. She knew that Paul and Nate had been ridiculed but had this really given them the right to make so many suffer in this unimaginable way? No it didn't. She was tired of making excuses for Nate. He was a murderer. These were the facts. She was finally aware of this. She closed the box with his things inside of them and put it on the highest shelf in the closet. A part of her was furious with him yet she wasn't quite ready to part with the memories she had had of her first love.

   Amanda lay there for a while longer, thinking of Chris, Bruce, Sarah, Casey and Beau, and then of Janice, Margaret and Bill and of this immensely disturbing, traumatic healing process and the shattered lives, Nate and Paul had left them with. She knew she cried then for the first time, for everyone that deserved her sorrow.

   Amanda awoke the next day and made it to work a few minutes late. She only had four days to working for Casey, left. They spent that day until lunch not saying a word to one another. She then gathered her courage and knocked on his door before it was time to go to lunch. He opened the door for her and invited her to sit down in front of his desk. He didn't ask her any questions, he just let her speak. "Casey, first of all, I want to say thank you for getting me the transfer to Susan's office, which was really nice of you, under the circumstances. I don’t need an immediate answer if you want to be a part of this child’s life, you can come at your own time. I will be ok on my own; I want you to be sure in knowing that. Last but not least I just wanted you to know, I no longer belong to Nate. I know this now. I realized it last night. I hope you can believe me, even though it may not mean anything to you. I understand now what you said about reading the reports and finding it disturbing that I had feelings for him, last night it became disturbing to me, and I don't want to feel that way anymore." She added. "I guess that's all I wanted to say." She concluded and got up to leave. "Amanda, I do love you, please believe me, I just need time, I have been through a lot and then some." You of all people know this." He said quietly. "I know you have." She answered. "I need some time to wrap my head around many things, not just you and this baby. But if you need me before then, I will be here; no matter if it's for money or someone to talk to, I'm here. I promise you that." She went to open the door and he went and grabbed her by the arm stopping her. "I want you to love me not because you are lonely but because you want to love me." He said to her. She just nodded her head and walked on out of the office.

   She went on to lunch and sat down by herself. She ordered a hamburger and a big chocolate shake. Amanda just sat there in silence witnessing the hustle of the lunch hour crowd around her. She was surprised when she saw Casey's car pull up outside the diner. He came in and the hostess tried to seat him, but he told her he would be sitting with Amanda, pointing in her direction. Amanda didn't quite know what to think when he came and sat down with her at the small booth. He looked at her and smiled. "What's good?" He asked her as if they hadn’t just spoken. She smiled and was amused at his way of telling her everything was ok between them. "How did you know I was here?" She asked curiously. "I followed you the best I could in traffic." He kind of laughed. "That chicken fried steak looks good." He commented. She wanted to say something, but she knew she shouldn't. He was there with her, and that's all that mattered. They not once mentioned the arguments between them or the despair of the current situation. They sat there and enjoyed their lunch together as friends talking merely about work and her doctor's appointment, and what they were both doing that weekend.

 

 

 

 


	22. Welcome Home

   It was colder that day than it had been, and the snow had made driving visibility nearly impossible. It was February, and Amanda helped Mary and other Wilson family members hang welcome banners all over their living room. Amanda was excited, but she knew she wasn't the only one. His grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins were also there. Mary had introduced them each to Amanda as Chris's best friend. Amanda knew it was the truth. The kitchen was filled with platters of cheese and finger sandwiches, and there was punch and a huge cake with 'Welcome Home Christopher' on the top of it. Amanda had dressed up in a new dress which she hoped would still fit her after the baby arrived. She had her hair pinned up and Mary had commented on how pretty she looked. Amanda found all of Chris's family to be nice and welcoming, and they were each glad to see him come home. "There he is!" Yelled one of Chris's young cousins as he saw Chris and his father pull up in the driveway. Mary knew that her son's life had changed, but she saw such spirit and enthusiasm in Amanda that she was hopeful.

     Chris and his father entered the home. Amanda realized then just how long it had been since she had seen Chris without the hideous green jumpsuits he had to wear at the halfway house. His grandmother ran to him, not seeing him in over a year, grabbed onto him crying, as did the rest of his family. It was if they were welcoming back a prisoner of war. Amanda thought this to be ironic for it was what he had been, a prisoner of a war he had not created. She remained in the background letting him gather with his family. He spotted her after about ten minutes and went over to her. He grabbed her and held her tightly lifting her off of the ground a bit. She had never mentioned to him about the baby. She wanted to tell him somewhere besides within the awkwardness of a visitation yard or a mess hall. She felt like she had just gotten a piece of her life back when he stood there holding her. They weren't teenagers anymore, but adults with a lifetime to look forward to, and a legacy of pain behind them.

    He made his way to the kitchen and everyone else spread out within the house. Amanda went over and helped one of his uncles open chip bags and containers of dip. "Ah, real food, junk food!" Chris exclaimed as he dumped a whole handful of cheese puffs in his mouth. His mother had dug out old home movies of the family, most of when Chris was a child. They spent the next hour watching them and laughing, sometimes hysterically. His mom put in another tape and it began showing images of their graduation from middle school. Chris was taking the tape around his classroom when he came to a tall kid in sunglasses acting goofy with a couple of other classmates.

 

_"Say your name and stuff." Chris instructed him. "Hey, my name is Nate. I am going to be in high next year! He exclaimed making silly faces._

   Everyone in the living room went silent. Amanda sat on one of the barstools in the kitchen motionless. Chris went over and turned the tape off. "Hey let's have dessert." Chris suggested. Most of his family was unaware what had just transpired and made comments, but they didn't question him. He was home and that's all that mattered. Mary slid next to Amanda with a plate of cookies and whispered to her, "I'm sorry, I didn't remember that." She said with a straight face. Amanda whispered back. "Don't worry about it." Amanda said with a slight smile. Amanda watched Chris tell tales of his lock up and people he had met, then they talked about the lawyers and lawsuits and his plans for the immediate future. He kept looking in Amanda's direction to make sure she was alright. Amanda realized he had memories too. Memories of friends he had never known. She knew her and Chris were one in the same.

   A few hours later the gathering died down and Chris made many promises to come and see different relatives and Mary and his father said their goodbyes and Amanda took a large trash bag around with his older sister, Carrie and picked up trash. "Thank you, Amanda, this house is a wreck, we don't have this big of a get together for Christmas." Carrie said laughing. "Oh, I don't mind, I care a great deal for Chris, and it's the least I can do. I have missed him; he has become one of my best friends." She added. "Well, he has grown up immensely going through all of this crap." Carrie commented. "We both have." Amanda said matter of fact. "Oh, I'm sure." Carrie said consoling her. Chris's mother had filled Carrie in on who exactly Amanda was and the relationship, past and present, between her and Chris. Chris came over and grabbed the sack out of Amanda's hands. "Hey you look too pretty to be picking up trash. Do me a favor and let's go riding around after a while, show me what's new, what's old, I just want to get out, if you don't mind." He suggested to her. "Of course I would like that." She said to him.

    They pulled out of the driveway and Amanda fastened her seatbelt. "Shit, it's been so long since I've driven, I hope I can remember how to do this." Chris said laughing as they pulled out in his father's car. "They have been working on the roads and the sun came out today for a while, so they shouldn't be that bad." Amanda commented. "You know, it's Ohio." "Someday I would like to live somewhere other than here." He said seriously then. "Yeah, I know what you mean." She answered him. "I want to go to the lake." He said. Amanda thought about the lake. "I haven't been in ages."  "Do you mind at all?" He asked. "No, its fine, I’m with you." She assured him. "Want a smoke?" He asked her. "No, I can't, I have sort of quit." She said with a slight laugh. "Well, that's good." He said raising his eyebrows. They made the drive to the lake and the roads had been cleared well. "I'm sorry about the Nate thing earlier."  "Oh that's nothing compared to the tapes of him and Paul." She replied. "That bad huh?" "Well, not compared to how you saw them, of course." Chris didn't reply to her comment. They came to the gate that led to the many campsites. Amanda remembered then, all the times by the dock in summer and in the fall she had spent with Nate and countless other friends of hers. He pulled up under the streetlight. He let the car continue running and looked out at the lake which was partially frozen. "I think it's beautiful when it's like this." He said smiling. "Yeah, it is." "I have thought about this right here for a long time, with you." He said looking at her. Amanda was still looking at the lake. She really didn't know what to say. "Chris, this is gonna seem like a scene from a movie, but I have something to tell you." She said. "What's that?" He asked her curiously. "Well, I'm going to be a mommy." Chris just sat there silent for a moment. He looked back towards the lake. "Casey?" He simply asked her. "Yeah." She answered quietly. "He knows, we still aren't together, it's complicated, I already love it, I have heard its heartbeat. It's so wonderful thinking of this little life inside of me. I couldn't wait to tell you." She said. "So you are keeping it?" He asked laughing. "There is nothing funny about what I just said." She said agitated. "Yeah there is, you waddling around in outfits with big pink bows on them." Chris continued laughing. "Fuck you!" Amanda said laughing herself. "What do you want it to be?" He asked. "Preferably a rocket scientist." She joked. "I don't know really, I just want it to have my blonde hair and blue eyes, no matter what." She answered. "I think it's cool, Amanda." "I really do. Are you going to be able to take care of everything on your own?" He asked her. "Well, Casey said if I needed anything he'd provide it if I needed it. I think he will come around, I mean, I don't know if we'll ever be together, but I think he'll want to be a part of its life and stuff." She explained. "I don't know if I and he could make it together." She said. Chris grabbed her hand. "Amanda, you know how crazy I am. We got this; marry me. I'll help you take care of it; I'll be a good dad." He said completely serious. "Shit Chris, you're scaring the hell out of me." She exclaimed. "Amanda, all kidding aside, I'm completely serious." And he was. Amanda breathed deeply and let out a long sigh. "Oh, Chris I wouldn't be a good wife to anyone, you have a whole life to find." She explained. "We're just friends." "Yeah, but friends make the best couples." He argued. She looked back to the lake. "Chris just stop this insanity please.” She said to him. "Please tell me you'll think about it." Amanda felt like the whole inside of the car had become a dream she wasn't waking up from. She was hearing the words she had wished to hear from Casey. "Chris, don't. Get your life going. Do that for me." She said to him quietly. Chris grabbed her and kissed her. She pulled away from him. "Amanda, I have always had these feelings for you. If it wasn't for the thought of you in there, I don't think I would've found a reason to want to get out so bad and try so hard." He told her. "Chris, I think we should go home. I wasn't ready for this." She explained. "I'm sorry, but I am completely serious." He told her. "I know that now." She commented. "Chris, I love you too, just not like that." She explained. "Yeah, but you don't have to, you would in time. I would be the man of your dreams, I would work hard for you and the baby." "Chris please take me back." She pleaded. He put the car in drive and did as she had suggested. They didn't say a word to one another on the way back to his house. When they got to his house he grabbed her by the arm before she got out of the vehicle. "Amanda, think about it, please?" He asked her. She turned to look at him. "You are one of the most wonderful people I have ever known, you have just knocked the wind out of me, ok?" She told him. "Call me." He told her.   "I will, I will see you, Chris." She made it to her car and felt almost faint as she relived the last few minutes over and over in her mind. She then thought of what it would be like, it would be nice to have someone to sleep with, to share the baby with, and to help her. And then she thought of how close she and he had become. _"No, this is crazy, he’s just over excited about his freedom.”_ She told herself. 

   Amanda drove back home and didn't tell Rory about anything but how nice the party was. Rory was entertaining her new boyfriend, and informed her they were going out to dinner and not to wait up on her. Amanda went into her room and dug underneath her bed for the journal she had not taken a peep at in over a month. She opened it to where it was bookmarked. She couldn't get it straight yet in her mind what Chris had just laid out before her. She was overcome with grief for not wanting to turn her life over to Chris and yet was amazed he wished to do so regardless that the life inside her was not his.

 

_January 25, 1998_

_I and Amanda are getting along great. I feel so all together when I am with her. She makes me want to live longer. I don’t think there is anything on this insufferable place that doesn’t release me from the ultimate sacrifice, which I will make. Just laying in her arms lets me know that for a small time I was tolerable. Her acceptance of me will lead me to entertain these thoughts that have finalized in my head. The bombs, the guns, our death. Yet I know she would have known me, she will miss me. AB will actually pay the price for intolerable suffering, for she will when we perish. If she ever knows one thing I want her to know that I never did any of this without considering her, first. She will be glad, because relationship wise, it will never be as good as it is now or will be before next spring. I’m gonna see where this goes. I’m gonna lead her with me. I’m gonna let her love me until I leave. Deceive her, never. Feel her graces near me, always. Nate_

Amanda put the journal back down and slid it back up underneath the bed. She still didn’t quite understand what Nate’s intentions had been with her. She thought to herself, “ _Did he ever say he loved me? Yeah he did, once.”_ She said questioning and answering herself. Amanda felt so lost then as she thought of the boy who knew he would never give her anything but despair and the man who had just asked her to be his wife a couple of hours ago.   She didn’t feel like crying so she thought of Chris and went to sleep content that someone might actually want to stick around and take care of her.

 

 


	23. Signs of Life

   Amanda was awakened that Sunday morning by the sound of the garbage truck on the street below.  She didn’t feel like rising yet and just let the sunshine fill the room. She could see the melting snow dripping outside of her window and looked over at the clock on the nightstand and couldn’t believe how late she had slept in. All of a sudden Nate filled her thoughts. She thought of the only New Year’s they had spent together and they had gotten in a snow ball fight outside of the grocery store. Amanda couldn’t help but smile as the thought crossed her mind. That was the Nate that she knew; that was the Nate she would keep alive in her heart and soul. A few minutes had passed and she began to contemplate getting out of bed. She sat up and dangled her feet over the side of the bed. She leaned her head back and stretched her arms and legs out. All of a sudden a tickle came from within her. She grabbed her abdomen and sat there perfectly still. The tickle came again, but this time longer. Amanda let out a laugh. “Rory; come here!” She screamed. A still very much asleep Rory emerged at her door. “Yeah?” She answered not fully opening her eyes. “The baby moved; oh my God, it moved, it felt fantastic!” Amanda exclaimed. Rory just smiled. “Yeah, Amanda; they do that.” Rory said smiling as she walked back towards her room. Amanda jumped out of bed and went over to her calendar. She would be four months pregnant in two days and it would be time for her fourth doctor’s appointment. She made it into the kitchen and began to prepare herself some toast and oatmeal. She poured herself a glass of water for they were out of juice and went to the table and sat down and waited for her oatmeal to boil. The phone rang and startled her. She went back into the kitchen and answered it. “Hello?” “Amanda, I’m ready to discuss this baby thing with you.” Amanda didn’t know what to say to Casey. “I don’t know really what there is to discuss; you told me if I needed you in any way you would be there for me and the baby.” She said to him. “Yeah, but I think we need to discuss me and you. Amanda, I have hardly slept since we ended, well hell, it really never began. I thought that I couldn’t be with you, but after seeing those tapes and spending some time cooling down and staying up and drinking way too many beers, I have realized I can’t quite make it without you. I thought about maybe spending the day together, maybe go look at baby things, I just want to be near you, if you will be near me, that is.” He sounded pitiful. Amanda had never heard this in his voice; not even when they had discussed Paul. This is what Amanda had been waiting on from him, but the night before she had spent with Chris had lessened her excitement over it. All she could think about was the look on Chris’s face when he had told her he wanted to marry her and help raise the baby. Amanda was truly between a rock and a hard place and she felt that Casey was the hard place after the way he had treated her. Chris was the rock of familiarity she had known since she was fifteen; always her friend and sometimes more. The weird thing was that he had been one of Nate’s closest friends, and this in turn made her feel as if she was still able to hold onto a fragment of something she had lost, even though she, in reality she held a part of flesh and blood that were linked to Paul. This thought made chills run throughout her. Amanda had concluded that she would always be a part of them, a part of what happened; a part of their legacy would forever be with her not just in her memory. “I can be ready about two o’clock.” She answered him. “Great, I’ll come get you. We’ll go somewhere nice for lunch.” Casey assured her. They hung up and Amanda felt relieved that he actually might be coming around but she couldn’t imagine how she was going to tell Chris.

   She finished getting dressed before Rory finally woke and inquired about where she was headed off to. “I’m going with Casey, he wants to talk and spend time together and stuff.” Amanda answered without looking at her. “I don’t know why you are wasting your time.” Rory said disgusted. “Well, it’s my time to waste.” Amanda retorted. “Oh by the way you know your mother called and wanted to talk to you.” Amanda it’s been months since you have spoken, don’t you think it’s time to talk to your own mom; you are going to need her you know.” Rory tried to persuade her. Amanda hadn’t spoken to Ruth since the day she told her about the baby. She couldn’t believe her mother had wanted her to give it up and the thought infuriated her. “I really don’t want to talk about this right now.” Amanda said and put her makeup back into the cabinet. Rory just rolled her eyes and went back towards her bedroom.

   Amanda went into the living room and turned on the television to watch the weather. She heard Casey’s car pull up down below and put her coat on and went down to meet him. “Hey I could’ve came up and got you.” He said. “Well, you really don’t have many fans in there right now.” She explained. “I guess I can understand that.” He said seriously. He placed his arm around her and walked the rest of the way to the car and opened the door for her. She got inside the vehicle and tucked her coat up underneath her. Casey got in and put the car in gear. “So where are we going?” He asked her smiling. “I don’t know.” She answered. “Well, what do you need the most?” He asked. “I would just like to go somewhere with you.” She said. “Ok.” He answered. He drove to a small restaurant on the outskirts of town that served soup and sandwiches and different varieties of bakery products and flavored waters. Amanda ate like she was starving. “Are you ok?” Casey snickered as he watched her eat. “Yeah, I’m just really hungry.” Amanda said with a slight giggle. She didn’t feel the same comfortable feeling she had with him in the past. He made her a tad nervous even. “Amanda; are you alright?” He asked her finishing his drink. She took a long sigh and laid her drink down in front of her. “No, I’m really not.” She said without looking at him. “Let’s get out of here.” He said to her.

     They finished up and left the restaurant. They got into his car and just sat there with it running. “Amanda what is going on?” He asked her point blank. She looked out the window at the passing traffic on the road in front of them. “Chris wants to marry me and take care of the baby with me.” She said still not looking his direction. Casey was taken aback by her statement. “Amanda he’s been in lock up for almost two years, he can’t take care of you, and he’s just a kid.” Casey argued. “So am I.” Amanda answered quietly. Casey knew then he couldn’t argue with her and for some reason he thought of how Paul had been the last time he had seen him; this girl was his age. Casey swallowed hard realizing how young she really was. “Amanda, babies take money and stability and things I don’t think he will be able to give you. He’s going to have a hard enough time as it is.” Casey argued. “Yeah, but I thought it was very noble of him to offer considering the baby isn’t even his. The real father wouldn’t even talk to me.” Casey was aware how vulnerable she was and how much he had hurt her. She quietly wiped her eyes still not facing him. “Amanda, I love you. I can give you a nice home, a nice life. You won’t have to work if you don’t want and you can go to school.” I can give you that kind of freedom. I will love you more than you will ever know; you and the baby. I do love you, Amanda; I love you more than anything I just had my head up my ass. I have had a lot on my plate.” He finished. “I have too. I don’t have my diploma yet, I’m pregnant, I don’t make that much money, I lost someone very dear to me…twice!” She exclaimed. Casey knew she was speaking of him. He looked away from her and didn’t know what else to say. “Amanda I know I was horrible I know what I did was horrible. I can’t believe what I did to you, I’m not like that and I don’t know how to begin to make it up to you. All I know is I have missed you. I have missed holding you and being near you; I have missed your smile and the sound of your voice and the way you feel when we’re lying next to each other. I hate knowing that there’s a part of me inside of you and I’m not even close to you, that you’re not in my bed at night.” He added. “I told you once I would take care of you and I just lost my head somehow for a while. It was just with Tasha and the thought of how everything has just happened at once. I’m not going to make up excuses, it’s just when we had lunch last week I knew I couldn’t be just your friend. I’m not saying you have to marry me, I just wish you would give me another chance and then see how you feel. I would love to be a parent with you.” He concluded. A long period of silence filled the car before Amanda finally spoke. “See, you could’ve told me you needed time instead of just casting me aside like a used toy. That’s how you made me feel. I would’ve understood, but you didn’t give me that chance. I can’t live with you Casey. I don’t know if there’s a future with us, but I just can’t do that.” She said turning to look at him. Casey grabbed onto the steering wheel and looked at the floorboard. “Well, where is Chris living?” He asked her agitated all of a sudden. She couldn’t believe what he was insinuating. “This conversation is over.” She said seriously. She wasn’t going to let him say anything negative about her dearest friend.

    He drove her back to the apartment and before she got out he pulled his wallet out and handed her three hundred dollars. “I know you are going to need some different clothes, you won’t have that gorgeous body for too much longer.” He said playfully. Amanda took the money and didn’t smile at him. She felt like it was owed to her. She got out of the car and slammed the door. She remembered back to a time when she could remember Nate talking of how Paul hadn’t cared for his older brother and she found this strange considering the relationship she had with her younger sister.

   She got upstairs and opened the door and to her surprise Chris sat beside Rory on the couch watching TV. “Hey I got three hundred bucks anyone want to go grocery shopping?” Amanda asked smiling. “Is that all you’re worth these days, three hundred?” Chris asked her smiling. “Apparently.” She said sarcastically. She was so happy to see him at that moment she went over and put her arms around him and hugged onto him tightly and he returned her affections. Rory just smiled but didn’t look their way. Amanda’s actions had just answered any questions she had had.

   The air was beginning to warm a little and everywhere you turned something green was popping up from the Earth. The sides of the roads were still covered with snow buildup which had turned into a dirty brown from the traffic. Amanda drove herself to the doctor’s office where she was to have her ultra sound. The winter had been miserable and the snow was just now beginning to cease. The first of April was next week and Amanda would be five months pregnant. She had just begun to show and was starting to wear some of the maternity clothes that she and Rory had picked out. She had made this appointment for her lunch break for she had a ton of work to catch up on at the office and she didn’t like letting Susan down. Susan had told her that if she worked hard she would make sure she didn’t stay just a bookkeeper. Amanda liked the sound of that. She had met another young mother at her GED classes and she had given her lots of good advice and they had become friends. She and Casey had talked a couple of times but he was much easier to avoid now that they didn’t work together. Amanda usually met Chris for lunch; he was working at a home improvement store and was trying his best to become a department manager. He worked long hours and worked hard and learned all he could. He moved in with Amanda and Rory and slept on the couch and helped the girls pay rent and buy groceries. They had liked this for it gave them more cash for shopping and Amanda more cash to acquire things for the baby. She wanted desperately to know the sex of the child and today, hopefully, she would be able to find out.

    She sped through the wet city streets on the way to Dr. Strauss’s office. She had found Dr. Strauss through her mother whom she had reconciled with and Ruth had heard she was an excellent OB/GYN and Amanda’s insurance had covered her. What she couldn’t afford the state picked up since she was a single mother with a lower income. She reached the office and noticed Chris’s pickup truck outside. She walked on in and he was waiting on her just like he said he would be. He got up and went towards her. “Hey you are almost late.” He said to her smiling. “Yeah, traffic at lunchtime is bullsh…horrid.” Amanda had been working on not cursing before the baby came. Casey kept right on giving her money to get things like the changing table and chest of drawers and she had yet to pick out a crib. Chris placed his hand on the small of her back. “I’m nervous for some reason.” She admitted. “It’s ok, I’m here.” Chris laughed. “Oh I guess that’s supposed to make me feel better.” She snickered. She signed herself in and told the receptionist what time her appointment was and they were told to take a seat. She grabbed Chris’s hand and took a seat by the magazine rack. A couple of women were here by themselves and one was with her husband. Chris squeezed her hand. “I’m a little nervous too. I bet you are having a stinking girl.” He whispered. “Oh, I hope so; I live to disappoint you.” She whispered back to him giggling. “Nicely done; you didn’t say pissed off.” He snickered. “I don’t like you.” She said to him smiling. She grabbed a magazine and the first advertisement was of a woman in a bikini. “Look, something I’ll never wear again.” She sighed. “That’s too bad; I never got to see you in one.” Chris said jokingly. “You know, you’re right, you saw me in less.”  A nurse came and opened the door to the waiting room. “Amanda Beckwith?” She called out. Amanda got up and Chris put his hand to her backside and acted like he had to push her up and made sound affects like he was straining. “Shut up moron.” She laughed. The nurse just smiled at them. She led them to a room Amanda had never been in. She had pulled a curtain around her and Chris sat in a chair on the other side of it. She lay down on the table and the nurse instructed her to pull her pants down off of her stomach and pulled a sheet over her bottom half for privacy. She pulled the curtain back when she was ready. “The doctor will be here in a few; just relax.” She assured her. “You can pull that chair over here next to her, just not on the side with the machinery.” She said to Chris. Amanda laid there waiting for Dr. Strauss and Chris looked at the ultrasound machine and the room in general. Amanda looked at him as he was looking around. His hair had grown back out and he looked like the Chris she had always known. He noticed her gaze and took her hand again. He smiled at her and she smiled back at him. “Did you get any flowers from Casey today?” He asked her. “No, not yet this week in fact.” She answered. Casey had left anonymous flowers in her office for the last couple of months. He had mailed her letters of his affection and love for her and begged for her forgiveness. She did think about him and couldn’t help thinking about how maybe it should be him here with her instead of Chris. Amanda appreciated everything that Casey did for her. She had promised him ultra sound pictures of the baby to give to Margaret and Bill. Margaret wished the two of them could work things out, but Amanda had assured her that she would definitely let Bill and her be a part of the baby’s life. Margaret had set her sewing machine and crafting supplies up in the basement which used to be Paul’s room and started making quilts and little receiving blankets. The impending birth had been just what her and Bill had needed. It gave them something to look forward to and a new beginning of sorts.

    In May Nate and Paul would have been gone for two years. Amanda hadn’t touched the journal in months for she was keeping her own while she was pregnant and was planning on giving it to the baby when it got older. Chris had talked to her about making amends with Casey but Amanda was still leery of him. She enjoyed her phone conversations with Margaret. Margaret never pried about her and Casey but told her stories of when he and Paul were babies and the experiences she had being pregnant. She and Margaret had grown rather close over the course of a few months.

    “Well there’s Miss Beckwith.” Dr. Strauss said as she entered the room. “Is this daddy?” She asked looking at the two of them. “Nope just friends.” Chris answered. Amanda’s heart was beating wildly. She pulled the sheet down and exposed her belly. “We will do two or three more of these in the future to make sure the baby is in the right position and developing normally. Did you want to know the sex of the baby today?” She asked Amanda. “If you can tell.” She answered nervously. “Well, I’ll be honest sometimes this early on it can be difficult but I will do my best, ok?” She reached inside the drawer of the cabinet that held the machine and took out a tube of some sort of clear lotion and placed it on her stomach. Amanda took in a deep breath for it was cold on her waist. She turned on the machine and took an instrument that looked like a shower head and placed it on her stomach and pressed down with light force. Before long, Amanda heard the heartbeat. She always loved hearing it. Chris smiled. “Is that the baby’s heart?” He asked. Dr. Strauss just nodded her head. Chris and Amanda both looked at the screen and could make out the faint flutter. Dr. Strauss placed her finger on the screen. “That is baby’s spine and that is the skull.” She explained to them. Chris was speechless as he watched the tiny creature’s heart beating. All of a sudden the baby moved and Amanda witnessed it. “Holy crap.” She said trying not to laugh. Dr. Strauss just smiled at her. “Well, what is it?” Chris asked impatiently. “Chris.” Amanda scorned him. “Well, if I could get the baby to move over here, I could better tell. Everything looks great. The baby is at perfect size to term. Wonderful movements and heart rhythm.” She added. “Well, ok. Do you really want to know?” She asked them. Amanda eagerly shook her head. “Well, it’s a little boy.” Dr. Strauss said smiling. “Ha I won!” Chris said excitedly. He and Amanda had made a playful bet on the sex. Amanda had wanted a girl to dress and fix her hair and take it shopping and teach it to play Barbie like she did when she was small, but all of a sudden she was thrilled that a little baby boy was inside of her. “I don’t care, I’m just glad it’s healthy.” Amanda said then looking at Chris.

    Amanda got back to the office and first stopped by Casey’s side of the building deciding it was best to tell him of the news and give him the pictures. He let her in his office and hugged her after closing the door. She hugged him back enthusiastically. “Well, we’re having a boy.” She announced not wasting time. “I’ll have to call mom and dad.” He told her. “You wanted a girl didn’t you?” He asked her seriously. “Sort of.” She answered looking at the floor. “But as long as it’s as cute as you that’ll be alright.” She answered smiling. He smiled back at her wishing in his heart he could take back every disappointment he had caused her. He longed to be more to her than just the father of her child. “Crap, I’m going to have a son.” He laughed. “Well, I need to get back to Susan she’s going to think I was abducted or something.” Amanda joked. “Amanda thanks for stopping by. You just made my day.” He told her. Later that day before she left a delivery man with a huge bouquet of two dozen pink roses were delivered to her with a small card inscribed: _To a woman who will never know how much I truly love her._ She left them on her desk and put her coat on to go home for the day. She turned once more to look at them and smiled.

   She came home that night to the smell of Chinese food. She knew Rory was at work already and was surprised Chris had gotten them take out for dinner for he wasn’t fond of Chinese food. “I knew it was your favorite.” He said to her. “Thanks I’m starving!” She exclaimed as she sat down to help herself. He had ordered the lemon chicken which was her favorite and got her sweet tea too. “You have no idea how wonderful you are do you?” She asked Chris playfully. “Yeah, I was supposed to work over but I am just beat and I have more than enough to make the truck payment.” He told her. “It’s nice to get off of work before the sun goes down.” He said with a slight laugh. “Well I told Casey about him. He was really happy. He sent me the most beautiful bouquet of roses. My favorite ones, pink.” She told him. “Really?” “That’s cool I guess.” He said to her.

   They finished eating and retreated to the living room to watch television. Chris took to the recliner and Amanda stretched out on the couch. “Hey Chris I was thinking. My Lamaze classes start in a couple of months and Rory isn’t into all of this baby and birth stuff and …” “Yeah, I’ll do it. I thought maybe you wanted Casey to do them with you for usually it’s the person who’s going to be in the delivery room with you.” He told her. “Well?” She asked looking at him. “I was thinking of you and my mom. Can you handle it?” She asked him. “Can you?” He asked. “I would see _everything._ ” He playfully warned her. Amanda laughed at him. She remembered when they had lost their virginity to each other in his sister’s old playhouse in his back yard atop an old blanket he had laid out on the ground for them. It was awkward to her then, but now it seemed sweet and innocent looking back on it. She didn’t know why this thought was crossing her mind. She just smiled and looked back at the TV. “Yes, I will be there.” He told her. “Cool.” She squealed. They laughed as they found some old movie to watch and after a couple of hours Amanda announced that she had to get to sleep. “Yeah, I need to also.” Chris said. Amanda left the room to undress, wash her face and brush her teeth and Chris came in after she had closed the door to get ready for bed himself. She lay on her bed and felt the urge to grab the journal. She found it and opened it to where she had left off from a few weeks prior. Chris knocked on her door. “Hey goodnight.” He said through the door. “Goodnight.” She heard him turn the television down and make his bed on the sofa. She reopened the journal.

 

_February 14, 1999_

_I wasn’t supposed to feel this way about AB. Ever. I am so confused. We had a wonderful New Year’s Eve. I had the best time. Tonight I took her to a little hamburger joint she wanted to go to. It wasn’t what you would consider romantic but it’s what she wanted. I know I have to complete this mission but she makes it so hard to decide between life and death. Don’t get me wrong I know I have to die now, for the hate in me overrides any heart I may have had. I have this great thing now, this girl whom I was only supposed to be stringing along. Hell, who am I kidding I knew there was no way I could not fall in love with her. I feel this incredible joy but then I think of Paul and the pact of our lives we have made. I look at people around me and realize more and more I am becoming what I hate most. Marriage, children, job, home. None of this bullshit is for me. I am above it somehow. I look forward to the final blast. My final thought before the bullet rips it apart. Should I shoot myself in the heart? I will be shooting AB in the heart for she loves me now, too. I mean, what fun is life without a little death? Nate_

   Amanda tried her best not to cry. She wondered why no one ever noticed how sick he was, how demented his thought process had become. How had she overlooked it? She felt a chill and the room felt cold. She felt more alone at that moment than she had in a long time. She slid the journal underneath the bed vowing to end her reading there. She didn't want to know the "other him" he had been.

   She got of bed and opened up her door. She saw the blue glow of the television in the living room. “Hey are you alright?” Chris asked her noticing she had come into the room. “Chris, come sleep with me; I don’t want to sleep by myself tonight.” She told him. “Umm, ok.” He got up and walked over to her doorway. She got back in the bed and he closed the door. He had sweat pants on and still had his blanket in his hands. She left room for him in the bed. He slid in next to her. “Hey this is no fair it’s really warm in here, there’s no draft.” He whispered. She snickered at his comment. “Are you sure you are ok?” “Yeah, I just was reading the damn journal and sometimes it just freaks me out.” She admitted. “I understand.” He told her quietly. She turned her back towards him and he put his arm around her and lay down on his side. He held her close to him. Amanda’s heart beat wildly. She took a deep breath and closed her eyes. “When I was in lock up I sat and wondered about you and him.” He said to her. “They did such a horrific thing I often wondered what he was like with you.” He said quietly. Amanda thought for a moment at how to answer him. “He was different than he was around anyone else. He was sweet and kind and affectionate. They had split personalities.” She explained. “Did you ever sleep with him?” He asked her point blank. “Just a few times.” She answered him honestly. “Really?” Chris asked surprised. “I guess we’ll never understand it all will we?” He whispered. “We were never supposed to, that was the point. “I mean it’s obvious why they did what they did to Nick and Dave, but to us is the big mystery; always will be.” She added. Chris knew she was right. He couldn’t help then but to imagine her and Nate together. “How could he hold such an enormous secret from you, I mean I’m having trouble holding mine.” He admitted. “What secret?” She was puzzled. He didn’t answer her for a few moments. “I’m glad you liked the roses. Don’t say anything, just go to sleep.” He told her. She closed her eyes tight and a single tear ran down her cheek. She reached down and grabbed his hand which was around her stomach. “I love you too.” She whispered. And it was the truth. They laid there holding one another until her alarm went off the next morning.

 

 


	24. Altered Existences

   At the firm the next afternoon Margaret called Casey and told him she was cleaning out his old room so that the baby would have a place to sleep when it came over. Casey informed her that the baby was supposed to be a boy; her and Bill were thrilled. “Oh Casey a little boy!” Margaret screeched. She wanted to say something to him about Amanda but she figured it was best to leave well enough alone. She figured if it was meant to be then it would be. She told him she had completely finished going through Paul’s stuff and there were a few things she wanted to know if he wanted and he had told her indeed that he did.  

    He went straight over after work and realized Bill wasn’t home. “Where’s dad?” He asked Margaret when he entered. “Actually he’s playing golf with Richard. I thought it would do him some good to get out of here for a while.” She assured him. She motioned for him to come in the back bedroom which used to be his and showed him the new curtains she had hung and the little lamp and small crib she had bought at a second hand shop. “Mom, isn’t this a little much for the baby and all?” Casey asked her grinning. “This is the best damn thing that has happened to us since God knows when; it has given me and your father a new outlook on things. And anyways I can go into baby stores and people won’t ask me questions.” She said sincerely then. “Mom, people still recognize you and dad no matter where you go.” Casey told her. “Yeah, but most of them don’t shop for baby stuff.” “Mom, sometimes you still worry me.” Casey said trying not to laugh thinking that what she just stated had made no sense. “I suppose they will always think it was our fault along with Howard and Janice, but I swear if I…” “I know mom we don’t have time for this today, alright?” He said trying to change the subject. He went and put his arm around her. “Now show me the rest of this stuff.” He said speaking of the last of Paul’s belongings. She went into the basement which had been packed up and they had redone the arrangement of the room and Bill had built her new shelves which held all of her crafting tools and supplies. There was actually not a visible trace of Paul’s existence left amongst the four walls. Casey looked over towards her knew quilting machine and took a deep breath. “Remember how Paul used to watch me sew for hours when he was little? I swear sometimes when I’m in here late at night sewing when I can’t sleep, he is watching me still; I can almost feel him.” Margaret said with a sigh. I guess it makes me feel close to him. Casey wasn’t about to argue with her. “You know this summer he would be twenty.” She said grabbing onto a large apple box with a lid on it. “Yeah, I know mom.” Casey said sounding sympathetic. She handed him the box. “Here, that is it. It’s just odds and ends mostly.” She said to him. “Mom, I really can’t stay I have a ton of work to go over.” He explained to her. He grabbed the box and started walking up the stairs.

    He kissed her goodbye and she also gave him some leftovers they had had for supper the night before and went out to his car and told him good bye. He reached his apartment in the city and placed the box on the table and placed the food in the refrigerator. He laid his briefcase down on the counter and took his jacket off. He grabbed the box and took it into his bedroom and opened it. Margaret had laid the journal on the top. Casey placed it aside for he had already read it but was glad she had entrusted it to him all the same. He found the pocket knife and Zippo lighter and a little book of phone numbers. He went through it and laughed to himself as he saw Rory and Amanda’s old phone numbers and numbers to people he had never heard of. He then came to the number for Michelle Winters. There was a number that was marked out and then a newer one. Besides the updated number, there was the name _Ray_ with a small hand drawn picture of a gun aiming towards it. Casey thought this to be interesting. _“Ray?”_ Casey asked himself. He grabbed the phone out of curiosity and dialed it. A recording came on and Casey listened intently. He wondered what Ray had to do with Michelle. _“Hello, you have reached the office of Ray Sheppherd at the Cincinnati Herald. Please leave your name and number and I or my secretary will get back with you at our earliest convenience.”_ _“Hmph.”_ Casey muttered and hung up the phone. He dialed Michelle’s number only to find that it had been disconnected. He went back into the kitchen and grabbed the phone book from the drawer and looked to see if he could find a listing for Ray Sheppherd. He did and when he found it he understood the drawing. There was a listing for a Michelle and Ray Sheppherd. Casey let out a sigh and realized then how Paul had probably been jilted. He ached slightly then for the brother he had never really known. He had read the journal and knew how his brother had felt for her. He went and dug through the box some more and found the cd he had forgotten about which Paul had noted on the sleeve: _Music to listen to when I’m with Michelle._    Casey couldn’t help smiling. He remembered he had wanted Michelle to have the cd. He found pictures, most he had already seen. He found a couple of more cd’s and instructions to a Doom game level handwritten by Paul and an old pack of gum that hadn’t been opened along with half a pack of cigarettes. In the bottom of the box were his cherished Rammstein cap and a pair of mirrored sunglasses.

    Casey grabbed the cd and decided to give Michelle a call himself. He thought the worse that could happen was that she would hang up on him. He recalled the talk that she and Amanda had the day of her interview and figured maybe that wouldn’t be the case. He nervously picked up the phone and dialed the number. “Hello?” A woman’s voice answered. “Yes, I’m looking for a Michelle Sheppherd I believe.” He said. “Well I believe you have found her; may I ask whose calling?” Michelle asked him. “Well this is Casey Langley, Paul Langley’s older brother; I believe you and him knew each other.” He said. “Oh wow.” She said catching her breath. “Can I help you?” She asked him. “Yeah I was wondering if maybe I could meet you somewhere I have something of his that is rightly yours if you want it.” He explained to her. “Ok.” She answered uneasy trying to think of what he could be talking about. He heard a baby start to cry in the background. “Well give me your number and I’ll get back with you.” She said. Casey gave her his home and work number. “I’m sorry my daughter just woke up I really have to go, I will call you though.” She explained.

    They hung up and he went into the bedroom and started putting things back into the box. He lifted up the large stack of pictures and a small envelope fell out of the stack. He took the pocket knife and opened it up. It wasn’t in Paul’s handwriting and it was addressed to Amanda. He lay back on the bed and opened the rest of it up. He could tell it had been written in haste and had remained sealed up until this moment. Casey had been careful in unsealing it as to not rip it. He sat in a chair at the dining table and unfolded the letter and began reading.

 

_To my beautiful Amanda,                                                   Friday, May 17, 1999_

_I know not why I do this. I know not why I wish to leave you this way. I have no clue as to why this hatred and darkness have consumed me. They have become who I am; they have defined me. Your love is as pure as anything I have ever felt. Your beautiful laughter and your charisma have kept me alive thus this far. In less than five hours I will cease to exist except in your memories. I am going to a better place. We are going to a better place. I will take with me the way you are now with the sun in your eyes and the smell of your hair and the glide in your step. You held my hand and led me out on that dance floor and I told myself that this which I do today will be a testament to how utterly ill I have become. That I could be capable of loving a woman so much that it could add to my fuel for this mission. I called you last night just to hear your voice. I did not answer you. It wasn’t enough. I know Barry always leaves the side door in the garage unlocked so I crept into your house and into your bedroom and watched you sleep. Oh you looked like an Angel. You were untouched and unharmed. I wanted to hold you but I didn’t wish to wake you. I leaned down and breathed in the breath you let out. I inhaled your life into my soul and I will take it with me today as I descend into another world and take the inhumanity out of it. It is six o’clock in the morning and I should be getting ready for school but as you will know when you read this, I never made it on time. I did but not as myself but as this evil being they have created. The being that can’t take the darkness anymore. Thank you for giving me the peace of mind to accomplish this. Thank you for loving me and sleeping with me and making me feel wonderful. Thank you for being yourself. You will have many wonderful things in your life. Enjoy each and every one of them. Fall in love again. Have beautiful little children. Aspire to become all you can be. Hey, you are already better than me. I am no longer human, I have become something else entirely. I’m going to take this letter and leave it somewhere that you can find it. I want you to know that I understand the questions you will have. Yes, Amanda I loved you; I always have and I always will. I truly loved you. It killed me to walk away from you this morning in the darkness with your beautiful body just lying there. I thought of waking you up and making love to you one more time but that wouldn’t have been fair. I know you will be sad but don’t stay that way. It’s just one of many human emotions that I can barely feel anymore. It’s amazing what me and Paul have turned into. We are no longer human we are more God like and this is our mission. Remember most importantly this is no one’s fault but ours. Good bye my beautiful girl. Love and live. Nathaniel Marcus Durham._

    Casey couldn’t believe what he had just read. He had no idea of how to give it to Amanda. Nate must have left it at Paul’s house before they left to go to the school. Casey thought then of the madness going on inside their heads at that moment when they left to murder over twenty people. Casey began to cry. He inhaled deeply and couldn’t believe at what his brother had become. What they had done. How all by themselves they transformed an entire community and wrote themselves into a piece of history. He also cried then, for now he had a better understanding at what Amanda had lost. He also cried at the thought of losing her. For he knew he had.

   Amanda got home and cooked dinner for her and Chris. She kept it warm until he returned home. She waited on him and he was later than usual. When he finally walked through the door she inquired of his whereabouts. “I had to run by my parent’s house for something my mom wanted to give me.” He answered her. “Oh, well dinner is done, I knew you would be hungry it’s still warm. It’s just spaghetti but it’s one I’ve at least mastered. She assured him grabbing them a couple of plates from the cabinet. He went into the kitchen where she was standing. He grabbed her and turned her around to face him. “Amanda I know you’ll say no and I shouldn’t even be doing this; we are like way too young…” He began. “What the hell are you getting at Christopher?” She asked him laughing. “Shit this isn’t how this was supposed to go.” He said then as if he were frustrated. He dug into the pocket of his work stained jeans and pulled out a tiny diamond ring. “My parents think I’m deranged.” He said with a slight laugh. He was shaking and Amanda stood still where she was standing with the plates still in her hands. “Chris, no.” She said smiling. He took her hand and knelt down on the kitchen floor. “Amanda please marry me.” He said to her. “I kept thinking about last night and I understand about Casey and Nate and everything else that has happened to you I just want…” He didn’t finish noticing she was nodding her head with tears swelling in her eyes. “This is probably the most unromantic proposal anyone has ever done.” He said looking at the floor. “No it’s perfect.” She said. “If you are still in love with Casey and don’t really want to do this don’t say yes because you feel like you have to.” He told her. “No, Chris, I deeply care for you; I want to be your wife; I want to give this a chance.” She said to him sincerely. “I know we _are_ young and it’s not what either of us had planned for our lives, but it’s what we have.” She explained. He knew she was right. “I want my son to have a good dad and I don’t know about Casey. I really don’t have any feelings about him one way or the other, but I can’t think of anyone else I’d rather have help me raise the baby than you.” She concluded. “We’ll figure it out somehow.” He assured her. “Yeah, let’s give it a shot, ok?” She asked him. “Ok.” He said to her. She realized then how many years it had been since they had kissed, had been boyfriend and girlfriend and how long it had been since they had slept together and how really awkward all of this was right now. He grabbed her close to him and began to kiss her. They stood there for the longest time holding and touching one another and kissing as they had once done years ago. He backed away from her then removing the tiny ring from his pinky finger and placed it on her left hand. “It’s an antique. It was my great grandmother’s.” He explained slightly embarrassed that it was all he had to offer her. He knew that Casey could have afforded a more luxurious one and had been afraid he was going to beat him to it and win her over for good. “It’s the most beautiful thing I have ever seen.” She said looking at it. Chris couldn’t quite understand her change of heart but he knew he would do his best to make her happy and wanted nothing more than to help her with this child.

     Michelle finished feeding Sadie and put her down in the play pen in the living room. She couldn’t get the conversation off of her mind that she had had just moments prior. She went into her bedroom and grabbed from her top dresser drawer a small picture album. She pulled out the picture of her and Paul which they had made at a booth in the mall. Paul was making some crazy face and she laughed as she looked at it. She remembered how young he had made her feel. She thought of the nights with he and Nate and their rides into the city and out by the lake where they would go and drink. She then thought of the terrible crime they had committed and was glad not many people had known about her. Nothing in her life had turned out quite right since and she wondered what would have been the outcome if maybe she would have given Paul a real chance. She put the photo back into the drawer. She then returned to the kitchen to finish looking over the divorce papers. She began crying as she read of what little time her and Ray had spent together and here on paper how little it meant. Sadie was barely a month old and the couple had decided to end things before she was even born. They hadn’t been married very long when she realized she had rushed into a mistake. Ray’s drinking, temper and excuses were more than she could live with. She had been through a lot with her own alcoholic father and she could not stand to repeat her mother’s misfortunes. There was really very little property between them and it wasn’t going to take long to get the whole thing over with. The lawyers were mainly concerned for Sadie’s wellbeing. She had spent time disappointed in herself that her marriage had failed. Ray had moved out not long before Christmas and her sister had come to live with her and helped to take care of Sadie. Michelle was grateful for the help. She often wondered what would have been, now that Paul would have been old enough to be out on his own. She wondered if they would still be together. She was aware of the many mental problems he had but when they were together she always wanted to take care of him. She went into the den and looked at the number she had jotted down.

    She dialed slowly, waited with a sigh and Casey answered. “This is Michelle again.” She began. “I was wondering if you wanted to meet somewhere this Saturday and we could talk. I know you probably have a lot of questions for me and it will be nice to see someone who was close to Paul as well.” They made plans to meet that Saturday. He was happy she had called him back and was anxious to meet her.   Casey began to collect in his mind all of the questions he had for her.

    Amanda and Chris finished their dinner and went into the living room to watch television. Instead of taking his usual spot in the recliner, he came over and lay with her on the couch with his arms around her. He ran his hands through her hair which was welcoming after a long day at work. “How did we end up here?” She asked him. “I have no idea.” He answered smiling at her. He leaned down and kissed her cheek. “Every time when you would come to see me in lock up I used to imagine this. I told myself I would do everything in my power to get to this point. I realized how I treated you before everything happened. I was horrible kid.” He told her. “We all were. I feel like sometimes I have aged twenty years.” She said to him. “I know what you mean.”  “What do you think Rory will say?” He asked her. “I don’t know.” “She’ll definitely be alright with it, but I don’t know what she’ll say exactly.” Amanda said to him. “I thought the past a lot while I was in there.” He admitted. “I thought when we were in high school that I didn’t have feelings for you, but it hurt me and I was real jealous when I would see you and Nate together.” He said with a slight laugh. “No you didn’t.” She joked. “Yeah it did. It made me crazy.” He said. “I knew you were happy so I finally told myself if that’s how it’s supposed to be then that’s how it’s supposed to be.” He finished. “I think this is how it’s supposed to be.” She said to him. She leaned up and kissed him once more. “So does this mean my days on the couch are over?” He playfully asked her. “Sure. I really need someone to hold me.” She said. “Are you really going to marry me?” He asked her. “Yes Christopher, I’m really going to marry you.” She answered. “I hope it’s what you really want.” He said hesitantly. “Are you trying to talk me out of it?” She laughed. “No, I just want you to be sure that’s all.” He answered. “I can’t wait till I tell my mom, she’s gonna shit, but then I’ve always given her things to throw a fit about.” She laughed. “My parents think I’m a little crazy and they wish I would find my way first, but they like you and they agreed to give me the ring.” He told her. Amanda imagined the look on Mary’s face when he told her. “I’m ready to go to sleep; I guess this is part of pregnancy; having no energy.” She said to him. They both got ready for bed and headed into the bedroom to lie down. She pulled the covers up around them and they snuggled in. “Chris?” “Yeah?” He whispered. “Would you like to make love to me?” “ Um, Are you ok for that?” Amanda began laughing keeping the blanket about her mouth. “Did I say something funny?” He asked her. “I’ll be fine just no crazy stuff.” She said still laughing. “Hell, I was under the impression that everything goes and that includes hanging out the window.” He joked with her. “Shut up!” She screamed laughing. “Yeah, I only want to if you do.” He said seriously. “Then make love to me. I hope you have a thing for fat girls.” She teased. “Amanda you will be a gorgeous fat girl.” She stopped giggling and he kissed her. “Maybe AB always stood for All Butt.” He laughed. “What the hell is AB?” She asked. “It’s what we used to call you when we talked about you.” He told her. He made love to her and it wasn’t anything like it had been in their youth, yet being with him made her feel like she got a piece of that back. He held her the rest of the night and for the first time she realized she really belonged here. There was finally a place for AB.

   Rory got home and took off her shoes and fell onto the couch from exhaustion. It was almost three in the morning and she couldn’t wait to get her something to snack on and get to bed. She made a sandwich and went and sat on the couch and it finally donned on her that Chris wasn’t in the living room. She went into her room to see if maybe he had crashed in her bed for some reason. He wasn’t there. She went into the bathroom and quietly opened the door to Amanda’s room. Through the darkness she made out his shape next to Amanda’s and she smiled to herself and shut the door. She stood there in the bathroom still in disbelief of what she had seen. She was happy for them. Rory knew how much Chris cared for Amanda.

     That Saturday Casey got ready to go to the mall where he was supposed to meet Michelle. He held the cd nervously turning it over and over in his hands. He was anxious to know someone who had known his brother in the most intimate way you can know a person. He was aware that somewhere along the way she had hurt him but he was willing to hear her side of the story. She had called him earlier and they discussed where and what time they would meet. She had told him the color of Sadie’s stroller so he would recognize her. He waited for fifteen minutes and wondered if he had been stood up. All of a sudden he looked to his left and not far down the main walkway of the mall he saw a petite blonde that matched the face of the girl in the photo he had seen.  She came closer and her eyes locked with his. Michelle’s heart beat fastened as she realized how much Casey resembled Paul. She took a deep breath ad walked up to him. “Casey Langley?” She asked. “Yeah, that’s me.” He said standing to shake her hand. “I’m sorry I kept you waiting; Sadie had a little emergency.” She explained to him. “Oh it’s no problem.” He said to her. She was dressed in a sweatshirt and jeans with Ked tennis shoes. Her hair was up in a ponytail and she was cute but not beautiful. She had dainty hands and a small stature. She wore simple jewelry and had a quiet way about her. “Let’s go down to the courtyard; it’s at the other end but it’s better for having a conversation.” She told him. He began to follow her. “Your little girl is adorable.” He told her. “Yeah, she can be a handful but I love her more than anything. She’s really all I have.” She admitted. “So do you still work at the paper?” He asked her. “Oh yeah, I’ll be there until I die.” She said with a slight giggle. “I’ve had a couple of promotions so it’s getting better I suppose.” She added. “There is a lot of work stuff I can do from home like when Sadie is sick and that makes it convenient.” She told him. “My friend is getting ready to have a baby.” He told her. “When is she due?” She asked. “Uh, late July, early August I think.” He told her speaking of Amanda. “There is nothing like it.” Michelle told him. “She’s only three months; she still sleeps quite a bit. It drives my mom crazy that I already take her out, but I bundle her up really well.” Michelle explained. They found a table in the courtyard and he pulled out a chair for her and she pulled the stroller beside her with Sadie peacefully sleeping inside. “Well, for starters, I believe this is yours.” He said handing her the cd. Michelle looked at Paul’s handwriting on the front of it for a moment. “This means a lot to me; I hope you know that…thank you.” She told him. “You’re welcome.” He clasped his hands not knowing really what else to say to her then. “I can’t believe how much you look like Paul. I hope you can excuse my ogling you.” She giggled. “No, it’s ok.” He said smiling. “Do you like being back in Ohio? Paul told me you lived in California.” “Ah it’s alright; I had to get away. I was getting divorced; stupid painful story.” He explained briefly to her. “We all have one of those.” She assured him. “I’m actually going through that myself.” She admitted. “I’m sorry.” He told her. “Oh heck, no sweat; it’s for the best.” She told him. There was a long pause between them. “How did you meet my brother?” He asked her changing the subject. She looked off in the distance and smiled. “I used to hang out at the bowling alley where he and his friends hung out. I thought he was adorable. He was so different and intense; so freaking smart. He was different from anyone else I had ever met I didn’t care about his age. Of course he lied about it at first so I would go out with him, which later on I found to be a really sweet gesture.” She told him. “My friends gave me hell for going out with a kid. There was a part of me that wasn’t ready to grow up and he kept me a teenager; it’s difficult to explain.” She added. “No I think I understand. At the risk of being rude, how old are you if you don’t mind me asking.” He asked curiously. “Uh, twenty-four.” Michelle said blushing. “He was real good to me. Always a gentleman; he had a shy innocent way about him at times that I couldn’t resist.” She admitted. “We weren’t really close and I regret that. I’m sure if we would have been he would’ve told me about you.” Casey said. “He cared about me; I just thought with the age thing, I was somehow a deterrent.” She explained. “I know I broke his heart; I really regret that.” Michelle said looking at the ground then. “I have read his journal and I know he cared for you, Michelle.” Casey told her. “I think you were the one joy he had before he decided to…well you know.” He said. “I don’t want you to think I’m trying to make you feel bad.” “No, don’t worry about it. It’s been a long time. Sometimes I just can’t believe he did what he did, but he put up with a lot.” He and Nate got picked on something fierce and Paul got the blunt of it. He got physically hurt a lot. I felt so sorry for them; you know how closed minded kids can be to anything different. He was different but he was beautiful; tortured soul, but beautiful.” She told him. “He could have done so much in this world. That’s how I explain what happened to myself; I think he just couldn’t take it anymore. I mean I know he had a lot of problems. I heard he had another girlfriend, in fact he told me that right around Christmas of ninety-eight, I ran into him at a drug store. I think her name was Rory?” “Well, they weren’t really together. I’m sure he told you that because he was hurt or mad or something. Rory is a sweet kid, but there wasn’t much between them.” Casey explained to her. “Oh.” Michelle said realizing she was the closest thing he ever had to a relationship of any kind. “I can see why he was so attracted to you.” He told her. “Thank you.” “Casey I don’t know, nor does anyone, why they did what they did, but your brother was one of the sweetest people I have ever known and that’s how I like to remember him. I believe you should love the person despite their actions.” She told him. “Yeah, you’re probably right.” He said. “Maybe it sounds kind of selfish but he always treated me with the up most respect and affection so I can’t see him any other way. The last couple times I saw him though, his anger scared me but he was upset with me, I knew he was hurt. I also hate that everyone is blaming and suing your parents; I know it was terrible but I don’t see how that will make it right. They tried their best.” She said to him. “I never met them but I felt like I knew them because of what Paul would tell me.” A whimper came from the stroller and Michelle picked a bottle from the bag which she had still over her shoulder. Michelle slightly shook it and took Sadie from the stroller and began to feed her. Michelle looked up and noticed Casey watching her and smiled. “This is the best thing, I swear.” She said to him. Casey kept smiling as he watched her feed the baby. Casey realized then just how much he had lost in losing Amanda as he watched Michelle feed Sadie. Amanda had given him a chance at true happiness and a baby boy to love and he had destroyed it selfishly.

    His heart ached inside of him as he thought of Amanda and his life which she carried inside of her womb. He decided to try and do something about it at that moment. Not with just flowers and cards, but with his true feelings and just hoped he wasn’t too late. He knew that he had been a fool to have given her up and he was going to have to be a fool to get her back. “Well did you want to know anything else?” Michelle shyly asked him. “I can’t really think of anything.” He told her. “Thank you, really, but I have to be getting her back home.” “The pleasure has been all mine.” He said. “Her daddy is supposed to come spend time with her today.” Michelle explained to him. “Oh sure, I don’t want to keep you.” He said. “It’s been wonderful to meet you.” He told her. “Likewise.” She said standing to leave. They shook hands and began to walk opposite ways. Michelle turned back to glance at him for a moment and couldn’t believe how much he reminded her of Paul. She noticed his loneliness and the pain he held inside and felt sorry for him. She wanted to ask him more but didn’t feel it was appropriate as he was a stranger to her. She kept on walking thinking about a lake and a boy who wanted to give her everything with only age to keep him from it.

    Casey got to work the following Monday and went over to Susan’s department where Amanda worked. Amanda had worn her new maternity dress and was really beginning to take on a new shape. When Casey came around the corner she was standing on her tip toes digging out a file that was almost out of her reach. She sighed before looking up and noticing him standing there. “Hey.” She said quickly. “Amanda, let’s go to lunch, please.” He offered. He stood before her and he looked her up and down and took all of her in. “Wow, you are really starting to get…” “Big; I know.” She said finishing his sentence. “I eat like a friggin horse.” She told him with a slight laugh. “I get tired easily. In fact I told Chris he could cook tonight.” She joked. “Is he staying with you all?” He asked. “Yeah, it really helps on rent.” She was cautious to tell him of their engagement for she wasn’t sure of his reaction. Even after all he had done to hurt her, she was still careful not to hurt him. “Oh.” He said. “Is Rory still working nights?” He asked. “Yeah…what’s with the questions?” Casey couldn’t stand then the thought then of her and Chris being by themselves every night. He shook his head to quit thinking about it. “Well do you want to go or not?” He asked her. “Yeah, I can go; I don’t have much money though, I usually just eat a sandwich and some fruit.” She explained to him. “Amanda I’ll pay for it you know that.” He assured her. “I’ll meet you in the lobby.” He told her. “Ok, I’ll be there.” Casey turned to leave and couldn’t get the thought of her and Chris out of his mind. He told himself he was being ridiculous. He turned to leave and she was curious as to why he wanted to have lunch with her but she was afraid she was going to have to tell him about her and Chris sooner than she had planned.

 

****


	25. A Final Farewell

   Amanda put on her coat and grabbed her purse and went downstairs where she promised Casey she would meet him. She looked at her watch for Susan had warned her they were going to get slammed after she received certain faxes when they got back from lunch.

   The elevator opened up and Casey walked towards her. She smiled at him and he placed his hand on her back as they walked to his car. She felt awkward when he touched her, especially now. To Amanda if felt as if they had never been intimate with one another. He opened the door for her and they got in. He drove to the diner for she said she had been craving chicken fried steak. “Do you get sick anymore? I mean because of the baby.” He asked her. “No, I did at first, but it’s been a long time. I guess I am lucky; I have heard some real horror stories. Overall I’ve been pretty well, you?” She said facing him then. “Not so well, Amanda. I miss you like crazy.” He began. She looked out of the passenger side window and didn’t have a remark to his comment. “Are you alright?” He asked her. “Yeah, I’m good.” She knew she had to tell him. It had become increasingly difficult to tell him things and she couldn’t figure it out. Just months prior she had been able to tell him anything; but it was now different as her trust in him had weakened. They arrived at the restaurant and took a booth in the back. “You look really good in that dress.” He told her. “Thank you.” “Do you need anything?” He asked her. “No, not really I’m fine.” She stated. “I’m five months along now. This baby moves all the time.” She thought then of the night before after making love to her, Chris placed his hand on her belly to try and feel him move. Amanda felt sad then for Casey at all he was missing out on. “How about names?” He asked her. “Well I have one but I don’t want to say it, just in case it isn’t a boy. Sometimes doctors can be wrong.” She said. “That’s true, I’ve heard that myself.” Casey said. “Amanda you have to know why I brought you here. I just can’t get on without this feeling that we need to be together. I feel like maybe I’m not trying hard enough with you. I want to prove to you that I love you and that I can do this. Please let me do this.” He was interrupted by the waiter and they placed their order. “Damn I am starving!” Amanda said. “Crap I almost forgot to take my vitamins today.” She said pulling them out of her purse. “They have me on iron supplements also.” Casey called the waiter back over to their table and ordered an order of onion rings which he knew were Amanda’s favorite. “That sounds great.” She said. She began looking at the desert menu. “Amanda back to what I was saying…I love you and I love this baby.” He began again. “I want to make this right; you ought to see the room my mother is fixing for the baby. She’s gone berserk.” He laughed. “Really?” Amanda asked excitedly. “I’m gonna let her see him pretty much whenever she wants, she deserves a little happiness.” Amanda told him. “Yeah, we all do.” He reminded her. “I was driving around the other day and was admiring the beautiful new homes they were building out by the high school in Westvale and I couldn’t help think of you and me living in one. They are being built by our firm; you’d get to pick out tile, cabinet tops and the color of carpet you wanted. They are huge homes.” He explained. “That’s really sweet, Casey.” She said sincerely. She honestly considered it for a moment and then looked down at her lap and twirled the ring that Chris had given her around her finger. Amanda knew that Casey was sincere then but the thought of hurting someone whom she loved was something money and all the houses in the world didn’t have a hold on. She thought of Chris then and smiled. She knew they were meant to be together. She had to tell Casey the truth and keep him from going on like this. He had certainly hurt her but to lead him on like this was a thing she wasn’t capable of.

    “Casey please stop…slow down. I have to be honest with you. Yes, the baby is yours but I’m not.” She said directly and honestly. Amanda sighed deeply and closed her eyes for what she was about to tell him. “I love someone else.” There it was finally; the truth. “We are going to be married sometime after I have the baby. I think I have loved him for a long time I just thought the situation was hopeless.” She began. “He really loves me and he works real hard.” Casey couldn’t look at her anymore and he took to looking out of the window. He didn’t ask who for he already was aware of the answer. He took the straw wrapper he had been fiddling with and threw it in the ashtray in her direction. For that moment she saw the hatred Paul had possessed in his expression. “You fuckin’ him?” He whispered coyly still not looking at her. “Casey that isn’t fair.” She said trying not to cry. “You are; you are screwing him with my kid inside of you.” His words hurt and made her feel cheap and worthless. She placed her hands over her stomach. This was the side of him which made her leave in the first place. “You used me.” He said without looking at her. “No I didn’t, Casey.” She tried to explain. “I felt as though you used me.” Amanda admitted. She wasn’t about to let him belittle her after all her and Chris had been through. Amada knew he probably didn’t mean any of it for she had just hurt him. They didn’t speak again until the onion rings arrived and she went to grab one from the plate. Casey noticed her ring. “That’s nice.” He said sarcastically. “Casey take me back to the office, I don’t need this…you know what, don’t…I’ll take a cab.” She said heading for the payphone in the lobby. He watched her walk over to the payphone and dig through her purse for change. He couldn’t believe that he had really lost her to a kid who had nothing really to offer her. He got up and went over to her. Other patrons in the restaurant were becoming curious. “Amanda, come on, come back and sit down.” He said taking her by the arm. She followed him back to the table. “I’m sorry. How is Chris going to take care of you; he’s doing good to take care of himself, I mean with his record and all.” Casey asked her. “We will manage.” She answered not looking at him and taking another onion ring from the plate. “Why do you want to settle for something when I could give you everything?” He asked her point blank. “Because I gave you a chance to give me everything and you turned your back on it.” She answered him honestly. They didn’t say another word to one another and she looked everywhere but at him while she ate. “About done?” He asked her. “Yeah, I am.” She said with her head down.

    They got to the car and Casey opened the door for her and she got in. He wanted to yell at her or steal her away but he knew his heart was competing with his mind. He got in the vehicle and let it idle for a moment. “Casey, I have these feelings; they are feelings of where I belong in all of this. They are the feelings of what Nate left me with, because don’t think I don’t have days when I wish this was his baby and our decision. I know that sounds crazy and but it’s true. I remember that night at prom when he watched me and Chris dance…he would want me to be with him; I don’t really know how to explain this to you. I have known Chris since I was fourteen. He’s a piece of my history, my home; we belong together. I don’t expect you to understand any of this. All of us formed this bond when they left us; it’s just right with him.” She said. “Amanda people get over things; even death. You will go on; hell you are already.” He argued with her. A moment passed before she said anything. “Casey I’m not coming back to you. I want you to know this child I am perfectly fine with that, I just know what I want and it’s him not you. I really love him, he’s my people.” Casey was beginning to understand no matter how much it broke his heart to think of how he had lost her. “Be my friend.” She pleaded with him. He grabbed her hand and kissed the back of it. “Amanda Beckwith I will always be here for you and especially the baby.” He said seriously. “Thank you.” She said.

    He reached inside of his jacket and pulled out the letter Nate had written for her. “What’s this?” She asked him curiously. “It’s yours; that’s what it is.” He said to her. She took it and opened it up. She immediately recognized the handwriting. Casey sat silently as she read it. She finished it and put it back into the envelope. She began crying. She clenched it between two fists and twisted it. Her tears rolled freely down her cheeks. She grabbed onto Casey and he held her tightly to him. She sat there sobbing in his arms. “Tell Susan I got really sick; I need to go home. Tell her I’ll take what I don’t get finished home tomorrow with me; hell I’ll stay up the whole night if I have to…I need to go home.” She exclaimed. Casey took her on home. He asked her if she was alright. “Me and Chris can go back to the firm and get my car later.” She said quietly. “Ok; just tell me you are going to be alright.” Casey pleaded with her. “I’ll be fine.” She said as she exited the vehicle still clutching the letter.

   She made it upstairs and Rory was cleaning up the living room and had the stereo playing loudly. “You look like shit…oh excuse me dookie; is that little man making you sick?” She asked her. Amanda sat at the table and silently handed her the letter. Rory walked around the apartment as she read it then she quietly slipped it back into the envelope. She went over to Amanda and knelt down in front of her. She placed her hands to each side of her face. “Hey you got your answer; see your love wasn’t in vain.” She said sincerely. “I told you he did. He was just sick Amanda.” You know this now. Amanda was still crying and just nodded her head. “You have a sweet man now who loves you. I saw you two last night when I came home; he’s gonna take good care of you, you’ll see.” Rory assured her and Amanda knew she was right.

   Amanda got up to go to her room to lie down. She turned and looked at her best friend. “Christopher Nathaniel Langley.” Amanda said. “What?” Rory said. “That’s what I’m going to name him.” Amanda said smiling. “Hey, all the loves of your life.” “I think it’s fitting.” Rory said smiling. “They are all a part of this baby.” Amanda said. “Yes they are.” Rory said to her.

   March coldness and snow gave into a beautiful late spring. Things seemed greener than they ever had to Amanda. The air felt crisper and the sun seemed brighter. She had received her invitation in the mail. Chris had received one also. They were having a dedication of the new library and study hall at the high school. Her and Chris had not stepped foot inside since the day of the shootings. Amanda was nervous as they pulled up in the parking lot. They had purchased floral sprays which were in the back of the truck as they were going to the cemetery once they left the school.

   “Well, here you are two years later.” Chris said as they pulled up. It was two years to the day. Amanda was huge and needed Chris’s help getting out of the truck. She was in her last trimester and was laughing at the thought that she was going back to high school pregnant. Ruth and Barry and Chris’s parents met them there. They had thoughts that maybe it was a bad idea for them to be there with everything that had happened and with Chris’s conviction. Chris and Amanda had refused to listen and decided to go anyway. Mary and Ruth began talking for they hadn’t seen each other since Amanda and Chris were first in high school. They still weren’t quite sure of their decision to marry but they knew there was no changing their minds. Barry and Steven, Chris’s father talked about the weather and how much they had remodeled the school. Chris had turned twenty-one the week before and Amanda would be twenty in June. Chris grabbed her hand and they began to walk towards the school. Chris had gotten word of Bruce’s release and they were planning him a surprise welcome home party. He had been mostly in rehab and had really changed according to Chris.

   They entered the front hallway and Amanda couldn’t believe she was back at this place. The walls had been painted since she had left there last and the lockers were the school colors instead of gray. She walked by Paul’s old locker and stared at it for a second. They walked on upstairs and there were probably a hundred people already in the new library and study hall which were now combined. It was a beautiful creation of metal and art deco glass and sky lights up above. “This is cool.” Chris said looking above his head and smiling. There were people there that Amanda knew and some she didn’t. They had invited only the students that were attending when the tragedy occurred. Amanda noticed Ricky Bell who walked with a slight limp. He began to come towards her. “Hey it looks as if we are both a little handicapped these days.” He joked with her. She was grateful he was so nice to her. “Yeah; oh my God I’m so sorry.” She said quietly to him. “Hey shit happens.” He said with a smile. “I always knew you had nothing to do with it; you or him.” He said motioning towards Chris. “But Nate definitely left his mark on me so to speak.” Amanda knew that meant that Nate had been the one that shot him. She leaned down and hugged him as best she could in her shape. “You are very courageous. I was scared to come here.” She admitted to him. “Hey I have my life that’s more than some can say.” He said seriously. Amanda just nodded her head. Chris came back over to her. “Hey trying to pick up my woman Bell?” Chris joked with him. “I don’t know if either one of us could in her condition.” Ricky laughed. They stayed and listened to the speeches and Amanda was surprised at the amount of people and former students that came over to say hello to them and acknowledge them being there. They walked down the hallway and Amanda noticed a locker number she remembered well. She stood in front of it for a moment and placed her hand over the number. Mary gave a funny look to Chris and he quickly explained to all four of the parents as they stood back watching. “It was Nate’s.” They finished their tour of the high school and Amanda left feeling relieved that no one had called her a murderer or anything else she had feared. She spent four years inside of these walls and it felt like a homecoming of sorts. She fell in love within these walls and had fights and flunked tests and aced quizzes and slammed her locker and dropped all the belongings from her purse more than once in these walls. She smiled as she remembered how she had grown up a lot within this school. It was the one thing that had haunted her; how she was forced to leave it and how she had been afraid she’d never get to return. Chris put his arm around her and she put her head on his shoulder as they exited the place where they had first met.

     Just her and Chris rode out the cemetery. It had been more than six months since she had been here. They first found Paul’s and realized that Margaret and Bill had left a huge spray which said _Son_ across it. Amanda made it over to Nate’s and Chris let her have all the time she needed. She took the letter which he had written her and placed it on top of the mound and laid her flowers on top of it. “I’m gonna get on with my life now. I’m naming my son after you. I will never let him get as sick as you were and not notice it. This is my promise. Somebody should have noticed sweetheart. Thank you for lighting up my life as long as you did, because if it wasn’t for you I probably wouldn’t be where I am now, which is right where I belong. I knew you loved me I think I knew it all along. Losing you was just easier believing that you didn’t. I still lie with you in my mind sometimes; we’re there in your room and the day stands still and I can hear the trees rustle outside of your window and I’m there in your arms and everything is as it was. It’s one of those afternoons after school when we would be together and eat Twinkies and we would talk and laugh, remember those? You have been gone from my life for two years now, though it doesn’t seem possible. Sometimes I feel like I never even knew you but then I’ll hear a song or a line in a movie and I can imagine you there hearing it with me and what you would say. Oh Nate I don’t think I’ll be back here for a while I’m about to have a family but I will tell my son about you one day so he will know how you really were from the rumors he will hear. I love you; sleep well my dear one.” Amanda kissed her palm and placed it on top of his headstone. She turned one more time to look at it and then turned and looked to see where Chris was waiting on her.

   As she rode home with her head on Chris’s shoulder and his hand intertwined with her own she realized for the first time she hadn’t cried and this elated her.

 


	26. A Life Untouched

   At five sixteen in the evening of July eighteenth 2001, Christopher Nathaniel Langley first made his appearance into the world. He was eight pounds six ounces and Amanda was exhausted. Chris was by her side the entire time. Bill, Margaret, the Wilson’s, Ruth, Barry and Nikki were anxiously waiting on him. Chris carried him into the nursery and they all stared through the windows at the little pink miracle.  Casey looked at him and wanted to hold him. Chris motioned for him to come inside and the nurse took him in and he scrubbed up and Chris handed him his son. Casey had tears as he looked into his son’s barely opened eyes. “Hey there, I’m your daddy.” Casey gave Chris a knowing look and Chris smiled back at him. “Thanks.” Casey said to him. “Hey don’t mention it.” Chris assured him. Chris and Casey both walked in to see Amanda as did the rest of the family once he was washed off and measured and weighed. Amanda took him into her arms and looked down at him and cried. She couldn’t speak at the immeasurable amount of joy she felt when she held him for the first time. Chris went to the side of her bed and he knelt down and kissed her on the forehead. “You did it.” He told her. “No, we did it.” She reminded him.

   They brought him home to his new room in the apartment. Rory had moved out and rented an apartment with a friend from work, but she was there when they brought him home and she couldn’t put him down. “He is the sweetest thing I have ever seen.” She squealed and Chris and Amanda laughed at her.

   Several months went by and Amanda had returned to work and Casey had hired a nanny to come to her and Chris’s apartment to take care of the baby during the day while they were at work. Amanda was going to start college courses the next semester and Chris got another promotion at work and they were making it. It was slow and it was difficult but they married in August in a small ceremony with only their immediate family and a couple of close friends including Rory. Little Chris as they referred to him, spent a couple of nights every other week at the Langley’s and Ruth often babysat. Mary stole him on the weekends occasionally when they wanted time to themselves and they never took for granted how they ended up at this place. Casey on occasion came over in the evenings after work and played with his son. Amanda joked that Christopher must be the best loved baby she had ever known.

    Around that following Christmas, Amanda was busy studying for finals at school, and going to work and was feeling the pressures that came along with the heavy load. Casey had informed Amanda that he was coming to take Christopher shopping for baby shoes at the mall while she tried to get some homework done and Chris was working late. She was ecstatic at the chance to study in peace. “Yeah I know he helps you attract women.” Amanda joked with him. He grabbed his car seat and Amanda kissed him goodbye and they strapped him in together. “Have him home by eight.” Amanda instructed him. She had packed him everything he would need and then some in his diaper bag and placed it in the front seat of Casey’s car. “I will mommy don’t fret about it.” Casey assured her. Amanda walked back up to the apartment and watched them drive off. Casey got on the highway which would take him across town to a place he was beginning to visit quite regularly. He got out and unbuckled Chris and headed towards the house. It was winter in Ohio and a cold breeze whipped around them. Casey covered him up and flung the heavy diaper bag over his shoulder, as he carried the car seat up to the house. The door opened and a woman greeted them. She welcomed them into the warmth of the house, grabbed Chris from his car seat and held him to her. “Look at you; you are just beautiful. I knew your uncle and your daddy isn’t bad either.” Michelle said smiling at Casey.

   Amanda was enjoying the quiet of the small apartment. With a heavy book in her lap, and tired from her day she succumbed to sleep.

 

_A field full of wildflowers was as vast as she could see. She strained to see some other sign of life. She looked overhead to the brilliant sunshine and the calling of birds in the distance. She noticed that the ground was much softer than one would think in this stretch of wilderness. She could smell the earth and the sweet hint of honeysuckle. She walked on like this for what seemed a half a mile and was getting worried at the grass stains forming at the bottom of her sheer white dress which clung to her form and brushed her ankles. She headed for a stand of trees and the sun disappeared. She looked over head to the clouds forming above her. She could hear the sound of thunder rolling in the distance. Mud was forming in between her toes as she stepped. She came to a huge tree and could swear she could hear someone whistling. Making her way around to the front of the tree there was a cement bench. His trench coat was wrapped around him as the rain dripped from the collar. His head hung low towards the earth and the nine millimeter was gripped in his left hand. What hair that was not beneath his cap was soaked and dripping towards his ears and chin. She made her way to him. She placed one hand on his knee and grabbed the gun with the other and tossed it to the wet ground below. He was whistling a song, the last song they had listened to on their last car ride together. As she placed her arms around him, he stopped all sound. He placed his arms around her and he buried his head into her chest as she stood in front of him. “Don’t tell me to go away.” She softly pleaded with him. He made no comment. He then looked up towards her smiling as if nothing had ever happened. She stared at his face and placed her forehead to his. He no longer needed words; she no longer had any to give. She no longer wanted answers, just this silence, with him. He would remain here in her dreams, her vast memory of the boy she couldn’t save, and the boy she would always love._

Janice was coming home from work after a long day and she instructed Beau to get the mail from the box as she went to unlock the front door. She made her way into her bedroom and began changing out of her work clothes to get more comfortable. Beau came down the hallway towards her room and informed her that a package had come for her in the mail. She finished up in the bedroom and made her way into the kitchen. “Mom, can you please cook the chicken stuff, you know the stuff with the spaghetti?” “Beau let me have a minute; we just got in the house.” She went over to the table which was a mess of letters and cards that she still received on occasion and didn’t have the heart to get rid of. She grabbed the package which was a large manila envelope and opened it up. She immediately recognized the leather-bound journal. She opened the letter that had come with it and instantly recognized Amanda’s handwriting.

 

_Janice,_

_I should have given this back to you a long time ago after it ended up in the some of the stuff you meant for me to have. I know I shouldn’t have kept it this long, but I guess, like everyone else I just wanted answers. I feel guilty for I should have given it back to you immediately, he was your son. I now have a son of my own and I can only now appreciate the grief you felt and I’m sure are still feeling. I think we all want to know what we could have done to have prevented everything from happening. I’m not sure that you liked me very much the first time you met me, but I’m sure you only wanted the best for your son. I tried to be. I loved him Janice, I really loved him. Thank you for being so welcoming to me after everything happened and realizing I had lost him too, that meant the world to me. I have enclosed my address and phone number if you ever wish to get a hold of me, to talk, maybe to meet for coffee if you are ever down this way. Give Beau a big hug for me. I think about you guys a lot. My son’s middle name is Nathaniel, thought you might like to know that._

_Story by L. Southard_

_*visit my tumblr @beyondthefield_


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